High intimacy low sex drive

[lottjackwin]

My husband and I have been together for 12 years. I was 18 and a virgin when we met. He was 26 and had sexual experiences with his exes. I wanted to lose my virginity to the right guy. My husband was very sweet and I trusted him, so I decided to let him be my first. Our sex life was great in the beginning, we did it often. Until he moved in with me 2 years later, then it became less and less frequent. 

 

I was very insecure about it because he obviously had sex with other women before meeting me and it affected my self-esteem. I thought I wasn't attractive enough for him to want me. I used to try to seduce him by buying sexy lingeries and sexy costumes. It worked, but I noticed whenever I didn't initiate it, we rarely had sex. Lots of times I would indirectly initiate it by kissing him passionately or caressing his body but he would reject me by swatting my hand or saying things like, "I have a headache", "I'm tired", etc. Sometimes I would even get no response at all so I would just go to sleep. Of course I told him that his rejections were upsetting me. Usually things get better for a short while, then it would go downhill again or we would be back at square one after a couple of months. Not having sex for months then back to once a week then none again for months then.. it just became a cycle. I would talk to him about this every ~3 months for at least 7 years. Except during our engagement period and shortly after we got married. That department got a lot better for a while. 

 

However, things got worse after I was in my third trimester of pregnancy. He would refuse to do it saying that it felt "crowded" down there. So no sex during my 3rd trimester. After I gave birth, we didn't really do it until I got an okay from my Obgyn to have sex again, but by then I was feeling super insecure. It was painful, I couldn't bear the pain (probably physically and mentally) so we couldn't do it. He never asked me again afterwards and at that point I was given up. I never wanted to initiate first in case I would get rejected. 

 

Fast forward, our daughter was now 9months old. After finding out that my friend was pregnant with baby number 2, their first is around the same age as our daughter, I told him it was time to try again. We basically didn't have sex for a year at that point. Things got better again for a short while then it was back to no sex again. The cycle is back, I tell him to do it more - we do it more often for a month - then no sex for a long stretch. I don't even want to bother asking for it anymore. I think I'm done begging him. I talked to a family member about this, they suggested that I accept him the way he is.

 

I have been trying to forget about sex unless he initiates, which is very rare. To be frank, throughout these years we have been intimate. We spend time in bed cuddling most nights, we kiss and hug often throughout the day. Whenever I think about the lack of sex we have though, I still feel sad. My husband is such a great man, leaving him is not an option. I know we love each other deeply. From time to time I hear how other parents still have sex often and the human in me gets jealous. As far as I know, I have never reached an orgasm ever. I was open in telling him what I liked. But he's just not a type of person that likes to be told what to do. When I told him what I would like him to do he said it turned him off, and he gave up. I don't tell him what I want in bed anymore. The irony is, whenever I ask him if he would like to have sex more often, he says yes but his actions say otherwise. I'm confused. Any tips?

 

Open to any suggestions.

[shouldhavelearned]

What other things have changed in the relationship/marriage?

Hobbies, interests, job, weight...etc

Something is distracting him and causing his non participation.

Have you read any books or discussed therapy with him?

[Batya33]

Did he wholeheartedly want the first child?  How badly does he want a second and - it sounds like you’re kind of keeping up with the Joneses mentality as far as having a second child. Other than finding out your friend was did you want a child with all your heart ? 
That might be affecting his sex drive too. 

[SooSad33]

Wow, is rare I think, for a man to lack in sex drive.  Unless there's something underlying to this condition?

Just be careful to not turn him off totally, by constantly bringing it up when you already know how he is.  Last thing he needs is more pressure.

I guess you do have to just live with how he is.. unless or until HE chooses to look into it ( if he even see's it as an issue...).

It's good though, that you do still cuddle together. so it's not like he's just totally pulled away from you, he does show some affection 🙂 .

I guess the rest is up to you ( self satisfaction), since you're not getting all you want there?

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, lottjackwin said:

. I was 18 and a virgin when we met. . Our sex life was great in the beginning, we did it often. Until he moved in with me 2 years later, then it became less and less frequent.

Is this an arranged marriage? How long have you been legally married?

How long have you lived together? When you say "moved in with you" how old were you and who's house is it? Your parents or your own place? How long into the marriage did you have children? Your timeline on things is a bit unclear.

As far as the anorgasmia, please make an appointment with your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done.  Ask about it. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. It could be inexperience, it could be something else. But please address it. 

Is there financial or other stress in the relationship? Do you both work? Do you get babysitters and have private time and romance?

How is your husband's mental and physical health? Are there issues with drinking or other unhealthy habits such as gambling, video game addiction, excessive porn use, using escorts or womanizing?

There are a great many factors in intimacy declining so you'll have to start identifying some possibilities.

[Andrina]

7 hours ago, lottjackwin said:

Whenever I think about the lack of sex we have though, I still feel sad. My husband is such a great man, leaving him is not an option. I know we love each other deeply. From time to time I hear how other parents still have sex often and the human in me gets jealous. As far as I know, I have never reached an orgasm ever. I was open in telling him what I liked. But he's just not a type of person that likes to be told what to do. When I told him what I would like him to do he said it turned him off, and he gave up.

Sorry, but how great is he if in the area of sex, you're sad and he knows it? That he doesn't care that you've never had an orgasm. How he verbally hurt you by saying it was a turn off when you tried to let him know how to please you? How can you say he cares when he knows you're dissatisfied in a very important area of marriage, and never tries to improve in that area?

You were still a teen when you entered your only serious relationship, so even as you know this is not normal, you're willing to sacrifice a lifetime of happiness for someone who doesn't care about your needs in one of the biggest pleasures of life?

If I were you, I'd ask him to attend marriage counseling with you, and if he refuses, go to individual counseling. Show him that this is a watershed moment, and perhaps it will shake him up. Because your unconditional love and your attitude of your wish to never leave him has him with zero concerns, so why should he change?

[1a1a]

There might be something helpful in here? You def need to have a conversation with first make sure he is at least on the surface invested in changing this trend.

 

https://captainawkward.com/2011/07/12/reader-question-74-guest-post-keeping-it-sexy-in-a-long-term-relationship/

[MissCanuck]

16 hours ago, lottjackwin said:

After finding out that my friend was pregnant with baby number 2, their first is around the same age as our daughter, I told him it was time to try again.

Forgive me, but that makes no sense. Just because your friend had another baby, you needed to get pregnant again too? Why? I ask because I wonder if your husband really wanted a second baby. You don't mention anything about this. 

In any case, you two would benefit from some counselling. Either he's got an underlying condition, or he's just not attracted anymore. It's pertinent that you find out what it is going on, and explore his lack of sexual desire together. You won't be able to just forget about sex for the rest of your life, unless you want to be unfulfilled and unhappy forever. 

16 hours ago, lottjackwin said:

My husband is such a great man, leaving him is not an option.

So what are you going to do if he just doesn't want sex anymore? And keeps going the way it is, with very occasional duty sex? 

[boltnrun]

My ex husband stopped wanting sex a few years after we got married. He just stopped. I wish I knew why, but his only explanation was "married people don't act like that". Um, we "acted like that" for six or eight years, so when did it become wrong to "act like that"?

Anyway, we never resolved the issue and ended up divorcing. Which was too bad, but it's really hard spending a lifetime with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you.

I would suggest counseling to try to find out the root of the issue. If he refuses, you will either have to accept him as he is for the rest of your life or make a very difficult decision.

[itsallgrand]

If you've never had an orgasm ever, I'm wondering if that is due to a medical condition or if you aren't very in tune with your own body? Were you raised in an environment where you didn't receive a sexual education, or shame was associated with self pleasure, or anything like that? 

It's odd to me you chugged ahead with marriage and a baby knowing there were long term issues in the sex life with your partner. Why? Did you think that's just how things are for people or was getting married and babies more a priority than anything?

One thing you can control is your own sense of your own sexuality. You can find out if there's a medical reason preventing you from orgasming or if it's something else. You can see what your options are there. You don't need anyone but yourself for that. I'd do that first before reassessing with him. 

 

 

[Kampuniform3]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My ex husband stopped wanting sex a few years after we got married. He just stopped. I wish I knew why, but his only explanation was "married people don't act like that". Um, we "acted like that" for six or eight years, so when did it become wrong to "act like that"?

Anyway, we never resolved the issue and ended up divorcing. Which was too bad, but it's really hard spending a lifetime with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you.

I would suggest counseling to try to find out the root of the issue. If he refuses, you will either have to accept him as he is for the rest of your life or make a very difficult decision.

As difficult as it may be to face, the explanation is actually quite simple.

-If you ate the identical meal every day for an entire year, you’d quickly develop an aversion to that meal. Now multiply that by eight.

It could be the most succulent meal on the planet, and the envy of every inhabitant on the earth, but it’s the interminable repetition that makes it unpalatable. 

There may be some men out there who operate differently, but they would definitely be outliers.  
 

Every relationship has distinct phases, and having the expectation at year 10 that you’ll ever be able to re experience the hormonal oxytocin rush with your partner (along with limerance, and everything else that accompanies the heady first few years of a relationship) just isn’t realistic.  
 

I do see this as a fundamental blind spot with women, and this is not a criticism, just noting how the sexes view the matter differently.