Being there for someone after a death

[itsallgrand]

Hi. Just would like some general input on navigating this. A family member of mine, an uncle, sadly passed away last night. I was quite shocked. He was ill but no one thought it would progress so fast. His wife, my aunt, is someone I am quite close to and now my question is around how to best be there for her and her family? 

I did not contact her last night as I know she would be in a blur and lots she has to do right now. I'm trying to be considerate but also want her to know I'm here and I love her. I was thinking of sending a text today saying sorry for her loss and that I love her, is that ok do you think or too much so early on?

I plan to see her later on before funeral to bring food and cook and watch the kids for a bit for my cousins as well . I'm just having trouble knowing here the best way to go about when...I don't want to add to overwhelm but don't want to be silent/not be supportive either.

Thanks for listening and your input, as always! 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

I plan to see her later on before funeral to bring food and cook and watch the kids for a bit for my cousins as well . 

Condolences. This is a lovely thoughtful helpful thing to do.

[Seraphim]

I am so sorry for your loss . 
 

As you know my mom lost her husband almost two years ago now and she is still massively struggling emotionally. I am there to listen to her at anytime . I think just listening and being there to help their needs helps a lot . My mom has finally started grief counselling as she can’t progress past the grief stages she is in and she is devolving into stress and anxiety and a reluctance to leave her home at times . So being there to listen and maybe anticipating some of their needs. And encourage them to seek help if you noticed, they are not progressing through the grief stages.

[itsallgrand]

11 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I am so sorry for your loss . 
 

As you know my mom lost her husband almost two years ago now and she is still massively struggling emotionally. I am there to listen to her at anytime . I think just listening and being there to help their needs helps a lot . My mom has finally started grief counselling as she can’t progress past the grief stages she is in and she is devolving into stress and anxiety and a reluctance to leave her home at times . So being there to listen and maybe anticipating some of their needs. And encourage them to seek help if you noticed, they are not progressing through the grief stages.

Yes, they were together since they were teenagers. This was her person, her life partner, and a really good man. My aunt is a strong person, independent, would never ask for help. So I'm trying to anticipate how best to support without adding stress for her. I like what you said about being there to listen. That helps, thank you, as I think maybe just showing up to let her know I'm there (by text, by meeting with her and touching base regularly) might be the way to go here. 

[Cherylyn]

21 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

I plan to see her later on before funeral to bring food and cook and watch the kids for a bit for my cousins as well . I'm just having trouble knowing here the best way to go about when...I don't want to add to overwhelm but don't want to be silent/not be supportive either.

Thanks for listening and your input, as always! 

My condolences.  🙏  😢

What you are doing is beautiful such as bringing food,  cooking,  watching the kids for your cousins and being incredibly helpful and instrumental during your aunt's dark days. 

When my late father passed away at a young age,  my mother,  siblings and I would've been extremely grateful to have someone like you to pick up the slack.  💗 

Speaking from experience,  for us,  it was the lull post funeral where we needed the most help.  This is the time when everyone reverted to their busy lives and we were left scrambling as we proceeded to carry on without help.  Grief lasts a long time post funeral.  If anyone lived locally,  home cooked meals,  Uber Eats,  Grubhub,  help with errands,  watching the kids,  housecleaning or whatever one can think of would've been very helpful beyond words. 

Where I come from,  money speaks the universal language and requires no translation nor interpretation whatsoever.  For births,  deaths,  tumult,  financial hardship,  hospital stay or post-op or any time a household is turned upside down,  it's always money and the most anyone can afford to give.  Several people gave us money whether it was a collection from our neighbors,  friends,  relatives and colleagues.  It's so much more practical than receiving cake and flowers.  🍰  🧁 🌻 🌺 VISA gift cards can be sent online or packaged securely with signature confirmation via postal mail.  If the recipient is unavailable to sign for it upon receipt,  they can pick it up from their local post office with signature confirmation.  You can track it online.   Money helps with bills,  any necessities,  food,  etc.  Many people were very generous.  I'll never forget them and I pay it forward nowadays.  True love is speaking from your wallet.  💰 💸

Instead of text even in this Internet Age,  I would send a sympathy greeting card via postal mail.  📧 📪  Hand write your heartfelt sentiments in the card.  My family and I received postal sympathy cards and we were very touched.  If your aunt wants time and space,  give it to her.  When she is ready,  offer to treat your aunt to a meal so both of you can have a conversation and you can listen to her. 

Having been there,  these types of gestures would've been appreciated.   I do all of the above. 

My beloved,  great FIL (father-in-law) passed away recently and my husband and I did a lot.  While my local SIL (sister-in-law) and MIL (mother-in-law) were at the nursing facility and hospital for several months for FIL,  I sent my husband off with meals in tow such as dinners,  sides and dessert.  He stocked MIL's refrigerator so she could warm up home cooked meals after long days and nights at her husband's bedside.  (I also spoon fed homemade meals to FIL which made him incredibly happy.)  When out of town family and relatives drove or flew in from across the country and converged to MIL's house prior to the funeral and the day of,  I cooked a lot and fed them all.  I brought all cooked dinners,  sides and dessert from my house to MIL's house.  On the day of the funeral,  we had food catered to MIL's house and I brought all homemade side dishes to to accompany catered food.   A few relatives remained such as my BIL (brother-in-law)'s family so I brought home cooked meals to feed him,  his family,  cousins and other relatives for several days.  After everyone departed post funeral and post funeral days,  I continued to send my husband off with homemade dinners,  sides and dessert for MIL and SIL.  I did this for months.  They were appreciative. 

My in-laws did a lot for my husband,  sons and me for many years.  They were always there for us and incredibly devoted and extremely generous with their time,  efforts,   help and money.  Therefore,  it was my time to step up by going above and beyond.  I did.  I delivered.  I don't just take.  I give back thousandfold. 

My formerly cheery,  very talkative MIL fell silent.  She sounds so monotone nowadays.  She told me,  "I never thought my life would end this way."  I was quiet.  I did not know what to say.  There are times when listening is all the bereft wants.  Also,  I don't see her a lot.  My husband and I are helpful without being intrusive.  We only see MIL for major holidays,  her birthday and Mother's Day because it's what she prefers and we respect her wishes.  We might see her additionally during random times such as occasional restaurant rendezvous per her request.  In other words,  we follow her cue (within reason, of course).  It's the best we can do and works for everyone.  Sometimes my husband will chauffeur her to her appointments within reason and I'll occasionally send meals,  sides and desserts via my husband.  I know her favorite food so it makes her happy and it's convenient for her.  Since she doesn't cook anymore,  she's thankful.  At this point,  it's the best we can do. 

[itsallgrand]

Thanks Cherylyn for the thoughtful reply. Lots to soak up there. I appreciate it.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, itsallgrand said:

Hi. Just would like some general input on navigating this. A family member of mine, an uncle, sadly passed away last night. I was quite shocked. He was ill but no one thought it would progress so fast. His wife, my aunt, is someone I am quite close to and now my question is around how to best be there for her and her family? 

I did not contact her last night as I know she would be in a blur and lots she has to do right now. I'm trying to be considerate but also want her to know I'm here and I love her. I was thinking of sending a text today saying sorry for her loss and that I love her, is that ok do you think or too much so early on?

I plan to see her later on before funeral to bring food and cook and watch the kids for a bit for my cousins as well . I'm just having trouble knowing here the best way to go about when...I don't want to add to overwhelm but don't want to be silent/not be supportive either.

Thanks for listening and your input, as always! 

I would show up and also let her take the lead. Here is what I do -and this is also based on my cultural background and what I learned.  First- your plan to show up as you described -perfect.  Just -perfect.  As far as talking with her - let her take the lead -I wouldn't focus on her loss -meaning I wouldn't initiate that.  Talk with her normally- even about logistics - about the kids, the food prep/food storage etc. Not to ignore the elephant in the room but to give her that sort of normalcy -and space to open up to you naturally.  

I really think by being there, keeping yourself busy as you described -you'll get a sense of whether she wants to "talk" or not. Trust yourself -your heart is in the right place. Showing up as you are is the most important part.

I'm very sorry for your loss. 

[itsallgrand]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would show up and also let her take the lead. Here is what I do -and this is also based on my cultural background and what I learned.  First- your plan to show up as you described -perfect.  Just -perfect.  As far as talking with her - let her take the lead -I wouldn't focus on her loss -meaning I wouldn't initiate that.  Talk with her normally- even about logistics - about the kids, the food prep/food storage etc. Not to ignore the elephant in the room but to give her that sort of normalcy -and space to open up to you naturally.  

I really think by being there, keeping yourself busy as you described -you'll get a sense of whether she wants to "talk" or not. Trust yourself -your heart is in the right place. Showing up as you are is the most important part.

I'm very sorry for your loss. 

Thank you. This is helpful, I really appreciate it. 

 

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Thank you. This is helpful, I really appreciate it. 

 

Of course! So - it's fine to mention your uncle - especially if you are there and you see the photos around etc - I just meant let her mostly take the lead in talking about him and following up on what you say.

[Starlight925]

1 hour ago, itsallgrand said:

I was thinking of sending a text today saying sorry for her loss and that I love her

I plan to see her later on before funeral to bring food and cook and watch the kids.

You already have the perfect answers!

Sending a text today, plus visiting, bringing food, offering to watch the kids, is all perfect.

Don't expect much of a reply from her, as she will be inundated from messages and is likely in a blur.  That's ok, she'll reflect on it all in the coming weeks and months, and she'll know you were there for her.

About 6 months ago, my cousin's husband died suddenly.  I sent a text, then drove 4+ hours to the funeral, stayed for a few days, reminisced our youth with her, hung out, hugged.  2 months ago, she too, passed away suddenly.  I am so so so at peace with having been there with her at that time.

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Hugs to you and your family.

[LootieTootie]

I also think you're doing everything right. Send her a short text and let her know you're thinking of her and see her at the funeral.

I first went to a funeral a decade ago, and it was all new to me. I was so worried I would be so awkward. But when you are there,  letting the bereaved know you are here and helping out at the funeral will come naturally. I am no hugger and I pretty much hugged around 20 people that day and brought out a tissue box from my car and ended up passing it around because people were crying so much from reminiscing.  

My sincerest condolences for you and your fam.

[itsallgrand]

Thank you everyone. I did decide to send a text today. Just told her I love her, I'm thinking of her, and how sorry I am for her loss.

This thread has made me feel a bit less worried about going with my heart and reaching out. It's easy to feel awkward about doing something wrong here but I do think the idea that being there is the most important will be worth it even if I'm not perfect in everything. I know how much it meant to me when people were there for me after a loss...and she has been someone who always was there ...so awkwardness about screwing up needs to be set aside I guess and just be there and let her show me what is best in the moment. 

[Batya33]

I like what you texted. There was one time I did not appreciate a call. My dad died in September 2016. We weren’t close emotionally. I loved and respected him a lot.
 His passing was partly a relief for my mom. And for me. She loved him so AND with him with aggressive Alzheimer’s and she as his primary caregiver and dealing with nursing home issues blah blah it was really really hard on her !   hospice was hard. It all was hard 

so when a friend Id lost some touch with called me and immediately launched into this dramatic verbal outpouring about how I must be devastated that my father died and how she feels so awful and on and on and on I told her that while I appreciated it truthfully we weren’t close and I was simply trying to help my mom and family with  all the arrangements and how I’d spent the last months handling a huge amount of financial and administrative stuff for my mom - overwhelming. 

She actually was taken aback. And not so pleased with my reaction. I get it AND it’s why I never assume how someone is feeling or grieving. I show up. Like you did. A simple call or text tjst says I’m here whatever you’re feeling even if you’re trying to figure out what to wear to the funeral or how many pastries to order for when people come back to the house after or you want to cry and share memories and stories. You’re there to show “I’m here and ready for whatever. No “shoulds “.  

[Cherylyn]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I like what you texted. There was one time I did not appreciate a call. My dad died in September 2016. We weren’t close emotionally. I loved and respected him a lot.
 His passing was partly a relief for my mom. And for me. She loved him so AND with him with aggressive Alzheimer’s and she as his primary caregiver and dealing with nursing home issues blah blah it was really really hard on her !   hospice was hard. It all was hard 

so when a friend Id lost some touch with called me and immediately launched into this dramatic verbal outpouring about how I must be devastated that my father died and how she feels so awful and on and on and on I told her that while I appreciated it truthfully we weren’t close and I was simply trying to help my mom and family with  all the arrangements and how I’d spent the last months handling a huge amount of financial and administrative stuff for my mom - overwhelming. 

She actually was taken aback. And not so pleased with my reaction. I get it AND it’s why I never assume how someone is feeling or grieving. I show up. Like you did. A simple call or text tjst says I’m here whatever you’re feeling even if you’re trying to figure out what to wear to the funeral or how many pastries to order for when people come back to the house after or you want to cry and share memories and stories. You’re there to show “I’m here and ready for whatever. No “shoulds “.  

I hear you @Batya33.  Same here but not the same story.  It was a relief when my father passed away.  There would be no more wife beatings,  no more punching my mother's teeth out,  no more smoking,  no more alcoholism,  my mother attained stable employment FINALLY,  we actually could afford to go to the doctor and dentist whereas we couldn't while my father was alive,  no more womanizer and my mother somehow paid off my father's $450,000 debts plus the mortgage all by herself.  She never filed for bankruptcy and saved her house.  She's a true miracle worker. 

Even though our lives were in tumult,  we still appreciated money,  home cooked meals,  kind words and being with some family and friends through the years.   Life was a dire struggle but at least our home life was peaceful and calm. 

I'm one of the rare daughters who say it was a relief when my father died and my mother concurs.  She was a battered wife physically and mentally.  She is fiercely and financially independent. 

As for @itsallgrand,  ask yourself this:  If you were your aunt,  what would you want if you were in her shoes?  Let that be your guide.  I think of a person's circumstances and what would make their life easier,  smoother and give them some solace to the best of my ability.  For me,  I give money,  online VISA gift cards (less risk for theft compared to postal mail),  help them in any capacity,  give them home cooked meals or gifts of Uber Eats,  GrubHub,  etc.  Bereft people get hungry,  money  helps,  help with errands or childcare,  etc. are all appreciated. 

[Kwothe28]

Call and ask if you can do something more. Its not inconsiderate at all being that she maybe needs help.

My condolances for the uncle.

[itsallgrand]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Call and ask if you can do something more. Its not inconsiderate at all being that she maybe needs help.

My condolances for the uncle.

She is the type of person who if I asked if I can help or what, she'd say " I don't need anything. I'm fine." She'd never ask nor say, it's just how she is. But I know she appreciates action done. I know her well enough to know she operates on some unspoken ways of conduct where she believes in giving without being asked or thanked. She, and my uncle, devoted so much to their communities in volunteer work and generally trying to help others. 

Thanks kwothe because it reaffirms for me what I need to do. 

[Cherylyn]

17 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

She is the type of person who if I asked if I can help or what, she'd say " I don't need anything. I'm fine." She'd never ask nor say, it's just how she is. But I know she appreciates action done. I know her well enough to know she operates on some unspoken ways of conduct where she believes in giving without being asked or thanked. She, and my uncle, devoted so much to their communities in volunteer work and generally trying to help others. 

 

Some people don't want to be an imposition to others when asked,  "Is there anything I can do for you?"  Many people including myself hesitate to burden others because we realize everyone is very busy with their own lives. 

I agree with your aunt about doing and giving without being asked.  Just jump right in,  roll up your sleeves and do whatever needs to be done and / or give money because money helps with anything big or small. 

I've done it all especially home cooked meals,  catered meals,  I would do Grubhub or Uber Eats if pressed for time,  money (birth,  death,  hardship,  etc.),  watch kids if needing childcare and pick up the slack wherever needed.  Be at your aunt's disposal. 

My family and I would've loved an outpouring of care after my late father passed away.  We never had the luxury to grieve.  My mother and I were so busy working all the time to provide for my younger siblings and survive day to day for years.   

[Batya33]

Yes- analogy -we had an event for family and friends when my newborn was 12 days old -religious type thing.  I was exhausted.  It was at a simple party room in a friend's apartment building -around 30 people with catered food.  One of my friends came  - she knew my family but not "everyone".  I noticed when it was wrapping up she quietly took it upon herself to start cleaning up -wrapping up platters, wiping down tables (we were responsible for doing so and she seemed to know this).  She didn't ask - she didn't "offer" simply took it upon herself to make herself useful.  I've done the same - and if it's in someone's home I'll ask but more like "oh if I clear these platters do you prefer them stacked here or in the kitchen?"

[itsallgrand]

The service was this past weekend. It was very nicely done. It hit me during the service that uncle is gone. It hadn't really processed until then. No more uncle's moose and deer meat packages after one of his hunting trips. No more deep booming laughs of his when the family is gathered together. No more dropping in at his camp to visit and BBQ. He was my fave uncle ever since I was a little girl. I have memories forever of him carrying me across the beach, many times!, when I'd worn myself out on family camping trips. 

I've seen his grand kids several times since his passing. That seems to be what the family is appreciating right now. Sit with the kids, cousins get some much needed food and a nap. My aunt sits there doting on the grandkids. 

He left a beautiful legacy of love, family, and thinking about others over yourself. 

Thanks for the help to those who replied here. Helped me get out of my head. Appreciate it.

[Seraphim]

I am so glad you and his family have beautiful memories of him . ❤️

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

I am so glad you and his family have beautiful memories of him . ❤️

I feel exactly the same. May his memory be for a blessing.