Should I ask her on a date or wait?

[Pikachu]

Hello everyone,

it’s been a while since I’ve met someone that I actually like, but one month ago it happened again :). I was on a party and I met a girl who is the sister of the girlfriend of one of my best friends. We talked a lot at the party (1-2 hours) and she laughed a lot. So everything was going fine. At one point one of her friends came to talk with her and mentioned did she seemed to have a very good time talking to me. All positive signals, but I heard her (the girl I want to date) saying that “she isn’t ready for a new relationship”. Apparantly she just (it ended end June) came out of a toxic relationship where she was cheated on multiple times. 
 

The day after the party I texted her and she replied enthusiastic but took some time to reply. In the next 2 weeks we texted a bit, but the initiative only came from my side.

 

2 weeks ago the texting increased a lot, while she was out with a mutual (girl) friend, she text a lot and told me she was at a bar. I went to say hi, offered her a drink and we talked for about 30 minutes before she had to go. The day after she initiated the conversation per text and we texted a lot.

Last week the conversation per text ended at some point. I wanted to know if she would initiate contact, so I didn’t text her for 2 days. Fastforward to last sundayevening where she sent me a text and asked how my weekend went etc. She then continued to text a lot and seemed interested in me.

Now the most important question, should I ask her out? It’s clear that she is interested in me, but because she told her girlfriend she wasn’t ready for a new relationship I don’t want to rush things and blow my chances for a date.

Sorry for the long post, but what do you guys think? Should I wait and try and meet her with mutual friends around or ask her on a date?

[Capricorn3]

54 minutes ago, Pikachu said:

 but I heard her (the girl I want to date) saying that “she isn’t ready for a new relationship”. Apparantly she just (it ended end June) came out of a toxic relationship where she was cheated on multiple times. 

The day after the party I texted her and she replied enthusiastic but took some time to reply. In the next 2 weeks we texted a bit, but the initiative only came from my side.

Now the most important question, should I ask her out? It’s clear that she is interested in me, but because she told her girlfriend she wasn’t ready for a new relationship I don’t want to rush things and blow my chances for a date.

I think asking her out at this stage risks you being a rebound.  I know if I just ended a toxic relationship such a short time ago, I definitely would not be wanting to date anytime soon (but that's just me).

That said, I guess the only way you will find out is to ask her and see what she says.

[MrMan1983]

1 hour ago, Pikachu said:

Now the most important question, should I ask her out?

Yes. Before someone else does. The chips will fall how they fall with regards to whether you become a rebound or not, so as long as you're going in with your eyes open and are fine with that unknown.

[Kwothe28]

Unpopular opinon: Lots of those "I am not ready for the new relationship" are just excuses. If they are liking you enough, they wouldnt care and they would at least give you a chance. If they are not, well, then excuses start. "OMG I am not ready for a new relationship" and such.

She likes you at some level as she is making contact with you. Ask her out on a date and see what happens.

[Capricorn3]

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Unpopular opinon: Lots of those "I am not ready for the new relationship" are just excuses. If they are liking you enough, they wouldnt care and they would at least give you a chance. If they are not, well, then excuses start. "OMG I am not ready for a new relationship" and such.

^ I have to admit I was thinking that too.  Many times it's an excuse to "let them down easy" - like "thank you, but no thank you".

[Pikachu]

I will ask her thisb

Just now, Capricorn3 said:

^ I have to admit I was thinking that too.  Many times it's an excuse to "let them down easy" - like "thank you, but no thank you".

Indeed, but she didn’t say it to me. And we only knew each other like 2 hours at that point. The fact that she shows interest in me, initiates contact. She also talks sometimes in future tense like “you havent seen that part of me yet ;)”. I’ll ask her out this weekend. I just hope I don’t blow my shot by asking her out too soon

[Capricorn3]

1 minute ago, Pikachu said:

I will ask her thisb

Indeed, but she didn’t say it to me. And we only knew each other like 2 hours at that point. The fact that she shows interest in me, initiates contact. She also talks sometimes in future tense like “you havent seen that part of me yet ;)”. I’ll ask her out this weekend. I just hope I don’t blow my shot by asking her out too soon

Good luck, OP. I hope it works for you. 🙂

[MrMan1983]

15 minutes ago, Pikachu said:

I will ask her thisb

Indeed, but she didn’t say it to me. And we only knew each other like 2 hours at that point. The fact that she shows interest in me, initiates contact. She also talks sometimes in future tense like “you havent seen that part of me yet ;)”. I’ll ask her out this weekend. I just hope I don’t blow my shot by asking her out too soon

Exactly, she's putting herself into your orbit for a reason and women say stuff like that to their mates all the time. Your job now is to set the date, and it's never too soon it's best to strike whilst the iron is hot.

[NUNA]

Ask her and get an answer .. dont waste time and energy 

just do it 

[SooSad33]

I suggest you leave her be in any other sense than a 'friendship' level.

Why bother complicating anything here, when you already know she is NOT ready to get involved again.

She is only a cpl mos out of a messy relationship 😕 .  She has nothing to give at this time.

Let her heal and be with her friends, with no pressures. 

[Pikachu]

Alright, maybe I should wait a bit more

[MrMan1983]

3 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

I suggest you leave her be in any other sense than a 'friendship' level.

Why bother complicating anything here, when you already know she is NOT ready to get involved again.

She is only a cpl mos out of a messy relationship 😕 .  She has nothing to give at this time.

Let her heal and be with her friends, with no pressures. 

I understand where you’re coming from however personally I slightly disagree with this. OP risks missing out on a potential good match by being too slow to act when she’s showing signs of interest.

She can always just say if she’s not interested like that or feeling any sort of pressure, they’re both adults.

He doesn’t really have a lot to lose by seeing as you never know, sometimes things work out and they might just click (or maybe they don’t, but least he’ll know). 

[MrMan1983]

49 minutes ago, Pikachu said:

Alright, maybe I should wait a bit more

If she keeps showing obvious signs of interest you might as well shoot your shot, you’re only getting to know each other after all it’s not that deep. Just keep it light. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Ask and go slow

Follow her lead

Keep expectations low

[Pikachu]

Update: she stopped replying on my latest 2 “messages” while she always did in the last weeks.  Haven’t heard from here since thursday. Well I guess I’ve got my answer. Thanks for the advice, hopefully one day I’ll find someone who likes me back 🙂

[Kwothe28]

Sorry to hear that. Oh well, look at it from the other side: At least now you know the answer. You could have lost weeks, even months there. So now when you know answer you can move on to next one without wandering "What if". 

[NighttimeNightmare]

On 9/14/2023 at 12:25 AM, Pikachu said:

I wanted to know if she would initiate contact, so I didn’t text her for 2 days.

 

3 hours ago, Pikachu said:

Update: […] Haven’t heard from here since thursday.

 

 … so you can disappear but she can’t? 
 

She mentioned she wasn’t ready for a relationship anyhow. But I wouldn’t be shocked if she pops back up. If she does, I’d just go with the flow and treat her like a casual acquaintance.  However, if you enjoy the convo with her and want more, take the chance and ask her out since it seems that’s what you were after anyhow: romance as opposed to a casual friendship. No use playing text tag if that’s the case 

[lostandhurt]

This isn't over in my opinion.  She is a friend of a friend right?  That is good so keep that in mind.

 When she contacts you again or you see her again be ready.  Have some sort of thought out thing in mind to say to her.

If it is by text then say "Texting is great but I really enjoyed talking to you in person, lets meet for coffee and talk"  Notice how I phrased it? I didn't ask her out I made a statement. "Lets meet for coffee"

If you run into her chat her up and then use something similar about how much you enjoy talking with her.

In the meantime let the friend of a friend know subtly you are interested in this woman and let the grapevine do the work.

 Hesitation almost always ruins chances.  If you had asked earlier and she said "Sorry but I am not ready to date after my last relationship" at least she knows you want to date her right?  Then one day you will be on her mind when she IS ready....  

The thing about asking or not is this:  No matter if you ask or not it does not change the answer.  Waiting doesn't change the answer either.  An extra week or two wouldn't have mattered.

 Hang in there and hang out with the same circle of friends so you can increase your chances or bumping into her.

 Lost

[Pikachu]

Thx for the replies, if I hear from her again I will try to get to the point and ask her out. 

[MrMan1983]

3 hours ago, Pikachu said:

Thx for the replies, if I hear from her again I will try to get to the point and ask her out. 

Yep do this. It doesn't take many over texts for people to get bored of texting sometimes so best to just pull the trigger if the opportunity is there.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Pikachu said:

Thx for the replies, if I hear from her again I will try to get to the point and ask her out. 

That's ok. Just keep it on the back burner for now and stay in light touch.

[smackie9]

Don't hover in her orbit if you are going to wait. To be more desirable is to be less available. It keeps you out of the friends zone. Don't let this girl suck you into thinking there's going to be something at the end of the rainbow.