Silent treatment, but what's really going on?

[whiskersRwe]

A little over a week ago, I broke up with the guy I dated for a year. For the last half of the relationship, arguments and short 3-4 day breakups became fairly common. I'm not sure if this is in part because we both experienced some unfortunate life events (death of a mutal friend, etc) around the 6 month mark.

As our fights seemed to get worse, he began calling me unacceptable names and saying things like "I hate you" or "you don't deserve to be loved," taking things too far. Throughout the relationship, I almost always had to come to his place and spend time with his friends and/or support him at events revolving around his hobbies, but it wasn't reciprocal. After arguments, he would give me the silent treatment for a few days until I got so upset I'd beg for him to talk to me.

I feel like I still love this person, but at the same time, it's not healthy for me to be with someone who doesn't respect me and damages my self-esteem. Even though I was willing to (and did) break up with him if necessary, what I really wanted was for him to start treating me in a more loving and understanding way. I told him not to talk to me when I broke up with him and 3-4 days later I said I had had time to cool off if he wanted to talk. No response. A couple of days later, I asked if he would leave my mail packages (about $100) outside for me if I went by that evening. No response.

The packages were outside, so I know he's getting my texts. He has neither blocked me on social media nor asked for his key back. Aside from texting him the couple of times I mentioned, there's been no communication on my end either.

I did well for the first few days, but seem to be more upset as time goes on and am having a hard time, emotionally. Does anyone have some insight into this person's behavior or advice for me?

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, whiskersRwe said:

. For the last half of the relationship, arguments and short 3-4 day breakups became fairly common. As our fights seemed to get worse, he began calling me unacceptable names and saying things like "I hate you" or "you don't deserve to be loved," 

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Were you living together?  Unfortunately you were starting to see the real him at 6 mos. Abusive. Read up on red flags for abusive relationships.

Trust your instincts. You made the right decision ending things. Please make arrangements to pick up your item, then delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved conflicts and incompatibilities combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities.  Please don't go back to this. 

 

[whiskersRwe]

Thanks for responding @Wiseman2. We are both in our early 30's and I have my own place but mostly stayed with him even though my place is cleaner and larger. A few years ago, I left an obviously and violently abusive relationship and when I think about the recent ex's behavior patterns, they very much remind me of the other person's - i.e. both men abandoned me outdoors at night in a strange place. The real or imagined connection of these guys' behaviors sometimes makes me worry like I must be the problem and "cause" them to be abusive. Thanks again, it was nice to hear from someone.

[Andrina]

3 hours ago, whiskersRwe said:

As our fights seemed to get worse, he began calling me unacceptable names and saying things like "I hate you" or "you don't deserve to be loved," taking things too far.

He didn't take things too far in your opinion because you stuck around for more abuse. Your words don't match your inaction at that point.

You have a lot more work to do on your self-love or your next bf will likely be a repeat of the two exes. You're not causing them to be abusive. You're attracting and accepting abusers who see you as easy prey who will, for a time anyway, stay with their sorry souls.

Make a list of must-haves and dealbreakers and stick to it this time. There are no second chances for dealbreakers and major problems. Learn the difference between major and minor problems. Minor problems can be resolved with constructive discussions. Don't stick around for people with toxic, major problems.

Stay alone for a while while you read about boosting your self-worth, before you date again. For now, closure will eventually come when you block his number, delete it plus delete him on social media. Put a limit on venting about him to friends. After a few weeks, his name should no longer pass through your lips. Insight into his behavior is irrelevant. He's in your rear view mirror, so who cares?

[reinventmyself]

break ups typically tend to get more painful as time goes on.  It's the reality sitting in.  Stay on course and remember you don't want to repeat this painful process again.  Reconciling back into the same situation is a guaranteed revisit to what you are experiencing now.

Be real with yourself.  Did you break up because you were done with being treated poorly or were you ending it to get a reaction out of him?  If you were doing so in order to take care of yourself his 'behavior' no longer matters.

[SooSad33]

9 hours ago, whiskersRwe said:

I feel like I still love this person, but at the same time, it's not healthy for me to be with someone who doesn't respect me and damages my self-esteem.

 Even though I was willing to (and did) break up with him if necessary, what I really wanted was for him to start treating me in a more loving and understanding way. 

I told him not to talk to me when I broke up with him and 3-4 days later I said I had had time to cool off if he wanted to talk. No response.

 

None of this is healthy.  He pulls away or breaks it off with you repeatedly?

Then, in turn, you do the same to maybe form some 'control', or attempt, as you said, to get him to 'change'.

No, none of this has been working, has it?

You two just aren't compatible.  More toxic, and the way you two were going about it has done nothing but cause more problems. So, it's a lack of respect and communication.

You will NOT get what you want from him. As I said it's all very unhealthy.  It's best to just STOP the torture and mind games and accept it's done now.  Or you will just keep dragging yourself down again & again with an immature man child.

 

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, whiskersRwe said:

The real or imagined connection of these guys' behaviors sometimes makes me worry like I must be the problem and "cause" them to be abusive.

No, that's not how it works. 

They are abusive in general. It is extremely unlikely they have only ever abused you and no other partners. The problem is that you are not weeding abusive men out the first time they behave this way. 

That is where you need to step back and do some work on yourself, so you don't keep repeating the same pattern of staying with abusers. 

[whiskersRwe]

I want to clarify that I was asking for insight into his behavior, not how to change it. I don't think he will change. For example, is the silent treatment thing normal or is it always a red flag? When reading about it, the word "narcissist" often comes up, but I don't know if that necessarily means the person is a narcissist.

I just want to dispel my own confusion and understand the situation so I can process it, come to terms with it, and be on alert and savvy in the future. I don't want a repeat of this situation.

Just because I'm heartbroken doesn't mean this person is a "good catch" or I need to be back with them; I'm heartbroken because I was mistreated. 

Thanks everyone for your responses!

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, whiskersRwe said:

is the silent treatment thing normal or is it always a red flag?

It is not normal, no. It is indeed a red flag. 

5 minutes ago, whiskersRwe said:

the word "narcissist" often comes up, but I don't know if that necessarily means the person is a narcissist.

In the end, it doesn't really matter if these men are narcissists in the clinical sense or not. That sort of behaviour is unacceptable and you don't deserve to be treated that way. 

It is normal, though, that you are having a hard time processing all of this. You are going to need to be patient with yourself as you go through the emotional ups-and-downs that come with a break-up, especially when you were mistreated. Work on identifying what it is that keeps you with these men long after you should have ended it, and how you can avoid a repeat in the future. 

[Andrina]

4 hours ago, whiskersRwe said:

I was asking for insight into his behavior

He verbally abused you by calling you names. He abused you by punishing you with the silent treatment. He was self-centered by the activities revolving around him and his people only. That's what you wrote so I'm not getting how that isn't insight for you to have figured out on your own. The right person eases your troubles and makes you feel like a priority. 

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, whiskersRwe said:

I want to clarify that I was asking for insight into his behavior, not how to change it. I don't think he will change. For example, is the silent treatment thing normal or is it always a red flag?

When someone pulls the silent treatment it means they've never learned how to negotiate problems in a reasonable way. So they just abandon people. It's pretty common among those who also reach for nasty name-calling, which is equally destructive.

Healthy couples certainly DO argue, but they do it respectfully. Insults are off the table. If either partner wants to pull back from an argument, they can say, "I need some time to think about this, so I need to stop talking for a while. Can we come back to this after some rest?"

Stonewalling and insults are both serious red flags to walk away from, sooner rather than later. If you want a healthy loving relationship, you'll need to screen out people who are not healthy and loving. You did the right thing here, and congrats for that, even though it doesn't feel so great right now. You'll be proud of yourself soon enough, just hang in there.

[Tinydance]

Well if you’re asking if the silent treatment because you broke up is normal, I think it's normal just in this instance. You asked him not to talk to you and then changed your mind. That doesn't actually mean he HAS to talk to you. If your relationship is over I think you should actually go no contact as well. You said you wanted to break up with him but you're expecting him to continue talking to you. I think you need to make a firm decision as to what you actually want and go forward with that decision. Maybe he's being passive aggressive by literally not replying but if it's over he doesn't have to have friendly chats with you or something. For example if my ex wanted to pick up their things, I'd probably be like: "OK come over XYZ time, see you then." There's no requirement to be replying in some kind of friendly or chatty manner, like: "How's your day going?" If you want to break up then continue on as if it's over and done with. 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 12/9/2023 at 8:12 AM, whiskersRwe said:

I want to clarify that I was asking for insight into his behavior,

@whiskersRweI am not a shrink but what I suggest to you is that instead of seeking clarity and insight into HIS behavior, seek clarity and insight into your own behavior.  Why you make the choices you make and when you know in your gut this person is not the right person for you (nor YOU for him because it goes both ways), why you choose to stay.  And yes it IS a choice, it's most definitely a choice.

For example, this:

On 12/8/2023 at 11:41 AM, whiskersRwe said:

After arguments, he would give me the silent treatment for a few days until I got so upset I'd beg for him to talk to me.

I trust you are able to recognize now what a horrible message that sent to him.  What you did essentially was reward him for treating you like crap.  It also most likely resulted in him losing respect for you which in his twisted brain, gave him license to continue abusing you.

It can become a vicious cycle that is hard to break. 

I also liken it to an addiction of sorts, HE was your drug of choice.  He goes silent, you experience withdrawal, you need your fix and will resort to anything to get it, even begging.  And guess what?  HE knows this too.

I was not surprised to learn your previous relationship was also abusive.  Patterns tend to repeat until and unless we ourselves do the internal work needed to understand ourselves and why we make the choices we make.

Nevermind why HE behaves the way he does.  He's grown man, if he cares about why he behaves the way he does (which I doubt he does) let him figure it out.  

Your job is to figure YOU out, on your own through introspection and/or with the help of a qualified therapist to avoid choosing the "wrong" men and learning healthier ways of developing and conducting your relationships going forward.