Holiday woes

[Dadoftwoboys]

Question for the mums out there who work part time and don’t have the funds to contribute to a family holiday. Your husband/partner saves up all year and suprises the family with a holiday budget, but some of the requirments are that needs to be self catering, but can be abroad but the cost of eating out every day is outside of the budget.

He spends hours finding the right places as certain European countries are deemed as ‘too hot’ he goes out of his way to find lots of options such as a private villa with a pool near a beach where the kids can play, feel safe whist also having the luxury of nipping back inside for lunch or cooking tea. He has no problems with cooking,cleaning,  providing and doing the food shopping whilst away ( does this at home anyhow, whilst also working full time. 

you as the mother are not happy with the suggestions made because the flight times are too long, you want bed and breakfast and additional luggage whilst also wanting the perfect flight times. You also don’t seem to like the idea of him organising it so have to prove him wrong and ask lots of questions around the transfers from the airport whilst also asking what we’d do if the taxi company goes on strike etc. the options you’ve found are outside of budget yet you can’t contribute. 

This is causing conflict over the last 2 months. Time off work is already counting down and I’m due back at work on the 14th august. We also have a touring caravan that could be used but ‘doesn’t like caravans’ I JustAnswer want to go on holiday with my family 😬😆

just gathering opinions and thoughts, am I being too hard or too opionated ?

[Wiseman2]

The most important part of any vacation is to enjoy yourselves and if you're already arguing about it, how's that going to be fun? Try to come up with a happy compromise.

It's seems like you're quite upset that the plans you made weren't appreciated and were hoping wouldn't be negotiated or questioned. 

[Batya33]

I work part time. We have a 14 year old son. I was home full time the first 7 years.
I have more than enough $$ because I saved and built a nest egg for many years before I got married so please don’t assume moms who work part time don’t have $ of their own.

Also why should she have to contribute in the first place or somehow be more thankful because you are paying ? How many hours a week does she take care of the kids - as compared to you ?

Good for you for planning. My husband does a lot of our travel planning - he enjoys it plus it typically coincides with his business trips.  I appreciate it but the $ only is a thing when he asks me what I think of various options for hotels and flights and purchasing sightseeing tickets in advance. He’d never ever mention that he is “paying” - were married after all. Just like you. Somethings seems off about this dynamic. 

[Dadoftwoboys]

Oh I’ve no issues with paying for a family holiday, house bills, decorating, breaks etc and the norm and I’ve never once mentioned that I’m paying for it, it should be rather ‘we are paying for it’ but she’s never been interested in putting everthing in to one pot so it’s ‘ours’ despite tying.

not my point at all, my issue is with the request for additional requirements that we cannot afford and being unreasonable with the options presented that we have and can afford. Happy to discuss plans and make changes/negotiate  as needed 

kids are jointly taken care of it’s a 50/50 split except, days when I work away obviously that’s different, but those days away are to make ends meet.  

without sounding selfish or abrupt surly she should be thankful that the opportunity has presented its self, rather than be disinterested and objectionable when showing her the various options and places found?

Don’t mistake that for any ego or bad behaviour it’s about proving I’m a  provider, it’s instinctual and perhaps I’m craving the recognition that’s missing 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, Dadoftwoboys said:

. He has no problems with cooking,cleaning,  providing and doing the food shopping whilst away ( does this at home anyhow, whilst also working full time. 

It seems like it's not your wife's idea of a vacation if it's schlepping through multiple airports with children and staying somewhere where you have to cook, clean,shop and do all the same stuff as at home.

Try to compromise so you're both happy and still within your budget. Frankly if you're miserable and arguing, what the point of wasting the money? Perhaps plan a staycation if you can. 

[Dadoftwoboys]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like it's not your wife's idea of a vacation if it's schlepping through multiple airports with children and staying somewhere where you have to cook, clean,shop and do all the same stuff as at home.

Try to compromise so you're both happy and still within your budget. Frankly if you're miserable and arguing, what the point of wasting the money? Perhaps plan a staycation if you can. 

Oh the locations found are within a three hour flight window and a 20 minute transfer to the accommodation.  Thanks for the feedback, agree on that part, but we just don’t have the funds to eat out every meal.

[Batya33]

She is paying for it too. Evaluate how much $$ you save when you are away and she is the primary caregiver -if you had to pay someone at that time -so she is making it possible for you to do the job you do (and she works part time).  

For this particular vacation I'd bag it for now -and next time what I would do is ask her what level of input she wants into the planning and you can tell her your thoughts on time sensitive stuff -like when you have to book flights to get the best deal, etc. 

When my husband plans I defer to him when the plans are made (he's much better at choosing hotels/flights/transport) even if I'm not thrilled -because I willingly gave up my "control" over certain aspects (we went to England in June from the U.S. and ended up switching hotels 3 times in 10 days- no fun for me - I am the family packer/unpacker - so in hindsight I should have said something -but since I didn't -I didn't blame him/complain in that way.  So yes if your wife defers to you then she doesn't get to complain -you did all the planning (which I know is a lot!)

Sounds like you 2 never had the essential convo about who would do the planning -or whether it would be joint etc so now she's unhappy with the results -isn't that it really -just poor communication?

For this holiday I'd plan day trips or maybe a simple overnight instead..

[tattoobunnie]

16 hours ago, Dadoftwoboys said:

cooking,cleaning,  providing and doing the food shopping whilst working full time. 

But is she stuck doing absolutely everything else?  Is this the first trip planned? Who packs for the kids? Who gets the kids out of bed, dressed, fed, and ready to go with activities?  Did you not ask her input before booking everything?  It doesn't matter who makes all the dough; you should always discuss things with your partner on plans, places, times, budgets, etc.

I have been the main to sole earner for the entire marriage until recently, with many trips under our belt, and I always get my hub's input.  Sounds like you don't listen to her needs, so she is nitpicking at the moment.

[Dadoftwoboys]

Oh hell no, I pack, I’m up with them for breakfast. straight to the beach, pool or activities. When I’m off work for leave I try and spend as much time with them as possible.

 

there’s been many discussions, but ultimately all my suggestions have been turned down or ignored because it doesn’t fit her requirements of bed and breakfast which we can’t afford  so the kids miss out 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Dadoftwoboys said:

been many discussions, but ultimately all my suggestions have been turned down or ignored because it doesn’t fit her requirements of bed and breakfast which we can’t afford  so the kids miss out 

Sorry it's a struggle. It seems like you meant well wanting a vacation for the family. Unfortunately you and your wife are going to have to compromise on what "vacation" means. You like the beach idea, but with all the same household drugery that's at home. Perhaps your wife can help you plan something in the budget that's a vacation for her too. Why not plan things together within the family budget rather than argue so much it won't be fun for anyone.

[tattoobunnie]

Next time, give her a budget, and have her plan it all out.  And, if she doesn't do it, don't take over and plan it yourself.  Or do a staycation.  Have her get a part-time job, so she can help afford a little more convenience.  It's one thing if you might camp a few days, and build it some meals where you go out to eat.  If it's all where you are doing everything, and she doesn't want that, then save up some more before booking.

[Batya33]

I think for me personally I still don’t think of going away with kids as “vacation” which helps me manage my expectations a lot. Not negative just realistic. So then I don’t care as much about the amenities. I have minimum musts - ability to work out early morning - not for too long - and have time to shower after - or at least have time to do so later on.  Otherwise- I’m flexible. Because it’s not a vacation. My vacation is food shopping by myself lol. 

[catfeeder]

What you see as a vacation, wife sees as lot of distance and a lot of work for zero enjoyment.  

Sounds as though wife would rather save up the money to treat for something more relaxing for her instead of spending your family money on what only feels like work for the sake of work for her.

[smackie9]

I guess vacationing with kids is different these days....our parents barely saw us lol. Back for lunch, then gone. Back for dinner then gone until the street lights came on or 9 pm/bedtime. lol

[Cherylyn]

Vacations or holidays should be a cooperative effort with plans,  finances and all the minutiae regarding travels. 

Your marital issue goes beyond disagreements regarding vacationing.  It sounds like your husband is controlling instead of considering your input with decision making which is what you need to address with him. 

Both of you need to be in lockstep with a mutual understanding to confer with each other as my husband and I do which is respect and love. 

Consider the more important details of your marriage and hopefully he'll value your input.  It is common sense with team work which is what a marriage or relationship is. 

Don't go into debt in order to have a good time.  Consider alternatives to be more budget friendly.  Live within your means.  He needs self control and intelligence.

[Andrina]

Perhaps write down all the elements of a trip and discuss with each other which is the top want, what you feel is a 10 in importance on the list, and what is the lesser of your concerns on the bottom of the list that either of you would let slide.

As for me, to save on food, I always pack in checked luggage a lot of snacks like peanut butter or cheese crackers, granola bars, and packs of small drink boxes. Comes in handy for hikes or when you're just relaxing. It's not like any major meals need to be made. Packets of oatmeal or yogurt for breakfast, buy a bag of apples, buy some deli meat and cheese, etc. at a local shop and have everyone make their own sandwich. Takes 5 minutes.

If you can't come up with a consensus, skip this year for vacationing and save another year to afford a bed and breakfast. Are the kids old enough to contribute to chores and meal prep? Sometimes parents don't give them enough credit in their capabilities and should evaluate if the child is mature enough and capable to contribute.

[itsallgrand]

I'm not a mom and I work full time plus.

Why can't you take the kids for some camping with the caravan, mom gets solo time no kids, then get back together for a bit of bed and breakfasts and no cooking as a family? Fits the budget and you won't waste time fighting and losing precious vacation time.

 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Andrina said:

As for me, to save on food, I always pack in checked luggage a lot of snacks like peanut butter or cheese crackers, granola bars, and packs of small drink boxes. Comes in handy for hikes or when you're just relaxing. It's not like any major meals need to be made. Packets of oatmeal or yogurt for breakfast, buy a bag of apples, buy some deli meat and cheese, etc. at a local shop and have everyone make their own sandwich. Takes 5 minutes.

I do the same now that I'm a parent especially (although in 2003 my friend and I brought many Luna bars to Italy LOL).  I also do boxed cereals -bonus of it comes in a ready made bowl tuna packets and rice cakes, throw in some plastic utensils etc - I save on airport food that way too.  I take plenty of food through security too -no issues.

But some people like to travel "fancier" and if your wife is tired of preparing all meals and snacks that might be why.