First Post* Help! Advice needed for long distance catatrophe

[Lackdaisy]

Hello. I have been dating a younger lady for over a year. We were coworkers and friends and it turned into best friends and then it turned into lovers.  She is everything I have ever looked for in a companion and we had a good relationship but it was strained by her having terrible anxiety problems. At the time I met her she did not get along with her parents who live about 10 hours away. I often encourage her to have a better relationship with her family but she kept telling me that her family was like a cult.

She is in her 20s but still on her parents insurance, so she got on anxiety medicines but I could not get her to go to therapy even though she said that she wanted it and she needed it.  

 

One day we had a bad argument relating to her avoidance tendencies and I threatened to call her mother to try to get her to get some help. 

That led to a series of events where she decided to go live with her parents to get some mental help and therapy.

She left under the assumption that she could come and go as she pleased and still visit me and we could have a normal long distance relationship for a little while until she got her mental health in order and came back.

 

Tomorrow is the day that we planned for our first trip together and her parents both agreed to it and yesterday I found out that her mother is forbidding her to go and telling her that she will be disowned and kicked off of the insurance and will no longer have a relationship with her parents if she ever sees me again.  

I think the main reason that she doesn't want me to see her daughter is that I am 20 years older. And I can kind of understand that because I never whatsoever meant to fall in love with a younger girl. We just had such a deep connection and I honestly thought my feelings for so very long.  I kind of feel bad for dating somebody so young but I cannot help the way I feel and she says that she feels the same way and wants to marry me and have my kids and everything but but she does not want to risk being cut off from her therapy and medicine and counseling.

I really need some advice on what I can do? I really just don't know anything to do and I am getting to the point to where it makes me so sad it's affecting my mental health. It's mainly because I feel totally helpless in this situation.  I kind of feel like it would be easier to just break up right now then continue the stress of not knowing and feeling inadequate. Can somebody please give me some advice?. I have never posted on a forum like this and I just wanted to give it a shot because I'm at the end of my rope. Thank you very much!

 

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, Lackdaisy said:

 her parents who live about 10 hours away She is in her 20s but still on her parents insurance.she decided to go live with her parents to get some mental help and therapy. yesterday I found out that her mother is forbidding her to go and telling her that she will be disowned and kicked off of the insurance and will no longer have a relationship with her parents if she ever sees me again.  

Sorry this is happening. Is she scheduled for an arranged marriage? Unfortunately she has to do the right thing for her mental health and whatever her family is doing because she depends on them at this point. 

It seems unlikely you'll be able to reconcile, maintain a LDR or see her again. Keep in mind it was her decision to leave, even if now she's saying she can't see you because of her parents.

Sadly the relationship sounds toxic if you "threatened" to call her parents and tried to micromanage her mental health. 

[Batya33]

I would break it off as you two clearly aren't compatible for a long term romantic relationship.  Also sounds like you think it's ok to parent her and threaten to call her parents etc because you are so much older.  And you're somehow getting in the role of diagnosing her "avoidance tendencies" - if she is avoiding you it might be a mental health issue and simply might be she finds you too controlling, etc.  But yes let her be on her own.

[Lackdaisy]

Thank you for your help and replies.

I am not trying to micromanage her mental health. She was having panic attacks and severely depressed and I was trying to get her help. I was supporting her when she lost her job, she knew that she needed help but she was slipping further and farther "toward the darkness" I only threatened to call her mother because she kept missing her appointments that she herself made. I did not diagnose her with anything. She has several diagnoses including ADHD and depression.

There is also something else that I did not make clear. I am the one thinking that we cannot be in a long distance relationship. She is absolutely begging me to try and make this work even though she can't see me.

It has just is started not to be good for my mental health. She does not want me to let her go and she is very sweet and very loving but it's kind of getting to the point to where I'm just not sure I believe everything that she says even though she hasn't ever really lied to me that I have known about.

I think that we are truly in love with each other. I really want to be with her and she says that she really wants to be with me but is there any way we could make this happen??

Her plan is to become financially independent and get her own insurance and then come back to me but that just does not sound like anything but a fairytale. She is the one trying to talk me into staying in the relationship and the only reason that I can't agree it's because of the sadness and uncertainty.

I would even consider getting a job to be closer to her if I did not have a child from another marriage. I am just looking for reasons or help on how to make this work and how not to feel the way that I do. I was married for a long time, and I thought that I was in love then, but I have never in my life felt more in love than I do with my present girlfriend. She makes me kind of doubt that I was truly in love the first time I thought I was. This is not something I take very lightly so I would appreciate maybe anything that could possibly be helpful ideas for me to stay in this relationship because I genuinely love her. I want it to work really badly but I don't know how I can be anything but depressed because of the situation while I'm with her.

Thanks again

 

[Batya33]

Feeling in love/love is not enough -as you well know. I think it particularly applies here.

[Coily]

Having seen something similar to this in my life I think you need to be circumspect about this whole situation. Sounds like she is looking for an escape from her controlling parents, and you fit the bill. You may have fallen for her, and she may be affectionate towards you, but this is may not be long term.

Take into account that her saying her parents threaten her with being cut off from insurance if she disobeys, where you have been acting as a surrogate parental figure. Probably showing her more unconditional kindness than she is used to; which translated into romantic feelings due to her age/lack of experience.  Where you are all in as you have fallen for her.

Sometimes it works out, but very very rarely. One case I had witnessed was a marriage and then divorce as they were too different once they began married life. I fear that may be similar to your situation. It's not the age difference as much as it's different places in life.

TLDR: She is being held back by her parents and you are her escape from them.

[Tinydance]

Well you say she "can't" see you as if she's literally been tied to the bed by her parents or something. She's not being held hostage there physically so if she wants to stand up for herself then she can see you anytime. How old is this girl? You said she's in her twenties but what is her actual age? Is she from some kind of traditional culture or she's a westerner?

To be honest this girl sounds a bit infantile for someone in her 20's. And sounds like in your relationship you actually decided to take on this "Dad" parent role. And you were adding to her being treated like a kid and told what to do just like what her parents are doing. Just because you're 20 years older doesn't actually mean that it's your job to take care of her mental health, push her to have a relationship with her parents, etc. She's young but she is actually an adult and that's her responsibility to look after her mental health.

It's also up to her if and what kind of relationship she wants to have with her parents. Let's say if she wanted nothing to do with them, well that would be her choice. And if she wants to be controlled by them and be told who she can date, well that's her choice as well. She could try to get a job and get her own insurance but maybe she's scared to go out into the world on her own? 

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, Lackdaisy said:

That led to a series of events where she decided to go live with her parents to get some mental help and therapy.

What "series of events" led to her departure? You mentioned she lost her job?  Is she a legal resident of your country? 

It seems like she is waiting for you to marry, support and sponsor her replete with medical insurance. 

That's why she's staying in touch. However you're right not to fall for it and let her go back to her country and parents to support her. 

 

[Lackdaisy]

19 hours ago, Coily said:

Having seen something similar to this in my life I think you need to be circumspect about this whole situation. Sounds like she is looking for an escape from her controlling parents, and you fit the bill. You may have fallen for her, and she may be affectionate towards you, but this is may not be long term.

Take into account that her saying her parents threaten her with being cut off from insurance if she disobeys, where you have been acting as a surrogate parental figure. Probably showing her more unconditional kindness than she is used to; which translated into romantic feelings due to her age/lack of experience.  Where you are all in as you have fallen for her.

Sometimes it works out, but very very rarely. One case I had witnessed was a marriage and then divorce as they were too different once they began married life. I fear that may be similar to your situation. It's not the age difference as much as it's different places in life.

TLDR: She is being held back by her parents and you are her escape from them.

When she moved away her parents came and helped her move. Her parents promised her that she could come down there and take a vacation and not have to worry about bills and concentrate on her mental health and she would be able to come and go as she pleased and she would be able to see me, so we plan to trip and she okayed it with her parents several times until a couple of days before she was supposed to leave they got into a big argument and they threatened to cut her off and kick her off the insurance if she wasn't taking her mental health seriously and somehow I got lumped into that category because they think the age difference is too much. I have only met her parents a couple of times.

I do show her unconditional love and I have enough money to support her. I'm not rich or anything but I have a considerable amount of money saved up and would totally marry her if I wasn't getting such confusing vibes. She does not want me to support her and that was part of her mental health. She has several college degrees and she is very smart and capable she just has some issues that she's trying to work through is what she is saying. It seems to make her feel worse the thought of me supporting her and she has never really been the kind of person that like gifts or spending a lot of money on her. It genuinely seems to make her feel bad.

I appreciate you replying and giving me insight

[Lackdaisy]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What "series of events" led to her departure? You mentioned she lost her job?  Is she a legal resident of your country? 

It seems like she is waiting for you to marry, support and sponsor her replete with medical insurance. 

That's why she's staying in touch. However you're right not to fall for it and let her go back to her country and parents to support her. 

 

She is legal .. had a job in her field that she liked and then her boss started being very difficult so she quit and could not find a job in her field and took a job in the mental health department and it really affected her mentally and then she quit the job and we started arguing a lot because she pretty much stayed in the bed most of the time. I have never known her to be a lazy person until this time and we had lived together for over a year. One night she had a panic attack and I told her that if she was not going to help herself I need to talk to her mother or something and she got really angry and ended up calling her mom the next day which I was trying to get her mental health and I felt like I had no power except for to do that. 

[Lackdaisy]

10 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well you say she "can't" see you as if she's literally been tied to the bed by her parents or something. She's not being held hostage there physically so if she wants to stand up for herself then she can see you anytime. How old is this girl? You said she's in her twenties but what is her actual age? Is she from some kind of traditional culture or she's a westerner?

To be honest this girl sounds a bit infantile for someone in her 20's. And sounds like in your relationship you actually decided to take on this "Dad" parent role. And you were adding to her being treated like a kid and told what to do just like what her parents are doing. Just because you're 20 years older doesn't actually mean that it's your job to take care of her mental health, push her to have a relationship with her parents, etc. She's young but she is actually an adult and that's her responsibility to look after her mental health.

It's also up to her if and what kind of relationship she wants to have with her parents. Let's say if she wanted nothing to do with them, well that would be her choice. And if she wants to be controlled by them and be told who she can date, well that's her choice as well. She could try to get a job and get her own insurance but maybe she's scared to go out into the world on her own? 

She is in her mid twenties. And she Western culture 

The whole reason she moved back to Florida was for her mental health. When she got there and moved all of her stuff into storage, her parents who she is completely dependent on at the moment told her that they would kick her out of the house cut her off from money and kick her off of they're really good insurance. She is going to therapy twice a week and she seems to be benefiting from it.

Her parents just changed the terms of the agreement after she got there. We talk on the phone and video chat and even play some online games sometimes almost every day and for some reason they don't seem to care about that but they tell her if she sees me then she is not taking her mental health seriously and they are being really vague about it and she can't really get straight answers out of them at this time

 

Her goals are exactly to be financially independent as soon as possible and she is trying to get an online job so that she can move around and move back with me. Her immediate plan was to get away from them but she does not want to be disowned by her family because that has already happened to her once before. She got kicked out of her house when she was 15. That's the kind of parents that she has she lived in her car for 2 years. Then she graduated high school early and graduated college early. She thought this would make her parents proud and they acted proud and then she moved back in with them and they tried to start controlling her again. That is when she moved to where I am and now the cycle has repeated itself

[Tinydance]

3 minutes ago, Lackdaisy said:

She is in her mid twenties. And she Western culture 

The whole reason she moved back to Florida was for her mental health. When she got there and moved all of her stuff into storage, her parents who she is completely dependent on at the moment told her that they would kick her out of the house cut her off from money and kick her off of they're really good insurance. She is going to therapy twice a week and she seems to be benefiting from it.

Her parents just changed the terms of the agreement after she got there. We talk on the phone and video chat and even play some online games sometimes almost every day and for some reason they don't seem to care about that but they tell her if she sees me then she is not taking her mental health seriously and they are being really vague about it and she can't really get straight answers out of them at this time

 

Her goals are exactly to be financially independent as soon as possible and she is trying to get an online job so that she can move around and move back with me. Her immediate plan was to get away from them but she does not want to be disowned by her family because that has already happened to her once before. She got kicked out of her house when she was 15. That's the kind of parents that she has she lived in her car for 2 years. Then she graduated high school early and graduated college early. She thought this would make her parents proud and they acted proud and then she moved back in with them and they tried to start controlling her again. That is when she moved to where I am and now the cycle has repeated itself

Well these people sound really horrible. They kicked out their 15-year-old girl to sleep in her car for two years? What monsters do this? She could have been raped or God knows what else living alone on the streets like this! These people sound disturbed and very abusive. Funny they don't trust you because you're older but they are the ones who are the abusers. I actually wouldn't be surprised if a lot of her mental health stems from this. 

What's your financial situation like? Can you have her stay with you? Honestly I doubt her mental health is improving. I mean how can it improve when she's being completely controlled and emotionally manipulated? And threatened to get kicked out if she dates someone she really likes/loves. I think she needs to get out of there ASAP. What did she study in college? Does she have a profession she can get a job in?

If you're serious about this girl, you need to help her get away from her parents. I also don't really understand why you were encouraging her to be close to them when they are like this. And yes they do sound like they're a cult.

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Lackdaisy said:

 we had lived together for over a year. One night she had a panic attack and I told her that if she was not going to help herself I need to talk to her mother or something and she got really angry and ended up calling her mom the next day 

It almost sounds like you kicked her out because she was depressed and you flipped and threatened her. Then stood by when she called her parents to help her move out. Please step back. She seems to be trying to get her life together even though she went from the frying pan to the fire. 

[Lackdaisy]

5 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well these people sound really horrible. They kicked out their 15-year-old girl to sleep in her car for two years? What monsters do this? She could have been raped or God knows what else living alone on the streets like this! These people sound disturbed and very abusive. Funny they don't trust you because you're older but they are the ones who are the abusers. I actually wouldn't be surprised if a lot of her mental health stems from this. 

What's your financial situation like? Can you have her stay with you? Honestly I doubt her mental health is improving. I mean how can it improve when she's being completely controlled and emotionally manipulated? And threatened to get kicked out if she dates someone she really likes/loves. I think she needs to get out of there ASAP. What did she study in college? Does she have a profession she can get a job in?

If you're serious about this girl, you need to help her get away from her parents. I also don't really understand why you were encouraging her to be close to them when they are like this. And yes they do sound like they're a cult.

I'm sorry. I'm actively trying not to be too specific on some things. Her degree is mostly pre-med but she has two other degrees. Her parents do seem horrible and she also has three brothers and sisters that are treated in a similar way with financial things dangled over them in order to get them to do what the mother wants. That's why I say it's like a cult. She also checks up on them with GPS tracking, so there doesn't seem like anyway that we could even sneak around and see each other...Pretty much what this lady says, goes with the whole family are they are excommunicated from the family.  I did not know the whole story of how horrible the dynamic was when I was encouraging her to have a better relationship with her family. I'm just a family person and always want to think it's a good idea to have a good relationship with your family but when I heard the full story I was not so encouraging.

I have a pretty decent job and

I could definitely support her, but I have a daughter from a previous marriage and part of the stipulation of the divorce as I cannot have overnight house guests so we would have to be married to make that happen.

and that is part of my frustration. She says that it makes her feel bad when I buy her stuff and I offer to support her and she always over stresses herself trying to pay me back. It's like she has this mental thing about being supported by me but she thinks it's okay for her parents to support her because they owe it to her because of all of the abuse. It's mainly her mother, but her father is complacent because he always takes the mother's side and doesn't really take any action. I want to rescue her but she does not want to be rescued. She wants to get a job and be financially stable and get away from her parents and take a stand without being homeless when she gets kicked out. She does not want that to happen and I have made it clear that I would rescue her if that happened. It's just that her being financially stable at a job with insurance could take months or over a year and I really just don't have any ideas... Thank you again for your help

[Lackdaisy]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It almost sounds like you kicked her out because she was depressed and you flipped and threatened her. Then stood by when she called her parents to help her move out. Please step back. She seems to be trying to get her life together even though she went from the frying pan to the fire. 

I'm sorry but that is not exactly what happened. I never wanted her to leave.

I just wanted her to get help because I care about her and she is so very capable and I just wanted her to go to counseling and if she was going to take her prescriptions for anxiety and depression than to take them regularly instead of skipping two or three days. I did not even know that she called her parents. I was at work and she only told me later. I have no choice but to step back. How am I supposed to handle being away from a person that I've spent the last year with? I have actually become I guess what would be called a little bit codependent. I mean I love her.. I don't know what else to call it. All I want to do is encourage her and help her but I'm ending up just getting so frustrated about the situation that I don't feel like I'm doing that. I would do anything for this girl! This is the first time I felt in my life like I am truly in love like I would just do anything for her and she is perfect in every way and she is opposite in every perfect way and just everything about her makes me want to share my life with her and she makes me feel the same way. I don't know. It's hard to step back from that without being somewhat destroyed.

[Tinydance]

3 minutes ago, Lackdaisy said:

I'm sorry but that is not exactly what happened. I never wanted her to leave.

I just wanted her to get help because I care about her and she is so very capable and I just wanted her to go to counseling and if she was going to take her prescriptions for anxiety and depression than to take them regularly instead of skipping two or three days. I did not even know that she called her parents. I was at work and she only told me later. I have no choice but to step back. How am I supposed to handle being away from a person that I've spent the last year with? I have actually become I guess what would be called a little bit codependent. I mean I love her.. I don't know what else to call it. All I want to do is encourage her and help her but I'm ending up just getting so frustrated about the situation that I don't feel like I'm doing that. I would do anything for this girl! This is the first time I felt in my life like I am truly in love like I would just do anything for her and she is perfect in every way and she is opposite in every perfect way and just everything about her makes me want to share my life with her and she makes me feel the same way. I don't know. It's hard to step back from that without being somewhat destroyed.

Well dude if that's how you both feel then I don't think you should actually step back. I think you need to get her out of there. Remember she isn't being restrained by force. The restrain is only mental. As far as I understand the GPS tracking app works because the person actually gives permission to have their location. She can turn the permission off or even turn her location off. This is all just really weird because you're talking like she's been kidnapped and held hostage but she's free to leave. She just doesn't want to. The parents don't want her to be with you. So that's just not going to happen that you'll get their "permission" (though you don't need it). So your only two choices are get her out of there or you will not be with her at all. 

This is all quite ridiculous that you're a man in his mid 40's who is a father himself but you're talking like: "I'm not allowed to do XYZ, I'm just allowed to play video games with her". Like why are you tolerating all this? I don't understand how supposedly she's taking care of her mental health when she's being emotionally abused. And the therapy doesn't seem to be helping her realise what's actually really going on here.

[catfeeder]

She warned you about her family, so there she is. It’s up to her whether she wants to stay there according to their rules to keep her insurance, or not. If you can afford to buy her an equal insurance plan, then make the offer and see where she lands. If she doesn’t make the leap, that’s her choice, and you’ll need to respect it or risk a restraining order.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Lackdaisy said:

 we had lived together for over a year. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and part of the stipulation of the divorce as I cannot have overnight house guests so we would have to be married to make that happen.

Was your GF living with you? How often do you have custody of your daughter? How old is she?  

Your GF seems to have had a hard life, it seems she's just trying to find an anchor of some sort. 

[Coily]

6 hours ago, Lackdaisy said:

She says that it makes her feel bad when I buy her stuff and I offer to support her and she always over stresses herself trying to pay me back. It's like she has this mental thing about being supported by me but she thinks it's okay for her parents to support her because they owe it to her because of all of the abuse.

This makes a lot of sense in how she's acting. She has been basically cult programed to think money and obligations are tied together. Some people in this type of situation tend to fear being given gifts or support as they view this as you buying them.

Going forward I think leaving this part of the equation out of you talking with her will benefit you. It would be better to offer her help in ways that she would be fully independent financially. So rather than offering to help with a place to live, or insurance, or any other support; look for job and career opportunities. Help her network and get in-industry contacts. It's really the hardest thing to watch, because you want to help, but you have been going about it the way her parents control her.

If you truly care for her. support her in creative and constructive ways, not as a provider.

[SooSad33]

On 12/13/2023 at 9:11 AM, Lackdaisy said:

I am not trying to micromanage her mental health. She was having panic attacks and severely depressed and I was trying to get her help. I was supporting her when she lost her job, she knew that she needed help but she was slipping further and farther "toward the darkness" I only threatened to call her mother because she kept missing her appointments that she herself made. I did not diagnose her with anything. She has several diagnoses including ADHD and depression.

There is also something else that I did not make clear. I am the one thinking that we cannot be in a long distance relationship. She is absolutely begging me to try and make this work even though she can't see me.

It has just is started not to be good for my mental health.

- All of this is just going to drag you down more & more.  She needs to continue on in dealing with her mental health.  And is best med's be taken AND therapy, in order to have anything succeed.

But, this gal does NOT have the right frame of mind to be in a relationship and fps, YOU are 20 years older!?  Crazy man, just crazy!

You've had some decent experience in life and she has only just begun!  Eventually, many more things will cause an issue than just her mentality....

 

On 12/14/2023 at 9:38 AM, Lackdaisy said:

I could definitely support her, but I have a daughter from a previous marriage and part of the stipulation of the divorce as I cannot have overnight house guests so we would have to be married to make that happen.

and that is part of my frustration. She says that it makes her feel bad when I buy her stuff and I offer to support her and she always over stresses herself trying to pay me back. It's like she has this mental thing about being supported by me but she thinks it's okay for her parents to support her because they owe it to her because of all of the abuse. It's mainly her mother, but her father is complacent because he always takes the mother's side and doesn't really take any action. I want to rescue her but she does not want to be rescued

Okay, this is just tooo much!  No, YOU cannot 'rescue' this girl.

She has barely just begun her life and YOU will end up with nothing but continous challenges with all of them!  It's time to just stop it all.  You cannot save her, you cannot bend over backwards to try & make her happy.

She is NOT stable at all and all these people will do is continue to challenge you.  I don't think you fit in well at all here! ( put yourself in her parents shoes- how would you feel if you kid was dating someone 20 yrs their senior?) .

Time to take off those rose coloured glasses and smarten up, seriously.

Back off and wish her the best.  Take some down time to get yourself back to good and look into dating someone closer to your own age & more stable than this.

 

[smackie9]

You are no better than her parents, telling her, and forcing her what to do. It's only confusing her even more when honestly she needs to stand on her own two feet. She's trapped whether with them or you. Unfortunately she can't get help and live interdependently. She's scared, that's why she wants you to stick around. I think her parents are pounding her self esteem down so she will be dependant on them....it seem to be all about control. Everyone says "I was just looking out for her best interest" is that what it really is?

Sorry but IMO you really need to get out of this as a romantic partner. Be her friend, be supportive, but also move on.

*I really don't get why someone with such mental health issues would work in a field that would trigger her issues even more. That's like an alcoholic taking on a job as a bartender.