Gf wants her mom to move in with us. Any advice?

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Yeah it's one thing if both equally are on board with it. It's another to be told.

We have already agreed we would be willing to take in my SOs dad if he ever needs or wants it. But that's because I have a strong relationship with him already, he'd never ask for it unless it was truly necessary (end of life, serious illness). So it would not put me out at all, I'd be honored to be there in that situation. 

 

That’s the thing, it is hard, even when everyone is willing. But when you’re told you’re doing something or not even considered, that’s a total no. 

[JDMxTeGrA101]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So basically you two will live upstairs and the mother would potentially live downstairs? Does your GF know you're not happy about the mother moving in?

Yup she knows I’m not too excited with her coming but without the mom, my gf wouldn’t be where she is today as she says. The mom did everything for her and sacrificed a lot for her when she was younger.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, JDMxTeGrA101 said:

Yup she knows I’m not too excited with her coming but without the mom, my gf wouldn’t be where she is today as she says. The mom did everything for her and sacrificed a lot for her when she was younger.

As do many parents and as do we.  Doesn't mean the child has to repay in this way -especially since it affects you too to a significant extent.  I loved my inlaws and -nope- never ever would have wanted to live under the same roof.  Same with my own parents -and my mom is easy to be with and sacrifced a lot for me -she is 88 -and nope. My husband and I did and do a great deal for our families.  Doesn't mean sharing living space needs to be part of it.

I'd start now to look to move out and if things change in the future you two can share a home again.  

(As far as you being told -is it because she pays most of the bills?)

[tattoobunnie]

My family has sponsored about 50+ families over the decades to bring people to the US.  The fact they you automatically think she stinks, you may want to reconsider the relationship.

[boltnrun]

Applying for a green card isn't just a simple process. I doubt you want to harbor an illegal immigrant so I would look very closely into what is involved.

You know for a fact she is at least going to be with you for six months. Since you can't stop it from happening, are you prepared to just accept it?

[Kwothe28]

She stays there for less then 6 months because her Visa expires in 6 months. If she does stay more she can get send back and banned from entering ever again or in some time(like 10 years lol). If she enters on a 6 month Visa and then applies, think she needs to get back to her own country until they process new request. Because its another thing to visit and another to stay permanently. Americans arent really keen on immigration no matter how hard they cry because of "The Wall" and stuff like that. She gets visiting Visa because she is a senior citizen and there is no risk for her to stay for work because she probably has a pension and her own place back home. So they count she needs to get back in her own country. But if she would want to stay, that is an entire different procedure. That, again, dont think she can do while visiting. 

I did help one old Lady for Visa in my country. So I know how procedure goes. So I dont think she would get that, at least in a way your girlfriend thinks. And in any case, its asinine for you to have her mother live with you permanently. She is controlling and you will but off every day probably. Its a bad idea overall and you should not agree to that.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, JDMxTeGrA101 said:

Yup she knows I’m not too excited with her coming but without the mom, my gf wouldn’t be where she is today as she says. The mom did everything for her and sacrificed a lot for her when she was younger.

Well it's seems you understand the culture and personal family dynamics. As far as the probably of the mother staying as a resident and living there. Your best source of information is the immigration department of your country and an immigration attorney in your jurisdiction.

[SooSad33]

7 hours ago, JDMxTeGrA101 said:

The mom is in her 70s and at the moment we have no kids but I feel like we will be taking care of a big kid. The thing about her mom is that she doesn't work or anything so we will have to support her financially. My gf doesn't mind buying her stuff all the time either but we have mortgage to pay and we like to take vacations every now and then, and also eat out a lot. I feel like it's going to hit us financially aswell. Also, I feel like date nights will no longer be there since my gf would probably bring her with us everywhere we go.

Another thing is she still treats my gf like a kid like tells her what to do, gets mad if she didn't listen to her etc.. I also feel like she gets into people's business easy. I feel like I won't be comfortable in my own home with her living here but I made sure to tell my gf know that I don't want her mom touching or moving my stuff around when she's here as she does that with my gf's stuff. Another thing I feel is we will no longer have privacy with her here.

 

Yup, you're right, in ways of lack of privacy.. BUT, is good she has some comforts down below, where she will reside.

As for your 'date nights', that should really stay as is.  No reason to drag mom out all the time.. Should be some 'their time' and ' your time'.

Either way, it's a transition type thing and YOU are a little anxious.  But, try not to.  But give a little benefit of the doubt 🙂 .  she will be there a while, you know this and obviously, your gf does want mom to reside with you's... I guess not much you can say about that fact, lol.  And the fact that this does happen to many, and elder ends up with you, yup.

As you're already aware, will take some time & process to have her actually 'move' there with you's.  so, for now, take it all with stride.  Work on accepting the fact that mom's coming for a good while .  And try to be respectful and communicate your feelings eg. you do hope you can still keep your date nights for yourselves, etc. 

[JDMxTeGrA101]

8 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Applying for a green card isn't just a simple process. I doubt you want to harbor an illegal immigrant so I would look very closely into what is involved.

You know for a fact she is at least going to be with you for six months. Since you can't stop it from happening, are you prepared to just accept it?

Yes I have no problem with her living with us for 6 months to see how things go and see if we get a long

[JDMxTeGrA101]

3 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

 

Yup, you're right, in ways of lack of privacy.. BUT, is good she has some comforts down below, where she will reside.

As for your 'date nights', that should really stay as is.  No reason to drag mom out all the time.. Should be some 'their time' and ' your time'.

Either way, it's a transition type thing and YOU are a little anxious.  But, try not to.  But give a little benefit of the doubt 🙂 .  she will be there a while, you know this and obviously, your gf does want mom to reside with you's... I guess not much you can say about that fact, lol.  And the fact that this does happen to many, and elder ends up with you, yup.

As you're already aware, will take some time & process to have her actually 'move' there with you's.  so, for now, take it all with stride.  Work on accepting the fact that mom's coming for a good while .  And try to be respectful and communicate your feelings eg. you do hope you can still keep your date nights for yourselves, etc. 

Thanks for this advice. Yes I’ll try my best to make her feel welcome but will probably discuss boundaries with my gf and her.

[Tinydance]

I remember all your previous posts. I get the sense that for some reason you can't say no to your girlfriend? I remember you saying very clearly that you didn't want your girlfriend's friend and daughter living with you. You thought the daughter was a rude bratty teenager and you didn't think it would work out. Which is exactly what happened! But for some reason you felt like you couldn't say no? Why? This is also your home, you own it. Also you are a couple so to me it makes sense not to have other people in the house? In particular the mother, as she wouldn't be contributing financially.

I understand that in some cultures it's very customary to take care of elderly parents. However you have been living in the US and there I don't think it's common to have your parents living with you. I think you've already been very accommodating that her mother stays with you for six months at a time. I don't see why she actually has to live with you. I guarantee you that if you're not getting along with the mother, it's not going to go well. At all. Your girlfriend already ended the friendship with her friend but she won't just drop her mother. So quite likely it's you who would have to go.

Just be more assertive and stop agreeing to everything that you don't actually want to agree to. Say the mother is welcome to keep visiting but she can't live with you. If she stays for six months that's literally half a year. That's already very generous as it is!

 

[MissCanuck]

Again, I will ask: did you girlfriend discuss this with you first, or did she unilaterally decide her mom was moving in and told you about her plan? 

[JDMxTeGrA101]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Again, I will ask: did you girlfriend discuss this with you first, or did she unilaterally decide her mom was moving in and told you about her plan? 

She did discuss it with me before buying the house with me but didn’t know she was doing it right away or serious about it

[MissCanuck]

22 minutes ago, JDMxTeGrA101 said:

She did discuss it with me before buying the house with me but didn’t know she was doing it right away or serious about it

So in other words, this was mostly a unilateral plan on her part. 

What did you say to her when she first discussed it before buying the place? 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, JDMxTeGrA101 said:

She did discuss it with me before buying the house with me 

All you can do is let her handle the immigration situation and you can configure the house for her stay in a way that optimizes the living situation.

She did inform you upfront about her plan before you bought the house together, so unfortunately the time has come but sooner than you hoped.

She does pay most of the mortgage and she stated she'll financially support the mother and absorb those costs.