Ended up snapping on my parents...am I wrong?

[Seymore]

I visit my parents, who are in their late 60s/mid 70s, married 45 years - a couple of times a week. Wednesday evenings I stop by on the way home from work, we have dinner and I take them out for coffee afterwards.  If they need stuff done around the house, I'm always happy to help them in the meantime.

Usually I'll talk with my mom for about an hour, and then I sit around for two and a half hours waiting for my dad to wake up.  Over the past few years, he's developed an aggravating habit of going to bed at 3pm and waking up at 8-9pm, and usually only because my mom has to wake him up 2-3 times to get dinner.  

Every night she does this, whether I'm there or not.  And while she's usually hungry at 5-6pm, she basically starves herself waiting on him.  I hear about it constantly from her, complaining that he sits in the basement on the computer all day, doesn't do anything unless he's reminded 15 times (my mom even had to wrap her own Christmas gifts from him this year - that she bought for herself), and gets upset with my mom when she explodes every so often because of it.  But Friday nights are his "bar time" with his friend, and that, he will always be on time for.

So many times, I've told her that he clearly isn't interested in waking up at a normal hour, so if she's hungry, we should go to dinner, just me and her.  She won't do that.  So I end up waiting, and listening to her try to wake him up multiple times.  It's frustrating to no end, but I've always kept my mouth shut, because if I'm upset, my mom feels it and she gets upset and then everyone's upset and dinner is silent and uncomfortable.  

Tonight, I finally blew up.  It was 8pm and my dad was dilly-dallying along, and I was sick of it and hungry.  He asked what was wrong, with an attitude, and I told him I was sick and tired of sitting around starving because he didn't want to wake up.  I told my parents I didn't feel like dinner and stormed out.

Once I got home, my mom called me telling me she left my dad and complaining to me about him, saying she was going to sleep in her car.  Part of me wanted to go off on her saying she created this by revolving her life around his schedule, constantly waking him up and reminding him to do everything, reheating his food when he didn't come down to eat on time, etc...I wish she would just detach and focus on her needs instead of mommying him, then complaining when he acts like a spoiled child.

I know she's going to get herself dinner and then go back home to my dad and sleep (she's threatened to leave a few times in my lifetime) and I feel bad for her, but this is driving me nuts.  I like talking to my mom when I visit.  I even like talking to my dad when I visit - when he happens to not be in a crappy mood, which is more and more frequent.  When I can keep it together, our coffee time is nice, although I'm usually lamenting having spent half my evening sitting around waiting on him.  

Part of me feels like a jerk for storming out like that, but part of me feels good that I let it out.  My mom won't go back to therapy, my dad CERTAINLY won't go to therapy.  And I know I'm going to get an e-mailed lecture from my dad about "this is the way it is" and more messages from my mom complaining about my dad.  

The only thing I can think of is just meeting them for coffee on Wednesday nights and church on Sunday nights and that's it.  Just cutting back on visiting them.  I hate doing that because they have nobody else - my brother lives half an hour away but sees them maybe 5-6 times a year.

Am I wrong for feeling so fed up?

 

 

[Lambert]

You're not.

the parents and adult children relationship is just like any other.  you have to think about what's important to you and the piorolities. 

You're obviously close to them so you should communicate more and have some boundaries like let's pick a time to go and I'm going without you if you don't follow along. 

If it can't be that way, why? then at least you're trying 🤷‍♀️

[Seymore]

Thank you.  I'm always worried that my frustration causes problems between them.  If I'm upset, my mom picks up that vibe and acts off of it so I feel responsible.  She always claims she has to keep her mouth shut and not say anything, but deep down I feel like I'm the one who really can't say anything.   So I try to listen to her, and stay positive around them hoping that will rub off.  Today I couldn't keep it together so I felt like I set this whole thing in motion.  

I will probably either do what you said and say "this is the time and place, I have things to do", or visit them closer to when my dad wakes up so I'm not sitting around wasting my evening.   

[Lambert]

Sounds like a plan. 

My parents are older than yours.  I love them and it's hard sometimes. I try to remember they have probably had to deal with my faults too. lol

[Seymore]

1 minute ago, Lambert said:

Sounds like a plan. 

My parents are older than yours.  I love them and it's hard sometimes. I try to remember they have probably had to deal with my faults too. lol

I remind myself of that all the time.  I know I'm not the easiest to deal with at times.  Ideally, I'd like to find a common interest group for my mother so she can develop a sense of identity and independence.  So far she's made an excuse not to join any group I've suggested.  She does all of the cooking, cleaning, yard work etc. and it would be nice for her to have some friends so she can get out more. 

[Lambert]

why do you make these suggestions? 

[Seymore]

Because when she used to have friends and was part of the church choir, she wasn't so fixated on my dad and what he was or wasn't doing. She was happier having friends and things to do with others.

Same with my dad, he would attend Freemason meetings and be happier. When COVID hit, they both became shut-ins and never went back to their respective groups.

[Lambert]

Got it. 

Well I guess I world encourage my parents... to a point. 

There was / is damage to humans being shut in like we were. They adapted to being home more. 

Do they say they want to do those things?

I went through a similar thing.  I dropped the subject and they went back in their own. 

Do they have fond memories of the activities?  

[Seymore]

They do have fond memories of those groups. My mom has expressed interest in joining a new group from time to time, but she's somehow convinced that people don't like or accept her. I try and remind her of how choir and her old garden club made her feel like she was part of a good group and she just replies with "I don't know" and changes the subject. 

I know I can't make them do anything, but they've always told me to make friends and be part of a group, and how it gives a sense of purpose - and I did, and I want that for them. They have no hobbies anymore, yet they're good at so many things.

[Lambert]

Bummer.  

Do you think they know you worry about them? 

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Seymore said:

I wish she would just detach and focus on her needs instead of mommying him, then complaining when he acts like a spoiled child.

It might be a good idea to take your own advice on this. Detach, focus on your own needs, make specific times to visit one or both of your folks, like the coffee and church, and make specific lunch or dinner dates with your Mom IF she'll agree to eat even while Dad sleeps. She can fix him a plate that he can heat up when he gets up, if she wants to.

It makes no sense to suggest things without being willing to model them yourself. This will spare you the kind of frustration that makes you feel guilty. You can say, "I love out visits, but I'm not willing to sit around hungry. Some nights let's plan to eat while Dad sleeps, OR, I can meet you both for coffee later. I just can't do both in the same night."

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Seymore said:

.  

I will probably either do what you said and say "this is the time and place, I have things to do", or visit them closer to when my dad wakes up so I'm not sitting around wasting my evening.   

 It's wonderful you visit and care for your elderly parents. They seem a bit set in their ways after half a century together.

Can you eat before you go there? That could solve a host of problems from getting hangry to watching your mother get frustrated with your father.

It's ok to let them vent a bit but taking sides or being a marriage counselor isn't going to help. 

[SherrySher]

5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

It might be a good idea to take your own advice on this. Detach, focus on your own needs

Absolutely agree.

This is their problem to solve and their marriage.

Your Mom can choose to stay with him and put up with things, or she can decide to leave.

It's her choice and her husband.

If their arrangement is bothering you too much, then best you don't go over and get yourself all upset.

If your Mom or your Dad complain, let them know that the hours your Dad keeps doesn't work for you.

I can't see your Dad changing.

 

[Seymore]

I can eat before I go there, sure. But it's always been our thing to have dinner together so that's why I've always waited. If Dad isn't into it anymore I suppose I can just eat by myself and meet them for coffee later though. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, SherrySher said:

Absolutely agree.

This is their problem to solve and their marriage.

Your Mom can choose to stay with him and put up with things, or she can decide to leave.

It's her choice and her husband.

If their arrangement is bothering you too much, then best you don't go over and get yourself all upset.

If your Mom or your Dad complain, let them know that the hours your Dad keeps doesn't work for you.

I can't see your Dad changing.

 

I agree wholeheartedly. I'm a bit stuck in my ways about mealtimes for myself.  And I despise eating on the go/on the run/too quickly. 

It has to do partly with what I enjoy but mostly health related -digestion, blood sugar, not feeling ill/faint/too hangry.  I know myself so I eat when I can and if it means drinking water only with someone who wants to meet for lunch at 2pm (typically too late for me) or saying no to a late dinner (or if I do go out, again just getting tea -I don't eat heavy late at night) I take care of me. 

And I never insist my husband or son eat on my terms unless - I am cooking/making food.  Then I will say "I'm eating at ___" I can make you two/son -food if you want to eat before and if not I can prepare after I'm all done. "  This means we rarely have family meals and that's ok -it's how we roll.  Your mother is stuck in her ways about eating with her husband and only with her husband.  Telling her to change isn't going to work just like my husband suggesting I be like him and just "grab something" isn't going to work for me.

However - for 9 days on our winter break vacation I had to go with the flow because the priority was driving all over out west in order to pack as much into our trip. This meant: eating breakfast in a hotel bathroom to let my family sleep, grabbing a protein bar and box of cereal for lunch while hiking, balancing tuna salad in a car, waiting until we found fast food we all liked.  It wasn't fun.  I didn't criticize my husband or son for when they chose to eat, what they ate or timing etc.  I simply took care of me best I could to maximize our time seeing stuff in the great outdoors out west.  You IMO need to do the same with your parents -reevaluate the priority of your routine with them which is annoying to you now too much of the time.  Take care of you/eat before and think out of the box.  It's not worth it.

Unless your mom is in danger of fainting from not eating let her wait till husband gets up - she has balanced the up and downsides.  Perhaps offer to bring in take out to help your mom get his dad his dinner/their dinner.  

I get it about your mom not having a life.  My mom will be 89 next month and my dad held her back a lot because he was very very ill for many years. He was social but his illness kept them home a lot.  He died in 2016.  My mom then became extremely socially active with various local senior activities and during Covid continued to do them virtually plus outdoor socially  distanced meetings and walks with friends.  She is thriving and awesome and I know it's because of this.  She lives 800 miles away.  When we visit we do get on each others' nerves at times (we're very close!) and some of it revolves around mealtimes/food. 

She is still protective of how I eat/how much -I'm 57! - and comments too much at times (I am thin -she worries I don't eat enough).  But - I cut her slack -her age and she's my mom.  Your mom is choosing to mommy your father - it's her life - I don't think this dynamic will change at all.  I have friends who mommy their adult kids, etc. I stay out of it.  

I had very limited say in my mom's routine during the pandemic -I felt some of what she did was too risky but my mom is fiercely independent and really her social life saved her from that isolation so many older people had during Covid.  I inserted myself only in certain instances where the health risks were too great.  Your mom has no health risks from waiting to eat so - let it go.

Sorry for all the words/making it about me -this recent 9 day trip reminded me of how much I had to go with the flow and "accept the things I cannot change."  I hope it was a little relevant.

[Kwothe28]

You maybe dont like what I have to say. But their dynamic isnt on you to untangle. Ok, I dont get as well why your mom and you need to wait for dad and why he cant eat after he wakes up(dont understand why he sleep at that time as well but maybe he works 3rd shift or something). But that is definitely on them to untangle. 

As I understand, you have your own life. You dont depends on them anymore. And should take care of organizing the life outside of them. Meaning maybe see friends, maybe date(dunno if you have somebody or even married but dont think so if you are spending so much time with parents). Your parents, thank God, can take care of themselves. And organize their time as they see fit. If you dont like that, again, maybe you should organize your life outside of them more. Really dont see the need to do their dynamic every day when you are your own person now. 

[Seymore]

Trust me, nobody understands why he sleeps at that time...lol.  He's retired and I tend to think sitting in the dark basement most of the night/day has thrown off his circadian rhythm (he claims he "just can't help it"), but either way it's not my problem to solve.  My mother has nagged him to get every medical test in the book, and apart from getting a stent a couple of months back, he's fine, so that's a blessing.  

I do have a life, as suggested - if I have a prior commitment with friends, work or otherwise, I tell them I'll just catch up with them the next week.  But usually, I just try to spend an evening or two a week with them - I don't want them to be gone and regret not being there for them.  

I guess maybe my frustration stems not so much from eating so late, but that it feels like dad just doesn't care or see anyone else's time as valuable, and expects everyone to wait around for him.  There have been times where he'd say "Well if I knew you had something important I'd have gotten up earlier"...like THIS isn't important?

Like I've said - I can go to dinner with my mom and leave him at home.  But she won't do that.  So I can either frustrate myself trying to control the situation or just accept what it is and tell them when I'm available.

Thanks for letting me vent, and for the advice.  

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, Seymore said:

I guess maybe my frustration stems not so much from eating so late, but that it feels like dad just doesn't care or see anyone else's time as valuable, and expects everyone to wait around for him.  There have been times where he'd say "Well if I knew you had something important I'd have gotten up earlier"...like THIS isn't important?

Like I've said - I can go to dinner with my mom and leave him at home.  But she won't do that.  So I can either frustrate myself trying to control the situation or just accept what it is and tell them when I'm available.

This is outside your wheelcase and none of your business.  Once you accept that your frustration will decrease. I've had to do that with some of my husband's annoying habits and routines.

[Starlight925]

16 minutes ago, Seymore said:

Trust me, nobody understands why he sleeps at that time...lol.  He's retired and I tend to think sitting in the dark basement most of the night/day has thrown off his circadian rhythm (he claims he "just can't help it"), but either way it's not my problem to solve.  

I guess maybe my frustration stems not so much from eating so late, but that it feels like dad just doesn't care or see anyone else's time as valuable, and expects everyone to wait around for him. 

I agree that it appears as though sitting in the dark basement all day has thrown off his circadian rhythm.  Thing is, he appears to enjoy this lifestyle, and your mother enables it.

Your frustration that your dad doesn't seem to care that mom is waiting on him, is the true issue here, but unfortunately, as long as she enables it, there is not much you can do.

Others have given you great advice:  eat earlier, take your mom out for coffee and see her separately, etc.

I get where you are coming from and how frustrating it is, viewing your mother as sort of in this "prison" holding pattern, having to suppress her literal hunger while waiting on selfish behavior from someone else, but she is an adult, and she is choosing this.

Couples fall into dynamics for reasons we often don't understand, and this has become their dynamic.  The only thing you can do here is to love them from a figurative distance.  I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[SherrySher]

The mans happy, his wife accepts it best she can and in fact more than anything, enables it.

They are doing what they both want.

Let them be, maybe visit without expecting it to be meals since they don't have a regular schedule.

[SherrySher]

On 12/28/2023 at 8:21 AM, Seymore said:

Trust me, nobody understands why he sleeps at that time...lol.  He's retired and I tend to think sitting in the dark basement most of the night/day has thrown off his circadian rhythm

Either way, he's a grown man and no matter how weird, or unconventional it is, it's his life and his choices.

Same way you wouldn't want your parents dictating to you how to do things, or when.

Right?