Is There Hope After a Heart-Wrenching Loss?

[Jake N]

I'm a 32-year-old guy who got divorced four years ago. My ex-wife and only son live in the US, while I'm living alone in another country, far from friends and family. About a year ago, I started a new job in a management leadership role. In this new workplace, I met a 27-year-old female colleague. We struck up a friendship, but over time, it became clear that she was developing romantic feelings for me. I was hesitant at first, considering our age difference and my complicated personal situation. I had already shared with her about my past marriage and my son to ensure she didn't have any misconceptions.

Despite my initial reservations, our bond grew stronger. She looked up to me, often seeking advice and guidance. I admired her for her vulnerability and gentle nature. Eventually, I encouraged her to explore better job opportunities because I felt she deserved more than our current workplace. She didn't initially want to leave, but I began distancing myself to protect her from any emotional attachment to me. Eventually, she decided to quit the job, which was my intention.

After several months, she reached out to me once again. We began talking and eventually hung out. My intentions were always platonic, but during one of our encounters, she kissed me while she was intoxicated. Our phone conversations became deeper, and she shared more about her life with me. I listened attentively and offered support and advice. After a month, I took the chance and confessed my feelings to her. While she didn't immediately respond, I could sense that she had feelings for me too.

We started dating, and our connection was strong. We had common interests, including music, and shared emotional experiences from our pasts. She had ADHD and anxiety issues, but I did my best to provide emotional support and care for her. Our relationship was intimate, and we were compatible partners in various ways.

However, a pivotal moment occurred when she recognized the severity of her anxiety and decided to see a psychologist. Unfortunately, on the day of her appointment, we faced significant challenges. I was unwell with a fever, and it was raining heavily, causing us to arrive late. She blamed me entirely for the delay and accused me of intentionally sabotaging her appointment, even though it was beyond our control. This incident left me feeling disconnected from her and questioning her reaction.

Later, during a dinner, I was unwell and asked her to order something for me to eat. Instead, she was preoccupied with her concerns about the psychologist's session. This situation compounded my feelings of isolation within the relationship, making me wonder if she truly cared about my well-being.

I didn't express these emotions to her at the time but unintentionally showed resentment. I later apologized for my behavior. However, our intimacy seemed to diminish, and our connection became strained. During a subsequent encounter, she pointed out flaws in me that I hadn't noticed before. I calmly explained that I wasn't the person she described, but this left her feeling hurt.

As time passed, I found myself unconsciously interrupting her during phone conversations, and I avoided confrontations or arguments, as I disliked anger. Despite my inner turmoil, I continued to prioritize her happiness, even suppressing my own feelings. During her menstrual cycles, she became moody and irritable, saying hurtful things but later asking me to ignore it.

Despite these challenges, I remained committed to our relationship. I believed we respected each other and understood that no relationship was without its difficulties. I even asked her if she was tired or bored of me, as I had insecurities about my own perceived dullness.

In the third month of our relationship, I faced work-related stress and struggled to maintain emotional balance. Simultaneously, she was preparing for her GRE exam and grappling with mental health issues. We usually spoke every night, with most conversations centered around her and her emotional well-being. However, she started skipping our conversations, which heightened my emotional fragility.

I gently asked to meet her, but she didn't respond. Feeling ignored, I reached out persistently, which led to tension and ultimately a confrontation. We met, and the conversation was charged with her anger, sadness, and hurt. I expressed my feelings, shared my own issues, and encouraged her to open up about her thoughts and feelings regarding our relationship. She remained silent throughout.

Frustrated with our inability to communicate effectively, I suggested that we use physical intimacy as a means of understanding each other. We ended up having sex, and I believed that everything had been resolved. However, in the final week of that month, I continued to sense emotional distance. When I asked her if she was okay and expressed my need for emotional support and reassurance of her love for me, she reacted angrily, saying that I was the one who had grown unhappy and suggesting that our relationship had no future.

This confrontation ended with her breaking up with me over a call. I cried and pleaded but was met with her unwavering determination to end the relationship. In the second week post-breakup, I sent long messages, desperately asking for another chance or, if not, at least a conversation to gain closure. This only annoyed her further, and she partially blocked me.

In the third week, I resorted to getting a new phone number and tried a different approach, seeking a conversation to understand our situation better and saying goodbye on amicable terms. In the fourth week, she called me, feeling lonely. In my confusion, I forgot that we had broken up and comforted her as we did when we were in love. She reminded me that we were no longer dating and indicated that our conversations didn't signify a romantic relationship.

This unexpected call led to a misunderstanding, and she stopped contacting me again. When I called her once more, she asked me to respect her boundaries and work on rebuilding trust. However, she had already blocked me from several communication channels, leaving me with no means of reaching out.

Reflecting on the situation, I recognize that she is a good person, and I still love her deeply. I've made mistakes, some unintentional, and she's had her own struggles and insecurities. However, I'm struggling with the way our relationship ended, feeling like I was used and discarded without proper closure. I don't hold any resentment toward her; I simply want an opportunity to have a final conversation and part ways amicably, acknowledging our time together. I've been in pain since the breakup, unable to sleep, eat, or focus on work. She meant everything to me, and I want her to be happy, even if it means not being with me. The lack of closure and the way she handled the breakup have left me feeling hollow. I wish for the chance to see her one last time, talk, and create a final positive memory together. Is there any hope for this to happen?

[boltnrun]

"Closure" happens when you accept the relationship is over. It isn't anything that someone "gives" you.

As for "one last conversation", let's be real, you're hoping if she sees you in person she'll change her mind and agree to reconcile. In some cases that might happen but generally when someone blocks you and you feel the need to resort to subterfuge such as using a different phone number to attempt to talk to them, there isn't really any chance of that happening.

I'm sorry, this is probably very difficult to deal with on top of not living in the same country as your child. I would suggest you became especially attached to her because of the distance from your child. Do you have any family or friends in your current country? If not, I suggest taking steps to build connections where you live so you are not fully dependent on one person for your interpersonal interactions.

[Andrina]

If your plan is to get some time under your belt in this particular position in order to transfer back to the U.S. to be closer in distance to your child, then realize it's for the best this didn't work out, because as you say, it complicates your already complicated situation.

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Jake N said:

I suggested that we use physical intimacy as a means of understanding each other. I resorted to getting a new phone number and tried a different approach. I forgot that we had broken up 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately the breakup has been dragging out too long. She's already blocked you and trying to meet for makeup sex, probably won't help. Accept there were simply too many complications and incompatibilities and try to rebuild your life.

[catfeeder]

You were not used and discarded, you were both incompatible with one another. Be careful of the narrative you tell yourself, it will make or break your healing.

Challenge the idea that inflicting more pain on yourself will actually keep you connected to her, it won’t. It will just keep you miserable. You can opt instead to honor your connection through a goal of resilience, which can later reflect on the experience with appreciation for any valuable lessons learned rather than destructive rumination. Whether you want to use your intelligence to make healing easier or harder on yourself is entirely your choice.

Choose wisely.

[Cherylyn]

That ship has sailed.  It's over.  It's time to move on. 

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Jake N said:

I gently asked to meet her, but she didn't respond. Feeling ignored, I reached out persistently, which led to tension and ultimately a confrontation. We met, and the conversation was charged with her anger, sadness, and hurt. I expressed my feelings, shared my own issues, and encouraged her to open up about her thoughts and feelings regarding our relationship. She remained silent throughout.

Okay, I see some 'desperate' type behaviour from your end.  Unable to accept things as done.

 

4 hours ago, Jake N said:

In the third week, I resorted to getting a new phone number and tried a different approach, seeking a conversation to understand our situation better and saying goodbye on amicable terms. In the fourth week, she called me, feeling lonely. In my confusion, I forgot that we had broken up and comforted her as we did when we were in love. She reminded me that we were no longer dating and indicated that our conversations didn't signify a romantic relationship.

Did you seriously get a new number to contact her again?  That's so odd 😕 . Creepy almost.

 

4 hours ago, Jake N said:

I've made mistakes, some unintentional, and she's had her own struggles and insecurities. However, I'm struggling with the way our relationship ended, feeling like I was used and discarded without proper closure.

Don't expect closure from her.  What is it you want here? ( I assume her admitting she is done with this now?  You already know this much).

As an outsider of this, I see the whole thing as her struggling with her anxiety and you needing more attention and communication- which she failed to give.

 

4 hours ago, Jake N said:

I've been in pain since the breakup, unable to sleep, eat, or focus on work. She meant everything to me, and I want her to be happy, even if it means not being with me. The lack of closure and the way she handled the breakup have left me feeling hollow. I wish for the chance to see her one last time, talk, and create a final positive memory together. Is there any hope for this to happen?

No.  You have some issue's only YOU can work through.  You expect no more from her.

Sounds like you now suffer from anxiety.  Consider speaking to your doctor for something to help you out with this if it doesn't ease off in the next month?

 

Either way, she's not into dating you anymore and you have to accept and respectfully, leave her alone. You two gave it a try and it didn't work out.. it happens!

 

 

[Morello]

I got a sense that you acted a bit in a patronising way while avoiding conflict for your own good. The way you mention her mental health issues while mentioning yours as "work-related stress" and emotional imbalance stood out as well. It looks like you were "unwell" and expected her to care for you at a time when she needed caring for herself. Also, why did you kind of manipulate her to leave her work position? It's ok to tell her what you think, but from your account, it looks as if you did more than that.

Not at all portraying any of this as your fault, but it just shows huge incompatibilities in the way you both operated in this relationship. Also, due to your creepy behaviour after the break up, she's wise not to accept meeting again.

From your account, there's nothing there indicating she used and discarded you. If we get this from your account, I wonder what we'd get from hers.

Finally, "she reacted angrily, saying that I was the one who had grown unhappy". Perhaps she could sense that you were not really happy and "in this" as much as you think. Sounds like you both realised you were trying to fit a peg in a round role.

As others said, you'll get much more from reframing this short relationship in your own head (perhaps with the help of a counsellor or therapist) than from anything she could say to you.