Still hung up on the married doctor...

[Callia]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What happened to your BF?

We broke up.

I know I am annoying a lot of you guys. I'm not trying to do that, but this is an ongoing situation that is stressing me out. It's sort of like this. An alcoholic can know objectively that drinking isn't a good idea and isn't enhancing one's life, but that doesn't mean it's easy to quit!

My long term plan is to move but it isn't in the cards for me to do so at the present time.

[MissCanuck]

It isn't complicated. 

You need to stop entertaining the fantasy that this man will come to you. You need to seek therapy. You are very clearly not in a healthy place mentally, and need some professional guidance to get out of this. 

That's it. 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Callia said:

I know I am annoying a lot of you guys. I'm not trying to do that, but this is an ongoing situation that is stressing me out. It's sort of like this. An alcoholic can know objectively that drinking isn't a good idea and isn't enhancing one's life, but that doesn't mean it's easy to quit!

 

Yes, but alcie also willingly destroys his/her body even though they know they will have a dire consquences on their health and on their psyche. Its the same with you. You broke up your relationship(actually a sensible thing to do, you are hang up on someone else) and are entertaining a fantasy. And say how you need years to get over somebody who you had no relationship. Other then him flirting with you. You dont need years to get over the crush. Especially when the crush is a married man with intentions to sleep with you. If you left a relationship for somebody like that, that means that yes, your own thinking is a mess and that you are in a dire need of therapy.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Callia said:

We broke up.

What happened with your relationship? What was the breakup about? How long were you living together?

Unfortunately your plans to run away from your "boring small town" don't seem viable and unfortunately seem like more escapist daydreaming similar to your imaginary romance with the doctor. 

Please find another primary healthcare provider and get an evaluation for your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

Perhaps with appropriate physical and mental health support you can start to overcome your obsession and get to the root of the issues. Your situation is not unheard of and there's a lot of help you could get:

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/6999163/

 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Callia said:

I definitely wouldn't want that, but I do think he is the one who pursued me and not the other way around. 

So? That doesn't make it right. By the way I lived within a huge city but at age 28 I moved away from where I grew up - 9 miles -to the middle of the city where all the singles were, the social life -commuting the 9 miles by public transportation was an option but it was important to me to meet people to find a husband.  And I wanted to increase my geographic dating pool plus be much closer to my office/work.  I was an adult who did that.  So can you.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Callia said:

My long term plan is to move but it isn't in the cards for me to do so at the present time.

Just saw this - make it happen faster -take a close look at your spending/saving -and cut more -and do more as far as job opportunities in your chosen city.

[Seraphim]

9 hours ago, Callia said:

I definitely wouldn't want that, but I do think he is the one who pursued me and not the other way around. 

Okay, but you are not blameless. You are still wondering how to get with her husband. 

[Jaunty]

9 hours ago, Callia said:

 

 An alcoholic can know objectively that drinking isn't a good idea and isn't enhancing one's life, but that doesn't mean it's easy to quit!

 

I don't understand why you keep defending the situation you have chosen because to do anything different "isn't easy."

Is something being "easy" the only criteria you have for decision making?  

 

[Starlight925]

9 hours ago, Callia said:

An alcoholic can know objectively that drinking isn't a good idea and isn't enhancing one's life, but that doesn't mean it's easy to quit!

My long term plan is to move but it isn't in the cards for me to do so at the present time.

At first I thought the alcoholic analogy was a bad one, but you know what?  You're right.

Both situations harm not only the person drinking (or the one pining over a married man).

Both situations distort reality.  Both situations prove to have longterm dire consequences.  Neither situation has a good outcome.

You are looking for a ride off into the sunset with this douche.  He touches your knees with his knees while you're in his exam room and tells you his personal problems?  Yes, look up the definition of douche.

You want some Hollywood rom-com with Gwyneth Paltrow, where Ryan Gosling takes off his stethoscope, professes his undying love for her, and moves her into his huge-windowed home on the hills.  

When what you have is an emotionally cheating loser douche with a degree who gets his rocks off by touching your knees every 6 months.  IOW, you got nothin'.

[boltnrun]

His wife seems to be getting lost in all of this. Are you hoping she just disappears? 

Do they have children together?

I find it sad that this is what you think love should look like. Or perhaps you're hiding from real life by engaging in this fantasy?

[Jaunty]

@Callia - the reason I, and probably most of the other posters here are coming down hard on you is that you really don't seem to be in touch with the fact that what you are doing is wrong.

You mention that you can't date because of work rules, you talk about how you don't know how to flirt when you're into someone and instead act serious, you are concerned about him "going cold."  

You don't seem to care about the fact that he is married.  I mean ... even if you do not give a a crap, which is evidently the case, you don't even seem to grasp that he's "going cold" or doesn't really push his advances forward BECAUSE HE IS MARRIED.  

Even now, your whole angle is that "it's not easy," combined with external BS like you live in a small town.

This is concerning.  

[Callia]

And just for the record, would you think it's weird that one time he asked me for "a cuddle"? Honestly, I have to ask you guys because I don't know if I'm imagining that he was flirting. Like, is that totally inappropriate or what? And that his wife would NOT be okay with him asking that?

[Wiseman2]

On 11/5/2023 at 12:34 AM, Callia said:

He is my healthcare provider 

When was the last visit? What type of provider is he and what are you being treated for?  How often do you have appointments?  You've rehashed your crush on him and your fantasies about him. However you already know nothing is going to happen. 

[Starlight925]

21 minutes ago, Callia said:

And just for the record, would you think it's weird that one time he asked me for "a cuddle"? 

Weird isn’t the word I would use.
 

Creepy. That’s the word.

[boltnrun]

Do you honestly believe he would ask you for "a cuddle" if his wife is standing right there?

I think you may be pretending to be disingenuous. Of course it's inappropriate for your doctor to ask you for "a cuddle". 

[smackie9]

I tell you this, getting involved with him, in the end will destroy you more than what you are going through now. 

[Seraphim]

Nope, never had a dr ask me for a cuddle. Of course you know it’s wrong. 

[mylolita]

Callia! 
 

I get it! You’re in that almost heady teenage heart flutter stage where, you want to talk about your crush 24/7 to someone like some stream of consciousness and, doing that, discussing their every detail and move and what they said and did, has an exhilarating deliciousness for you! And you feel like you’re working it out, or working through it, or getting in deeper.

 

I get your need to discuss it. As married people, we get crushes too. It’s whether it’s a “ooo they’re a cutie” or “what a gentleman he is! Did he just look at me like that?! What did that mean?” brief type of thing or whether you are seriously pining after this doctor.

 

Maybe you are quite run on emotions and your heart - sometimes, thinking about their negative traits, or the reality of their day to day life, and actually being with them - that fantasy but backwards, is helpful. Imagine being with a hectic professional who goes to work and flirts with his female patients while you are away wondering how his day is going. Focus on him getting really sick, and you having to care for him, having to live with his daily habits, having him turn over in bed because he’s “too tired and it was a hard day at work today”.

 

This might balance or counteract your heady, romantic thinking about him? 
 

You can’t help who you fall in love with, or crush on, but after all, this is a married man, and not a very good married man, if he flirts so openly and seriously with other women!

 

x

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Callia said:

 if I'm imagining that he was flirting. And that his wife would NOT be okay with him asking that?

It seems you're still looking for reasons to convince yourself the crush is mutual.  Please see if you can get treatment for the obsession. 

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, Callia said:

Honestly, I have to ask you guys because I don't know if I'm imagining that he was flirting

Better question to ask: what have you done to help yourself move on from this unhealthy fixation? 

[Capricorn3]

I second all those who recommend professional help for your obsession and unhealthy fixation on this doctor.  You're playing with fire here and no doubt about it, you will get burned. The problem is that it doesn't seem to bother you - hence seek professional help.

[Jaunty]

He sure sounds like a lowlife.

[Batya33]

15 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Nope, never had a dr ask me for a cuddle. Of course you know it’s wrong. 

Also I would report him anonymously to the practice/hospital/professional licensing board -so he can't assault/harass other women.

[mylolita]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Also I would report him anonymously to the practice/hospital/professional licensing board -so he can't assault/harass other women.

I agree! 
 

It’s beyond unprofessional. He’ll be doing it to plenty of other women as well.

 

I think people hold doctors up on a pedestal which, is warranted to some extent; but it does well to remember if they are a creep and a sleaze, it’s the perfect under cover position for them to have an excuse to touch and handle others, often when they are vulnerable and naked as well! 
 

I have heard of doctors that sexually abuse children too, and that they sought out that profession because it is a great alibi that enables them to “innocently” handle children. 
 

I would completely report him and stop the drooling over a sleaze who cheats on his own wife!

 

x

[catfeeder]

Instead of romanticizing the creepy behavior of my doctor as some kind of dedicated interest in me, I’d be disappointed by his lousy professional judgment.

If I’d fantasize about a doctor, he’d be a good one who knows how to deal with patients in a caring way, not an objectifying way. I’d be turned off enough to find a better doctor.

You’re not in the room when he deals with other patients, but it would be clear to me that any married man who could be so casually disloyal to his wife is not exactly a great catch.

If you want to spin yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of in terms of finding yourself a fulfilling social life and a loving relationship with a healthy man, you can do that. Nobody here can stop you. I guess I’d just find it helpful to question why I’d want to do that. What do I get out of it? Is it just a distraction from doing the work required to move beyond a stagnant state of living inside my own head?