Challenging to get back on track.

[Loka56]

Hello everyone. 

My life is going good. There are ups and downs, but I am able to tackle them well. 

But what I am struggling with is no passion at work (I guess that's appropriate to say). I am struggling with staying consistent with my schedule and getting done what I have said I'd get done. 

I was always a highly disciplined girl who used to take on more responsibilities after getting familiar with the current one (you know, when a change finally becomes a habit). I always used it as a part of getting evolved. 

I was in med-school, and in mid of my degree, I started doing well in the tech field. 

I used to work so hard at the beginning of my twenties. (Just to mention, I was suicidal back then when I used to work so hard). 

Now, I am like a lazy bump. I have been asking myself this question, 'Why am I getting like this with time?' and here are the reasons I came up with. 

1. I always wanted to be a homemaker in the future, with a big family. In my teens, I prepared myself for exactly that.

But what happened is I learned the hard way that money is the only power I could have as my family can never support me because they have nothing. The world is harsh, and to protect myself, I need power. And money is power. 

This mindset worked well when I broke off my first engagement. I worked my ass off to become the strongest. But now, it is not working. Why? 

a. I have a home hence, I will always have a place to live. 

b. I am just simply okay with my current financial status. 

2. The second reason could be I always had a sword up my head that I would get kicked out, my tuition fee wouldn't be paid, and I needed to work hard to be strong. This was the burning desire: No one will help ever, I am on my own. Now, I don't have this sword up on my head. 

Plus, the man I am marrying is capable of keeping me as a homemaker. 

But he and I both know that what makes me so loveable is my calmness, and I earned it on the path of becoming financially strong on my own. 

I am working fine, but not as efficiently as I used to. I go to co-working spaces or coffee shops every now and then, and on those very specific days, I work a bit well (a boost in productivity). 

But I want a better purpose. I don't know how to get there. Right now, when I ask myself what excites me the most, I get the answer 'leaving good people behind' though this is so close to my heart, and I know what it means for me, but I am not working with all my heart towards it, and it makes me guilty. Any thoughts? Perspectives? 

 

[Batya33]

Isn’t your purpose to be a full time parent and raise a child or children ? Can that be your purpose ?

[catfeeder]

I’m not sure what leaving good people behind means to you?

[Cherylyn]

Depends on many levels and factors.  If your fiance can be an excellent provider meaning not having to pinch pennies in order to survive,  being a full time parent,  of course,  is ideal and optimal especially during infancy,  babyhood and preschool years.  Some parents even prefer to be home for their school age children.  It is very rewarding to stay home so you can watch your kids grow up.  Not everyone can afford  that luxury though.  Many mothers don't have a choice because bread 'n butter takes top priority.  Most mothers work to put food on the table and a roof over their heads.   

Keep in mind,  daycare is very expensive and after working,  you don't have much profit after paying for daycare for one child or more children.  You'll have to weigh if it's worth it monetarily. 

I've known some women to work,  pay for daycare and whatever was leftover went towards some of the grocery bill and they needed the benefits if their spouse was self employed without benefits. 

Think of your occupation.  Is it the type of occupation where you can put it on pause and resume the same or similar job later or will it be too difficult to catch up and will it not look desirable to have blank years on your resume?

I agree,  money is definitely power.  Economic independence is great.    It's great never needing a man for  survival.  It's a highly attractive trait to be strong and financially independent.  It's great to make it on your own.  The added financial security gives peace of mind.  Supplementing income boosts standard of living significantly,  saving more money every month is a wonderful perk and I can't think of anyone who doesn't enjoy success and prosperity.

 

[Loka56]

I work remotely and have a freestyle schedule. I can plan my day independently the way I want. I earn in a different currency than what we use in our country, which makes me able to support my mom's house expenses, my younger sibling's tuition and other expenses, and able to afford luxuries. 

This was a very good thing destiny rewarded me with. I stay at home, I go out on co-working spaces once in a while because change brings a good boost in productivity. 

@catfeederWhen I was 12, I had this realization: leaving good people behind is the best thing. I grew up seeing my mom helping people who were in despair. My eldest sibling turned out to be the same, and other siblings, including me, also have the same quality. People come to us, share their worries, and we help them in any possible way. 

When I was suicidal, the idea was that I had a light in me that needed to be in this world to make it a bit easier for other people to help me stay alive. 

The man I am marrying he can keep me as a homemaker. And maybe these good times are what make me lazy as I have never experienced it in the past. I always worked with a sword over my head; maybe not having one is what makes me lazy. 

I don't know how to excel in good times, and I don't know what to do about it. 

@Batya33 Yes, being a homemaker is what USED TO BE my purpose when I was a teenager. But I learned it a very hard way that I have to be financially strong. Now, I don't want to leave this power at any cost. It just doesn't feel right after learning it through what I went through. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Loka56 said:

Yes, being a homemaker is what USED TO BE my purpose when I was a teenager. But I learned it a very hard way that I have to be financially strong. Now, I don't want to leave this power at any cost. It just doesn't feel right after learning it through what I went through. 

I understand.  If it helps here is what I did.  I wanted and needed financial independence. So after grad school -I switched careers at age 25 and had to go to grad school to do so - I paid off my loans then at age 30, single, no kids -started saving/building a nest egg working in an intense more than full time position for 15 years (including the time I was paying off loans for 3 years) - I figured since I did want to be a full time parent for far longer than maternity leave if I married a man who was financially independent like me but yet needed a second income, I could contribute from my nest egg.

I was not particularly interested in being a homemaker -meaning the cooking/cleaning parts of it -I wanted to be a full time mom and not put my child in daycare if possible. I'd worked in daycares, been a nanny, taught young kids as part of my first career and I did my utmost and knew I wanted to be a full time parent at home.

The man I married and had our son with did not need me to provide financially -but it made me feel a lot more independent to contribute so I did for the 7 years I was raising our son (I was the primary caregiver) -I didn't pay for "half" (after all I had the job of raising our son - we saved $$$$ on child care - and I don't relate to your notion of being "kept as a homemaker" -no one "kept" me or wanted to) - I felt that at least I was also contributing financially.  After 7 years I returned to work part time in my field.

I also did 95% of the cooking/cleaning but my husband insisted -and I agreed -that we have a twice monthly cleaning service -at least - which we had for over 10 years, until the pandemic.

That to me is an alternative.  I know of no other women who did it the way I did -meaning saving for years even when single with this is a plan and goal - but I didn't marry or become a mom till age 42 which obviously was on the late side but let me amass a nest egg.

The rest of what you wrote as far as your self insight and awareness is what I see you strongly believe and I don't have much to add -I'll let others who might, respond!

Good luck!

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Loka56 said:

When I was 12, I had this realization: leaving good people behind is the best thing.  The man I am marrying he can keep me as a homemaker. 

How are the wedding and living together plans coming? Has your mother/family accepted it yet?

You seem to be quite torn about this as well as whether your husband expects you to be a housewife or to continue working.

Perhaps it's the phrasing, but what exactly does "leaving good people behind" mean and why is this thought from childhood upsetting you now?

Try to speak clearly honestly and directly with both your mother and your husband/future husband.(in another thread you claimed you have a provisional "marriage", but need your mother's approval to make it official).

[Loka56]

41 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You seem to be quite torn about this as well as whether your husband expects you to be a housewife or to continue working.

He is okay with whatever I decide. He already have three housekeepers, which makes my responsibilities a bit less. I am going to manage the kitchen on my own, because I want my family to be healthy and I know what makes a healthy meal. 

Hmmm. I will try to find something to stay motivated at work. 

Opportunities comes to those who stay prepared for that, and I want to be financially independent. I was just struggling with my progress and productivity at work. Took break, tried multiple things, still can't catch things up. 

[Loka56]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I understand.  If it helps here is what I did.  I wanted and needed financial independence. So after grad school -I switched careers at age 25 and had to go to grad school to do so - I paid off my loans then at age 30, single, no kids -started saving/building a nest egg working in an intense more than full time position for 15 years (including the time I was paying off loans for 3 years) - I figured since I did want to be a full time parent for far longer than maternity leave if I married a man who was financially independent like me but yet needed a second income, I could contribute from my nest egg.

I was not particularly interested in being a homemaker -meaning the cooking/cleaning parts of it -I wanted to be a full time mom and not put my child in daycare if possible. I'd worked in daycares, been a nanny, taught young kids as part of my first career and I did my utmost and knew I wanted to be a full time parent at home.

The man I married and had our son with did not need me to provide financially -but it made me feel a lot more independent to contribute so I did for the 7 years I was raising our son (I was the primary caregiver) -I didn't pay for "half" (after all I had the job of raising our son - we saved $$$$ on child care - and I don't relate to your notion of being "kept as a homemaker" -no one "kept" me or wanted to) - I felt that at least I was also contributing financially.  After 7 years I returned to work part time in my field.

I also did 95% of the cooking/cleaning but my husband insisted -and I agreed -that we have a twice monthly cleaning service -at least - which we had for over 10 years, until the pandemic.

That to me is an alternative.  I know of no other women who did it the way I did -meaning saving for years even when single with this is a plan and goal - but I didn't marry or become a mom till age 42 which obviously was on the late side but let me amass a nest egg.

The rest of what you wrote as far as your self insight and awareness is what I see you strongly believe and I don't have much to add -I'll let others who might, respond!

Good luck!

This is interesting. Thank you for sharing 🙏😊

[Loka56]

50 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How are the wedding and living together plans coming? Has your mother/family accepted it yet?

We have planned things but there are many uncertainties. My mom has accepted the idea and making some progress, but she is taking her time. 

My sister is behaving like my father used to behave, not stating her problems/issues and throwing tantrums. I don't have much in my hands. Just waiting for things to settle. 

My mom has met his family and likes them too. 

[tattoobunnie]

21 hours ago, Loka56 said:

Perspectives? 

Wow...please don't take any offense whatsoever, but have you ever been tested for ADHD? Your post is a sounding board of symptoms of having ADHD.  The rejection dysphoria; the disinterest, the all or nothing thoughts.  Coffee actually letting you chill and work.  Being diagnosed will honestly help with adulting and life.

For me, work till you don't have to or it doesn't make sense.  Never rely on one source of income.

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, Loka56 said:

@catfeederWhen I was 12, I had this realization: leaving good people behind is the best thing. I grew up seeing my mom helping people who were in despair. My eldest sibling turned out to be the same, and other siblings, including me, also have the same quality. People come to us, share their worries, and we help them in any possible way. 

When I was suicidal, the idea was that I had a light in me that needed to be in this world to make it a bit easier for other people to help me stay alive. 

The man I am marrying he can keep me as a homemaker. And maybe these good times are what make me lazy as I have never experienced it in the past. I always worked with a sword over my head; maybe not having one is what makes me lazy. 

I don't know how to excel in good times, and I don't know what to do about it. 

I understand and can appreciate this, and I think we can help by discussing various ways to set private goals where you can incorporate helping people or animals or your community into your life and your work as a motivator.

What I still don’t understand is the phrase itself. Why leave anyone behind when you can coexist with them, instead?

In other words, the phrase sounds like the goal is to exit rather than to continue your participation. Subliminally, it’s a continual instruction to your brain to leave, to consider people as being behind you instead of in front of you.

So making a minor tweak to this mantra as being a work still in progress rather as completed, you’re done, now go and leave people behind….

See the difference?

[lostandhurt]

There is a huge difference between what you WANT to do and what you HAVE to do.

I never thought in a million years I could tread water for 7 hours straight until one day I HAD to. 

When you were younger you felt like you HAD to do all the things you needed to do because they were life or death to you, pure survival but now you are comfortable and it is what you want to do.  You simply have a choice.  Self motivation and I mean pure self motivation without any outside stimulus is a wonderful trait that some are born with and others learn and master.  This is where you are now.  You know you can do it but you simply choose to put it off, distract yourself with other things or drag your feet.

 We get paid for work because it isn't something we would choose to do 5 days a week every week.  Not all assignments will be exciting or challenging but you have a responsibility to your employer and possibly your work team. 

  Working from home or freestyle employment is not for everyone just like online classes aren't for everyone.  My son for example needs the structure of the classroom, labs and lectures to keep him focused on the task at hand and his goal.  There are far to many distractions in our lives and it is easy to wonder off the path and waste hours and hours.

 I have known many where their jobs were their lives and I would often tell them "I work to live, not live to work"  What are you passionate about? (non work related)

Lost

[Loka56]

On 9/7/2023 at 1:55 AM, lostandhurt said:

Self motivation and I mean pure self motivation without any outside stimulus is a wonderful trait that some are born with and others learn and master. 

This makes complete sense. I am going to be focused on finding my way to get things done and become disciplined without needing any sword over my head. 

 

Thanks everyone, for your insights. 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Loka56 said:

This makes complete sense. I am going to be focused on finding my way to get things done and become disciplined without needing any sword over my head. 

Thanks everyone, for your insights. 

You can create your own sword or reward for just about anything.

Set a goal, impose a penalty if you don’t meet your deadline, and set a reward if you do meet it.

 You can do this with a bunch of subtasks toward a larger goal. When you reach that goal, give yourself a whopper of a reward.

[lostandhurt]

8 hours ago, Loka56 said:

This makes complete sense. I am going to be focused on finding my way to get things done and become disciplined without needing any sword over my head. 

 

Thanks everyone, for your insights. 

Excellent!  There are motivational speakers, books, podcasts, seminars and all sorts of resources out there but in the end it all comes back to you.  I have a great sense of accomplishment kind of feeling when I complete a task.  Sometimes complex sometimes mundane but feels good to me to check it off my list.

  Do you have goals?  Life goals?  Career goals? Are you working towards anything that is important to you?

 Lost

 

[Loka56]

6 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Do you have goals?  Life goals?  Career goals? Are you working towards anything that is important to you?

Sadly, I no longer have any goals.

When I was 16, I had goals to accomplish, but they were so tiny that I luckily accomplished all of them in the last year. 

Now, I really need to work on what I want to do with my life. 

My goals were 

- paying off all the debt I had taken to pay my university tuition fee

- getting a good job that I want to work on 

- getting my youngest sibling into the best school

- providing my mom and me with the healthiest lifestyle

- getting a home for us 

Four years ago, these things were so hard and far-fetched for me to accomplish. 

Unfortunately, my dad never supported me, in fact, he hated me and made everything I did so difficult that I would want to stop. But it turned out to be a favor. I became so strong and tough. I was engaged with someone of my age when I was in my teens. He insulted me a lot in money matters. e.g., I can't do and say anything because I am dependent. 

So, the time I saw with my dad+ex made me so angry (I guess anger is the right word) that I left my desire to be a homemaker and get a high-paying job. 

The desire was so strong, and I was so focused on 'becoming the best-skilled person in my field' that I pivoted in my field so early. 

Within 3 years of doing the job, I accomplished all the goals that I had. Maybe not having a goal target to work towards is what makes me this lazy. 

Another thing for reference: 

I had no idea that I would find a man who I would want to marry. With that thought, marriage wasn't in my plans. I used to work from home. As soon as I completed my degree, I decided to meet and befriend people in my league. 

For this, I joined a coworking space. There, I got to know a man who is in the top ten percentile in the pool and observed him for around 2-3 months silently. Gathered information about him from other tenants of the coworking space and then decided to propose to him. Though getting married wasn't in my plans before, once I found a good match, I decided to just do it. 

---

Now, I don't know what kind of goal should I set for myself. I have potential; I knew it from an early age, and I want to utilize all of it and see what more can I do.

I learn different languages and Islamic geometry art and cooking, and test different daily routines to find different things that work for me. 

[Batya33]

For now I think it's perfectly acceptable if your goal is to be productive each day in some way and do a small or large kindness.  To hydrate sufficiently, eat some healthful food and move your body. I don't think you need to force yourself to have any other "goals" -I think if you live a reasonably healthy and reasonably productive life those larger goals will either become more apparent or you will be out there proactively exploring.  Learning is great whether through interacting with people, reading, etc.  So is getting out of your comfort zone on a regular basis.  

[itsallgrand]

This is a totally different thought....are you in love? 

I ask because there are times that sometimes people get wrapped up in the cozy wonderful feeling of being in love and some complacency sets in for a bit. People can gain weight, neglect their work a bit, fall into a bit of slumps simply because they are enjoying being in love and possibilities there.

My step dad used to always say life is a big chunk maintenence and a small percent of new exciting things. The maintenence is what gets most people! It can be boring, repetitive, but it prevents so much extra work down the line.

You know how to struggle and progress, but maintaining momentum to maintain could be a new challenge. There's lots to be gained in that. Things like patience, enjoying something for its own sake, slowing down to enjoy what you have.

Congrats by the way on your mom being happy having met your spouse. I'm happy for you! 

[Loka56]

56 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

This is a totally different thought....are you in love? 

I guess you are right here. I was discussing the same question with my husband, and he said, 'you are just high in love rn, just go easy on yourself you will find your way. It is possible that things that never worked for you before might work now.' 

58 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Congrats by the way on your mom being happy having met your spouse. I'm happy for you! 

Thank you so much. 😊

[lostandhurt]

Here is a word I want you to think about frequently.  BALANCE

Having balance in your life is really the key to joy and happiness.  Once you have happiness in your soul then life is so much more enjoyable no matter what might be happening at the moment. Balance your efforts towards goals with living a good life is important.

 Goals are important but they are just milestones along your path.  You have accomplished a lot at a young age and even though you were driven by anger and the "I will show you" mentality it served you well.

 Now you are free to choose but this isn't just about you any longer.  What dreams do you AND your husband have?  Having shared dreams/goals brings couples together as they strive towards them but it is important for each of you to have individual goals/ aspirations as well. Figuring these out or at least a path will help you so much.  Don't get too caught up in trying to come up with the perfect plan, just get started in that direction and let it come to you as time goes on.  You have to be able to pivot once in a while as life changes come along. You reached your goals fast and then you were like "Now What?" Well new goals and dreams is now what.  You are doing great as you are aware and reflective, not ignoring it but asking questions.  Good on you

[Loka56]

5 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Here is a word I want you to think about frequently.  BALANCE

Having balance in your life is really the key to joy and happiness.  Once you have happiness in your soul then life is so much more enjoyable no matter what might be happening at the moment. Balance your efforts towards goals with living a good life is important.

 Goals are important but they are just milestones along your path.  You have accomplished a lot at a young age and even though you were driven by anger and the "I will show you" mentality it served you well.

 Now you are free to choose but this isn't just about you any longer.  What dreams do you AND your husband have?  Having shared dreams/goals brings couples together as they strive towards them but it is important for each of you to have individual goals/ aspirations as well. Figuring these out or at least a path will help you so much.  Don't get too caught up in trying to come up with the perfect plan, just get started in that direction and let it come to you as time goes on.  You have to be able to pivot once in a while as life changes come along. You reached your goals fast and then you were like "Now What?" Well new goals and dreams is now what.  You are doing great as you are aware and reflective, not ignoring it but asking questions.  Good on you

Thank you so much. It is helpful.