Need help forgetting the past

[Eleanorrr]

Hi everyone, I really need some advice from other people if I (f27) should leave my bf (m30) of a year and a half or carry on, as I don’t know if the issues that are lingering are fixable. I don’t talk to anyone about this as I feel stupid and just want to get over it.

When we first starting hanging out and texting it was like an explosion where we both just clicked instantly and both couldn’t believe how in love we both felt. We were obsessed with each other within weeks and it was both a 100% mutual thing that we wanted to be with each other non stop and we didn’t care that we were with each other all the time and said that neither of us had felt like that with anyone in the past. 

Within a week or two he started get quite emotional and tell me how grateful he was for me coming into his life but how he thinks I’m too good for him etc and that he worried I would loose inetrest after a few weeks/months (I think he has some serious abandonment issues due to his dad leaving the family suddenly a few years ago, he’s never felt emotionally supported by his mum or got on with her, and also his ex of 5 years left him 8 months before we started getting together). 

And then it started to get more intense. We would be with each other chilling and he would all of a sudden start spiralling down this rabbit hole of his own thoughts and anxiety worrying if I find him attractive enough, asking about my past with previous men, really quite invasive questions and he displayed a lot of insecurities. He would ask over and over again for me not to leave and said that he was so worried I was going to leave him because he thought I was going to find someone better than him and he would tell me he’s never been with anyone as beautiful as me or fancied anyone as much as me.  I have had my own insecurities in the past and I know how much your mind can take over completely and anxiety can create things in your head that aren’t there and so I would always sympathise a hell of a lot and bend over backwards to make him feel better and to talk through his emotions. I gave him so much time and care with all the stuff he was worrying about. 

Another conversation we had when we first got together was how he doesn’t normally go for girls that look like me (petite, blonde, no tattoos) and that I’m not his typical type (he likes petite brunette/black hair with lots of tattoos) that didn’t really come as a shock that he likes that as his ex was exactly that. But it kind of hurt and upset me a little bit that he needed to tell me that as now I was feeling crap about something I didn’t even know before and probably didn’t need to be said. 

A few weeks into the relationship I start to do a little stalking on his Instagram (you know how it is when you first get into a new relationship) and I came across numerous accounts of girls that are more his type that he follows and I see that he has been continuously liking their pictures since we first got together (by this point we are a month in) and they’re not random influencers they’re people he’s been on dates with previously before me, and people that he knows and sees in real life. I tried to brush it off as nothing but it hurt me that he was doing this right under my nose after i gave so much energy to make him feel better about all of his insecurities, as the stuff he was bringing up about whether I was going to leave him and find someone better was CONTINUOUS. It felt like a kick in the teeth. And I’m not normally one to kick off so much about that sort of thing ( if it’s just a nice picture and he doesn’t just like selfies but also ones of girls with their bfs or just other stuff other than selfies or bikini pics then IDGAF) it’s just the fact they were like half naked in some of them and they’re all selfies. 

A few weeks later I notice that he’s still following his ex on social media but she doesn’t follow him. I bring this up with him and also the picture liking he’s been doing and he is so defensive about it. It gets explosive real quick like I’m not allowed to ask about any of this stuff or allowed to hold him accountable. He didn’t care that he was liking peoples pictures or how it was upsetting me. The argument would always end and there would never be a resolution. I would leave the argument feeling defeated and like he wouldn’t listen or understand where I was coming from at all. He didn’t want to understand how it was making me feel. I cried to him all the time about it and couldn’t help but get upset. It started to consume my thoughts as he wouldn’t stop doing it. This lasted for 3-4 months. I know - how embarrassing of me to stay. But this was so alien from the person he seemed to be when he was with me in person. It’s like he would do this stuff when he was at work or somewhere where I was not there. It was bizarre.

By this point of the months going on and nothing changes, I’ve completely lost myself. I wasn’t 100% myself mentally when we first got together due to a very abusive and toxic relationship I had left a year prior, plus a very emotionally abusive childhood. But before I got with him I was coping perfectly fine, was in a clear head space mentally and was back to my usual happy go lucky self. I wasn’t worrying about anything. But now months into this relationship and still a year and a half later and I didn’t even recognise myself anymore. And I know some people would say ‘it’s just some pictures get over it’ but it was the pictures, combined with the fact he ignored me everytime I brought up or asked why he still followed his ex on socials even though she doesn’t follow him, it was the fact he was constantly paying attention to other girls that are more his type on social media, he never wanted to post anything of us on social media, it was just a constant period of me suffering when I should of left him but I honestly look back now and think what the *** was I doing. I resent him so much for making me feel like that for such a prolonged period of time. And I’m angry at myself for allowing him in to hurt me like that. He only stopped treating me badly because I had a massive breakdown about it at his and said I was leaving for good and started packing my things that I had at his. From that day on he hasn’t done it anymore and unfollowed his ex. Stuff did get better. But since then I’ve been left with this intense gut feeling of not being good enough, going over and over and over in my head as to why he would treat me like that after he was so so into me in person EVERYDAY (not just sexually but emotionally displayed how much he was falling in love with me and how he had never felt like this before) and after I was so kind to him and never did anything to deserve it. And I’ve literally had to beg him to post me on social media. It was a whole year after we started dating that he finally posts something. And he only did that because I told him that because of all the stuff he did at the start of the relationship and how the trust was completely broken that if he didn’t post something of me for our anniversary then I was leaving for good because I couldn’t take the constant paranoia of something going on behind my back and the betrayal. I was worrying that he was secretly replying to girls Insta stories that I wouldn’t be able to see, or talking to other girls. I was hurting so much by this point I felt like I had wasted a year of my life trying to make his guy see how much and understand how much this all made me feel.  AND LET ME TELL YOU- I AM NOT THE TYPE OF GIRL TO CARE ABOUT MY BF POSTING ME ON SOCIALS!! This relationship has completely changed me for the worst and I don’t know how to get back to my carefree self. He posted stuff with his mates whenever they would hang out, so it was like well why the *** not me? You want to spend every day with me, loving me behind closed doors but you don’t want me on your socials? Why? I knew all of his mates knew about me and I had met some of them so it’s not like I was a secret in any way at all as we live somewhere where everyone knows everyone so it just didn’t make any sense.

The reason I hold on is because I do feel a genuine connection between us, and I always have done from day one. Hes never stopped loving me any less than he said he did at the start and we still have the same connection. We are so so close and care for each other so deeply. He opens up to me very deeply also and has cried to me many times. It’s not fake it’s genuine, you can tell. I’m a good judge of character and I haven’t doubted once that he feels the same in that aspect. It’s obvious we love each other and that he loves me. That’s why this is all such a head***. He has apologised countless times as I haven’t held back on telling him exactly how he made me feel at that time. It was a horrible period for me and I still can’t get over it or make sense of it in my head without the answer being something that I don’t want to face - stuff like this -

-Maybe I’m just a ‘she’ll do for now’

-Maybe I’m just a replacement for his ex 

-Maybe he’s still not over his ex and that’s why he didn’t care about how he was making me feel and was continuing to ‘play the field’

-Maybe he doesn’t even fancy me that much and that I’m just someone he feels an emotional connection to 

-Maybe he was holding out for someone more his type than me 

-maybe he just didn’t give a ***.

A bit more context also, after doing some digging I can see that he was also liking girls selfies continuously through his previous relationship, so at least it wasn’t just me he was doing it to. And I know that some girls don’t look to see what they’re bf is doing on social media so maybe she wasn’t aware, and I know that some girls don’t care or get upset about it. Maybe she held back on saying something for so long and knew he was doing it the whole time until she just had enough and left one day. I’m not sure of the exact reason they broke up other than the fact she left him after going on a night out and then got with a guy from the night out she was on a few weeks later and is still with him to this day. I’m sure it was a mixture of things combined. 

And you might think ‘oh well he didn’t physically cheat’ I know this. It’s about the fact he was happy to watch me suffer and be so hurt by his actions over and over again for such a prolonged amount of time even though he was saying I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and the connection we both felt. It is the most confusing feeling because I still don’t really understand any of it and the trust is broken because of how happy he was to carry on doing something that was hurting me so so much. I really fell for him as a person and saw all the good in him. I still do. But this just shrouds me 24/7. I don’t know if I’ve developed some sort of other mental issue from this now or maybe it’s combined from my previous ex. My ex betrayed me in such an awful way (not cheating) but it ***ed me up. The relationship was only 6 months long and I got out before it got worse, but maybe that’s also why I’m suffering so badly from this current relationship situation and have paranoia still. It’s on my mind from the second I wake up until I go to bed. It’s like my brain has created some sort of loop I am stuck on mentally and can’t escape even though some days I feel like I am over it. It’s like I HAVE to check his socials all the time secretly most days still even though he hasn’t done it for over a year. I obsess over the girls he was liking. I wish I could stop 😞

I’m desperate for this to go away without us having to break up ) I just want to trust him. It’s like it was broken from the start. I wish I left as soon as he showed he wasn’t going to stop his behaviour as it was so harmful and detrimental to my mental health. And then I wish we could have started again when he we ready to grow up and stop all the nonsense. As I feel I can’t enjoy what he had at the beginning of our relationship as it was such a *** show and it just hurts. And I know you might say well why don’t you do that now. But after investing so much time and energy into this for the past 18 months I feel as though I can’t. It doesn’t feel right. We are happy as a couple now and love spending every day together still (of course we have our own lives and work etc) but that’s how we’ve always been. I do forgive him for how he made me feel and how this continues to make me feel, but I can’t forget it. It’s just so hard. We love each other so much and he treats me with so much respect now as far as I’m aware but it’s my own issues that can’t let me go from these thoughts. I bottle it up most days as I don’t want to keep bringing stuff up that’s done with. But then I just explode randomly. I wish I could afford therapy 😞 i just want old me back. I was so much fun and had not a care in the world with so much confidence and loved how I looked. I feel a shell of who I was before my current bf and previous ex. 

 

 

[Batya33]

I think the clue is from the beginning -"obsessed with each other" within weeks is not healthy.  Both of you were obsessed with the idea of each other because of course you barely knew each other nor had you known each other over a period of several months -because real life stuff doesn't happen in a few weeks -so you were seeing what you wished to see.

It is obnoxious for him to tell you what his typical type is in the way he did.

It's fine that he follows girls on SM and stays in touch with his ex.  But it's not fine -for you - it's no fine for you in a romantic committed relationship.  It's not compatible with your values and standards.  For some women it would have been a total turn on -who knows, who cares.  All that matters is it wasn't fine for you -when you told him he got angry and now you're hanging on your "connection" but a "connection" isn't enough for a long term romantic committed relationship.

You can't force yourself to trust him. You're "exploding randomly" because you're lying to yourself so after awhile your body reacts.  I have been there in analogous situations and I finally listened to my body and gut and avoided making huge mistakes that likely would have ended in divorce.  I get that 18 months is a long time and I get the "connection" but do the right thing for yourself and let him find someone who is either ok with his recent -past-behavior and/or who is able to trust again and let it go -likely because it just wasn't a big deal.  It's a big deal to you.  That's what your body is telling you.  You don't need therapy to tell you that you are good enough - you know you are good enough but you don't trust him and that is why you keep checking and monitoring.

If you said you overreacted -meaning for example you were driving around and he said casually "my ex used to live there" and then you interrogated him and stalked her online etc - fine - there are examples where it's "on you" - but this person is acting in ways - and fairly early on in your relationship -that are inconsistent with being loyal and committed and making you a priority IMO. 

[Jaunty]

I'm sorry you got hurt.  This guy is a mess and not relationship material.  And, the two of you are a toxic combo, bringing out each other's deep seated insecurities.  It could never be healthy.

All this ruminating  you're doing will do no good; it will change nothing.   

You probably would benefit from seeking some counseling to deal with some things from your past that you are carrying forward with you; they will crop up with anyone, probably.  This guy just happened to be the master trigger.

 

[Eleanorrr]

@Batya33 You’re right, it was silly to jump in so soon how we did. It’s so unlike me as I’m absolutely fine with being single and have a great time lol. And you’re absolutely right it is right that he should be allowed to follow who he wants etc, but because of how rubbish he made me feel out of respect I just asked him to stop liking the photos. As he knew I was seeing this stuff and how much it hurt. The only reason I cared about him following his ex is because she didnt follow him back, so it just looked like he wasn’t over her and clinging onto someone who no longer cared about him. It just embarrassed me a bit I guess. On top of all the picture liking. It’s such a petty situation that could have been avoided if he just took my accountability and stopped from when I first mentioned it was upsetting me. 

thanks for getting back to me and understanding. I’m absolutely not one of these crazy girls that goes stalking for no reason lol I have only been upset about reasonable things 

I think I’ve answered my own question as I thought to myself earlier if I was told I was going to be put back to the start of this relationship would you go through all that again to get to where we are now. And the answer is no I don’t think I would do it all again even though we are fine now. I couldn’t put self through it again which tells me it’s not worth it. I just want to feel 100% confident that the person I’m with doesn’t want anyone else but me it sucks 

[Jaunty]

If you find yourself in the future in a dating situation where you are immediately both "obsessed" and completely consumed with each other, do not buy into those feelings.

I'm not saying you need to just walk away if you feel them, but do not let that whole emotional tsunami inform how you proceed.  

Feelings are not facts; you still don't know the person, and also such infatuation is not sustainable and you hadn't built any real foundation.

So force yourself to pace yourself and have boundaries in early stages of dating and, in fact, throughout all times in any relationship.

[Batya33]

49 minutes ago, Eleanorrr said:

It’s such a petty situation that could have been avoided if he just took my accountability and stopped from when I first mentioned it was upsetting me. 

To me petty is "please stop eating the last of the cheesecake without asking me, k?" This showed both of you that you have different standards of loyalty in a relationship and appropriate behavior.  I had a second or third date with a really handsome guy who told me he used to frequent strip clubs when he was in sales field, and to him getting a lap dance is not sexual.

That's when I knew we didn't have compatible values.  Not petty.

[catfeeder]

Even if you skip all the online stuff, the guy would have lost me way before that with all the clingy "don't leave me" emotional blackmail stuff. You can't get more manipulative than that.

I would have told him, "While I adore you, I can't predict the future and I'm not a therapist. You obviously have a lot of unfinished business to resolve, so I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. You get to take all the time you need to work that stuff out, hopefully with a professional, and if you ever find yourself feeling healed and able to pursue a relationship without guarantees, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up."

The rest would have been avoided because I don't WANT to involve myself in a mess, especially one that makes me feel lousy. My private rule about relationships is, we either lift one another UP, or we don't interact.

I hope you'll move forward to find someone with whom a 'trauma bond' is not your primary attraction, and you'll find the peaceful and secure love you deserve.

[Wonderstruck]

2 hours ago, Eleanorrr said:

And I know some people would say ‘it’s just some pictures get over it’

Anyone who says that is a scumbag.

I've noticed that there's a new, insidious mentality towards women who aren't comfortable with their boyfriends/husbands liking pictures of random women on Social Media - both men AND women will try to guilt-trip them into believing that they're being "high-maintenance" or "controlling".

Some men do this because they engage in that behaviour themselves, and they want it to be normalized as acceptable.

Some women do this because they want to be seen as "low-maintenance" and "a cool girl who's not like the other girls", which is embarrassing.

You have every right to be disgusted by his behaviour, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

2 hours ago, Eleanorrr said:

And you might think ‘oh well he didn’t physically cheat’ I know this. It’s about the fact he was happy to watch me suffer and be so hurt by his actions over and over again for such a prolonged amount of time

 

2 hours ago, Eleanorrr said:

He didn’t care that he was liking peoples pictures or how it was upsetting me. The argument would always end and there would never be a resolution. I would leave the argument feeling defeated and like he wouldn’t listen or understand where I was coming from at all. He didn’t want to understand how it was making me feel.

And this is EXACTLY why you need to leave him.

Because you've already TRIED to talk to him REPEATEDLY about how his actions made you feel, and you left every conversation feeling defeated and miserable.

Because he doesn't actually care. He doesn't feel ANY remorse for his actions, and he's not going to stop.

The only way to get back to your "happy, carefree" self is to take this trash to the curb. You'll feel so much happier, lighter, and more carefree once you do, I promise.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Eleanorrr said:

I wasn’t 100% myself mentally when we first got together due to a very abusive and toxic relationship I had left a year prior, plus a very emotionally abusive childhood.

Hi @Eleanorrr, have you received professional help due to these experiences?  Because from my reading, your relationship with this person is also abusive - mentally and emotionally.

We tend to repeat unhealthy patterns and behaviors AND choices until we seek help understanding and resolving. 

Your relationship is an addiction of sorts, no different from a drug addiction, HE is your drug of choice. 

My advice is cold turkey it's the only way.  18 months is not long in the grand scheme, I went cold turkey from a toxic relationship after 6 YEARS, best decision I ever made or one of the best. 

I wish you luck as it WILL be difficult.  But necessary.

Be strong, you can do it, I know you can.  

Take care. 

 

 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Eleanorrr said:

Within a week or two he started get quite emotional and tell me how grateful he was for me coming into his life but how he thinks I’m too good for him etc and that he worried I would loose inetrest after a few weeks/months

Projection. He knows what he was doing when your head was turned, and he didn't want you behaving the way he did. 

2 hours ago, Eleanorrr said:

 I have had my own insecurities in the past and I know how much your mind can take over completely and anxiety can create things in your head that aren’t there and so I would always sympathise a hell of a lot and bend over backwards to make him feel better and to talk through his emotions.

You bought his manipulation tactic hook, line and sinker here. 

This isn't about his so-called. insecurity. It's about toying with your feelings to keep you under his thumb, so to speak. And it worked like a charm. He made you think you were soothing his fear and anxiety, when all that was really happening was him getting you right where he wanted you - pandering to him. 

Honey, it's time to get out of this relationship. It's so unhealthy for you. Find a man who doesn't play these games and doesn't love-bomb you into thinking he's Mr Amazing when he's really Mr Potato Head. 

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, Eleanorrr said:

Within a week or two he started get quite emotional and tell me how grateful he was for me coming into his life but how he thinks I’m too good for him etc and that he worried I would lose interest after a few weeks/months (I think he has some serious abandonment issues due to his dad leaving the family suddenly a few years ago, he’s never felt emotionally supported by his mum or got on with her, and also his ex of 5 years left him 8 months before we started getting together). 

And then it started to get more intense. We would be with each other chilling and he would all of a sudden start spiralling down this rabbit hole of his own thoughts and anxiety worrying if I find him attractive enough, asking about my past with previous men, really quite invasive questions and he displayed a lot of insecurities. He would ask over and over again for me not to leave and said that he was so worried I was going to leave him because he thought I was going to find someone better than him and he would tell me he’s never been with anyone as beautiful as me or fancied anyone as much as me.

He's an insecure mess, who latched on to the first person who paid him some attention.

He's still struggling over his BU and the ex.  He never should have gotten into a relationship so fast . And now, his struggles have affected you!  Selfishness 😕 .

You're better off on your own, not with someone like this.  It's been 1.5 years, that's too long, time to walk.

Is good you've come to realize the negative effects he's having on you and thinking about all of this now.

So, just be done and return to focussing on yourself for a while to get back to good again 🙂 .

[rainbowsandroses]

31 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Find a man who doesn't play these games and doesn't love-bomb you into thinking he's Mr Amazing when he's really Mr Potato Head. 

Spot on and nuff said! 😂

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

He's an insecure mess, who latched on to the first person who paid him some attention.

 

This. At least from what I got from your story. 

All those "I am grateful you are in my life, dont leave me" screams insecurities. Secure person would maybe feel bad if you leave. But wouldnt be so attached to somebody to the point they cant live without you. And all that few weeks into dating. That guy has been hurt and attached to you after that quite a lot.

As far as social media issues go, I dont really think that he would be cheating if he is that insecured and attached to you. However, I do think that he is insensitive and not emphatic and just doesnt get what is your problem with him still connected to ex and liking other women photos constantly. Maybe he just doesnt see the issue. But you do and you are not OK with it. And if its creating a problem and fights in relationship, then yes, you should maybe leave all of this. As you are not that compatible in that area and he isnt willing to compromise.

[Andrina]

4 hours ago, Eleanorrr said:

but how he thinks I’m too good for him

So many people come on these forums saying that their toxic partner said this exact same phrase. What I've stated each time is that when a person comes with a warning label, it's best to walk away at that very point. 

As you can see, what he said was the absolute truth. I've never once said this to anyone because I know I'm the best partner I can be to my SO.

When you get some distance away from him, you'll shake your head at why you stayed so long. 18 months is nothing over a lifetime. And people start over all the time, even divorcing after 20 years, 40 or more years, etc. 

Jerks might have moments of good behavior, but it's better to risk your heart on someone who's never been a jerk.

[Eleanorrr]

Thanks everyone, what I don’t understand is why someone so insecure would treat someone like this? When I have been insecure in the past in relationships I have done everything I could to make sure the person stays. Surely you want to prevent anything bad happening to the relationship if you’re insecure as they clearly don’t want to be alone? But all he was doing was pushing me away time and time again and was fully aware of it. Some people may say he isn’t insecure and is all a tactic to manipulate me etc but I’m not sure. I think it’s a mixture of a lot of things. He was always very jealous of me at the start of the relationship and not to sound big headed but would always tell me that he’s never been with anyone that everyone fancies before like myself apparently and gone for more gothic type of girls that not everyone is into. He would say he’s not used to it. But apparently everyone fancies me and he used to really lay into me about that. Saying I get too much attention when we are out for drinks and stuff and would craze me to tell him if anyone came and approached me on a night where he wasn’t there asking me what they would say etc. I can’t help if people come up to me for goodness sake lol. That’s not my problem I haven’t done anything to ever make him worry about trusting me I am 100% loyal and would never engage in anything like that I consider it cheating. Like was he so jealous of me that he was trying to like even it out to make me upset like him and jealous? I don’t understand. It just hurts  

[Wiseman2]

Please read up on "red flags for abusive relationships". You're trying to make sense out of nonsense from him. Please pay attention to behaviors such as love bombing, possessiveness, jealousy, etc.

The question isn't whether he's insecure or not or what is normal behavior for insecure people, the question is trying to see through the gaslighting and cognitive dissonance that subtle, yet erosive mental and emotional abuse causes.

Abusers want power and control. Keeping you off balance, generating chaos and keeping you upset is fun for them. They enjoy being sadistic puppeteers and watching you squirm and  feel helpless and hopeless at their fingertips.

He's not going to change. Please read up as much as you can on mental abuse so you can come out of the fog he creates and see clearly.

[Eleanorrr]

2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

He's an insecure mess, who latched on to the first person who paid him some attention.

He's still struggling over his BU and the ex.  He never should have gotten into a relationship so fast . And now, his struggles have affected you!  Selfishness 😕 .

You're better off on your own, not with someone like this.  It's been 1.5 years, that's too long, time to walk.

Is good you've come to realize the negative effects he's having on you and thinking about all of this now.

So, just be done and return to focussing on yourself for a while to get back to good again 🙂 .

I agree with all of what you said but I know that in the 8 months in between his ex and myself I know that he had plenty of girls that were speaking to him and interested in him. He’s an attractive guy so he gets lots of attention from girls on social media and I know that he has had gothic girls that are more his type interested in him as i have mutual friends with some of them and know they have been on dates and hung out with him etc. So I ask myself why would someone who has had attention from girls that he would find far more attractive than me put someone like me who is not his type through all this if he didn’t genuinely like me? It’s all such a head *** x

[rainbowsandroses]

22 minutes ago, Eleanorrr said:

what I don’t understand is why someone so insecure would treat someone like this? When I have been insecure in the past in relationships I have done everything I could to make sure the person stays.

Well that's you.  Everyone has their own way of behaving and responding and it's not uncommon for people with insecurities, anxieties and fears to push people away, it's called self-sabotage. 

They test, push boundaries, push buttons, I have done it myself, not proud to admit.

What I have also learned is that while it's common and understandable that you want to analyze and understand HIM, spend your energy on understanding yourself and what motivates you go become attracted to such men and why you're unable to leave when you KNOW it's the best thing for you.

In my situation I was in denial for 5.5 years, I had convinced myself everything including him was perfect, burying the negatives, and adapting. 

Once I finally woke up (long story how that happened) I left.  Immediately.  

But here, you're NOT in denial, you're quite aware this is a toxic situation for you, so ask yourself why you're choosing to stay?

Which is a much better use of your time and energy than wasting it on trying to understand him.

You never will, so don't even bother trying. 

 

[Eleanorrr]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Well that's you.  Everyone has their own way of behaving and responding and it's not uncommon for people with insecurities, anxieties and fears to push people away, it's called self-sabotage. 

They test, push boundaries, push buttons, I have done it myself, not proud to admit.

What I have also learned is that while it's common and understandable that you want to analyze and understand HIM, spend your energy on understanding yourself and what motivates you go become attracted to such men and why you're unable to leave when you KNOW it's the best thing for you.

In my situation I was in denial for 5.5 years, I had convinced myself everything including him was perfect, burying the negatives, and adapting.  Once I finally woke up (long story how that happened) I left.  Immediately.  

But here, you're NOT in denial, you're quite aware this is a toxic situation for you, so ask yourself why you're choosing to stay. 

Which is a much better use of your time and energy than wasting it on trying to understand him.

You never will, so don't even bother trying. 

 

Thank you so much for your advice. There’s never a right time is there. It’s such a hard one because in the past when I have left ex boyfriends it’s not always been because of something like this, sometimes it’s just because I’ve fallen out of love, or long distance reasons etc. Except the most recent ex. The most recent ex I had to get my dad to get me from his house because he kept holding me hostage basically after lying to me about not telling me he had herpes. As soon as I found out I made an escape plan that took me a few months to execute because everytime I tried to leave he would grab a massive knife and stand by the front door. After leaving the relationship I luckily found out I didn’t catch it from him. Thank god. So when that one ended it was all such a blur because I was desperate to leave, whereas this one feels more complex 😞 

[rainbowsandroses]

22 minutes ago, Eleanorrr said:

So when that one ended it was all such a blur because I was desperate to leave, whereas this one feels more complex 😞 

I'm curious why you're not desperate to leave this relationship.

He's not holding a knife to you but it's just as insidious, perhaps more so because it involves emotional manipulation, gaslighting and other toxic behaviors that have the potential to drive you literally insane.  

You have admitted it yourself and it's only been 18 months.  

I get you still love him, I loved my ex too when I left, hell I nearly worshipped him which was definitely NOT healthy!

BUT I also loved myself and if I had chosen to stay I definitely would not have been loving myself or respecting myself.

Interested thing happened once I left.  My ex began introspecting about his own unhealthy behavior and actions, sought treatment for it and began respecting me and himself in a way he had never done when we were together.

He wanted to get back together but for me it was too late, damage done, trust gone. 

In any event, good luck whatever you decide.

[Eleanorrr]

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'm curious why you're not desperate to leave this relationship.

He's not holding a knife to you but it's just as insidious, perhaps more so because it involves emotional manipulation, gaslighting and other toxic behaviors that have the potential to drive you literally insane.  

You have admitted it yourself and it's only been 18 months.  

I get you still love him, I loved my ex too when I left, hell I nearly worshipped him which was definitely NOT healthy!

BUT I also loved myself and if I had chosen to stay I definitely would not have been loving myself or respecting myself.

Interested thing happened once I left.  My ex began introspecting about his own unhealthy behavior and actions, sought treatment for it and began respecting me and himself in a way he had never done when we were together.

He wanted to get back together but for me it was too late, damage done, trust gone. 

In any event, good luck whatever you decide.

I think the reason I am still here is because he doesn’t engage in the picture liking anymore and he unfollowed his ex on social media, all of the bad behaviours stopped after the first 3/4 months of our relationship. I think the question I ask myself I why didn’t I leave back then. I think it’s because it got to breaking point where he finally realised I was walking away if he didn’t listen and respect me or our relationship and then he stopped. And it’s like I had finally got what I wanted. I think it’s because it was such a battle to get him to stop that i still think about it now even though he’s not engaging in those behaviours anymore as far as I’m aware. He only stopped because I begged him to and that’s what hurts. And now that he’s not doing it I feel in this weird state of confusion because I should be happy now but I’m not. I still feel totally let down. He has cried and cried to me about how guilty he feels for hurting me I dread to think how he would react if I left 

[rainbowsandroses]

13 minutes ago, Eleanorrr said:

I think the reason I am still here is because he doesn’t engage in the picture liking anymore and he unfollowed his ex on social media, all of the bad behaviours stopped after the first 3/4 months of our relationship. I think the question I ask myself I why didn’t I leave back then. I think it’s because it got to breaking point where he finally realised I was walking away if he didn’t listen and respect me or our relationship and then he stopped. And it’s like I had finally got what I wanted. I think it’s because it was such a battle to get him to stop that i still think about it now even though he’s not engaging in those behaviours anymore as far as I’m aware. He only stopped because I begged him to and that’s what hurts. And now that he’s not doing it I feel in this weird state of confusion because I should be happy now but I’m not. I still feel totally let down. He has cried and cried to me about how guilty he feels for hurting me I dread to think how he would react if I left 

I'm seeing a completely different picture here^ from your first post.  

In your first post, I saw a woman enmeshed in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship, who had completely lost herself, was mentally beaten down, a mere shell of the beautiful vibrant woman she was once, and unable to extricate herself from a man who by anyone's standards would be considered a sociopath.

But now you're saying that was all in the past?

That he's a changed man, stopped the toxic behaviors, and would do anything to keep you including sobbing and begging? 

I'm sorry but I'm completely confused now. 

I asked you earlier if you had sought therapy after your previous abusive relationship ended and your abusive childhood.

Have you?  I think it might help you sort things out.  

All the best. 

[Wiseman2]

54 minutes ago, Eleanorrr said:

 everytime I tried to leave he would grab a massive knife and stand by the front door. After leaving the relationship I luckily found out I didn’t catch it from him. 

Please read up on the "cycle of violence". (Google it) You're in the honeymoon phase replete with crocodile tears, empty promises to change and temporary good behavior. 

[Eleanorrr]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'm seeing a completely different picture here^ from your first post.  

In your first post, I saw a woman enmeshed in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship, who had completely lost herself, was mentally beaten down, a mere shell of the beautiful vibrant woman she was once, and unable to extricate herself from a man who by anyone's standards would be considered a sociopath.

But now you're saying that was all in the past?

That he's a changed man, stopped the toxic behaviors, and would do any thing to keep you including sobbing and begging? 

I'm sorry but I'm completely confused now. 

I asked you earlier if you had sought therapy after your previous abusive relationship ended and your abusive childhood.

Have you?  I think it might help you sort things out.  

All the best. 

Sorry if I came across confusing, I did say in the original post that he had stopped the toxic behaviours. My issue is not knowing whether to leave or not now as I’m still dwelling on these behaviours he displayed as they went on for months at the start and I’ve had a hard time getting over why he would do that over and over. Just because it’s in the past doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It’s like it all just got swept under the carpet because he said sorry and stopped. He begged me because it had finally got to breaking point after me crying to him numerous times and letting him know his behaviours were hurting me. That’s what hurts, why it had to get to that point. Why couldn’t he just stop when he knew it was hurting me? Why does it always take the other person so get so emotionally confused and completely burnt out and ready to leave until they stop. I’m writing on here for advice as to what I should do and how other people would feel in my shoes is all. 
 

no I haven’t had therapy or counselling I can’t afford it, I’ve had multiple appointments for my mental health but there are such long wait lists for things and I never feel like it helps 

[Eleanorrr]

1 minute ago, Eleanorrr said:

Sorry if I came across confusing, I did say in the original post that he had stopped the toxic behaviours. My issue is not knowing whether to leave or not now as I’m still dwelling on these behaviours he displayed as they went on for months at the start and I’ve had a hard time getting over why he would do that over and over. Just because it’s in the past doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It’s like it all just got swept under the carpet because he said sorry and stopped. He begged me because it had finally got to breaking point after me crying to him numerous times and letting him know his behaviours were hurting me. That’s what hurts, why it had to get to that point. Why couldn’t he just stop when he knew it was hurting me? Why does it always take the other person so get so emotionally confused and completely burnt out and ready to leave until they stop. I’m writing on here for advice as to what I should do and how other people would feel in my shoes is all. 
 

no I haven’t had therapy or counselling I can’t afford it, I’ve had multiple appointments for my mental health but there are such long wait lists for things and I never feel like it helps 

But thank you again for your advice sorry I confused you it was a hard post to write as it’s so long winded