Can she be trusted??

[Guillean]

Some context: I've been with this girl since January and have been official for 4 months now, we are both 36 and are "still" very much in love, we met while i was living over her city and now i have to travel back and forth for work to another city for a couple weeks at a time, it all began a couple months ago when we went to a wine event with one of her work male friends and his date, it was all good but we all ended up pretty drunk and she got very touchy and kissy with this guy in front of me, we had a fight and eventually worked it out with the condition she proves she is not talking with him anymore, to do so she said she would have her phone with no password so i can check whenever i wanted, and so one day I did...

 

It happened over this week, we got together to celebrate 4 months of relationship, and i saw her phone, i found no text of the guy, but.. i found more.. 

First, She had a text from instagram from a dude from like a month ago telling her he woke up horny and wanted to cuddle, she repplied so happy that he reached out to her and that it would be very nice to do so.. and then no more text, the guy kept talking to her but i saw no repply from her..

 

Then another Instagram chat with some guy from november 2022, it was a full 5 hour session of sending nudes back and forth (i was disgusted but thought well that was before she met me.. but only a month or 2 before) and then i remembered she had told me when we first met she hadn't been with any man for a period of over a year before we met, so this time period was off.

 

And finally another chat from whastapp from November-December 2022 as well but this was sordid i saw at least 8 months of her being treated like a ***, having phone sex, sending nudes, watching porn together, the guy even telling her he wanted him and 2 of his friends to f..ck her and cum on her and she was ok with it. As far as i saw this was all just long distance, but still.. I was in shock and said nothing but she knew something happened cause i was very silent..

2 days went by and i confronted her with this she showed me her phone and surprise the whatsapp chat with that guy was gone, however she had a text from him with another number from the same day we were together last time, saying hi and why wont you answer? 

 

So my suspicion was that when she decided to have her phone password free she was still talking to him but deleted texts with him when got together.. but forgot to.delete the old one i saw.. 

 

She said she met him over instagram during the pandemic (3 years ago..) and that they never got together it was all over the phone and pc.. which for me is very hard to believe.. she swore that she never talked to him again after we first met but i dont know if i can trust her anymore, the worst part is I've treated her like a princess and very respectfully and loving but now i feel like i lost all respect for her, to treat her like that after what i saw which was sickening, makes me feel like im treating a low value and integrity person like a queen.. and I still love her but dont know if i will overcome this and if I can trust her anymore, specially since we are appart for periods of time..

 

So what do you think..? What should i do? Im very heartbroken and confused right now.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Guillean said:

 have been official for 4 months now. we met while i was living over her city and now i have to travel back and forth for work to another city for a couple weeks at a time, 

Sorry this is happening. How well do you really know each other?  Do you live and work in her city now?

Unfortunately the drunken episode was inappropriate but once people are rifling through each other's phones, the trust and relationship is basically over.

As far as the nature of the content you came across from years ago, is she a sex worker?  Try to find out more about each other, but not through rifling through phones. 

[Coily]

Sadly the trust is broken in this relationship, and that is nearly impossible to repair.

Her conduct on her phone is less about what she did, and more about when. If all of this stopped when you became exclusive, then take that into consideration.

I would advise against letting that spurious "sex worker" comment getting too much into your head. For some people sexting is a thing when they are lonely.

Overall 4 months is a very short time to date someone, and you are starting to see the crack around the edges of who someone is, and what you can and can't tolerate.

[Guillean]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How well do you really know each other?  Do you live and work in her city now?

Unfortunately the drunken episode was inappropriate but once people are rifling through each other's phones, the trust and relationship is basically over.

As far as the nature of the content you came across from years ago, is she a sex worker?  Try to find out more about each other, but not through rifling through phones. 

We know each other quite well, our relationship is "still" about long term and commitment to each other and right now i work in another city but travel back and forth to see her every one or two weeks.

I understand it is wrong to go into other people's phones, however i did had suspicions starting from the wine episode and honestly i prefer doing it once to really know whats up and make and informed decision rather than living in oblivion for years in a relationship with someone not knowing their true character.

And finally no, she's not a sex worker or has been as far as i know but I dont think so... 

[Guillean]

5 minutes ago, Coily said:

Sadly the trust is broken in this relationship, and that is nearly impossible to repair.

Her conduct on her phone is less about what she did, and more about when. If all of this stopped when you became exclusive, then take that into consideration.

I would advise against letting that spurious "sex worker" comment getting too much into your head. For some people sexting is a thing when they are lonely.

Overall 4 months is a very short time to date someone, and you are starting to see the crack around the edges of who someone is, and what you can and can't tolerate.

I think you're right, it's more about "when" it happened, the thing is she says it all stopped when she met me but as i explained in my post it was very weird to see the guy still talking to her almost one year after she supposeddly stopped everything with him, right after i left, the last day i was with her, saying hi and why no reply? and from another number, seeing no previous text, which tells me they have been keeping in touch during all this time and all she does is delete the conversation when i show up.. but i dont know it is just my gut feeling.

[Coily]

One generous way to look at the "Hi, why no reply" is that she hasn't responded in a while to his wanting to continue the sexting routine.

That said, if your gut is screaming at you for this situation, listen to it. You are unsettled by her behavior in a face to face situation, and finding more that makes you uncomfortable.

The question for you, is how is the relationship otherwise? Are there other things your gut is telling you is off about her and/or your relationship?

[Dollface417]

It sounds like your girlfriend is an attention seeker. I can tell you are a good man and really want to resolve the issues in your connection. Her making out and engaging with another man in that manner was very disrespectful to you and your relationship and it shows how much she doesn’t respect you. She showed her real side when she was engaging with this “friend” of hers because of the liquor. Once you went through her phone your trust for her went out the window. Why? Because you saw with your own eyes who she really is. And when a person shows their truest side believe them. After confronting her she lied to you about the timelines because she likes the idea of being with you, but is not healed or ready for a commitment of this level with anyone. If she was that drunk to realize that she was doing all of this in front of her partner she’s definitely a serial cheater and can’t commit because she likes an over abundance of attention. I don’t want to give you any negative thoughts im just being honest from a woman’s perspective 

[Guillean]

15 minutes ago, Dollface417 said:

It sounds like your girlfriend is an attention seeker. I can tell you are a good man and really want to resolve the issues in your connection. Her making out and engaging with another man in that manner was very disrespectful to you and your relationship and it shows how much she doesn’t respect you. She showed her real side when she was engaging with this “friend” of hers because of the liquor. Once you went through her phone your trust for her went out the window. Why? Because you saw with your own eyes who she really is. And when a person shows their truest side believe them. After confronting her she lied to you about the timelines because she likes the idea of being with you, but is not healed or ready for a commitment of this level with anyone. If she was that drunk to realize that she was doing all of this in front of her partner she’s definitely a serial cheater and can’t commit because she likes an over abundance of attention. I don’t want to give you any negative thoughts im just being honest from a woman’s perspective 

Thank you for your insight, it is very painful and difficult to me right now since it is all very recent, im still very confused about things with her.. but what you say makes a lot of sense and it helps a lot.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Guillean said:

 her work male friends and his date, it was all good but we all ended up pretty drunk and she got very touchy and kissy with this guy in front of me, 

How did his date react? This seems quite rude to both of you. Does she still work with him? 

[Guillean]

26 minutes ago, Coily said:

One generous way to look at the "Hi, why no reply" is that she hasn't responded in a while to his wanting to continue the sexting routine.

That said, if your gut is screaming at you for this situation, listen to it. You are unsettled by her behavior in a face to face situation, and finding more that makes you uncomfortable.

The question for you, is how is the relationship otherwise? Are there other things your gut is telling you is off about her and/or your relationship?

Well the relationship is quite important for both of us, it is very loving and commited from both sides and have plans for a future together. 

However there is one previous episode that connects with the wine event and her "friend" from that day.. 

We met in January and by March we were still not official but supposedly exclusive, she had a birthday from a coworker at a bar and i Was in town but not invited, she went there with other work friends icluding this guy, we texted during the afternoon, she got there by 4 pm and by 12 am she was still there so i can imagine she and her friends were very drunk, this on Friday and she stopped replying to me by 1 am and didnt hear from her until sunday, no repply or answering the phone at all, by sunday she wanted to get together the next day for lunch and she broke up with me saying that during the weekend she had a family crisis and it gave her panic attacks so thats why she was unresponsive and that it caused her to want to be alone (we eventually talked and got back together a few weeks later)

So you can imagine that was a very weird excuse to break up and after what i saw her do with this guy friend from work in the wine event I remembered he was at the bar that day in March and if she drinks and acts like that with him in front of me, imagine drinking for 8.hours with him and me.not being there and then dissapearing and breaking up with me.. it was pretty obvious for me but she always denied it.

[Guillean]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How did his date react? This seems quite rude to both of you. Does she still work with him? 

They work in different offices but in the same area, when the hugging and kissing happened it was after a while of her ignoring me and him ignoring his date, and when it happened my face was shocked and so was his date, she looked at me worried and said easy it's ok she's drunk.. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Guillean said:

 i found no text of the guy, but.. i found more.. 

These chats you uncovered reveal that you don't really know much about her. They sound a lot like only fans type content rather than sexting with a coworker.

Interestingly much of the context was before you met. How did you meet? What made you decide to pursue a distance situation?

Is she extremely attractive and sexual? Otherwise you could have ended it after the drunk and flirty episode alone, but instead opened a Pandora's box of sexchats.

Unfortunately at this point all you know from these phone findings is that she has or has a life you don't know much about except that she gets drunk and brazenly flirtatious. 

[LootieTootie]

Talk about skeleton in the closet... Look, your relationship is still new (4 months) and even if you're in love with her, the longer you stay, you're going to unearthed more skeletons. I think you know that too.

This is a 36 year old woman who is most likely an attention seeker or/and sex addict with probably some underlined issues that played a huge part to why she's like this. You need to ask yourself if you want more of the same in the next 4 months, next year, next 5 years... This is her and you are not her 'savior' - you're just a bystander stumbling by, perplexed at her behavior and always questioning her. This isn't an ideal relationship for anyone so please, while its still early, just cut her off and give yourself the opportunity to heal and find a better person for you.

[Batya33]

46 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Talk about skeleton in the closet... Look, your relationship is still new (4 months) and even if you're in love with her, the longer you stay, you're going to unearthed more skeletons. I think you know that too.

This is a 36 year old woman who is most likely an attention seeker or/and sex addict with probably some underlined issues that played a huge part to why she's like this. You need to ask yourself if you want more of the same in the next 4 months, next year, next 5 years... This is her and you are not her 'savior' - you're just a bystander stumbling by, perplexed at her behavior and always questioning her. This isn't an ideal relationship for anyone so please, while its still early, just cut her off and give yourself the opportunity to heal and find a better person for you.

I agree -also seems like quite a bit of drinking/activities focused on drinking -particularly at her age?

[Kwothe28]

Quote

Can she be trusted??

Could be just her past getting to her. She was single so if she wants to get bukaked by other men, she could do it.

On the other hand, would you trust somebody like that, and that they wouldnt do something like that when they are with you? Maybe when she gets mad at you and wants some attention from others? Especially because she doesnt mind to do that kind of behavior even when you are there. After "wine colleague" there was multiple others you discovered that text her very freely. And that was just the ones you found out about, who knows what she deleted before she opened her phone for you. If you continue to date her you would have to know there are a pretty good chances this will continue happening. Especially when you are away and if relationship is not satisfying to her.

[shouldhavelearned]

Move on

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Guillean said:

she got very touchy and kissy with this guy in front of me, we had a fight and eventually worked it out with the condition she proves she is not talking with him anymore, to do so she said she would have her phone with no password so i can check whenever i wanted, and so one day I did...

First of all, imo, one should NOT have a need to go thru one's phone at all. Especially only 4 mos in!  I dated a guy and only went thru his pone once, after 5 years- as I assumed he was cheating- which he was, so that was done.

Also, I don't feel this is any 'true love', not yet.  More of a fascination.  You two barely know each other yet, by sounds of it.

And obviously, you don't know her at all, as you've taken a peek into her past via her phone to see all she's done .. before you?

Yah, I can't see this going much further. you're obviously quite concerned and sounds like trust isn't there at all. I wouldn't be too happy either seeing that type of behaviour in front of me!

Then be done with it all.

 

[Cherylyn]

My answer would be no,  you can't trust her.