I want him back but he moved on

[Sher_sher]

My ex and I have been off and on for the past 10 years. We never dated anyone else, even when we were “off.” We made a commitment to each other that we will be together fully when we both get our lives in order. Well, I got mine in order and I’ve been waiting for him to do the same. A couple of months ago we were talking about moving out of state and starting our lives together finally. That’s when he dropped a bomb on me. He started seeing someone! He didn’t even have the respect to tell me! I found out through someone else. He is still with her and I’m left holding onto our broken dreams. We also have a 9 year old son together. I feel like my life is upside down. Everything I wanted for my future is gone. The worst part is that all of a sudden, he is just so cruel to me. I love him and I still want to be with him.  How do I get him to realize the mistake he is making and get him back?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Sher_sher said:

My ex and I have been off and on for the past 10 years.  He started seeing someone! . We also have a 9 year old son together

Sorry this is happening. How is your coparenting arrangement? Does he have custody and visitation? Is he paying child support? 

When you mention on/off for 10 years, have you ever been a couple or lived together as a family?

What exactly do you mean by getting your lives in order? Do you both work? Have a place to live?

Unfortunately even though you haven't been dating others until now, it seems that there was no exclusive arrangement.

Was he cheating? How did you find out? How often were you seeing each other?.

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Sher_sher said:

We made a commitment to each other that we will be together fully when we both get our lives in order.

That is not how it works, that is not how any of this works lol

You guys separated because something didnt worked. Just because you had some high-school level agreement how you wont date somebody else during separation(I say high school because I equate it with those high schoolers that go to college but promise they would end up together when they get back from college), doesnt mean one side wouldnt do it. He clearly met somebody else and moved on. Now I dont condone him not telling you. Nore even breaking a deal because again, he clearly should have told you that he would if he met her. Its just that, it was not realistic to expect that he would when you were clearly separated. If I would bet, I would say the whole "we wont date anyone until we get our lives in order" was your idea. And that he just went along with it.

That being said, there is nothing you can do to "get him back". He is clearly gone and moved on from you. Best you can do for yourself and your life to get it in order, is to move on. That means full separation with child custody agreement and everything that goes with it.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Sher_sher said:

I’m left holding onto our broken dreams.

I don't mean to be unkind, but if you two couldn't make it work after 10 years, it was never going to happen. It wasn't wise to promise to be together at some nebulous future point, and you shouldn't have agreed to that. 

2 hours ago, Sher_sher said:

How do I get him to realize the mistake he is making and get him back?

It's presumptuous to declare this a mistake on his part. For him, it's evidently not a mistake and as disappointing as it is, you need to accept that. The bigger mistake was you waiting around for years for him. 

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry.  That ship has sailed.  It's doubtful to get him back as he has since moved on.  The best you can do at this point is co-parent.

[Capricorn3]

12 hours ago, Sher_sher said:

 How do I get him to realize the mistake he is making and get him back?

It's way too presumptuous to tell him he's making a mistake.  You need to learn to accept that he has found someone new and is moving on.  You can't get him back if he doesn't want to go back to you.  He's chosen to move on and it's best you do the same.

[boltnrun]

How has all this back and forth impacted your son? I hope for his sake there has been consistency regarding time spent with his father, financial support, etc. 

Your ex meeting someone else isn't a "mistake". He has made a choice. Yes, it would have been nice if he told you he was in a relationship with someone else. But he didn't, so unfortunately you have no option but to accept his choice. 

[SooSad33]

On 9/13/2023 at 12:41 PM, Sher_sher said:

My ex and I have been off and on for the past 10 years. We never dated anyone else, even when we were “off.” We made a commitment to each other that we will be together fully when we both get our lives in order. Well, I got mine in order and I’ve been waiting for him to do the same. A couple of months ago we were talking about moving out of state and starting our lives together finally. That’s when he dropped a bomb on me. He started seeing someone! He didn’t even have the respect to tell me! I found out through someone else. He is still with her and I’m left holding onto our broken dreams. We also have a 9 year old son together. I feel like my life is upside down. Everything I wanted for my future is gone. The worst part is that all of a sudden, he is just so cruel to me. I love him and I still want to be with him.  How do I get him to realize the mistake he is making and get him back?

Sorry for your pains 😞 .  Feels like a real kick in the teeth...

BUT, I feel things died off a long time ago with the two of you.  It has been 10 yrs off and on, and those types of relationships are one's that should have been done Completely a long time ago!

Re: Him - it ticks me off that he led you on for this long - very selfish behaviour 😕 .

Re: You - you were 'stuck' in a fantasy state by his words, not actions.

IF things were going to be truly okay with you two, you would have had it together by now.

Sounds like he has just misled you for too long, which is unfair.

Reality speaking, this relationship has been done for a long time now.  Yes, you were left with your 'hopes'.  

Now, it is time to work on 'accepting' this.  I suggest some prof help ( therapy), to work through your challenges in this, as it's been a long time of 'hopes'. 

So often, we do sit on these hopes, but it's not reality.  And with this off and on type thing, it can be damaging.  Sadly, often after the first break up, things may never be the same or as strong between a couple.  - which made it that much easier for him to move on.

Again, I'm sorry for your pains... but be respectful, best you can and expect nothing more from him.  it should ALL be about your child now.  ( No more expectations).

Get out there and live your own life again.  hang with friends/family.  Have a hobby or sport you like?  Get into it, get some air, take a walk, etc. Keep busy to get your mind off him.

TC, one day at a time.

 

[KellyR]

I'm so sorry darling- I'm in a similar position after 10 years, except that we were in a committed relationship this whole time. 

On 9/13/2023 at 7:41 PM, Sher_sher said:

How do I get him to realize the mistake he is making and get him back?

I THINK (and honestly I'm not sure either) your best bet is to keep living and make your life as great as possible. If he wants to come back to that, great. I don't think trying to convince him with words will work- at least it hasn't really worked for me. I think it just pushes them away further. 

[Lambert]

On 9/13/2023 at 12:41 PM, Sher_sher said:

How do I get him to realize the mistake he is making and get him back?

It would probably be easier to realize you are making a mistake trying to hold on to him.