Should i just give up trying to connect with my newly discovered half sister ?

[Willowgirl55]

A few years ago I was contacted by my two other half siblings about a daughter that our mother had and gave up for adoption when she was a baby. 

There is a rocky back story with my two other half siblings (from same mother we all just had different fathers). I am the youngest out of the 3 (58) and I've ceased communication from the two about a decade ago. Lets say their moral flexibility was too much for me, blood relative or not it was inexcusable. 

So into the picture comes Sally (not actual name). She found my half brother and half sister through an adoption agency and also through Ancestory.com I think. 

5 years ago I get an email from my half brother simply advising me of the new family member. He told me that I can contact her through HIM first IF I chose to reach out to her. I responded saying I will reach out to her directly if he would provide me with her email address. 

I did. This was quite an emotional rollercoaster for me. For 1 I didn't want to hear from my half brother. And 2 I thought this was another mean trick that they were playing again just to try and emotionally control me. 

I emailed Sally, and we exchanged phone numbers. She proceeded to tell me the story of how she found the three of us and the history of her life. She had come to our town and visited with my HB and HS. I was not in the equation as I was not notified until after the fact when she was on her way back to the airport to catch her plane back home. She asked if I could meet her at the airport while waiting for her flight back home so I obliged. It was a nice meeting and I cried seeing her. As she looked exactly my mother. Quite emotional for me, not so much for her I guess. 

Anyway over the 5 years since meeting I have taken a trip to see her and her family. She invited me and my partner to stay with her and her family during the visit. It was a nice weekend of just getting to know each other. 

Fast forward over the past 4 years she has stopped contacting me. I send emails asking how she and her family are doing and I get brief responses. The only time she has reached out to me at all, was to advise me of someone dying in our extended family. And these emails are just a single line stating that she "thought I should know" that  my uncle passed or that my half sisters husband passed away, or that a friend of my mothers son just passed. 

Thats been it from her .

I tried again just a few days ago to reach out and to wish her a happy holiday and have nothing for a response.

I'm sad and discouraged. oh well. Should I just let it be? I was hoping I could connect and have some kid of relationship with her but she doesn't seem interested. Sometimes I wonder what my other half siblings have fed her about me. 

Should I just give up? 

 

[MissCanuck]

47 minutes ago, Willowgirl55 said:

Should I just let it be?

Yes. 

I am sorry you are disappointed, and I get why it stings. However, when someone isn't reciprocating, it evenutally becomes pointless to continue putting yourself out there. You can't forge a relationship when the other person is unresponsive. 

You tried, and good on you for that. It's time to work on putting her behind you, though. 

[Andrina]

It's probably the case that even though you're blood related, there's a lack of past history, so those levels of a built-up bond never happened. Perhaps if you lived near to one another, it'd be like having a new friend that you'd be seeing regularly, and building a bond in that way. But for some, an occasional e-mail, etc., doesn't do anything to make them feel connected, and they prefer to put their efforts into loved ones locally.

It's one-sided, so I'd match her efforts, which are minimal. Take care.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Willowgirl55 said:

Itried again just a few days ago to reach out and to wish her a happy holiday and have nothing for a response. Sometimes I wonder what my other half siblings have fed her about me. 

Sorry this is happening. It's nice you reconnected and visited each other. However sometimes relatives drift into the "once a year Christmas card" category as their lives move along and things happen.

It's doubtful your step siblings have any influence. It's ok to send a greeting once a year, even if there's no response.  It's not as if you're exchanging gifts and whatnot so a card or a greeting isn't really a big deal. Maybe one day they'll swing around again. 

[catfeeder]

Your half siblings wouldn't have needed to speak badly of you in order for that estrangement to make the relationship uncomfortable. It may have felt like a tightrope walk for the new sib.

I would probably send birthday and holiday cards, as those don't require a response. Maybe the pendulum will swing back at some point.

[Cherylyn]

Yes,  just let it be.  You are correct.  She isn't interested in a sibling relationship with you.  I'm sorry.  Yes,  give up.  ☹️

[Willowgirl55]

Yeah thanks. I guess it's time to give up on that hope. Thanks. 

[Tinydance]

Sorry I'm late to comment. Well I think maybe your half sister's interest in you isn't zero. But it's just not very high and she doesn't feel super close to you. In all fairness that's actually understandable because while you're related, you never knew each other and are virtually strangers. This might be a weird comment but there have been instances where siblings or relatives who were separated and never grew up together who met later in life and actually developed a romantic relationship. Because they just didn't see that person as a relative at all and just saw them as someone completely unrelated.

You've obviously lived very different lives and met at an age where most of your life has already passed. I think maybe your sister did want to try to build a connection but that doesn't mean there is one. Like, there isn't a natural click. 

I think maybe because you're estranged from your other siblings, you were putting too much hope on the newly found sister. But in reality it's like asking to automatically be close to a stranger you just met. 

I actually think it doesn't mean that you literally have to cut her off. But just don't expect much and follow her lead. E.g. If she messaged saying such and such passed away, just say you appreciate she reached out and ask after her. But if you don't hear from her much then don't message her much either.

It must also be hurtful to know your own mother gave you up for adoption but kept the other children. One of my close friends was given up by her mother as a small child.  Her mother then moved to another country and had more kids there and kept them. Those siblings reached out to my friend but it was a painful reminder for her of what happened. And the siblings would say to her: "Why do you call our mother by her first name and you don't call her Mum?" And my friend would be like: "Because I don't actually know her and I was raised by my adoptive Mum."