my friend is cheating

[dunkatruck]

this one hits hard because ive been up close and personal in this couples home and i consider myself like their child.

i admire the hell out of my friend and her discipline, tenacity and bravery have helped me get out of a dark place in my life and has helped me improve in many aspects. shes expressed pre-existing doubts about her relationship but their families and friends are all deeply involved and they live together so it's often shoved to the side as they've built so much together already. 

she was approached by this guy when i was with her and she started off uninterested but has increasingly let him wear her barrier down. he is persisting despite her initially telling him shes taken and keeps asking her for seemingly "innocent" hangouts. per my advice, she's turned down every one of them and from where we last left it, she refused to give him her contact to avoid meeting outside of the gym. then a few days later, she contacts me to let me know she's having dinner with him? and she's told her partner that she'll be with me instead. she justifies that she's not doing anything physical with him but i'm not sure if she'd even tell me if she does. and this seems to delve into the realm of emotional cheating.  i've expressed that i don't like the guy or trust him and told her to be careful and talk to her spouse to try salvage the relationship but it seems she has little desire or faith in that getting anywhere. 

i've been on the receiving end of an untruthful/unfaithful partner and it's been on my mind constantly. i can't sleep without feeling guilt-ridden. i don't want this to affect our friendship as i've seen her get defensive about it when i've criticised it. i'm going to tell her i don't want anymore involvement from this point onward. this isn't sitting right with my spirit but i just don't know what to think anymore. 

[Batya33]

45 minutes ago, dunkatruck said:

. i'm going to tell her i don't want anymore involvement from this point onward. this isn't sitting right with my spirit but i just don't know what to think anymore. 

Yes- how selfish of her.  Tell her this and then I'd stay out of it.  Tell her if she speaks of it further you will feel like you have to inform her partner.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, dunkatruck said:

i don't want this to affect our friendship as i've seen her get defensive about it when i've criticised it

It's already affecting your friendship, and the fault is entirely hers. 

Let her get defensive. So what? She should feel uncomfortable about what she is doing. She should be ashamed of her behaviour, both towards her spouse and to you. If she were a decent friend, she wouldn't be putting you in the awkward position of being her cover story. 

I would re-evaluate what sort of person she actually is, and be clear with her that you are not going to enable this by lying to her spouse if he comes looking for her when you know she is with her crush. 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, dunkatruck said:

this one hits hard because ive been up close and personal in this couples home and i consider myself like their child. then a few days later, she contacts me to let me know she's having dinner with him? and she's told her partner that she'll be with me instead. 

Sorry this is happening. How old is she? How long have they been together?  Where were you all together to notice this? At the gym? Simply tell her you don't feel comfortable covering for her.

Unfortunately you can let her know your concerns but you don't have to participate in any deception regarding her whereabouts.  Distance yourself from the situation. Recuse yourself from the entire situation.

While she seems to want to confide in you, you don't have to be her wing woman. Are you friends with her partner? 

[Coily]

The jerk part of me wants to suggest that the next time you are used as cover by this "person" you text their spouse and ask where your "friend" is.

But that's bad advice. I would just flat out disassociate yourself from her entirely and abruptly. If their spouse asks be honest, don't get sucked into the vortex here. Though I genuinely am not sure how to bring this up to the spouse, but they deserve to know if your "friend" doesn't get the message about why you are checking out of the friendship.

In short don't be an accessory to crimes against matrimony.

[catfeeder]

She positioned you badly by relying on you as her alibi, and I’d have said, “Hell no” to that.

I’d say, “I’ve always thought the world of you, and a big part of that has been your values. So let’s agree that we can talk about anything else in the world, and I’m going to assume that you have done the right thing going forward, and you can’t tell me anything that would disabuse me of that idea. I won’t lie for you, I won’t be your alibi, and we won’t speak of this again.”

She doesn’t have to ‘like’ this, and she can even get PO’d, but that’s too bad and not your problem.

Head high, and do the right thing by putting a stop to your involvement in this. Even if that means changing gym memberships.

 

[lostandhurt]

12 hours ago, dunkatruck said:

i'm going to tell her i don't want anymore involvement from this point onward. this isn't sitting right with my spirit but i just don't know what to think anymore. 

This is perfect.  Don't get drug into her cheating and lies. This guy is just going to use her and dump her and it sounds like she won't listen so back off and keep your distance.

 Nothing good will come from this and her asking you to lie for her is so wrong.  I guess you don't admire her as much as you used to.

 Lost

[Kwothe28]

I think that you should tell her just what you wanted. As its not right to use you as a cover up for her affair.

As far as cheating goes, its really not that surprising. She doesnt get attention in marriage so she felt for somebody who gave her one. Even if he is the worst sleezeball on Earth. Doesnt make it OK ofcourse. And its better to just leave the relationship instead. Just saying what is probably behind it.