Need help forgetting the past

[rainbowsandroses]

Just now, Eleanorrr said:

But thank you again for your advice sorry I confused you it was a hard post to write as it’s so long winded 

No worries, I actually understand and feel badly that I'm not able to give better advice orher than to leave which clearly you're not ready to do.

I still think you're being completely manipulated even though the behaviors that most hurt you have stopped.

It's covert manipulation versus overt which as I said can be more insidious because it happens over time in a less obvious way.

But the intent is the same - to break you down and weaken you so you're less likely to leave. 

To say he is weak and insecure himself is a bold understatement.

[Eleanorrr]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

No worries, I actually understand and feel badly that I'm not able to give better advice orher than to leave which clearly you're not ready to do.

I still think you're being completely manipulated even though the behaviors that most hurt you have stopped.

It's covert manipulation versus overt which as I said can be more insidious because it happens over time in a less obvious way.

But the intent is the same - to break you down and weaken you so you're less likely to leave. 

To say he is weak and insecure himself is a bold understatement.

Thank you my love, it’s still appreciated. I always leave eventually, just takes me a while. I wish I was stronger. Whenever I am out of a relationship that I’ve been trying to leave for a long time I look back like *** was I worrying about. And then I forget it all when I get into a new relationship further down the line. It’s like I get brainwashed 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Well that's you.  Everyone has their own way of behaving and responding and it's not uncommon for people with insecurities, anxieties and fears to push people away, it's called self-sabotage. 

They test, push boundaries, push buttons, I have done it myself, not proud to admit.

What I have also learned is that while it's common and understandable that you want to analyze and understand HIM, spend your energy on understanding yourself and what motivates you go become attracted to such men and why you're unable to leave when you KNOW it's the best thing for you.

This!!!!!

[Andrina]

7 hours ago, Eleanorrr said:

I feel a shell of who I was before my current bf and previous ex. 

You think a person will magically change from someone who has the capability of doing this to you, into a mentally healthy, optimum partner?

You really need to be single and save up money to pay for counseling. You've begun a pattern of choosing toxic men that will continue until you are in a mentally healthy headspace yourself.

I'm speaking from a place of experience because I, too, was in a bad place mentally when I married my first husband who was toxic due to his depression. I wished I'd sought counseling at the time. I'm sure I would've made wiser life choices if that had happened. 

Listen to your gut. It's telling you you're unhappy for a reason, even as your brain tries to reason that he's stopped being bad.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Eleanorrr said:

...he’s not engaging in those behaviours anymore as far as I’m aware. He only stopped because I begged him to and that’s what hurts. And now that he’s not doing it I feel in this weird state of confusion because I should be happy now but I’m not.

Maybe there's a part of you fully aware that he's probably just decided to become sneakier and better at this, so you can't catch him?

I realize that the distraction of trying to figure him out has created a barrier to answers so that you can hold onto 'unknowns' instead of just recognizing that this isn't how you want to live your life. 

But at what point will you be willing to focus on an ideal relationship to move TOWARD as opposed to trying to force yourself to accept exactly the opposite of what you really want in a lover?

Do you believe that the foundation of a relationship is trust? If so, move ahead and find that with the right guy. If not, then keep treading in these waters and try to feel good about that.

I hope you will make the right decision for you.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Eleanorrr said:

 I haven’t had therapy or counselling I can’t afford it, I’ve had multiple appointments for my mental health but there are such long wait lists for things and I never feel like it helps 

Calling a domestic abuse agency is free. It's unclear why after the knife episode, you won't enlist the support, information and help from friends, family and all the domestic abuse agencies out there to help you. 

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, Eleanorrr said:

I agree with all of what you said but I know that in the 8 months in between his ex and myself I know that he had plenty of girls that were speaking to him and interested in him. He’s an attractive guy so he gets lots of attention from girls on social media and I know that he has had gothic girls that are more his type interested in him as i have mutual friends with some of them and know they have been on dates and hung out with him etc. So I ask myself why would someone who has had attention from girls that he would find far more attractive than me put someone like me who is not his type through all this if he didn’t genuinely like me? It’s all such a head *** x

You got that right.

He's feeding his ego because he just failed in his last relationship.  My kids boss is going thru the same thing.  He;s liking this gal, flirting with another and dating someone ( for the last month), who is at least 20 yrs his junior.  Sad, really 😕 . And he's barely out of his BU (marriage), for only the last 5 months.

Inside, I do feel they know they can't do it, but do it anyways!  Like I said, to feed their ego, to try & assure themselves they've still got it, etc.

He is NOT okay.. agree?  You stay away from people like this!  They're not over their last relationship yet, not for a good while.  ( after my marriage failed, ( of 10 yrs), it took me abt 2 yrs to feel okay to date again).

 

 

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, Eleanorrr said:

Why does it always take the other person so get so emotionally confused and completely burnt out and ready to leave until they stop.

It doesn't "always" take this. 

Not in a healthy, decent relationship. Yours is not that kind of relationship. If you had a good boyfriend, it wouldn't have devolved into you basically begging him to stop being a bad boyfriend. 

Find a better guy. The damage is done here and it was your sign early on that he was a poor choice for a boyfriend. That hasn't change and your gut is trying to get you to pay attention.