I (24F) love my boyfriend (26M) but we are on different timelines

[GreenWatermelon]

I (24F) love my boyfriend (26M) but we are on different timelines

I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now and we are very loving of each other. We are completely honest and supportive of each other, and we rarely fight if ever. It’s like we never had a honeymoon period because we never went downhill.

However recently we’ve been talking more about our life plans. My boyfriend wants to be married and have kids when his 28 (in 2 years) but I am not ready for this. I’m going through some career changes and don’t think I am anywhere close to wanting or having the mental headspace and care at the level that I want to give my child.

I do eventually want to have kids but I don’t know when. My boyfriend says he can wait an extra 1-2 years which I’m very grateful for but I also feel very pressured by this deadline (even in 4 years I would only be 28 and I’m not 100% sure I’ll be ready then). I can also tell this 1-2 year delay is definitely not ideal for him…

I’ve been thinking that if he really wants to hig his 28 yo timeline I probably should stop wasting his time so he can find another partner with more similar views but it pains me because I really do love him. Has anyone been through the same dilemma?

[Wiseman2]

On 11/6/2023 at 12:17 AM, GreenWatermelon said:

. My boyfriend wants to be married and have kids when his 28 (in 2 years) but I am not ready for this. I’m going through some career changes and don’t think I am anywhere close to wanting or having the mental headspace and care at the level that I want to give my child.

Sorry this is happening. Are you both working full time and financially stable? Do you live together or with family, roommates or alone?  Why does he need to tie you down this soon? 

What exactly is his rush? He seems to be putting the cart before the horse if you are not both financially independent, planning on marrying and capable of financing a place to live as well as decisions about childcare, etc. 

Ask him when he wants to get married and buy a house. Perhaps that will wake him up to the reality. 

[Kwothe28]

On 11/6/2023 at 6:17 AM, GreenWatermelon said:

I’ve been thinking that if he really wants to hig his 28 yo timeline I probably should stop wasting his time so he can find another partner with more similar views

Most probably yes. You seem "career oriented". While your boyfriend is "family oriented". Those two dont go nicely together. Especially when woman is the one "career oriented". From obvious reasons. He most probably wont wait for you until you accomplish professionaly in your 30s. So yes, you both deserve a partners who would more be aligned with your goals. He somebody who is willing to honor his timeline. And you somebody who would be willing to wait for you until you succeed professionaly and maybe want a family. 

[smackie9]

 I was faced with my ex wanting kids. I never did...he begged. It was hard but I ended it. I say move on girl. 

[Deejmonster]

On 11/6/2023 at 12:17 AM, GreenWatermelon said:

I (24F) love my boyfriend (26M) but we are on different timelines

I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now and we are very loving of each other. We are completely honest and supportive of each other, and we rarely fight if ever. It’s like we never had a honeymoon period because we never went downhill.

However recently we’ve been talking more about our life plans. My boyfriend wants to be married and have kids when his 28 (in 2 years) but I am not ready for this. I’m going through some career changes and don’t think I am anywhere close to wanting or having the mental headspace and care at the level that I want to give my child.

I do eventually want to have kids but I don’t know when. My boyfriend says he can wait an extra 1-2 years which I’m very grateful for but I also feel very pressured by this deadline (even in 4 years I would only be 28 and I’m not 100% sure I’ll be ready then). I can also tell this 1-2 year delay is definitely not ideal for him…

I’ve been thinking that if he really wants to hig his 28 yo timeline I probably should stop wasting his time so he can find another partner with more similar views but it pains me because I really do love him. Has anyone been through the same dilemma?

I think that this warrants a serious conversation between the two of you. Maybe ask him why he has a drop dead date in mind for wanting to have children? Like why the pressure? My wife and I were in our early 30's before we had our daughter, and when I was younger, I thought I was ready, but I am so happy that I waited. The additional years allowed me to mature, advance my career, and lay the path to parenthood. I look back and have no regrets in waiting. 

Unfortunately this is the type of discussion that can either cement a relationship or tear it apart, and it is worth having.  To me, I would never put a "date" on having children. It is more that I need to be emotionally, financially and mentally ready to take on that role. If both partners are not on the same page, then it isn't the right time. Maybe it is just a goal of his, but if it is really a loving relationship, he should see your side of things. I think you two need to talk it out to see just how serious it is. Like I said, putting an expiration date on starting a family is kind of a red flag if you both aren't on the same page.

[rainbowsandroses]

Interesting thread and imagine the responses had it been the woman wanting marriage and kids after two YEARS but the man "wasn't ready."

We've heard it all before and the responses varied from the man was stringing her along, to he was "using" her until the woman he DID fall in love with came along.  

Yes let him.go, it's not happening for ya.  Find your path, pursue your career, look for a man who inspires both - you pursuing your career AND marriage and family.

It's about finding balance, hundreds of couples do this every day. 

It does not have to be one or the other. 

[Batya33]

I was extremely career-oriented and also extremely family-oriented - I made both work and I never found my two orientations inconsistent in the least.  That's not the issue here IMO it's simply that a couple has to have similar goals and some goals involve timing.  Like this one - his family goal involves a timeline that is not at all compatible with yours.  When my husband and I started dating again after having been apart after breaking up -for many years -we had to figure out ASAP if our goals aligned.  We both: wanted kids ASAP if we married (we were in our late 30s).  He said I'd have to be willing to relocate for his career and we discussed right then if I had any locations that were dealbreakers (I had a few -he agreed with those).  I had to be willing to relocate if we married and ready at that time, as well.  We agreed I would work as a full time mom for longer than maternity leave.  Again -timing - no I wasn't going to work outside the home, then come back to working within the home.

Those were our major things.  Had we not agreed on all of them we would never have dated because for example I didn't have 1-2 years past marriage to wait before we tried to conceive, he couldn't "wait" for me to be ready to relocate if he got a job opportunity he really wanted in his career.  He wouldn't have wanted me to be working my intense crazy hours I was then working if we had a baby.  There was no leeway as in -ok so until baby is 2 you can work full time and baby will be in daycare/nanny.  He didn't want that, neither did I and he wouldn't have dated a woman who did.

Most men who want to be fathers badly are also career oriented -most men don't want the job of full time parent with few exceptions. They are not asked to choose their 'orientation" - your partner is a hard working person who also wants to be a father within a few years - good for him.  Let him find someone who is over the moon about those plans because if you're not then it's not fair to him or your child.  Especially since you will be the pregnant one.  Pregnancy was awesome for me in the sense I was over the moon about being pregnant -but extremely hard on my body including after birth.

[Andrina]

Only remain with someone who shares the same relationship goals. It's a shame when, if it weren't for those issues, you could continue happily being in a relationship.

But yes, it's better not to invest more time when you two don't match on these major issues. You'd only end up resenting each other--him because you can't give a definitive timeline, and you, because you feel pressured when you're not ready.

For future dating scenarios, establish these things within months of dating so you don't fall in love with someone who isn't compatible with your life goals. Take care.

[catfeeder]

On 11/6/2023 at 12:17 AM, GreenWatermelon said:

I’ve been thinking that if he really wants to hig his 28 yo timeline I probably should stop wasting his time so he can find another partner with more similar views but it pains me because I really do love him.

I'd tell him that I can't meet his timeline, and I'd ask him what he thinks we should do.

[Capricorn3]

1 minute ago, catfeeder said:

I'd tell him that I can't meet his timeline, and I'd ask him what he thinks we should do.

^ I like this idea.  That way he has a full understanding of where you sit on the issue. Ball is in his court as to which direction he wants to go.

[Wiseman2]

On 11/6/2023 at 12:17 AM, GreenWatermelon said:

. My boyfriend wants to be married and have kids when his 28 (in 2 years) but I am not ready for this. 

Is he actually ready for this financially? Does he own a home for example? He's not the one with the biological clock, so stop and reflect why he wants you barefoot and pregnant at 26. Please pursue your educational, professional and financial goals. Marriage at 26/28 is not unusual however starting a family right away seems like too much pressure. 

[boltnrun]

It's not necessary to be a homeowner in order to be a parent. But it's also not fair to either of you to remain in this relationship when you have such different expectations regarding parenthood.