My husband and I have been together for 12 years. I was 18 and a virgin when we met. He was 26 and had sexual experiences with his exes. I wanted to lose my virginity to the right guy. My husband was very sweet and I trusted him, so I decided to let him be my first. Our sex life was great in the beginning, we did it often. Until he moved in with me 2 years later, then it became less and less frequent.
I was very insecure about it because he obviously had sex with other women before meeting me and it affected my self-esteem. I thought I wasn't attractive enough for him to want me. I used to try to seduce him by buying sexy lingeries and sexy costumes. It worked, but I noticed whenever I didn't initiate it, we rarely had sex. Lots of times I would indirectly initiate it by kissing him passionately or caressing his body but he would reject me by swatting my hand or saying things like, "I have a headache", "I'm tired", etc. Sometimes I would even get no response at all so I would just go to sleep. Of course I told him that his rejections were upsetting me. Usually things get better for a short while, then it would go downhill again or we would be back at square one after a couple of months. Not having sex for months then back to once a week then none again for months then.. it just became a cycle. I would talk to him about this every ~3 months for at least 7 years. Except during our engagement period and shortly after we got married. That department got a lot better for a while.
However, things got worse after I was in my third trimester of pregnancy. He would refuse to do it saying that it felt "crowded" down there. So no sex during my 3rd trimester. After I gave birth, we didn't really do it until I got an okay from my Obgyn to have sex again, but by then I was feeling super insecure. It was painful, I couldn't bear the pain (probably physically and mentally) so we couldn't do it. He never asked me again afterwards and at that point I was given up. I never wanted to initiate first in case I would get rejected.
Fast forward, our daughter was now 9months old. After finding out that my friend was pregnant with baby number 2, their first is around the same age as our daughter, I told him it was time to try again. We basically didn't have sex for a year at that point. Things got better again for a short while then it was back to no sex again. The cycle is back, I tell him to do it more - we do it more often for a month - then no sex for a long stretch. I don't even want to bother asking for it anymore. I think I'm done begging him. I talked to a family member about this, they suggested that I accept him the way he is.
I have been trying to forget about sex unless he initiates, which is very rare. To be frank, throughout these years we have been intimate. We spend time in bed cuddling most nights, we kiss and hug often throughout the day. Whenever I think about the lack of sex we have though, I still feel sad. My husband is such a great man, leaving him is not an option. I know we love each other deeply. From time to time I hear how other parents still have sex often and the human in me gets jealous. As far as I know, I have never reached an orgasm ever. I was open in telling him what I liked. But he's just not a type of person that likes to be told what to do. When I told him what I would like him to do he said it turned him off, and he gave up. I don't tell him what I want in bed anymore. The irony is, whenever I ask him if he would like to have sex more often, he says yes but his actions say otherwise. I'm confused. Any tips?
Open to any suggestions.
