Went from hot to cold. Should I drop it?

[poorlittlefish]

Four days to reply = no interest.  At best, it's saying she wants to keep you on the back burner in case things don't come to fruition with someone else she's communicating with.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

t’s so bizarre to me how we all spend so much time calculating the clock-time between text responses to determine whether or not someone is into us - as if it were a magic 8 ball 

I was never that rigid -I look for general reciprocity over all.  So if a new acquaintance takes 3 months to respond and wants to meet that week I'm not going to get back to her -if at all - as soon as I would if a new acquaintance didn't respond to me reciprocally but when she did had a genuine reason/excuse. 

And back in the day (80s/90s)when I dated typically if a man didn't call me (or my friends) by Wednesday evening for a weekend night date we said no.  I preferred to do something on my own than be an afterthought (although 99% of the time or more I already had my weekend plans by then).  I knew of women who accepted last minute weekend dates and most often that was for a fling or a one time only thing. 

Most men stepped up to the plate and made sure to reach us early in the week for a weekend evening date.  It was definitely a way to gague interest in dating and not just a "plan B/nothing better to do" situation - spontaneity was awesome while planning the date/on the date but I wasn't into people trying to get to know m and being "spontaneous" when it came to efforts to make a plan in the first place. 

So now with texting I relate to a general sense of wanting to see interest in dating.  I don't love the emphasis on chat buddies and how long someone you barely know takes to respond to a random text.  I say make the plan -get to know the person in person - save all those great stories for in person or perhaps a phone call once or twice a week in between those early dates.  

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

And back in the day (80s/90s)when I dated typically if a man didn't call me (or my friends) by Wednesday evening for a weekend night date we said no.  I preferred to do something on my own than be an afterthought.

Wasn't this^ written in a book somewhere?  "The Rules" or something like that?  

I never liked that particular rule, not that's it's "wrong."  There is no right or wrong, only what's best for us. 

I always danced to my own drummer and in truth some of my BEST dates were spontaneous/same day and led to long term. 

Some didn't but wouldn't have anyway no matter how far in advance he asked me out. 

I never felt like an afterthought, and I think if one does feel like an afterthought with a particular person they're dating or starting to date, don't go out with them, no matter when they ask you out. 

And that includes calculating texting response times and mirroring them.  

JMO on that, as always.

If you use your best judgment and intuition with respect to how you interact and connect with a particular person, and as @NighttimeNightmare said, detach from the outcome and embrace/enjoy the here and now, you won't need to analyze or.follow rules and dating will be A LOT more enjoyable and fun!!  And lead to something good and positive.

That's what always worked best for me anyway.  :))

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Wasn't this^ written in a book somewhere?  "The Rules" or something like that?  

Wayyy before The Rules -the rules was repetitive of what had been going on for a long long time.  I personally didn't agree with all The Rules.  On the whole I was treated with respect by the men I dated, was friends with and involved with and this was partly because I treated myself and my time -particularly the high value weekend dates- with respect and standards. 

When I dated the men who wanted to date women with potential for a serious relationship (this was from 1978-2005, on and off -I had several LTRs) made the effort to plan a date in advance, call the woman to ask her out in advance because he assumed -rightly-that a woman he highly regarded likely had her "dance card" filled for the weekend in advance whether with other dates or social life.  Interestingly the men who called last minute -because they'd pursued women who settled for last minute plans/being plan B etc - quickly stepped up to the plate when I politely would decline "so sorry -would love to see you Saturday night and I'm busy."  

I used my best judgment because I knew a man who was sufficiently into me would want to make a plan in advance for a weekend night date whether or not he was "spontaneous" in other respects- he'd want to make sure I was free.  Intuition is great.  Often I was dating men I'd only met once or never -lots of blind dates -so if he asked me out in advance with a plan in mind I at least knew he'd be thought into it and was thoughtful about my time.  

I loved spontaneity in dating just not if someone wanted to see me on a weekend and assumed I'd be free last minute.  I was spontaneous about the plan and once we were a couple and understood we'd spend our weekends together obviously the asking out part was mostly over.  

For sure when I had a couple of flings or Club Med type romances it wasn't dating with anything serious in mind -I'm talking about the type of men I wanted to be with -and yes it was "courting" back in the day.  I put in a lot of effort other than the actual asking out in the beginning and part of that effort was to be on time and reliable and appreciative of the plan.  

I don't think there's a right or wrong -depends what you're looking for IMO.There are all sorts of reasons for dating.  Enjoyable and fun were secondary in a way to finding someone who first had things in common with me and common values and goals -if that was in place then for sure enjoyable and fun. I wasn't going to enjoy dating a man who presumed I'd be free for a last minute Saturday night date.

Totally fine to disagree.  I know what I did was consistent with who I was as a person and my goals in dating.  And easily screened out men who would not be good matches for me or have the same values and standards.  I sure knew a lot of women who accepted last minute weekend dates and so many ended up jaded and bitter and cynical.  

[rainbowsandroses]

Absolutely agree, no right or wrong Bat.  Gotta do what's right for each of us.  

To clarify my comment about feeling like an afterthought, I only meant that if I felt like an afterthought, it wasn't because of how soon or how far in advance he asked me out.

I've had men ask me out a week or two in advance and I still felt like an afterthought (casual).  Because the connection just wasn't there. 

On the other hand, I've had men spontaneously ask to see me because a meeting got cancelled or we were having a great chat and decided right then to grab a bite or a drink, and I did not feel like an afterthought because we had a great connection.  And those dates typically led to a long term relationship or as with my ex-husband, marriage.

Of course many dates were planned in advance too. 

I don't disagree with how you chose to date Bat, I just chose a different path, but leading to the same thing - long term relationship.  

I actually hate casual dating, never liked it.  Like you, my goal was always a relationship. 

No right or wrong. :))

 

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Absolutely agree, no right or wrong Bat.  Gotta do what's right for each of us.  

To clarify my comment about feeling like an afterthought, I only meant that if I felt like an afterthought, it wasn't because of how far in advance he asked me out. 

I've had men ask me out a week or two in advance and I still felt like an afterthought (casual).  Because the connection just wasn't there. 

On the other hand, I've had men spontaneously ask to see me because a meeting got cancelled or we were having a great chat and decided right then to grab a bite and I did not feel like an afterthought because we had a great connection.  And those dates typically led to a long term relationship or as with my ex- husband, marriage.

I don't disagree with how you chose to date Bat, I just chose a different path, but leading to the same thing - long term relationship.  

I actually hate casual dating, never liked it.  Like you, my goal was always a relationship. 

No right or wrong. :))

 

Yes. So I actually avoided chatting on a weekend close to evening time. I was most often out on weekends. I had a blackberry in 2006 but no cell till 2009 - in my third trimester- so if I was chatting with a guy who I wanted to date it was at home or from work or emailing.  And I didn’t want to be available to chat on a weekend night even if I happened to be home. So no last minute dates. Not for weekend nights. To me grabbing a bite to eat is not a date. If I met someone while out and he asked if I wanted to grab coffee right then I might.
If he called me Thursday night- after Wednesday night -I’d make plans to see him the following weekend or perhaps meet for lunch during the work week.  Not for a Saturday night date. 
or Friday night. 
Of course asking out in advance only means he thinks enough of you then to make plans in advance to take you out on a Saturday night. It doesn’t mean he’ll treat you with respect long term or other ways.  
By contrast there’s a much higher risk of a man asks you out last minute and especially to hang out at his house he either assumes you’re up for casual sex or regards you as potential for hooking up. Not for dating properly. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Of course asking out in advance only means he thinks enough of you then to make plans in advance to take you out on a Saturday night. It doesn’t mean he’ll treat you with respect long term or other ways.  

I had modified my post to say that many dates (most actually) were planned in advance. 

I'm just not averse to last minute again depending on our connection.  That's what I went by - how well we connected.  

In fact sometimes I was even the one to suggest it!  

I never felt slighted by last minute, and if available and felt like it, I'd go for it. 

I wasn't always avaliable though, just saying if I was, I'd go.  Again this is assuming we have a great connection which tbh was/is rare.  I typically didn't and don't date men unless there is. 

Like I said, I have always danced to my own drummer, I make my own rules, what's works for me (as you do/did as well Bat, what worked for you) and the men I dated and had relationships with really loved that about my personality and respected me for it.  I was always treated very well for the most part. 

As I'm sure the men you dated loved how you did things, and had a lot of respect for you for it too! 

Different strokes and all that.  🙂

 

[SooSad33]

On 10/16/2023 at 7:23 PM, jul-els said:

Her responses to me seemed to have cooled off considerably compared to the first few times we met, even though we have kissed at the end of the last three dates. I want to see her again, but I’m not going to reply to her text for a few days, since that’s the pace she’s setting. 

You could at least respond back ( not act like her) and say sure, sounds good! 🙂 .  Then, leave it alone, until you hear from her again.

She's going on a trip? Can guarantee that's heavily on her mind now.  you two have only been out a handlful of times, right?

Ya never know, she may be thinkin of you the whole trip.. you've barely begun to get to know each other at this point... So, see how it goes.

But, it;s up to you.  If you're not happy now, then yeah, ignore her and move on.  Has only been time span of over a month.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

m just not averse to last minute again depending on our connection.  That's what I went by - how well we connected.  

I didn't connect well with people who were making a first impression and couldn't be bothered to make a plan in advance for a date.  I might be friends with or friendly with that person depending on how we met but even if we had a nice conversation and clicked, if after I declined a last minute weekend date he didn't counter with making a plan in advance when I was free, I wouldn't have felt connected in the way of romantic potential any longer.  I'd have been turned off. Different strokes for sure!

[Sindy_0311]

Oh god, If a man I’m dating makes me wait 4 days for a reply, I go next, immediately.

And wouldn’t even bother telling that dude to reach out to me after his vacations, It would turn me off completely. For me it’s a huge red flag, it means he is not serious about me, not consistent and not a good match. 

Now I know that we all have different expectations in terms of communication while dating. But in your case, as it seems to bother you, I suggest you assume it’s not a good fit and go find someone who will match YOUR expectations. 

[jul-els]

4 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 

Oh god, If a man I’m dating makes me wait 4 days for a reply, I go next, immediately.

And wouldn’t even bother telling that dude to reach out to me after his vacations, It would turn me off completely. For me it’s a huge red flag, it means he is not serious about me, not consistent and not a good match. 

Now I know that we all have different expectations in terms of communication while dating. But in your case, as it seems to bother you, I suggest you assume it’s not a good fit and go find someone who will match YOUR expectations. 

I kind of feel that way as well, I’m usually very staunch about not settling for less than I deserve, but admittedly I am a little bit smitten with this woman, so I’m trying to be little bit less rigid in my thinking and a little more flexible and gracious. She did call me last night before she left, so that shows me she is thinking about me. I’m not closing off my options though and I will continue talking with and meeting other women while I see how this situation develops. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

1 hour ago, jul-els said:

She did call me last night before she left,

And there it is again. Exactly why I, once again say, I have no idea how people can say things like “x amount of days? I know for certain she isn’t interested! Move on”

Ive lapsed in my response to someone i was heavily interested in because life took over and I was beyond stressed and incapable of dealing with everything in my plate let alone trying to make sure I text people back “immediately or else.”  I appreciated the fact that when I was ready to talk, there was no hurt feelings or attitude on her end  

 

I agree that many people are just playing around and being flakey while another party hangs on with no good reason. But sometimes you do meet adult, responsible people who don’t have anxiety over how often they must text you (read: perform) to reap a reward

 

she literally told you she was gearing up for a trip, many people can’t text a lot right before or during said trip.  None of us here get to dictate how someone else handles their stress. Maybe she appreciates someone who can have, as you say, flexibility and grace during her stressful times, and not cut her off because she has a life 

 

maybe it will never work out with you two, but maybe it will. And imagine if you had axed her because she didn’t respond “quick enough” inspite of her communicating to you why that may have been. 
 

yikes. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, jul-els said:

 I am a little bit smitten with this woman. She did call me last night before she left, so that shows me she is thinking about me. 

That's a good sign. You could stay in light touch until she gets back then see what happens. Maybe it's too soon to throw in the towel just because her texting habits are not overwhelming. 

[jul-els]

It’s consistency that I look for. Do actions match words? If someone displays a ton of interest at first blush and then trails off, it indicates flakiness to me, a quality I’m not attracted to or interested in. I’m not going to hang around while they figure it out. If I’m interested, I show it, and I look for people who respond in kind, whether it’s personal or business. If people can’t correspond in a timely manner, I’m going to conclude they’re not interested. Either way, I don’t have time to chase them down. 

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, jul-els said:

It’s consistency that I look for. Do actions match words? If someone displays a ton of interest at first blush and then trails off, it indicates flakiness to me, a quality I’m not attracted to or interested in. I’m not going to hang around while they figure it out. If I’m interested, I show it, and I look for people who respond in kind, whether it’s personal or business. If people can’t correspond in a timely manner, I’m going to conclude they’re not interested. Either way, I don’t have time to chase them down. 

It’s also why I’m a fan of restraint. Head in the clouds feet on the ground. No insta relationship. Keep it at a consistent steady pace. Keep your life and activities going even if your heart is saying full speed ahead because wow you both love black cherry chip ice cream and Norah Jones and Edward Hopper paintings and pina colada’s.  That way there’s no sudden drop off when things settle in a bit and no sudden drop off if after date 4 you see he didn’t offer to share the last of the pecan turtle fudge ice cream with you because he should have read your mind that you didn’t want black cherry chip that evening. And you cleared your throat in a gross way. 
 

[Kwothe28]

On 10/18/2023 at 9:38 AM, jul-els said:

No, it’s been pretty one-sided, which means it’s time for me to step aside. 

Yes, if you are looking for consistency and actions, sadly she is not the one where you will get that.

[jul-els]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Yes, if you are looking for consistency and actions, sadly she is not the one where you will get that.

It looks like that’s the probability. I really like her, so I’m willing to go a little bit further with it. I’ll see. 

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, jul-els said:

It looks like that’s the probability. I really like her, so I’m willing to go a little bit further with it. I’ll see. 

Is part of what you like the challenge? Doesn't sound like you know her well.  You know yourself well so if you really like yourself consider whether you want to settle for this.

[jul-els]

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Is part of what you like the challenge? Doesn't sound like you know her well.  You know yourself well so if you really like yourself consider whether you want to settle for this.

No, I just like her. She’s fun to be with. I like her energy and I’m physically attracted to her. I just question our compatibility. I’m willing to look into it a little bit further, but I’m keeping my options open and my expectations in check. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, jul-els said:

No, I just like her. She’s fun to be with. I like her energy and I’m physically attracted to her. I just question our compatibility. I’m willing to look into it a little bit further, but I’m keeping my options open and my expectations in check. 

Yes that’s what it’s about. So far she’s lukewarm and you are not. That’s where the risk is. To you. 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 10/16/2023 at 4:23 PM, jul-els said:

The last time we went out, I brought her flowers, we kissed at the end and we video chatted after we got home that night and had a really great time. At least I did. She seemed like she did too. I texted her the next day. She replied four days later saying she wants to meet again, but it will have to be after she gets back from her vacation in England.

I do understand that after a date like your last where it appeared you were showing more interest (brought flowers), kissed, video chatted when you got home, and otherwise getting closer and more intimate, her waiting four days to respond could be a bit unnerving.  

In  today's dating culture, this is known as "push/pull" and it's not necessarily a game, it's simply the natural course of things as two people navigate their way towards each other. 

Confident and experienced daters understand this and don't assign any negative meaning to it; they understand sometimes people need to step back a tad to catch their breath or even to contemplate where they want things to go with a particular person.  Even when they like that person A LOT.

What I've learned is that people aren't robots programmed to act or respond the same exact way each time during this "moving closer" process. 

You called it inconsistently, I call it being human with human emotions that during early stages can sometimes throw people for a loop (fear).

Learn to be flexible and open to all the changing nuances that early dating brings. I think you will be a lot happier if you do.

Focus on the great date you just had and your shared connection and try to not overthink or catastrophize.  

Easier said than done sometimes, we can all get anxious and uncertainty is a given! 

I'm glad she called last night!  Think positively.  Believe it or not, this all sounds quite normal to me. :))

[jul-els]

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I do understand that after a date like your last where it appeared you were showing more interest (brought flowers), kissed, video chatted when you got home, and otherwise getting closer and more intimate, her waiting four days to respond  could be a bit unnerving.  

In  today's dating culture this is known as "push/pull" snd it's not necessarily a game, it's simply the natural course of things as two people navigate their way towards each other. 

Confident and experienced daters understand this and don't assign any negative meaning to it; they understand sometimes people need to step back a tad to catch their breath or even to contemplate where they want things to go with a particular person.  Even when they like that person A LOT.

What I've learned is that people aren't robots programmed to act or respond the same exact way during this "moving closer" process. 

You called it inconsistently, I call it being human with human emotions that during early stages can sometimes throw people for a loop (fear).

Learn to be flexible and open to all the changing nuances that early dating brings. I think you will be a lot happier if you do.

Focus on the great date you just had and your shared connection and try to not overthink or catastrophize.  

Easier said than done sometimes, we can all get anxious and uncertainty is a given! 

I'm glad she called last night!  Think positively.  Believe it or not, this all sounds quite normal to me. :))

Yeah, it’s that “thrown for a loop” part that personally turns me off. I want someone who knows what they’re doing, is sure of themselves, and if they’re not, they’re able and willing to communicate it. She went from having no problem expressing a high level of interest to not being able to plan date times, doesn’t text or call, and waits for long periods to reply to my correspondence. I’m not going to be the one putting in the effort. I want someone who sees my worth, is interested, and shows it. I’m not quite at the point yet where I’ll tell this woman it doesn’t work for me, but it’s close. I’m willing to give it a little bit more of a chance at this point. 

[rainbowsandroses]

19 minutes ago, jul-els said:

Yeah, it’s that “thrown for a loop” part that personally turns me off. I want someone who knows what they’re doing, is sure of themselves, and if they’re not, they’re able and willing to communicate it. She went from having no problem expressing a high level of interest to not being able to plan date times, doesn’t text or call, and waits for long periods to reply to my correspondence. I’m not going to be the one putting in the effort. I want someone who sees my worth, is interested, and shows it. I’m not quite at the point yet where I’ll tell this woman it doesn’t work for me, but it’s close. I’m willing to give it a little bit more of a chance at this point. 

JMO but you're catastrophizing here^. 

Assigning all this negative meaning to her actions and character, expecting her to "be sure" of what she wants, where she wants things to go, communicating with you the way YOU need her to communicate so YOU feel less anxious and insecure, etc.

Good luck with that, seriously.  Again people are not robots, programmed to behave and respond a particular way every time and never deviating from that program.

Again, learn to be flexible and open to the changing nuances early dating sometimes brings. 

Stop being so scared and take a risk.  She may be scared too which is why she stepped back a bit .  It's a possibility, one I personally can relate to. 

She called last night and you'll see each other when she returns.  Focus on that.  

Not on all the negatives, that's your FEAR driving that ship, learn to recognize that, relax and enjoy the journey! 😀

[jul-els]

47 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes that’s what it’s about. So far she’s lukewarm and you are not. That’s where the risk is. To you. 

No real risk to me other than time wasted. Yeah, I might get a boo-boo. It’s not the first time. Part of the process. I’ve been online dating for two years now lol. 

[jul-els]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

JMO but you're catastrophizing here^. 

Assigning all this negative meaning to her actions and character, expecting her to "be sure" of what she wants, where she wants things to go, communicating with you the way YOU need her to communicate so YOU feel less anxious and insecure, etc.

Good luck with that, seriously.  Again people are not robots, programmed to behave and respond a particular way and never deviating. 

Again, learn to be gkrxubke and open to the changing nuances earkyvdatinh brings. 

Stop being so scared and take a risk.  She may be scared too which is why stepped back a bit .  It's a possibility.

She called last night and you'll see each other when she returns.  Focus on that.  

Not on all the negatives, that's your FEAR driving that ship, learn to recognize that, relax and enjoy the journey! 😀

That’s your interpretation of my feelings/thoughts and you’re entitled to them. I’m not afraid, I just know what I’m looking for and not going to settle or waste time. That’s all.