Went from hot to cold. Should I drop it?

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, jul-els said:

That’s your interpretation of my feelings/thoughts and you’re entitled to them. I’m not afraid, I just know what I’m looking for and not going to settle or waste time. That’s all. 

OK in that case it appears you're not compatible then.  

If you don't want to "waste time" then why are bothering yourself with this?  Because you really like her, I get that.

But then don't you see how that makes you inconsistent?

You feel one way (you don't want to waste time dating someone who isn't 100% sure of things after six dates) but acting in another way (wanting to continue dating her).

It's okay, you're human.  So is SHE.

Good luck. 

[jul-els]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

OK in that case it appears you're not compatible then.  

If you don't want to "waste time" then why are bothering yourself with this?  Because you really like her, I get that.

But then don't you see how that makes you inconsistent?

You feel one way (you don't want to waste time dating someone who isn't 100% sure of things after six dates) but acting in another way (wanting to continue dating her).

It's okay, you're human.  So is SHE.

Good luck. 

Again, your interpretation and you’re entitled to it. My actions towards her have been very consistent with my interest/feelings. Hers have been variable. I’m still making up my mind if I’m good with it, which I’m entitled to do. 

[rainbowsandroses]

I'm curious what you found "funny" about my last post @jul-els.   I wasn't trying to be funny, I assure you. 

Anyway, it's fine, laugh if you want.  You're set in your ways and thinking, carry on and again best of luck. 

[jul-els]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'm curious what you found "funny" about my last post @jul-els.   I wasn't trying to be funny, I assure you. 

Anyway, its fine, you're set in your ways and thinking, carry on and again best of luck. 

It was the armchair psychoanalysis. I’m sorry, that was sarcastic on my part, and I apologize for it. I know you want to help and I do appreciate your effort. 

[Sindy_0311]

13 minutes ago, jul-els said:

I just know what I’m looking for and not going to settle or waste time. 

I think that's the problem when we really like someone, we tend to ignore our standards because the other person is really someone special. It's risky.

A great advice I had to make sure I don't overlook my usual turn offs, is to write down a list of things that I want from OP. Could be traits of character, financial situation, relationship status, or the way I want to be treated on dates and in between and communication consitency. If a guy I'm dating and that I really like is making me doubt, I go back to the list and start becoming more objective... You have been dating for two years, this might help you navigate it better... 

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

You have been dating for two years...

Sindy, I'm curious where you read they've been dating for two years?  

Actually, it's been six dates....

On 10/16/2023 at 4:23 PM, jul-els said:

We’ve gone out six times...

@jul-elsif you had been dating two years, my opinion would be completely different.

But six dates in, again what you're experiencing sounds perfectly normal to me.  The uncertainty of early dating, as you navigate your way towards each other.

Not armchair psychoanalysis, simply my opinion and experience.

Hope your date when she returns goes well and that it all works out the way you hope.  

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, jul-els said:

Yeah, it’s that “thrown for a loop” part that personally turns me off. I want someone who knows what they’re doing, is sure of themselves, and if they’re not, they’re able and willing to communicate it. She went from having no problem expressing a high level of interest to not being able to plan date times, doesn’t text or call, and waits for long periods to reply to my correspondence. I’m not going to be the one putting in the effort. I want someone who sees my worth, is interested, and shows it. I’m not quite at the point yet where I’ll tell this woman it doesn’t work for me, but it’s close. I’m willing to give it a little bit more of a chance at this point. 

But over what period of time? High level of interest for someone she barely knows doesn't really mean much?

When I was dating I had no time for men who chose "scared" over reliability and consistency -if they were too scared to ask me out consistently, and call when they said they would because dating/getting closer was "scary" then that didn't bode well. 

To me the dance of intimacy -the push-pull -doesn't result in acting flaky.  It's just naturally if things are moving fast, then one person might pull back a little, might choose not to see the person more than twice a week -but will still act consistently - she or he won't cancel a plan last minute or not follow up on a call or a text.  Nothing needs to be said "oh sorry I'm busy Thursday but how about Sunday let's grab dinner and walk around the festival."

[boltnrun]

I LOL at "scared". Like, what's so scary? Sure, there's a risk involved in dating but I don't see what's so frightening about getting to know someone. If you go on a few dates and determine they're not right for you, there's no law that says you have to keep dating them.

I find "I'm 'scared' of getting hurt" to be lame, IMO. If someone finds dating that threatening to their well-being, then maybe don't date?

OP, I'm with you. When I've met someone good for me (and vice versa) there was no "oooh, I'm so SKERRRD!" We spent time together and realized that both of us wanted to spend more and more time together. No trying to interpret and no lagging communication.

That being said, she did contact you so maybe there will be a change in her actions that will show clearly she is in fact interested in seeing more of you. But I agree, don't chase or over message. Do what's comfortable for you. 

[rainbowsandroses]

I think human emotions, opening yourself up emotionally and feeling vulnerable can be "scary" for some people.   Such fears and for various reasons (not just the fear of getting hurt) are very real to many people. 

There have been entire books written about this by reputable psychologists and the like.  I've read them and also experienced such fears myself.  I could probably write my own book about it. 

Gosh, I wish life and love were so simple as meeting the right person and never experiencing any anxiety or ambivalence.

And I'm sure for some people, it does proceed like that. 

But not for everyone, people can be complex, and have anxieties and fears that can stand in their way of getting what they want. 

People can self-sabotage, push people away, run off prematurely all due to fear.

The OP denies it and can accuse me of armchair psychoanalysis but his mindset now is very much due to fear imo.

Fear.of getting hurt, played, used, wasting time, whatever.  If it wasn't, this thread wouldn't even exist.

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Sindy, I'm curious where you read they've been dating for two years?  

He is online dating for two years… 

[jul-els]

15 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think human emotions, opening yourself up emotionally and feeling vulnerable can be "scary" for some people.   Such fears and for various reasons (not just the fear of getting hurt) are very real to many people. 

There have been entire books written about this by reputable psychologists and the like.  I've read them and also experienced such fears myself.  I could probably write my own book about it. 

Gosh, I wish life and love were so simple as meeting the right person and never experiencing any anxiety or ambivalence.

And I'm sure for some people, it does proceed like that. 

But not for everyone, people can be complex, and have anxieties and fears that can stand in their way of getting what they want. 

Peole can self-sabotage, push people away, run off prematurely all due to fear.

The OP denies it and can accuse me on armchair psychoanalysis but his mindset now is very much due to fear imo.

Fear.of getting hurt, played, used, whatever.  If it wasn't, this thread wouldn't even exist.

I’ve told you several times my mindset and motivations, you choose not to believe it (or maybe you just don’t want to hear it? I don’t know, it’s not for me to say) That’s okay, your feelings are valid and you’re entitled to them. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

2 hours ago, jul-els said:

She went from having no problem expressing a high level of interest to not being able to plan date times, doesn’t text or call, and waits for long periods to reply to my correspondence.

What does this mean exactly?

 

I thought she was limited in texting you just recently, before her trip, and explained she was gearing up for a trip? when did the other things happen, and how often. What were their contexts? 
 

because this behavior in certain contexts (keyword!) could be completely reasonable. Say, if the person is on a trip for example.  It’s an unusual non-routine circumstance that could create non-routine behavior. 
 

If she were sick in bed would you also expect her to respond constantly and be actively planning get together with you? 
 

you keep expressing all of these behaviors you “deserve” and “won’t put up with” and it’s difficult to tell if she has been consistently uninterested or if you potentially have unreasonable demands you’re putting on someone who is probably (a) stressed (b) on a trip, and a better level of attention may resume when she returns and your interactions develop.  Other possibilities: this could just be how she is, someone who doesn’t need constant contact with their partner, but is interested; or as others suspect, she may not be interested and is skirting the issue. 
 

Bottom line is: You are not in a relationship with her. She doesn’t owe you a 24/7 play by play. But if you need those things to feel “secure” and “be confident” in someone’s interest level at all times, regardless of what the other party has on their plate, maybe she isn’t the person who can provide those things for you. 

[jul-els]

3 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

What does this mean exactly?

 

I thought she was limited in texting you just recently, before her trip, and explained she was gearing up for a trip? when did the other things happen, and how often. What were their contexts? 
 

because this behavior in certain contexts (keyword!) could be completely reasonable. Say, if the person is on a trip for example.  It’s an unusual non-routine circumstance that could create non-routine behavior. 
 

If she were sick in bed would you also expect her to respond constantly and be actively planning get together with you? 
 

you keep expressing all of these behaviors you “deserve” and “won’t put up with” and it’s difficult to tell if she has been consistent uninterested or if you have potentially unreasonable demands you’re putting on someone who is probably (a) stressed (b) on a trip, and a better level of attention may resume when she returns and your interactions develop.
 

You are not in a relationship with her. She doesn’t owe you a 24/7 play by play. But if you need those things to feel “secure” and “be confident” in someone’s interest level at all times, regardless of what the other party has on their plate , maybe she isn’t the person.  

I never said I wanted a 24/7 play by play, lol. The assumptions here are quite large. 

[rainbowsandroses]

27 minutes ago, jul-els said:

I’ve told you several times my mindset and motivations, you choose not to believe it (or maybe you just don’t want to hear it? I don’t know, it’s not for me to say) That’s okay, your feelings are valid and you’re entitled to them. 

@jul-els other than the last two paragraphs which you're correct was just my opinion and still is, my post was written in the general not addressing anyone specifically.

[NighttimeNightmare]

6 minutes ago, jul-els said:

I never said I wanted a 24/7 play by play, lol. The assumptions here are quite large. 

That’s all you’ve got to say to the response I took the time to write out?

 

I asked several questions for clarification and you latched on to a few words I threw in to exaggerate a  point I wanted to bring to attention. 

[jul-els]

8 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

That’s all you’ve got to say to the response I took the time to write out?

 

I asked several questions for clarification and you latched on to a few words I threw in to exaggerate a  point I wanted to bring to attention. 

The things you’re asking for clarification on I’ve already stated several times. It’s in the thread. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

communicating with you the way YOU need her to communicate so YOU feel less anxious and insecure, etc.

This is exactly what I’m picking up too.  Not saying you, I, or anyone else here is correct. We don’t know this guy, but it begs to question for sure. 
 

it sounds a lot like, “I deserve and demand more contact so that my anxiety is at ease. So that I feel safe in the fact I have feelings for her”.  It reminds me of the thread Kim made, only he’s not showing us the unwravelling feelings behind the words “deserve!,” and “won’t settle!”

But why else would someone be so adamantly saying those things, and then sticking around regardless? fear of getting hurt? Fear of wasting time? Fear of being vulnerable to a potential pain? 
 

oh, but he says he isn’t experiencing fear.  So is this a matter of strange and misplaced definition? 
 

so ok, if he’s not agreeing he’s feeling fear - is he detached from emotions? His responses here have an air of something to them, that I can’t quite put my finger on. Very dismissive. Mocking and laughing at peoples thoughts, a lack of being willing to explain when asked for clarity, repeatedly barking about how much he deserves and requires

 

right. Ok dude.  Girl is probably dodging a bullet with this one 

[Sindy_0311]

27 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

She doesn’t owe you a 24/7 play by play.

So in your opinion its ok not to reply to a text for 4 days? Sure they aren't in an official relationship yet, and sure she doesn't owe him anything, outside of respect. And to me, making someone wait 4 days for a reply is disrespectful... 

[NighttimeNightmare]

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

So in your opinion it’s ok not to reply to a text for 4 days?

I said that it depends on the context of it, and then asked him to clarify further. 
 

say if someone is sick, or on vacation, yes it may be very normal to not respond daily to someone you went on a few dates with (earlier you said they were dating for 2 years. That isn’t what he said, he only said that he has been doing online dating for a couple of years. He didn’t specifically say the two of them were online exclusive lovers)

 

my opinion on it doesn’t matter though. If he doesn’t want someone who waits 4 days, regardless of reason, he needs to find someone else. 

[jul-els]

2 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

This is exactly what I’m picking up too.  Not saying you, I, or anyone else here is correct. We don’t know this guy, but it begs to question for sure. 
 

it sounds a lot like, “I deserve and demand more contact so that my anxiety is at ease. So that I feel safe in the fact I have feelings for her”.  It reminds me of the thread Kim made, only he’s not showing us the unwravelling feelings behind the words “deserve!,” and “won’t settle!”

But why else would someone be so adamantly saying those things, and then sticking around regardless? fear of getting hurt? Fear of wasting time? Fear of being vulnerable to a potential pain? 
 

oh, but he says he isn’t experiencing fear.  So is this a matter of strange and misplaced definition? 
 

so ok, if he’s not agreeing he’s feeling fear - is he detached from emotions? His responses here have an air of something to them, that I can’t quite put my finger on. Very dismissive. Mocking and laughing at peoples thoughts, a lack of being willing to explain when asked for clarity, repeatedly barking about how much he deserves and requires

 

right. Ok dude.  Girl is probably dodging a bullet with this one 

The number of assumptions made here is impressive. Being reactionary is your choice, but it doesn’t contribute to the thread in a constructive way. If you could participate in a more mature and considerate manner, I’d appreciate it. 🙂 

[rainbowsandroses]

31 minutes ago, jul-els said:

The number of assumptions made here is impressive. Being reactionary is your choice, but it doesn’t contribute to the thread in a constructive way. If you could participate in a more mature and considerate manner, I’d appreciate it. 🙂 

To be fair, since we don't know you, your personality or your character, assumptions and opinion are all we can offer based on what you (or any poster) chooses to share and how we interpret what they share. 

Much of it can also be based on our own natures, personality and experiences (projection).

Instead of dismissing our assumptions and opinions and suggesting we respond in a more "mature and considerate manner," which frankly imo can be interpreted as gaslighting or strawman arguing, why not be considerate yourself and clarify and address the questions for a better understanding?

I always try to do that, when others misinterpret something I've written, and appreciate when others do as well.  I find it to be helpful for them and for myself.

We are all here trying to help you navigate this in our own way.

 

 

[jul-els]

 

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

To be fair, since we don't know you, your personality or your character,  assumptions and opinion are all we can offer based on what you (or any poster) chooses to share and how we interpret what they share. 

Much of it can also be based on our own natures, personality and experiences (projection).

Instead of dismissing our assumptions and opinions and suggesting we respond in a more "mature and considerate manner," which frankly imo can be interpreted as gaslighting or strawman arguing, why not be considerate yourself and clarify and address the questions for a better understanding?

We are all here trying to help you navigate this in our own way.

 

 

I don’t know how to clarify it any further, or if it’s even necessary. The thread looks to have run it’s course. It’s been very helpful and I thank you rainbow, and thank you everyone else. 🙂 

[rainbowsandroses]

22 minutes ago, jul-els said:

 

I don’t know how to clarify it any further, or if it’s even necessary. The thread looks to have run it’s course. It’s been very helpful and I thank you rainbow, and thank you everyone else. 🙂 

OK that's fair and you're welcome. :))

But if I may ask one question, then I will let this be.

You stated you don't want to "waste time" with someone who doesn't show interest consistently.

Can you explain the difference between "don't want to waste time" and "fear of wasting time"?  In this context? 

Also, despite you having a very high interest, you originally were going to wait four (4) days to respond to match her response time but we convinced you not to.

Do you not see how you waiting 4 days might be considered inconsistent behavior in her eyes?  

Or is that different somehow?

Not trying to be obtuse I promise, I'm just generally confused.

No need to answer if you feel the thread has run its course.

 

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

I don't want to golf.  I don't fear golfing.

I don't want to date men with facial hair.  I don't fear men with facial hair.

I don't want to date someone who plays video games for hours and hours on end.  I don't fear men who play video games for hours and hours on end.

I don't want to waste my time with someone I feel isn't compatible.  I don't fear someone who's incompatible.

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

i don't want to waste my time with someone I feel isn't compatible.  I don't fear someone who's incompatible.

Really?  You don't fear getting emotionally involved with the wrong person, someone incompatible?

I do!!  Many people have that fear, it's actually a pretty big one.

I respect you don't though, more power to ya.

Edit:  Playing golf and not wanting to date men with facial hair is a completely different thing, as those things don't involve our emotions and feeling vulnerable.