Step family /autism

[LL1421]

35 minutes ago, Coily said:

There's an old saying: "familiarity breeds contempt."

As i see it there are a few things going on, your husband is trying a "tough love" mentality, as he is seeing your son in a more functional way than you are. He could be thinking that you are coddling your son, who is now an adult to your husband. From your perspective you are still wanting to protect your son from the adversity of his autism.

The question is how do you communicate to each other in a thought-provoking way, and not a response provoking way? Do you have a plan to help your son get out on his own, with support he needs? Or is that an option at all? Does your husband think your son needs a push in the right direction to help learn skills "the hard way"? Have either of you really listened to each other on this bone of contention, or do you just pick corners and stay mad at each other?

 

I think some of that is right , and he thinks he wont get anywhere whithout a push, and i think my son has got into a bit of a rut , bit husband doesnt see the panic attacks, he doesnt see that he cant process and remeber information or that he cant walk through an unfamilar door wothout me, that he just cant cope with people he doesnt know or do something without being shown a few times , and i wont put his mental health and even more risk than what it is, i beleive that he will find his way in his own time, just becausr he is now 18 doesnt mean he can go out a het a job like any where like any other 18 year old, he has limitations and they have to be met for him to succeed

[Coily]

12 minutes ago, LL1421 said:

 bit husband doesnt see the panic attacks, he doesnt see that he cant process and remeber information or that he cant walk through an unfamilar door wothout me, that he just cant cope with people he doesnt know or do something without being shown a few times

I think this right here is what you and your husband need to communicate with. As your Son is now 18, and out of the structure of the education system; your husband doesn't see these new challenges as clearly. It may be time to get him in the loop more with your son's struggles, as it's very easy to "not get it" until you witness it.

It may change nothing, but it would be worth considering for the sake of the marriage. Your husband may stick to his hard line, or he may try to work with you and your son more; but it requires you both to be in the same book.

I hope things take a positive change for you all.

[LL1421]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

I think this right here is what you and your husband need to communicate with. As your Son is now 18, and out of the structure of the education system; your husband doesn't see these new challenges as clearly. It may be time to get him in the loop more with your son's struggles, as it's very easy to "not get it" until you witness it.

It may change nothing, but it would be worth considering for the sake of the marriage. Your husband may stick to his hard line, or he may try to work with you and your son more; but it requires you both to be in the same book.

I hope things take a positive change for you all.

Have tried everything, when he does witness his troubles he says its all a put on , im fighting a losing battle at least thats how it feels

[Seraphim]

Just now, LL1421 said:

Have tried everything, when he does witness his troubles he says its all a put on , im fighting a losing battle at least thats how it feels

I would leave this circumstance as it is not good for you and definitely not good for your son who already has massive challenges in life . 
 

My son is one week from being 26. He works for me and has for 5 years. We were told by a psychologist 99% he would never work because his processing speed and working memory are both first percentile which means 99 % of people do better than he does in this regard. His intelligence is average , but overall he hits a 13% percentile of ability. He did do a few years of college but became quickly overwhelmed and had to pull out . He needs a next to no demand atmosphere or he can’t function very well. I suspect your son is similar . Being ridiculed for his disability won’t help. 

[1a1a]

Tell your husband if he can’t take your word for it that your son doesn’t have the self sufficiency of an average 18 year old and your parenting duties are not over yet, continuing the relationship will be unviable. How would he like to proceed? (Maybe have your ducks in a row for divorce in case he baulks at this boundary. )

[Tinydance]

Well first of all, I would try to get as many supports for your son as you possibly can. Can he receive any government payments or government assistance at all? I know that all countries are different but for example here in Australia you can get quite a bit of government assistance if you have a disability. You can receive a disability pension (if approved), can join courses for people with disabilities, job agency for people with disabilities.

I'm not actually saying this to minimise your son's struggles but I actually think that it can be a good thing for him to get some kind of skills, education or job. I actually worked as a disability support worker for ten years. Most of the people I worked with with disabilities pursued something that they could realistically do. Depending on their ability and skills and interests. They usually really enjoyed pursuing these hobbies or employment and so on. But most of the time they were in a supported environment. Such as working at a workplace for people with disabilities or at least where employers accepted them.

So in that sense I agree with you that mainstream college or jobs may not be right for your son. He needs as much support as he can get and to do something that he feels comfortable with and can easily do. There would be no point in him for example having a job where his panic attacks get worse. It needs to be something suitable for him.

I think because you work full-time, you are earning money and therefore allowed to spend money on your son. It's not like you don't work and just expect your husband to finance your son. It's actually your money in a sense because you earnt it. Maybe when your son can get some kind of job, he could pay you a bit more towards rent and bills. Right now he's not able to do that then that's not really his fault. 

However I do agree that it's good for your son to get out of the house and get involved in something. He's a young man so I imagine it's lonely just sitting at home alone and not going out or meeting people.

Your husband needs to be more understanding and supportive of your son. Even though it's not his child but he knew he was marrying a woman who came as a package with her son. So he can't just try to say it's not important to help your son or to help him out financially. Especially if he buys his son a lot so it's actually hypocritical.

[Batya33]

I have a friend whose niece is on the spectrum and in her 20s.  She has worked at a movie theater that specifically employs adults on the spectrum and I think teenagers -I really am not sure if it pays/what it pays -I do know it's been such an awesome experience for her.  I've donated to that theater as I love what they are doing for these adults.

[Seraphim]

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I have a friend whose niece is on the spectrum and in her 20s.  She has worked at a movie theater that specifically employs adults on the spectrum and I think teenagers -I really am not sure if it pays/what it pays -I do know it's been such an awesome experience for her.  I've donated to that theater as I love what they are doing for these adults.

That’s the secret, the employer has to be supportive of the Autistic employee and make it an environment they can work in. I wish society was more like that theatre. 

[tattoobunnie]

On 9/25/2023 at 4:25 AM, LL1421 said:

my husband says there is nothing wrong with him and its all excuses because he is lazy and i let it be like that

Wow. What an ableist POS.  He is dangerous to you and your kid.  If you can leave, leave.  It will only get worse.  He's like the Wicked Step Mother in Cinderella.

[Batya33]

Just FYI -someone on my FB posted about this organization/employer and it reminded me of this thread.  Sunflower Bakery - Caring is Our Main Ingredient