Step family /autism

[LL1421]

Ok, so i have one son living at home , husband has a son who comes at weekend, my son is 18 and has autism, he has struggled with college and finding work so at the moment isnt doing any so im looking into sending him to a speicialst college so he can get some quals, my husband says there is nothing wrong with him and its all excuses because he is lazy and i let it be like that, he wants him to pay towards the house which me and son have agreed that he will pay a token amount out of his DLA, but then husband goes mad if i buy him anything saying he has his own money. He spends over 100 a week buying whatever his son ,15, wants and said he will happily pay for his son for the rest of his life but not mine as he is just lazy and not his responsibilty. I dont want my son pushed out like this and im so angry and my husband xant even see why. Am i wrong?

[Seraphim]

I would leave a husband like that who feels it is ok to abuse disabled people . My son is Autistic and I would never allow that , period. 

[LL1421]

10 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I would leave a husband like that who feels it is ok to abuse disabled people . My son is Autistic and I would never allow that , period. 

He wouldnt get away with saying to my son or infeont of him, its me he says it all too and me who gets the abuse, no way would he be allowed to say that to my son 

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, LL1421 said:

He wouldnt get away with saying to my son or infeont of him, its me he says it all too and me who gets the abuse, no way would he be allowed to say that to my son 

Why would you tolerate abuse though? Children aren’t impervious to their parent being abused . 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, LL1421 said:

, he wants him to pay towards the house which me and son have agreed that he will pay a token amount out of his DLA, 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been married? Is it your husband's house from before marriage? Is this argument basically about money? Why is this suddenly an issue? 

If you are supporting you and your son and paying a fair share of your expenses, it's none of your husband's business.

How is your son's relationship with his father? 

[LL1421]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been married? Is it your husband's house from before marriage? Is this argument basically about money? Why is this suddenly an issue? 

If you are supporting you and your son and paying a fair share of your expenses, it's none of your husband's business.

How is your son's relationship with his father? 

Only been married 3 years, and the house is in both our names, i work full time and have basically said the same that if i want to spend money on my kids i will its nothing to do with him, my son has no relationship with his dad , 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, LL1421 said:

Only been married 3 years, and the house is in both our names, i work full time, my son has no relationship with his dad , 

Handle your finances and son as you see fit. It seems your husband doesn't want him living with you now that he's 18, but that's unrealistic. Tell your husband to mind his own business. Are there other arguments about money and who pays for what? 

[Seraphim]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Handle your finances and son as you see fit. It seems your husband doesn't want him living with you now that he's 18, but that's unrealistic. Tell your husband to mind his own business. Are there other arguments about money and who pays for what? 

I agree, your son , your money and also your house as well. The husband can take a hike . 

[LL1421]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Handle your finances and son as you see fit. It seems your husband doesn't want him living with you now that he's 18, but that's unrealistic. Tell your husband to mind his own business. Are there other arguments about money and who pays for what? 

No other arguments about money, plenty about other things, it just seems ti be if i get my son something he says he will never learn and get a job whilst im getting him things , he doesnt see his autism says thats just an excuse

[Seraphim]

Just now, LL1421 said:

No other arguments about money, plenty about other things, it just seems ti be if i get my son something he says he will never learn and get a job whilst im getting him things , he doesnt see his autism says thats just an excuse

Would he disrespect someone in a wheelchair? It is the same thing . Disability is disability. 

[LL1421]

2 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Would he disrespect someone in a wheelchair? It is the same thing . Disability is disability. 

I have said this to him

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, LL1421 said:

I have said this to him

Obviously he knew your son was disabled when he married you . It doesn’t disappear at 18. My son gets disability payments and he pays us a token amount of rent but I also sometimes get him things he needs. My son isn’t able to work, because of his processing speed and working memory which are almost non existent. 

[LL1421]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

Obviously he knew your son was disabled when he married you . It doesn’t disappear at 18. My son gets disability payments and he pays us a token amount of rent but I also sometimes get him things he needs. My son isn’t able to work, because of his processing speed and working memory which are almost non existent. 

Exactly this is why my boy is not working or at college, and i have said all this to my husbsnd but it falls on deaf ears

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, LL1421 said:

Exactly this is why my boy is not working or at college, and i have said all this to my husbsnd but it falls on deaf ears

It may be time to jettison him from your life . 

[Lambert]

What were the conversations around the children before you married?

I would talk to him about what we're going to do about this. Its alreay impacting the marriage, but before it ruins it. You should be a team addressing things as "ours" with each of you taking the lead with your own child, but supporting each other. 

I think I'd be pretty disappointed in my spouse, if it were me and I'd have to evaluate what I need to happen to stay in the marriage. 

As Jackie O famously said, "If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much." 

As your spouse, your husband should have more compassion for your child.  He is after all your child, not some stranger. love me, love my kids. 

[Lambert]

15 minutes ago, LL1421 said:

Exactly this is why my boy is not working or at college, and i have said all this to my husbsnd but it falls on deaf ears

this is not partnership. 

[LL1421]

Before we were married he wouldnt dare say anythibg to me, as soon as feet under the table and we married it all changed

[LL1421]

2 minutes ago, Lambert said:

this is not partnership. 

I know, and it feels far from that 

[Batya33]

I understand he’s not saying this to your son but he’s being abusive to you - and I’m sure your son senses it. Your son cannot take on the typical responsibilities of an 18 year old because he has a disability.  Have you shown your husband the reports and documentation of his disability that I would think describes challenges or differences in daily living skills and or his ability to function at a job - or not ?

I mean this as a last ditch effort because he’s acting like a boor.  I doubt he’ll read or believe it but then you can confirm how bad it is. If you need this. 
He married your family particularly your son. Especially since he knew this in advance. 
My friend has an 18 year old with autism who has very limited ability to work.  He goes to a day program. She and his dad separated a few years ago. A couple of times now she’s flown to my hometown (I don’t live there anymore) where her daughter lives. She takes her son but needs a caregiver to be with him if she needs any uninterrupted alone time with her daughter.

It’s hard for her ti travel by plane with her son. I really want to ask her - even if the dad works full time why the heck isn’t he setting up a caregiver for his son at home so she can go for this 4 day visit without having to scramble for a caregiver in a strange city?? Each time I found someone but it’s not easy to find someone who can and wants to do this job and it’s not inexpensive. 
IMO. You need someone who gets it. My in laws RIP were disabled and my husband had to spend lots of time and $$$ flying to our hometown to help them sometimes in a moments notice and while we had a baby at home who I solo parented at these times. I knew all of this before we married.

 

It was really hard but I never told my husband to abandon his parents or get them substandard care or let them fend for themselves.  They were my family too - I loved them -and I pitched in as I could either by holding down the fort at home or visiting my MIL for hours in hospice etc. you marry into a family for better or for worse. 

[Seraphim]

1 hour ago, LL1421 said:

Before we were married he wouldnt dare say anythibg to me, as soon as feet under the table and we married it all changed

Then he married you under the auspices of lie , not telling you who exactly he was. He is ableist and lied to you about it . 

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, LL1421 said:

Before we were married he wouldnt dare say anythibg to me, as soon as feet under the table and we married it all changed

this is really sad and says a lot about the person your hubs is.

Do you feel like he did what he needed to do to get you to marry him? 

Do you have a pre-nup?

[LL1421]

25 minutes ago, Lambert said:

this is really sad and says a lot about the person your hubs is.

Do you feel like he did what he needed to do to get you to marry him? 

Do you have a pre-nup?

No . No pre nup, my husband is a bit jakyl and hyde, hr can go from being nice to horrid, i do feel he hid alot of himself away before we married

[Seraphim]

7 minutes ago, LL1421 said:

No . No pre nup, my husband is a bit jakyl and hyde, hr can go from being nice to horrid, i do feel he hid alot of himself away before we married

So he is an abuser then. I would speak to a lawyer about divorce . 

[Lambert]

47 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

So he is an abuser then. I would speak to a lawyer about divorce . 

I agree... Be quiet about it as you get ready.  Then tell him after your exit.

save yourself and your son.  it stinks, but you'll regret staying in the long run.

[Coily]

There's an old saying: "familiarity breeds contempt."

As i see it there are a few things going on, your husband is trying a "tough love" mentality, as he is seeing your son in a more functional way than you are. He could be thinking that you are coddling your son, who is now an adult to your husband. From your perspective you are still wanting to protect your son from the adversity of his autism.

The question is how do you communicate to each other in a thought-provoking way, and not a response provoking way? Do you have a plan to help your son get out on his own, with support he needs? Or is that an option at all? Does your husband think your son needs a push in the right direction to help learn skills "the hard way"? Have either of you really listened to each other on this bone of contention, or do you just pick corners and stay mad at each other?