Went from hot to cold. Should I drop it?

[jul-els]

I met someone a little over a month ago I have/had a high interest level in. It seemed and felt like instant chemistry and we both seemed to know it. We verbally expressed these feelings by the third date. We’ve gone out six times, but on the last few dates her correspondence with me gets further apart in terms of response time.
 

The last time we went out, I brought her flowers, we kissed at the end and we video chatted after we got home that night and had a really great time. At least I did. She seemed like she did too. I texted her the next day. She replied four days later saying she wants to meet again, but it will have to be after she gets back from her vacation in England.

Her responses to me seemed to have cooled off considerably compared to the first few times we met, even though we have kissed at the end of the last three dates. I want to see her again, but I’m not going to reply to her text for a few days, since that’s the pace she’s setting. 
 

Seems like her interest has waned. Mine hasn’t, but I’m not going to pursue it much since her response has gotten increasingly more lukewarm. I’m considering dropping it altogether, as she seems to be either unsure of herself, unsure of me, or playing hard to get, all qualities that I personally don’t feel drawn to. Especially since she told me she liked me so much from the start.
 

If she changed her mind, I would expect her to be mature and respectful enough to tell me. If she’s toying with me then that’s a definite no for me and I’ll move on. I feel kind of ambivalent at this point.  Thoughts and feedback are appreciated.

[Andrina]

I'd say you have a good plan. Keep the effort similar to hers, and then have a personal timeline of when you'll walk away if this thing between you two never takes off like you'd like.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, jul-els said:

.We’ve gone out six times, but on the last few dates her correspondence with me gets further apart in terms of response time.. She replied four days later saying she wants to meet again, but it will have to be after she gets back from her vacation in England.

It's seems to have been going well. Is she away on vacation?  It's ok to acknowledge her text and wish her a nice vacation, but then step back and see what happens. 

[jul-els]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's seems to have been going well. Is she away on vacation?  It's ok to acknowledge her text and wish her a nice vacation, but then step back and see what happens. 

Yep, that’s what I’m doing. It’ll be a few days before I reply, to match her response time to me. Doesn’t look like it’s going to go anywhere. Probably fizzle out. 

[rainbowsandroses]

14 minutes ago, jul-els said:

It’ll be a few days before I reply, to match her response time to me.

Why do people do this?  Do they think the other won't notice you playing that "mirroring" game? 

She/he waited 3 days, 4 hours and 15 seconds to reply so I'm gonna do same. Ugh. 😀

This is a real pet peeve of mine, but whatever I guess, nothing is going to change, people will still play that game. 

29 minutes ago, jul-els said:

She replied four days later saying she wants to meet again, but it will have to be after she gets back from her vacation in England.

She's fading.  Not interested.  Waits four days then off on vacation?

And I"m someone who doesn't believe in black and white absolutes!

23 minutes ago, jul-els said:

Doesn’t look like it’s going to go anywhere. Probably fizzle out. 

I think you called this one right. I wouldn't even message again.  IF she's interested, trust me she will reach out to you when she returns.

[jul-els]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Why do people do this?  Do they think the other won't notice you playing that "mirroring" game? 

She/he waited 3 days, 4 hours and 15 seconds to reply so I'm gonna do same. Ugh. 😀

This is a real pet peeve of mine, but whatever I guess, nothing is going to change, people will still play that game. 

She's fading.  Not interested.  Waits four days then off on vacation?

And I"m someone who doesn't believe in black and white absolutes!

I think you called this one right. I wouldn't even message again.  IF she's interested, trust me she will reach out to you when she returns.

Dating is a game, like it or not. It’s the way the world goes ‘round. Not replying would be more of a game imo, because it would show I’m not interested. I am, but I’m not going to put in more effort than the person I’m interested in. I’m worth more than that. If their level of reciprocation is lukewarm, then mine is as well. 

[rainbowsandroses]

26 minutes ago, jul-els said:

Dating is a game, like it or not. It’s the way the world goes ‘round'.

Yes I know.  I just don't like that particular game because it's so obvious it's a game. 

If you're gonna play the game, at least be subtle about it.   I mean, everyone plays that mirroring game; stand out, be different.  Dance to your own drummer.  THAT is confidence.

26 minutes ago, jul-els said:

Not replying would be more of a game imo, because it would show I’m not interested.

What do you think SHE'S doing?  She's not exactly displaying a ton of interest here either. 

My advice?  If you want to reach out, don't play the mirroring game matching her response time.  Sorry I just thinks that's silly.

If she's got an ounce of dating intelligence she will see right through that.  And probably laugh at the absurdity of it.

Reach out when you want.  Today, tomorrow,   

I mean why wait?   Wish her a safe trip.  That's it.  

JMO, good luck.

[jul-els]

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Yes I know.  I just don't like that particular game because it's so obvious it's a game. 

If you're gonna play the game, at least be subtle about it.   I mean, everyone plays that mirroring game, stand out, be different.  Dance to your own drummer. 

What do you think SHE'S doing?  She's not exactly displaying a ton of interest here either. 

My advice?  If you want to reach out, don't play the mirroring game matching her response time.  Sorry I just thinks that's silly.

If she's got an ounce of dating intelligence she will see right through that.  And probably laugh at the absurdity of it.

Reach out when you want.  Today, tomorrow,   

Wish her a safe trip.  Period.  

JMO, good luck.

I never said I didn’t want to reply. Her interest level has waned, which has caused mine to as well. Doesn’t leave me much to be interested in. She has to see my worth and show interest in it. I can see hers, but the feeling has to be mutual. I won’t settle for less. Otherwise I’m wasting my time, and that’s the thing I don’t want to do, and I won’t. I’m almost done, but not quite. One more reply to her, not in a rush to do it, but I will in my own good time. Then I’ll see what happens. I expect it will probably be the last message or close to it. If she doesn’t come out and say she’s lost interest, then I will. Unless she doesn’t reply at all and then that’ll be it. 

[rainbowsandroses]

23 minutes ago, jul-els said:

One more reply to her, not in a rush to do it, but I will in my own good time.

Maybe you didn't read my entire response but I thinks it's fine that you want to reach out before she leaves. 

I just didn't agree with you intentionally waiting to match her response time.  Mirroring.  That's all.

If you want to wait, for you, not a game, then I agree.

What do you plan to say?  Any idea?

If me and the tables were turned, umder the same circumstances, a simple "have a safe trip" would suffice.  

And I'd do it now so I wouldn't forget.  Which I tend to do when losing interest. 

BUT you do you, again good luck. :))

[catfeeder]

Did she mention this trip when you last saw her?

[shouldhavelearned]

Keep looking 

[jul-els]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Maybe you didn't read my entire response but I thinks it's fine that you want to reach out before she leaves. 

I just didn't agree with you intentionally waiting to match her response time.  Mirroring.  That's all.

If you want to wait, for you, not a game, then I agree.

What do you plan to say?  Any idea?

If me and the tables were turned, a simple have a safe trip would suffice.  

And I'd do it now so I wouldn't forget.  Which I tend to do when losing interest. 

BUT you do you, again good luck. :))

I’ll just say “Sure, let me know when you’re back. Enjoy.” and leave it at that. Ball’s in her court at that point and she can do with it as she wishes. It’s probably done though, my expectations are low. 

[jul-els]

43 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Did she mention this tripl when you last saw her?

Yes, because we made a tentative date, but she said she had to get ready for her trip, so she wasn’t sure. She’d let me know. Four days later she reached out to say it would have to be when she got back. Not exactly heavy on the enthusiasm lol. 

[jul-els]

32 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Keep looking 

Yep. Probably so.

[catfeeder]

When is the last time you pulled your life together, including your job, to prep it for a pause while you plan and pack and arrange your finances and documents and transportation to get ready for a trip?

 I tend to give travelers a break, because I don’t know too many people who can just relax, throw stuff in a bag, then go.

Give people room for disruptions before writing them off and plunging your own mood. Ideally, we’d all love for everyone to stay on top of their game to keep us prioritized, but not everybody is made of the stuff to pull that off.

 If this woman doesn’t ramp back up when she gets home, at least you’ll have had her time away to have met someone else who might make her less relevant.

Head high.

[lostandhurt]

46 minutes ago, jul-els said:

I’ll just say “Sure, let me know when you’re back. Enjoy.” and leave it at that. Ball’s in her court at that point and she can do with it as she wishes. It’s probably done though, my expectations are low. 

Perfect!  For you this puts a pin in it with nothing left for you to do but get on with your life and if she circles back after she returns great, if not then you have kept living your life.  It was only a few dates anyways no matter what words were said.

  Send the text sooner rather than later as it lets you move on from this that much sooner. 

 Lost

[jul-els]

49 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Perfect!  For you this puts a pin in it with nothing left for you to do but get on with your life and if she circles back after she returns great, if not then you have kept living your life.  It was only a few dates anyways no matter what words were said.

  Send the text sooner rather than later as it lets you move on from this that much sooner. 

 Lost

Excellent point. The sooner I reply, the sooner I can decide which direction I’m going. Done. Thank you.

[MissCanuck]

I think you are right, OP. She isn't that interested anymore. 

 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I think you are right, OP. She isn't that interested anymore. 

 

I agree -when my husband and I started dating again he knew he had to go on a trip and that we couldn't see each other for 2 weeks. So on the day we decided to get back together he reminded me about the trip and made a specific date for the Saturday night after he got back -the day after he got back.  Not everyone can do that so far in advance but many people do similar - I do - I just texted a new platonic friend who wanted to meet up this week "this week is crazy [gave reasons] but let's be in touch end of week/early next week" - I felt it was silly to pick a day because I don't want to have to cancel but I showed her she is a priority as a new friend (we've met once so far).  

I mirror.  I don't care if it's a game -sometimes we need -I need- external standards because otherwise I get too tempted to act in a way that's too eager/needy, etc.  If the person could have reached out and been reliable but didn't and then resurfaces randomly -I'm not going to jump to respond even if I "can".  By contrast I have a friend who is constantly flaking - promises of "I'll respond shortly" or "do you want to talk Friday after 1PM" then -bye bye. 

But we've been friends for 20 years, her husband has terminal cancer, she has 3 young kids and works. Sometimes it is annoying -it feels annoying -but I want to be supportive and she is always very sorry and overhwhelmed. 

Also she's proven she is reliable in the past. It all goes into it.  But a new friend who flakes or is lukewarm -I'll play a game and mirror if I feel tempted to respond to someone who isn't putting in the right efforts.

Also -keep in mind it's super easy to be "hot" for the first month and 6 dates.  So it's not that it's this huge about face but simply typical of early dating when people are deciding whether the beginning, while fun and exciting, should proceed into something more steady and potentially serious.

 

[jul-els]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I agree -when my husband and I started dating again he knew he had to go on a trip and that we couldn't see each other for 2 weeks. So on the day we decided to get back together he reminded me about the trip and made a specific date for the Saturday night after he got back -the day after he got back.  Not everyone can do that so far in advance but many people do similar - I do - I just texted a new platonic friend who wanted to meet up this week "this week is crazy [gave reasons] but let's be in touch end of week/early next week" - I felt it was silly to pick a day because I don't want to have to cancel but I showed her she is a priority as a new friend (we've met once so far).  

I mirror.  I don't care if it's a game -sometimes we need -I need- external standards because otherwise I get too tempted to act in a way that's too eager/needy, etc.  If the person could have reached out and been reliable but didn't and then resurfaces randomly -I'm not going to jump to respond even if I "can".  By contrast I have a friend who is constantly flaking - promises of "I'll respond shortly" or "do you want to talk Friday after 1PM" then -bye bye. 

But we've been friends for 20 years, her husband has terminal cancer, she has 3 young kids and works. Sometimes it is annoying -it feels annoying -but I want to be supportive and she is always very sorry and overhwhelmed. 

Also she's proven she is reliable in the past. It all goes into it.  But a new friend who flakes or is lukewarm -I'll play a game and mirror if I feel tempted to respond to someone who isn't putting in the right efforts.

Also -keep in mind it's super easy to be "hot" for the first month and 6 dates.  So it's not that it's this huge about face but simply typical of early dating when people are deciding whether the beginning, while fun and exciting, should proceed into something more steady and potentially serious.

 

I agree. I sent her a reply and she said she’d reach out when she’s back, so the ball is in her court now. My interest level is pretty low at this point, so she’s going to have to show some genuine interest for me to meet her again. I’m gonna leave it there and move on. 

[TacticalLinguine]

11 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Why do people do this?  Do they think the other won't notice you playing that "mirroring" game? 

She/he waited 3 days, 4 hours and 15 seconds to reply so I'm gonna do same. Ugh. 😀

Whatever happens with this girl, have to echo what Rainbows said..  

When you have to start playing games like this, you’ve already lost. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

It’s so bizarre to me how we all spend so much time calculating the clock-time between text responses to determine whether or not someone is into us - as if it were a magic 8 ball 

 

the advice given in this thread that I agree with is to continue living your life, detached from any outcome, and if she messages you when she’s back, cool. If not, that’s cool too. 
 

none of us here know what her true interest level is and you’ve got the added wild card if her being in the midst of a trip.  So, that changes things.   Just see if she reaches out when she gets back. Once you detach from outcomes in your life you will find the need to micro-analyze text messages becomes less and less necessary. The need to jump ship first before someone else does, isn’t so strong anymore. 

[Deadtoyouforever74]

Hot to cold? Was it really that hot to begin with?Maybe you were laying the melted butter on too thick begin with and she seen right through it. Lots of love bombing these days. 

She probably thinks you are a phoney bloany. She must have some sort of interest in you in to entertain conversations with you. 

Unless you are trying to trap her into to something she isn't ready for.  I dunno. Hard to read people's intentions these days and who not to trust.  Not everyone is a friend. 

[Kwothe28]

Yeah, replaying 4 days later is a bit much from her, I am sorry. Nobody is that busy that they cant shoot a single message saying that date should wait until she gets back from trip. She should have responded before and yes, her interest is probably not there if she hasnt. Now, there are people who would argue how "OMG she was busy and needs time to concise a proper message". Yeah, she could still do it in like 5 minutes, she doesnt need to put somebody on hold for that long and she is not that busy. Which is especially worrying when I think OP is 50+ and she is probably his age. She is mature enough to not put somebody on hold for 4 days.

Also in the camp where I dont think you should do the same to her too. What she does is a reflection of her character. What you do is a reflection of yours. Its fine to say how you lost interest too and message her to contact when she gets back. But you dont need 4 days to do it as well. If she is immature, you shouldnt be that. Just pass the ball in her court and see what happens.

Aside of just wording it properly, saying how she was interested and kisses, has she made some effort regarding you? Meaning, contacting you without you doing it first, organizing a date, maybe doing something nice for you? Because all I see here is an effort from your side. Flowers, dates, contacts. Not really much from her side. 

[jul-els]

10 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Aside of just wording it properly, saying how she was interested and kisses, has she made some effort regarding you? Meaning, contacting you without you doing it first, organizing a date, maybe doing something nice for you? Because all I see here is an effort from your side. Flowers, dates, contacts. Not really much from her side. 

No, it’s been pretty one-sided, which means it’s time for me to step aside.