My boyfriend broke up with me

[Starlight925]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I'm throwing away the keys and keeping the pet stuff. 

To answer the question, he did not introduce me to his friends. 

Throw it ALL away.  Don't keep ANYthing.  I don't care if you have 10 pets.  You don't need any reminders.

If you don't want to mail it back to him, then PLEASE take the pet stuff to a charity.

And the bolded:  You have your answer right there.  

HE NEVER INTRODUCED YOU TO HIS FRIENDS.

That's huge.

[Jaunty]

Dear  Alex, you  have every right to feel very proud of yourself, you have accessed some of you inner strength, please hold onto it.  

There is no point in beating yourself up.  Please don't.

If there were one thing you were to take from this to help you in the future it would be this:  If a relationship is on a good footing, you will NEVER have to do all the work that you did with this guy.

In the future,  find it within yourself to allow some space for the man to come to you OR to go away, all of his own accord.   If you find yourself again with somebody whose car trouble, or a more fun option, stomach ache or ANYTHING gets in the way of a plan with you - I'm NOT saying to dump / delete /block.  I am not about that.  But, step back and observe how he chooses to deal with it. 

THAT is going to be key.  Depending upon how he deals (or does not) as well as if it proves to be a pattern - then comes the time for you to move on.    

  

 

 

[boltnrun]

The relationships where it was clear the guy was really into me? He made most of the effort to see me. The relationships where I did almost all of the driving and made all of the effort? Yeah, the guys weren't that into me. They accepted the effort and the sex but never did anything to show they really wanted to be with me. And yes, I met their families and friends. But it was obvious I was just a temporary placeholder. Everyone knew it but me...or rather, I knew but didn't want to accept it. Being "nice and kind" didn't make them love me. I ended up unceremoniously dumped, both times. 

Don't ever be so anxious to have a boyfriend that you put yourself in this position. You don't have to do this. 

[Alex39]

5 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I'm so glad you blocked him!! good job! you can be proud of yourself! 

Now, I don't mean to keep the conversation going, and it's ok if you don't want to answer this: But how do you analyse the fact that he never introduced you to his friends during a 6 month relationship? 

Wait, I did meet two of his friends. I completely forgot. We went out and I met his friends from work multiple times out at a bar. And I met one of his best friends one time when he randomly stopped by. So I was mistaken about that. 

 

I know he had issues with a couple of his friends. They didn't agree with him rushing into his marriage and they wouldn't even attend his wedding. I guess they fell out for a few years until he got divorced. 

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

Wait, I did meet two of his friends. I completely forgot. We went out and I met his friends from work multiple times out at a bar. And I met one of his best friends one time when he randomly stopped by. So I was mistaken about that.

In your posts you gave the  impression that it was either his buddies, or you.   Also he "disinvited" you from events where you were planning on meeting his friends and their partners on at least 2 occasions I believe.

More of the type of thing where you would have been wise to just say, "that's fine, have a good time" and then never reach out or ask him to reschedule.   Those are the situations where I think he was trying for the "slow fade" but you wouldn't allow it.  

 

[Tinydance]

15 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

This...

In my experience, some men would try to keep in touch after a breakup for one main reason: Their ego. You all tell me if I'm wrong, but they want to be chased even if they don't want a relationship. They want to feel they are above you, they want you to beg them to come back or pursuing them. They leave the door open for you to do that. And I think thats what he is doing. It often happens with narcissist people. Also the way he unfollowed you but let you see his posts on social media, this speaks a lot: He wants you to see him going on with his life and feeling bad about the breakup... Why would he do that? In my opinion its to make you weak, so that if someday he needs nothing out of you, he can reach out and you will accept... Especially thinking about a FWB relationship or asking you to take care of his pets or even ask you for money... Once you are weak, he can take advantage of you. 

The way he treats you is really unhealthy. I highly suggest you block him NOW. Don't take the risk to fall in one of his traps... Haven't you heard of these breakups where both would still keep in touch and somehow one would take advantage of the other, turn things into a situationship that can last for years until he decides to drop you again... He didn't come get his stuff, so now he still has a pretext to reach out to you. Don't allow him to do that please. Just send him back his keys, get rid of the petting supplies and block him/unfollow him without warning, you don't need to explain yourself.

You didn't answer about him introducing you to his best friends, so aI assume he didn't...See, a man can introduce you to his parents (thats easy to do when you are someone unstable and want to show you are doing great in front of your parents...) even coworkers,  maybe he told them you are just a gril he is hanging around with: not relevant. But if he keeps you a secret from his best friends, the people he likes the most, ouch, that's a real problem. He doesn't want them to see you, he's keeping you a secret. I would really appreciate if you could answer this question, I mean this guy is a phenomenon... 😁

Some ex's also keep in touch so they can boot call you to have sex lol

[Tinydance]

Hey Alex! I didn't read any of your other posts because I hadn't been on the forum that much lately. And I suppose if they were removed then I can't see them anymore. So based on that I don't know the whole situation. 

I think it's normal to want a relationship and to have a family and someone to love. I agree with the other posters though that you seem too fixated on seeing every guy you date through a "future husband" lens. I know it's hard when you really like someone but early dating is more so seeing if you're compatible with someone.

Unfortunately sometimes the other person won't feel the same way as you. I know in that sense it's very hard to find someone because everything has to align. They have to really like you and you have to really like them. It has to be mutual. I think in this case sadly this guy wasn't actually as into you as you were into them.

I didn't read the other posts but it sounds like he was showing signs of that early on. I think you need to pay attention to the signs and try to accept the reality, as hard as that might be. If a guy is flaking on you all the time then what's the point in telling yourself he's actually in love with you and everything is great? It does have to be a two way street. So why pressure someone to be into you if they're not doing it on their own?

[Jaunty]

Regarding the "FUTURE HUSBAND" lens:

Dating with a goal of marriage and family is not wrong.  Not at all.   When, however, the person you're dating shows characteristics that would be deleterious in a husband, or shows clear signs that he's not ready or inclined to be YOUR husband anytime soon, you need to take heed.  Really, cut your losses and MOVE ON. 

That's what the "FUTURE HUSBAND" lens is for.  To help you discern the good prospects from the poor ones.

NOT to make any guy you happen to be dating who is not abusive magically appear to be "husband material" for you. 

Think of all the wasted  time, heartache and self - doubt you can spare yourself if you will just be prepared to do this.

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

How are you @Alex39? Everything ok? 

[LootieTootie]

Alex, I'm so proud of you and happy you have chosen to close this chapter in your life. You know what they say? When one door closes, one door opens. It's very true, even if it this moment you don't feel it.

I understand where your head is at when it comes to life at your age. When I turned 30, things just looked different for me too. Everyone in my age group was married, having a kid, or engaged. I never cared for kids but sure, I still wanted a forever someone. After a tumultuous 3 year on and off relationship, I realized the people in my life- people I love and care about - have always gave me bad advice about relationships. Some even told me to stick with a bad relationship or change this and that to make a guy happy. I don't know what happened, maybe just exhaustion from relationships but after I turned 30, I stopped talking to friends and I stopped talking to family (sisters and parents). At first, I cried thinking "Oh they probably feel more sorry for me." Then it got easier and I stopped feeling sorry for myself and then I stopped caring what they thought about me. I worked nonstop to distract myself. Even working with some catty coworkers - I put on my headphones and ignore people and work and then go to the gym thinking about work. I didnt care what people thought of me any more. All I care about was work of course, but "who's taking care of me? Me. Who's going to make me happy? Me. Whose worthy of me? Me."

Then I met a great guy when I turned 31. This was the real test ....if all that healing and self-talk had worked. I waited 3 months for this guy to see if he wanted to be exclusive, hoping that once we were exclusive I would be a priority. Well, that never came. So I blocked him and it was easier than ever, because in the past it was always hard for me to do when I really like or had like a guy.

Once I blocked him, I met my husband. Door closes, door opens. My journey to find forever love was having to go thru a decade of bad relationships, bad advices from loved ones then ignoring those loved ones to listen to my own voice, ignoring petty things and toxic people in my life in order to love myself so once I felt my own love for me, I knew my time was too precious to entertain just anyone. You had to be worthy of me. 

So what I am saying comes down to this. PLEASE be kind to yourself. Just because you see people all around you with someone, doesn't meant these people are happy. Not everyone in relationships are happy and you don't want to end up like that. If you get antsy with finding love, tell yourself that its okay to pace yourself to find Mr. Right for you. Once that right person comes in to your life, it's easy. There's no pulling hair or pulling teeth to get them to see you in the same light as you see them, and for them to treat you good like how you treat them good.

You're on this journey right now so enjoy it, listen to yourself, talk to yourself, temper yourself, and once you learn to love yourself, you will not be settling for breadcrumbs any more. Also, it makes you more attractive to the potential mates out there!

[Batya33]

To add to what Lootie wrote - amazing !- not only is it easy because you’re not pulling teeth it’s easy because it’s comfortable. He may not put you on a pedestal , treat you like a princess , be in touch 24/7. Because that’s not real life.  That’s not comfortable. It’s exciting at first but it’s not comfortable. It’s uncomfortable to be high up on a pedestal (I mean especially for me as I’m such a klutz I’d fall off un femininely for sure ) and it’s also uncomfortable because deep down you know it’s not the long term. So much better to quickly see excitement of the right and lasting kind. The excitement of clicking. Of passion that feels real and right not just the high of newness. You won’t feel anxious during a more even keeled comfortable level of passion. Because you’ll know it’s the lasting kind. And fueled by getting to know each other authentically. Which you can’t do with someone constantly flaking on you. For example. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Alex, can you give us an update?   Did he pick up his stuff? 

We haven't heard from you and my wheels are spinning...

Hope you're okay.  

 

[Alex39]

Hello, I am so sorry. I have been preoccupied with some family issues. He never came to pick up his stuff and I've never heard from him again. I havent reached out again and dont plan to.

I'm actually feeling okay about it all. At times, I even feel relief and happiness over not being with someone like that. I see that I wasn't treated as I deserve. I feel I am moving on and not longing for that relationship in any way. I don't miss him, I don't love him, I love myself more. I don't think about what if's or feel sad not being with him. 

At times, I feel some sadness. Sadness over being treated so poorly at the end of our relationship. It makes me think his "love" and "caring" wasn't all that deep or dedicated and wasn't ever.  That makes me sad. Makes me sad, that I'll be spending the upcoming holidays alone. I was really excited about that. I love holiday spirit and decorations and fun. Would have been nice to have someone. Hard to think about being single for yet another new years midnight. 

But I don't miss him. I feel content the breakup was best for me. 

I am feeling sad and hopeless about meeting quality men. I don't even know where to look. I am just getting older and older. I'm almost 32. It's getting harder and harder to meet someone. I feel like I will mess it up again. Every relationship,  I end up becoming extremely passive, complacent, ignorant. I almost feel like I can't help it. I look back and see it. But it creeps up on me whilst in the relationship and I don't see it then. I feel like this is just my personality. I'm someone that at times is confident and smart. I'm intellectual at work and stuff. But in life I'm naive, too sweet, and easily swayed. I feel like this is my personality and I don't know how to change. I want to meet a great guy. I don't even know where to start. 

 

I started going back to therapy again to try and get help. And this is the best therapist I've ever met, for some background. But this time, her advice was to "gain back my power" and "get comfortable with confrontation" she suggested I text my ex letting him know very clearly and factually how his actions have made me feel and how that is not acceptable behavior towards me.  I told her I didn't like this idea and felt it looked really desperate and crazy to reach out to him after he bailed on coming to get his stuff. Makes it look like I can't take a hint. My therapist disagreed, and said she thinks if I go into it with no expectations of him answering back then it'll give me closure and power. 

 

I didn't agree and do not plan on reaching out to my ex ever again. 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 I didn't agree and do not plan on reaching out to my ex ever again. 

Good call. Please find a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Unfortunately that horrible advice makes it sound like you're a jilted psycho.  If you want to journal your thoughts, fine. But the relationship is over.

Don't bother contacting him or telling him off. The time to tell him off was in the very beginning when he kept standing you up. Dumping on him for your mistakes makes no sense. 

[Alex39]

Thanks to everyone who invested time into reading and posting on this. You guys really did build me up too. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

it creeps up on me whilst in the relationship and I don't see it then. I feel like this is just my personality. I'm someone that at times is confident and smart. I'm intellectual at work and stuff. But in life I'm naive, too sweet, and easily swayed. I feel like this is my personality and I don't know how to change.

Alex, in your numerous threads it was pointed out to you multiple times.  This guy was so obviously not at all into this relationship.  He was passive, dismissive, inconsiderate of you and your time.  He prioritized everything in the world except for you.  You took a few tiny crumbs he tossed you and tried to convince yourself it meant he was in love with you and would eventually marry you.  But Alex...would YOU be as casual and dismissive of someone you're in love with?  If not, why didn't you see how disinterested he was?

You seem to be excellent at burying your head in the sand and willfully ignoring anything that doesn't fall into the narrative you want.  And THAT is why you haven't met the right guy yet.  You're too busy wasting your time with the obviously wrong ones.

I hope this sinks in.  YOU can make changes.  But YOU have to make them.  The right guy isn't going to just fall into your lap.  You have to be willing to meet him.  And you have to be willing to toss back the bad fish instead of putting your hands over your ears and desperately hoping the turd will magically turn into a diamond. 

And BTW, I agree.  That therapist is terrible.  That is close to the worst advice I've ever heard of.  How exactly does she think your ex would respond to an attack like that?  Apologetic, contrite, begging you for another chance?  Or that he'd "change"?  Sorry, but she's a 🦆

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

Every relationship,  I end up becoming extremely passive, complacent, ignorant. I almost feel like I can't help it. I look back and see it. But it creeps up on me whilst in the relationship and I don't see it then.

???  Alex,  you shared so many examples of him acting like you and the relationship were very low priority to him, starting at the very beginning.  The people here engaged with you about it over and over again.   

It was in your face, you wrote about it, you discussed. 

It is not true that it "crept up on you" and you didn't see it.

What do you think about this?

 

[Jaunty]

x

[Alex39]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Alex, in your numerous threads it was pointed out to you multiple times.  This guy was so obviously not at all into this relationship.  He was passive, dismissive, inconsiderate of you and your time.  He prioritized everything in the world except for you.  You took a few tiny crumbs he tossed you and tried to convince yourself it meant he was in love with you and would eventually marry you.  But Alex...would YOU be as casual and dismissive of someone you're in love with?  If not, why didn't you see how disinterested he was?

You seem to be excellent at burying your head in the sand and willfully ignoring anything that doesn't fall into the narrative you want.  And THAT is why you haven't met the right guy yet.  You're too busy wasting your time with the obviously wrong ones.

I hope this sinks in.  YOU can make changes.  But YOU have to make them.  The right guy isn't going to just fall into your lap.  You have to be willing to meet him.  And you have to be willing to toss back the bad fish instead of putting your hands over your ears and desperately hoping the turd will magically turn into a diamond. 

And BTW, I agree.  That therapist is terrible.  That is close to the worst advice I've ever heard of.  How exactly does she think your ex would respond to an attack like that?  Apologetic, contrite, begging you for another chance?  Or that he'd "change"?  Sorry, but she's a 🦆

I agree. And, it honestly shocked me about my therapist. She had been extremely helpful in the past with my family issues. She knows me well. But I explained the whole situation to her, and reaching out to him was the last thing I planned on doing. 

I think she saw it as an exercise for me to tell a man my true thoughts and confront someone, something I've struggled with. But I felt this was not the time after he made it clear he did not want to see me. I do not plan on reaching out. I'm glad I didn't listen to her. 

[Alex39]

I see what you are saying. I did see red flags. And I ignored them. I thought we hit it off, and we did. Then I remember after date 2, he pulled back for like two weeks. I chased him into the third and fourth date and by date 5 we ended up in a relationship. But he willingly entered it too. He was very hot then cold all the time. Taking me to meet his dad, but then continually saying- we aren't ready for that, it's too early for that, we haven't been together long enough, etc. Red flags galore, but I tried to respect him and his boundaries. And I wasn't asking to go fast. I wasn't asking for a rushed thing or pushing him. I was asking about- hey want to exchange Christmas gifts this year? 

Not a ridiculous or rushed thing, especially after 6 months of dating. He was the issue, but I allowed the issue to keep being the issue to me. I let him set the terms for the whole relationship.  That's why my therapist wanted me to take my power back. She said that she felt the way I was talking that I was still letting him set the terms even in our breakup. She wants to break me out of that habit in future relationships. So I do see what she was trying to do. But to me, my power was me walking away and never looking back. She said she thinks I'm just running. 

[Jaunty]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Not a ridiculous or rushed thing, especially after 6 months of dating.

The problem with it was that you had to force the whole thing to get to the 6 month mark.  

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He was the issue, but I allowed the issue to keep being the issue to me. I let him set the terms for the whole relationship. 

Not according to your posts.  You were your own issue because you chased a man who showed you from the start that he didn't really want to progress.  

You know, you don't have to follow all these dumb tips about how a guy has to "prove" he likes you by paying for your dates or chasing you around.  Not at all.  And there is certainly nothing wrong with showing a man that you're interested, or asking a man out. 

But once you've done that, you're throwing yourself under a bus if you just keep dragging him along and refuse to give any space for HIM to come to you.  Which is what you did, and how you got your heart hurt.

 

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

 

That's why my therapist wanted me to take my power back. She said that she felt the way I was talking that I was still letting him set the terms even in our breakup.

Well ... there is nothing wrong with a person who wants to break up "setting the terms."  Breaking up is not supposed to be a mutual decision.  Sure it's easier if it is, but if one person wants out, the whole deal is off - as it should be.  

You chased him the whole time as you *sort of* acknowledge.  This blasting at him after he's already gone would be chasing him further.

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

She wants to break me out of that habit in future relationships.

I have a sense that this therapist did not get the same version of your relationship that we have gotten here.  

 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I think she saw it as an exercise for me to tell a man my true thoughts and confront someone, something I've struggled with. 

The time to do this "exercise" is in the very beginning. Not by confrontation, postmortem analysis and blaming him for your actions, but by observing red flags and deciding not to be a doormat from the start. 

[Batya33]

59 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The time to do this "exercise" is in the very beginning. Not by confrontation, postmortem analysis and blaming him for your actions, but by observing red flags and deciding not to be a doormat from the start. 

Great point.  Alex I agree with your plan not to contact him at all.  Sure if writing something will help get it out -write it-don't send it.  

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Great point.  Alex I agree with your plan not to contact him at all.  Sure if writing something will help get it out -write it-don't send it.  

Honestly I never told her or discussed that writing it would help either. I told her I was content with just ignoring him and moving on. I didn't even feel I needed that closure. My anger at him from the lowest disrespect he showed me easily made me okay with it all. 

 

I am busy now. Working, with the holidays, maybe she's thinking I'll crash with depression once I have nothing to distract me. Maybe, I don't know. 

[boltnrun]

You could talk to a therapist about how you want to stop being so anxious to "get a boyfriend" and instead focus on meeting and dating men who are not only decent but who are legitimately interested in a relationship with you. 

Stop with the "I'm 32 and all of my friends are married!!" and instead think "I'm a 32 year old woman of value. I want to meet the right man for me."