I ghosted someone and really regret it. What should my next steps be?

[sxreeam]

In April ‘23 I,(F21), met John, (M20), at a birthday party we both attended. At the party we both had a couple drinks and played a game of “We’re Not Really Strangers” a card game to get to know your friends on a deeper level. Because I was intoxicated, I let people know my past. I was abused when I was younger and have a hard time with relationships and letting people in. I get terrified, I have a fear of people using my past against me to hurt me. After the party, John messaged me and let me know that he liked listening to me and wanted to get to know me more. 

I decided to move forward with letting someone get to know me. I am in counseling now and was in counseling then and my counselor thought this was going to be a good idea for me. This was a good opportunity for me to grow and also an opportunity to get out of my comfort zone. It was very uncomfortable for me and I often felt like I was being asked constantly to explain my past. Even when I didn’t want to talk about it. I felt emotionally exhausted and actually told John this. He reacted well and decreased his interest in my past. 

At the time, May, of me asking him for some space, we also went home for the summer, we’re in college (however he dropped out), and during the summer my interaction with people online greatly decreases. I spend time with my family, I spend time with friends in person, and I also take the time to be by myself and really center myself. It can be hard to be at home for an extended period. I let John know this, and he continued to talk to me for a majority of every day. I felt overwhelmed and quite frankly was upset at him. He had started a friendship with people in a community that I did not like. They are nasty about women and have track records of being “incels” in our community. 

I had previously discussed my disgust with John, about these people. I believed that his friendship with them had changed his personality and was the reason he started caring less about school and things other than a video game we all play. I had also learned from my interactions with these people, in a server we were all in, that John had told them about his interest in me and I was terrified that he was telling them the details of my life. We had never put a label on our relationship and he never took me on any dates, so I am hesitant to even call this a relationship. Upon realizing that he was truly friends with these people, I pulled away and decreased my conversations with John, in July. He noticed and asked me if he had done anything wrong. I said no, because really those are people he considers friends and I knew I couldn’t change his mind on them. We continue to talk a couple times in July, mainly initiated by him, and we never talk about my past again after my decrease in communication. 

In August, John’s friends were complaining in the server about not being able to get girlfriends. I chose to reply to them and tell them why they can’t get girlfriends. It was really summed up to: you don’t shower, you don’t have a job, and all you care about is being good at a video game. They did not like this and John decided to reply to my message and bring up my previous lack of relationship experience. I was hurt by this. I genuinely did not think that he was capable of being mean to me in that way. He knew of my past issues and barriers in relationships. I decided then, August 8th, to cut all contact with with John and his associated friends. 

No contact was going well until, November 1st, when an (unrelated) incident had John and his friends temporarily banned. I had to deliver the news, because of my position in the community they were banned in. Delivering the news to John was incredibly awkward for me. I made small talk and he asked me why our communication stopped. I explained to him why, for all of the reasons I discussed above. He told me that his intention was never to hurt me and that he had not discussed any details of our involvement to his friends.That the most he did was ask them for advice and told them that he really liked me. I do believe that his intentions were to not hurt me when he brought up my previous relationship. Mainly because he had always been kind and had supported me through talking about my past. I knew that he did genuinely care for me but I was clouded by my assumptions and fear. I was made aware that I really hurt John by cutting all contact and not giving any reasons or warning. He told me that he wished I had talked to him about being upset instead of ghosting him. 

This has been eating away at me mainly because our interaction online has slightly increased and has me remembering the way I treated him. I wasn’t always the best towards John and have said things to him in the past just because my trauma was being triggered. I apologized to him last night, November 29th. I told him,” I’d like for you to know that I am not proud of the way I treated you. I knew you liked me and had a genuine interest in all parts of me. And it terrified me. Clouded by my fear, I believed that the only way to get rid of my fear was to get rid of you. I’m terribly sorry for that. And I want you to know I have felt guilty about it and it has eaten away at me for a while. I genuinely do miss your presence and kick myself for ***ing it up. I really enjoyed talking to you even though I know I didn’t show it and left you questioning. I feel terrible about it and have thought a lot about reaching out. I don’t expect for you to give me grace or to even care for me at all. I just have to get this off my chest.” 

He accepted my apology and acknowledged that it was something hard for me to do. Which it was, it was extremely hard to talk about my feelings. He told me “I'm down to be friendly but my feelings have definitely changed w everything thats happened since we stopped talking and I'm not going to go back to talking everyday or anything like that, not that thats something u would want either. I'm willing to look past everything tho and give u the space to not make the same mistakes in the future.”
 
I am posting in here because I don’t know how to move forward. I am unsure if I still have romantic feelings for John. I genuinely do miss having someone to talk to about my feelings. But I also do not want to disregard my previous feelings. Because I was upset and I was also uncomfortable with his insistent interest in me. Really I just don’t know what to do. My friends are not helpful, as we’re all relatively young. I would just like some advice and thoughts from people older than me. 
 

[MissCanuck]

I don't think there's much more to do from here, really. 

You were honest and apologized. He accepted and let you know things had changed for him. There's no bad blood but it doesn't appear there is much more to build on, either. 

However, given what you said about the group of people he associates with (and your understandable concern about them), do you really want a guy like this in your life? 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, sxreeam said:

 played a game of “We’re Not Really Strangers” a card game to get to know your friends on a deeper level. Because I was intoxicated, I let people know my past. I was abused when I was younger and have a hard time with relationships and letting people in. . I am in counseling now and was in counseling then and my counselor thought this was going to be a good idea for me. 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately he seems too immature for you and it may be best to disassociate from him and this group of "incels".  

It's good you're spending time in real life with friends and family. Are you at university? Please look into joining some groups and clubs getting involved in sports and fitness taking some extra classes and courses and broadening your social horizons. Have fun making new friends. 

Please reflect on the wisdom of sharing extremely sensitive information about yourself at parties and with strangers.

Please ask your therapist about TMI. It's better to only confide in trusted friends and family rather than turn your past trauma into a party game. 

[Cherylyn]

I think you need to let it go meaning accept John's stance.  He accepted your apology with the caveat of readjusting the dynamic for himself which is his form of boundaries with you.  He is willing to be cordial with you albeit cautiously.  Respect his position.  Either accept him as is or perhaps you can drift apart and fade away if his offer isn't good enough for you.

Move forward by working on yourself.  Get healthy because there is a strong connection between sound body, sound mind.  Surround yourself with very moral people preferably in person.  Back off from social media.  You will find the break whether temporary or permanent freeing. 

I've found that the best healing is to focus taking outstanding care of yourself and not preoccupy yourself with others,  what they're thinking and the like.  Get busy.  Work hard at any of your endeavors.  Have goals.  Be industrious.  Don't waste time.  You'll attract like minded people this way without even trying. 

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, sxreeam said:

Because I was intoxicated, I let people know my past. I was abused when I was younger and have a hard time with relationships and letting people in. I get terrified, I have a fear of people using my past against me to hurt me.

Once you know you will act in a way that gets you into trouble under the use of alcohol, it's a sign you actually should avoid it. I have so many relatives who are much happier now that they are sober. Maybe nip a problem in the bud before it becomes a hard problem to solve. 

1 hour ago, sxreeam said:

I decided to move forward with letting someone get to know me. I am in counseling now and was in counseling then and my counselor thought this was going to be a good idea for me. This was a good opportunity for me to grow and also an opportunity to get out of my comfort zone. It was very uncomfortable for me and I often felt like I was being asked constantly to explain my past. Even when I didn’t want to talk about it. I felt emotionally exhausted and actually told John this. He reacted well and decreased his interest in my past. 

I'm actually shocked the counselor suggested this. IMO, just as alcoholics shouldn't begin anything new, including new relationships until being sober a minimum of a year, shouldn't you not date until you are able to ditch the emotional baggage you're lugging around?

I think it's the wrong time to think of dating when you're expecting the worse from someone and are terrified by the dating process. If I were you, I'd continue with counseling and just concentrate on your higher education and spending time with girlfriends and hobbies. It's okay to share what's gone on in your past minimally with those close to you, but save the majority of talks with your therapist. It becomes too much for friends, a bf, etc., if you overdo it on these talks.  I have a friend from childhood who lives a 3 hours away and I've distanced myself as talks are concerned because I keep having to hear the horrible stories of what happened to her as a child and adult, and I get depressed when I'm with her instead of having fun companion time. I'm sorry she suffered and I was okay she shared things with me the first time, but I think she's hurting herself by rehashing these stories over and over, bringing forth all the emotions that come with those memories.

I'm sorry you've suffered as well. I think that this guy was drawn to you after your drunken story because predators prey on people they believe are weak. He's no prize and you're just feeling lonely right now. You don't need a man right now. I was not a good place mentally in junior college when I met my first husband who was toxic. I really wish I would've stayed single until I was in a better place emotionally to date.

Good luck and be proud of doing what's best for yourself in higher education and seeking help with a therapist.

[Tinydance]

Well I think you seem to have a lot of insight into this situation and you're talking about it in a mature way. So would you say John is also an incel or misogynistic? Or he's just in Discord server with guys who are? Is this Discord server for online gaming?

I'm not sure why some posters here are basically saying John is an a - hole and you don't need him in your life and things like that. I didn't really see anything in your post to suggest that John is a jerk himself or that he's a predator. I don't really see how listening to someone open up about their past and wanting to get to know them better automatically makes  them a predator. I think that's a pretty unfair assumption.

I know that John is on Discord with those jerk guys but to be fair you're actually in that Discord server as well. So I don't think you can really say that John is a jerk that he's there with those guys because you're there too. So couldn't the same thing also be said about you that you're associating with those "incels"? I'm not saying this to make you feel bad but I'm just trying to play devil's advocate here.

I think that you need to accept John as he is or not be friends with him. I know you've realised he won't change his mind about talking to those guys and I think you've also realised that you can't tell him what to do. If you don't like that then you don't need to be friends with John - that's up to you. But obviously you can't tell him what to do in his life. Especially because he's not really your boyfriend, he's just a friend. You seem to like each other but it doesn't seem like you ever really directly told each other how you felt?

Also is he good friends with those guys? Or he just plays online games with them? I think there's a difference between actually being friends with them and for example video calling or calling them one-on-one and just playing online games and that's it. Maybe he likes playing the games and if they're multi player then obviously he needs other people to play with. 

I don't think it's really your job to tell those guys that they're jerks or why they can't get girlfriends. I know you don't like them but obviously they're not going to react well to you telling them they're losers, etc. If you don't like them, I think the mature thing would be to just leave the Discord server and not associate with them anymore. I don't think you can really complain that they're annoying you if you're there by your own choice. 

Also I wouldn't necessarily just assume that John was telling these guys all about your past. I think this is an assumption you made because you're anxious and you have your past trauma.

I think it's really good you're doing therapy and you were trying to get close to people and develop friendships, despite everything you went through.

[Jaunty]

26 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

 

I'm not sure why some posters here are basically saying John is an a - hole and you don't need him in your life and things like that. I didn't really see anything in your post to suggest that John is a jerk himself or that he's a predator. I don't really see how listening to someone open up about their past and wanting to get to know them better automatically makes  them a predator. I think that's a pretty unfair assumption.

 

I sure didn't get the impression that John is a predator, but I do think that the friendship started off on the wrong foot, as he was evidently drawn to the OP because of her stories of her traumatic past.   He followed up on this by talking about her traumatic past until she had to ask him to back off - he did.  But then at a later point he ended up talking to her for the majority of most days, and again, had to be asked to back off.

In short, John seems to have little sense of boundaries and IMO, OP, a healthy relationship of any kind, romantic, familial or friendship, requires that the people involved ALL understand how to have their own boundaries and be able to pick up on others' without constantly treading all over them and needing to be policed.

Kind of seems like he was taking on the stances of his Incel friends on Discord, too, which again points to boundary issues.

IMO this is not the kind of friend you really need to have in your life, OP.

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, Jaunty said:

I sure didn't get the impression that John is a predator, but I do think that the friendship started off on the wrong foot, as he was evidently drawn to the OP because of her stories of her traumatic past.   He followed up on this by talking about her traumatic past until she had to ask him to back off - he did.  But then at a later point he ended up talking to her for the majority of most days, and again, had to be asked to back off.

In short, John seems to have little sense of boundaries and IMO, OP, a healthy relationship of any kind, romantic, familial or friendship, requires that the people involved ALL understand how to have their own boundaries and be able to pick up on others' without constantly treading all over them and needing to be policed.

Kind of seems like he was taking on the stances of his Incel friends on Discord, too, which again points to boundary issues.

IMO this is not the kind of friend you really need to have in your life, OP.

But I also don't think it's actually fair to be talking about your past and trauma voluntarily but then you blame the other person. Or make assumptions that the person will tell others when maybe they're not actually telling anyone. I'm also guessing they didn't just talk about her past 24/7. They probably also talked about other things and played video games and what not. If he was constantly just forcing her to talk about her past then yeah that's not good. But if he was just messaging a lot and it was too much for her then that's not necessarily being a jerk or predator. It's just someone who's interested in her and acting too keen. She actually wrote that she has/had feelings for John. So if they both had feelings for each other then kind of makes sense why they talked a lot. If OP got scared away by getting close or scared he knew her past, that's more issues on her side. Also she says she has a problem with those guys but she said she was telling them they're losers and so on. So she's obviously in that Discord server as well and she talks to them too. So she's blaming John for the same thing she's doing herself.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, sxreeam said:

In April ‘23 I,(F21), met John, (M20), at a birthday party we both attended. At the party we both had a couple drinks and played a game of “We’re Not Really Strangers” a card game to get to know your friends on a deeper level. Because I was intoxicated, I let people know my past. 

Please keep in mind you can't unsay things. It's unfortunate you over shared this information with people, especially John.

Always remember your Miranda rights: 

 “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you".

A lot of this happened because of over sharing and giving power away to people you barely know and shouldn't trust. Such as this John character and his group of equally immature and irresponsible friends. 

[lostandhurt]

Looking at the basics of this whole situation I see this:

You gave letting someone get close to you a shot and when things got real it freaked you out and you backed off.  That is perfectly fine. It matters little if John is a jerk or an incel or whatever.  You tried he wanted to know more and more about you which is common and it made you uncomfortable.

 Now you feel the loss of having someone to talk to being gone and the memories of how you felt when things got to close have faded you want it or him back so you are questioning what you did.  People do this all the time in relationships. They break up, time goes by and they feel lonely and so they start questioning if they did the right thing.

 All the other stuff is not all that important.  What is important is that you are working on yourself and you tried getting out of your comfort zone.  It didn't work out this time but it could the next time.

 I don't think John turned out to be that great of a guy to get close to and your gut told you the same thing so you backed off.  You learned a lot through all this and it will help you in the future so don't beat yourself up over all this.

Perhaps it is best to just let this fade away.

Lost

[smackie9]

There will be times in your life when it's just best to walk away....this would be one of those times. 

I'm gonna give you some advice....dumping your trauma on a love interest is not healthy. Leave that for your counselor. Don't let your past define you....you need to get those feelings settle, then leave it in the past, go forward in a positive light. 

Next you can't control everything about people. This guy was associated with an unsavory group, then you just distance yourself from him. 

You over stepped with those guys. That was their safe place to vent and you stepped all over them. Sure you don't agree with there views, but it wasn't your place. You should have left the server instead.