8 months sober. 8 months post break up. 8 months of the curse of clarity.

[bison67]

My ex left me for someone else 8 months ago cause of my cheating, drinking, drugs, and lack of care for life. She immediately got into another relationship. This moment changed me forever as drinking has messed up my life and opportunity as long as I can remember. I put her through terrible times and do not blame her one bit. I am 31 years old and own a successful fitness business and I was living a pretty two faced life. 

I am now sober 8 months and she is with the new guy and I am still stuck very in love with her. While logic says let go my heart simply doesn't want to and says one day she will see the new you. We live in a town of 30,000 and every time I see her out it is like a knife through the heart and I feel ill never get use to it. Leaving the house every day takes courage now and it is so hard to not think about her 24/7. My love for her is what got me sober, I didn't get sober for her, I did it cause of her for myself and to stop hurting others. Every day feels like punishment now and I simply cannot forgive myself for losing the best person I have ever spent time with. 

Being my sober and true self for this long shows me just how much of a great fit I am for her and how wrong this new guy is. Our social circles are very intertwined and nobody is a fan of the new guy and thinks she has settled for a "safe" option, these are not my words. I just can't stop loving this person and feel so stuck cause so much of my life is good and amazing right now yet one piece my heart desires is missing. I will forever hate the alcoholic in me for hurting the best woman I have ever known. It seems the only way to move on is to move from here and lose everything I have worked so hard for. Even now sober life is tainted by the ghost of her around every corner. She lives less than 1 mile from me. My heart says wait and my brain says leave. I am very confused and so sad she will never see the true me free from drugs and alcohol. 

I know if I ever got the shot again I would make the most of it and be the best man I can be for myself and her, but either way I am never drinking again. I am proud of how far I have come. I just really am exhausted by being this in love and this weighed down by regret.

 

 

[Kwothe28]

I dont think just you being sober means you got to have another chance with her. With your whole behavior you drove her away from you. That is what matters. Other man is irrelevant there. Even if he isnt in the picture, you might not get another chance there, sober or not. 

You need to understand that you probably hurted her dearly. And that there is no coming back from that. So its best for you to just slowly push toward acceptance that its over. You maybe cant mend your mistakes. But you can make sure they dont happen again with some new person. That is why we do changes in our lives. Not for other people, but for ourselves. Congrats on beng sober. Hope you stay that way and turn your life in better direction. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Sober yes, mental clarity no.

From reading this you need to think of some therapy options, reading some reference materials, getting some hobbies, and making some new friends.

 

Quit suffering with this sadness and move on. 

[bison67]

1 hour ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Sober yes, mental clarity no.

From reading this you need to think of some therapy options, reading some reference materials, getting some hobbies, and making some new friends.

 

Quit suffering with this sadness and move on. 

I am doing all those things. We just seem so tied together still cause of our social circle and town. It really is wearing me down. I don't know if there will ever be a day I can see her and not desire her like I do now. Being sober now and knowing I'm the best man for her crushes me.

[SooSad33]

7 hours ago, bison67 said:

My love for her is what got me sober, I didn't get sober for her, I did it cause of her for myself and to stop hurting others.

Good for you! 🙂 .  We live and we learn, so keep it up .

Commend yourself again, should you continue this path in another 8 months!

As for her, she needs to come to see your 'change' on her own.  Whether she may choose to reach out or possibly just come to realize she does not fancy alcy's now 😕 .  Either way, it's a learning experience for sure.  I get it .

So, keep on as you are and keep striving and staying strong, now that you do realize the negative impacts of alcohol.  And should this continue to lay heavily on you re: her, maybe consider some prof help?  Therapy is good for assisting us in 'working through our issues'.

I also find journaling helpful. Every time I feel like reaching out, I write it down and i repeat often.  I find it's another way of 'venting' my thoughts etc. 

And it has not been a whole lot of time since this all came to an end, only 8 months now?  So, the feelings of 'loss' are still present.  It's okay, feel them and deal with them.  You just need some more time. - and is best to NOT try and run into her anywhere.  Instead choose a diff route, so you can work on accepting what is and moving on with your life.

One day at a time.  TC

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, bison67 said:

Being sober now and knowing I'm the best man for her crushes me.

I don't mean to be unkind, but this is an increidbly presumptuous and egotistical thing to say. 

You don't know better than her who is best for her. You no longer know her heart and mind, and even if it's not this man, it's a pretty big leap to to assume you are the best option out there for her. Maybe this new man is the safe option - and so what? It's her prerogative to choose that, if that is what makes her happy. Whether you or her other friends aren't a fan of his is irrevelant. 

While it's great that you are clean and sober now, and I applaud you for making it this far, there is no un-doing the past.  That hurt and pain will stay with her forever, so while she might praise the sober version of you, the best choice (for her) is to start with a clean slate with someone else. Someone who hasn't hurt her that way before, regardless of whether that behaviour was driven by substances or not. The pain is the same. 

Concentrate on your sobriety. Acceptance that this relationship is over will come with time. Keep moving forward. 

[tattoobunnie]

12 hours ago, bison67 said:

I'm the best man for her

Congrats on being sober.  You aren't the best man for her.  She doesn't want a two-timer.  The best man for her is what she wants, not what you think she should want.

Focus on your sobriety.

[bison67]

4 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

Congrats on being sober.  You aren't the best man for her.  She doesn't want a two-timer.  The best man for her is what she wants, not what you think she should want.

Focus on your sobriety.

What I mean is in finally living the way she always wanted me to as a healthy and honest person. Our friends agree too. I guess time will tell but right now my heart says to me be patient and focus on being sober. Things unfold as they should. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, bison67 said:

What I mean is in finally living the way she always wanted me to as a healthy and honest person. Our friends agree too. I guess time will tell but right now my heart says to me be patient and focus on being sober. Things unfold as they should. 

Yes but it doesn't mean that she will then want to be with you again.  Congratulations on your sobriety!

[Lambert]

Great job on your sobriety! 

I think the best thing you can do is just continue on your recovery. It's ok to still love her, but put it aside for the time being.  

You're just starting your journey and new life. You've gained a new perspective for yourself and that is where your future lies.

We all have the coulda, woulda, shoulda aspects of life, but we can't go back. All we can do is move forward with new, better choices. 

It's ok. Yes. If you get a chance with her or another great woman, you'll do better.  Because you know better. 

Chin up. If you can move forward and stay sober for 8 months, you can continue to grow and improve your life.  Don't let the bad aspects of the past hold you back.

[Wiseman2]

On 3/21/2023 at 7:44 PM, bison67 said:

 I have been sober since December now one exception where I got loaded and called her a bunch and texted/emailed her until she got her new cop bf to call me...that was my rock bottom 

Please continue whatever it takes to maintain your physical and mental health and sobriety. Please let go of her, especially after the police had a chat with you about her. 

Try not to make your replacement addiction an obsession with her. The last thing you need is a restraining order. 

[bison67]

On 8/2/2023 at 4:59 PM, Lambert said:

Great job on your sobriety! 

I think the best thing you can do is just continue on your recovery. It's ok to still love her, but put it aside for the time being.  

You're just starting your journey and new life. You've gained a new perspective for yourself and that is where your future lies.

We all have the coulda, woulda, shoulda aspects of life, but we can't go back. All we can do is move forward with new, better choices. 

It's ok. Yes. If you get a chance with her or another great woman, you'll do better.  Because you know better. 

Chin up. If you can move forward and stay sober for 8 months, you can continue to grow and improve your life.  Don't let the bad aspects of the past hold you back.

Thank you for the kind wording. It really made me feel ok about everything. I’ve come a long way for myself. I’m going to keep on this path no matter what. 

[Lambert]

12 hours ago, bison67 said:

Thank you for the kind wording. It really made me feel ok about everything. I’ve come a long way for myself. I’m going to keep on this path no matter what. 

good for you!

don't let one narrative define you.  multiple things can be true at the same time. It's a life skill to learn to focus on what you can do and what you can change and turn away from what you can't.

Things outside of your control like other people can be upsetting. of course they can, we all have those things.   but practice giving them less of your time and attention.

Old sayings like "beating a dead horse" and "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" while both amusingly use horses, are also important pieces of advice.

We block our blessings by focusing on the negatives. 

[Tinydance]

Congratulations on being sober! I know it's really hard to fight addiction, so well done. I'm not minimising your success in fighting addiction. But to be honest, I think you're actually acting a bit up yourself. You're saying "I'm the best man for her". But why are you the best man for her just because you quit using substances? Someone not using substances is a bare minimum you can ask in a partner. Just because you now don't use them doesn't make you amazing or better than the other guy she's dating. 

I understand you still love her and that's why you're bad mouthing the other guy. But maybe she hasn't actually just settled for him, maybe she actually really likes him. It's not up to you or your friends to say who she should be dating. If she likes him then that's her choice.

To be honest, sometimes you can just have enough of your ex using and you're just over it and check out of the relationship. My ex-fiance kept using drugs and I just got so sick of it and couldn't deal with it anymore. I still loved him but the damage was already done. Honestly, even of he got clean and came to me later, I was already checked out. Like, I moved on and the door was closed, if that makes sense.

I think the only thing you can do now is continue your sobriety journey. If she changes her mind, great. But there is a high chance that she actually won't. Please respect that she found someone else and let her live her life.

[bison67]

On 8/8/2023 at 6:15 PM, Tinydance said:

Congratulations on being sober! I know it's really hard to fight addiction, so well done. I'm not minimising your success in fighting addiction. But to be honest, I think you're actually acting a bit up yourself. You're saying "I'm the best man for her". But why are you the best man for her just because you quit using substances? Someone not using substances is a bare minimum you can ask in a partner. Just because you now don't use them doesn't make you amazing or better than the other guy she's dating. 

I understand you still love her and that's why you're bad mouthing the other guy. But maybe she hasn't actually just settled for him, maybe she actually really likes him. It's not up to you or your friends to say who she should be dating. If she likes him then that's her choice.

To be honest, sometimes you can just have enough of your ex using and you're just over it and check out of the relationship. My ex-fiance kept using drugs and I just got so sick of it and couldn't deal with it anymore. I still loved him but the damage was already done. Honestly, even of he got clean and came to me later, I was already checked out. Like, I moved on and the door was closed, if that makes sense.

I think the only thing you can do now is continue your sobriety journey. If she changes her mind, great. But there is a high chance that she actually won't. Please respect that she found someone else and let her live her life.

Yup that’s what I’m doing. I just know she really loved the good parts of me that showed up less and less as addiction sunk its claws into me. Just makes me sad she’ll never see this side of me again or care it exists. I am never going to contact her again and let the universe and fate let my life unfold as I stay sober. That’s all I care about now. 

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, bison67 said:

Yup that’s what I’m doing. I just know she really loved the good parts of me that showed up less and less as addiction sunk its claws into me. Just makes me sad she’ll never see this side of me again or care it exists. I am never going to contact her again and let the universe and fate let my life unfold as I stay sober. That’s all I care about now. 

Well I guess the problem is that she's now with the other guy. It's hard to know if she's only settling for him but if she's not single you can't really go after her. I would feel terrible if I was dating someone and their ex was pursuing them. If you find out through your mutual friends that she became single then you could let her know how you feel. But would be up to her to decide if she wants to give you another chance. Even with my ex, I wasn't wiry anyone else for a while but I just didn't want to get back together with him. Continue working on your sobriety which is a great thing! Even if you don't get your ex back, if you're sober you may find another relationship.