I am really scared! I need to tell this to someone.

[thisisnotanexit]

gosh what a story..that guy didn't get in trouble for what he did? he needs to pay for all that, so he doesn't hurt someone else in the future. man..

[Strandysmommy]

I know it hurts when you break up with someone but I look at it like this: Heroin is bad, heroin makes addicts feel secure, when H addicts "break up" with their drug they go through withdrawl...ever see the movie "Less than zero?" Withdrawl is freeky as heck but it's part of healing and recovering.

 

Right now you're having withdrawl from this guy, he is bad for you like Heroin is bad for, well, everyone. The first few weeks will suck, but remember what he did to you. He grabbed your wrists and wouldn't let you leave. You didn't want him to do that did you? You didn't like that, right? That is abuse, you were abused, he has been abusing you. You're free now, you have your life back but he's left a stain for awhile. It's like when you get skunked, the smell doesn't come off easily. (I assume, because I've never been skunked *knocks wood*)

 

Hang in there; lean on your friends. Thats what they're there for, and that's what we're here for.

[thisisnotanexit]

gosh you've been through so much. i really admire your strength. we're here for you. you can get through this, hang in there. you did the right thing, and please, never underestimate what a wonderful person you are. i'm giving you a number and a link to give you someone to talk to, besides us. take care!

 

1-800-THERAPIST

 

link removed

[armchairshrink]

(If my post looks funny, please bear with me; I'm new to this posting mechanism.)

 

Gosh I am sorry you had your identity stolen. That's like. . . one of my worst nightmares.

 

Dear heart, in a way you have had your identity stolen. Your ex took your self esteem, your confidence, your brightness, and your spirit -- your self. All I had to deal with was calling a few credit card companies. You have to recover something much more fundamental. That's probably why it hurts so badly right now. You're not just recovering from losing a boyfriend; you're also recovering from being abused. And I know we on the forum have told you this before, but we're going to keep telling you until you believe -- yes, it was abuse, and no, it was not your fault; yes, it's going to take time and effort to recover, and no, we don't know when that will happen; but YES, most emphatically, you will recover.

 

I feel so ugly, so unlovable. I just wish I could disappear. I don't feel that I will ever be loved again- and I know you all think he never loved me, but I know he did. In some way. And I think it was my only chance, and it was a mess. It was doomed from the start. That was all I get. Like a game- my number's up- I lose. I know I am only nineteen, but it has taken me nineteen years to build a relationship with anybody and what if that is all I'm going to get? What if it takes me nineteen more years to realize it's too late? I'm not okay with being the crazy-old-lady-who-owns-a-thousand-cats anymore, like I used to joke about becoming when I was a kid.

 

This is going to sound strange to you, but whether or not he loved you is irrelevant. Truly. He hurt you; he twisted your soul until it screamed. People in healthy relationships hurt each other unintentionally all the time (but certainly not to that degree). We're humans, not mind-readers. But when healthy people hurt someone, they apologize and then stop the hurtful behavior. And did you catch the use of the word "unintentional"? When you get older, you realize that love may be the basis for a relationship, but by itself it isn't enough. Your parents love you; but if they never fed you, you'd soon be dead. Understand? Human beings need love, but we also need respect (both self-respect and respect from others), and to feel safe, and happy, and a whole host of other emotional things. He may have loved you in his own twisted way; and it's a sure bet that he needed you -- the way a cat needs a scratching post, or a litter box. But he not only couldn't provide for your other emotional needs, he took away the things you needed -- your self esteem, your sense of safety, the respect of those around you. He needed your pain and your fear. He reveled in it. Your ex is an emotional vampire. Maybe he loves you, maybe he doesn't -- but he'll suck the lifeblood out of you anyway.

 

Now that I've felt love, even a little, I will not be okay with never having it again.

 

Believe it or not, that's a good sign. One of my favorite authors, Diane Duane, wrote that "Love enters in nowhere so readily as through the door of the already broken heart." The kicker is that you have to be willing to let it in. Be willing. You will love again. You are loveable. God don't make junk.

 

I infer that he was your first boyfriend. To a greater or lesser extent, we have all felt this kind of hopeless pain after we've lost that first, special one. So in this way, you're completely normal. And your next love never "feels" the way your first did. Not greater, or lesser, just different. Sometimes that's sad, but in this case I'd have to say "hooray for different!"

 

There's no one to talk to, because everytime I try to talk about this my throat just closes and I can't speak.

 

You've done just fine on the forum. If you can't speak, would you consider letting your friend or your mom read what's been posted here? Or could you call a hotline and read what you've written here? You really do need the support of friends, family, and a professional. And don't feel bad about that! You may have gotten the vampire's teeth out of your neck, but you're still bleeding. If you had been in an accident and were bleeding to death, you'd go to a doctor, right? And no shame attached to it, either. This is no different. Sometimes, we all need a little help. Call. And keep us posted.

[a beautiful disaster]

Thank you all so much- especially you armchairshrink. And no, your post didn't look funny I really appreciate your support. I feel a lot better today. No crying at all. The pain is there, but not as much. I am keeping busy, so I have other stuff to occupy my mind. I enrolled at college today. It looks like I will have a lot of fun and barely any time to mope around this fall. Lol. Anyway, I think I am starting a new chapter in my life and I am ready to move on from the old one- it still stings though.

 

Do you think there is any way possible for him to get help while we are on this break? I think without me there he will have a higher chance of working out his problems. I just wish I could get inside his head. He makes it so easy for me to believe he is changing, but I never know what to think. Do you think he is trying at least? I don't want to be completely hateful to him if he is trying and/or making progress. Anyway. . . just wondering what you think. And thank you so much, all of you, for sticking around through my whiny-ness and stubborn stupidity. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart!

[armchairshrink]

Thank you all so much- especially you armchairshrink.

 

Glad to help.

 

I feel a lot better today. No crying at all. The pain is there, but not as much.

 

Glad to hear it.

 

I am keeping busy, so I have other stuff to occupy my mind.

 

Good plan! I'm thrilled to hear you've enrolled at college; that certainly will keep you busy! It will also be a great growth experience -- but I'm sure you've heard the "college spiel" from everyone else, so I won't repeat it here.

 

Do you think there is any way possible for him to get help while we are on this break? I think without me there he will have a higher chance of working out his problems.

 

I agree, and it was wise of you to pick up on that. Having you there would make it too easy for him to fall into his old patterns. Much like an alcoholic trying to recover while surrounded by bottles of booze. By the way, having you there would also make it too easy for you to fall into your old patterns as well.

 

I just wish I could get inside his head. He makes it so easy for me to believe he is changing, but I never know what to think. Do you think he is trying at least? I don't want to be completely hateful to him if he is trying and/or making progress. Anyway. . . just wondering what you think. And thank you so much, all of you, for sticking around through my whiny-ness and stubborn stupidity. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart!

 

Don't we all wish we could get into someone's head! It is extremely difficult to tell if someone is "changing", or making progress with their therapy, or whatever. And truthfully, he probably couldn't tell you, either. He may (or may not!) be genuinely sorry now that you've broken up, and he may be serious about promising to change, or seek help, or whatever -- today. Then tomorrow, back to his old tricks. Then the next day, etc. You'll drive yourself nuts trying to figure him out at this point. Your best bet is to leave him alone to grow up, and focus on your own healing. And you don't have to be "completely hateful" to him if he calls, but you do have to be firm in your insistence that you're not lining up to be his emotional punching bag anymore, and it's best for both of you that you have no contact. And that really is the truth (as I see it, anyway). Good luck!

[Hope75]

Hi Beautiful,

 

I think if he wants to he may be able to get help, but I think you should stay out of it. The dynamic of your relationship was based on abuse and control and it is a very hard pattern to break, esp. because you accepted it for so long. If even after he tried to get help, you took him back, it was be all too easy for him to slip into the same pattern of control and abuse with you. I also believe that 9 times out of 10 men who behave like this only get worse, and he may not be able to change his ways, even with therapy, particularly the therapist he was talking to that supposedly minimized his control issues and told him to exercise, (though I doubt the he actually is telling her the whole truth, more likely minimizing how bad it is so he doesn't look as bad as he really is.)

 

He is better off seeking help on his own, and you are better off staying far, far away from him. This is not your project, and you have a bright future ahead of you with college coming up you are going to meet all kinds of new people and yes, new men as well, and hopefully soon you will realize how fortunate you were to get away from him and start a new and healthy life, a life where you are respected and make your own choices.

 

Hang in there, this does get easier. You are stronger than you know.

[thisisnotanexit]

i think you should tell someone about him who might can help him.

[a beautiful disaster]

Well things have been a lot better for me lately. I've been working day-shifts and even excersising and shopping (very therapeutic I have found. lol). In fact I've felt really great. I've started writing again (been working on a third novel since April). It's amazing, but I thought I had lost my ability to write for months now. Turns out it was because my mind was centered and obsessed on how to fix my relationship. Now that it's out of the way, the inspiration and words are just flowing!

 

Anyway, *he* has been emailing me a lot. He seems to be doing a lot better. He is carrying on a normal life without me there. He says he still misses me like crazy and wants the break to end though.

 

Anyway I am writing this to ask a question. He emailed me today and said he wants us to meet up on Thursday night, just to see each other and hang out. I haven't given an answer yet.

 

I know he wants to work on getting back together, and the thought has crossed my mind. He says a lot of his problems are sorted though (like the ones that had to deal with us) and he seems a lot better at handling things without me, which was the core of our problem basically (his obsession with our relationship). So I am sort of sitting here thinking, "why not give it a try if things are normal now?" I mean, we could actually have a normal relationship I think- if he has really worked through the core of that problem. And I think he has, seeing as how he is getting along very well without me. What do you guys think?

 

And again, thanks a million for all the support! This site is awesome.

[annie24]

Hi Beautiful - I'm glad to hear that you're doing better. That is great!

 

To be quite honest with you, the issues that he has, I doubt that they can be gotten rid of in one or two weeks. It sounds like he has a lot of anger and control issues, it seems like it would take several years to work through them. Honestly, I have some pimples that have taken more than a week or two to get rid of, so I don't know how he did all his therapy so quickly! I am skeptical.

 

I really wouldn't meet him. Especially alone. I think he's still a ticking time bomb. Maybe in 6 months or 12 months, after a lot of therapy, but now.... I wouldn't advise it.

 

Have you called the abuse hotline about it? I wonder what they would have to say. I bet they may say that this is something that many men say shortly after the woman leaves them. I bet that most of them say that they have changed and want to try again. But I doubt that most have changed.

 

Take care!

Annie

[brando]

I agree with Annie on this one. Change is not an easy road to travel, and from what i have learned, the party in question will say what you want to har in order to get back together...right now in his mind you have the upper hand, he doesnt necessarily like it, so he will be coy and try to get back in, to regain power.

 

Without him openingly admitting his wrong doing, aplogizing, and seeking professional help, i would say nothing has changed.

 

You can maintain casual contact with him, and see if he has changed...sounds all too soon.

[lakergal]

Please don't meet him.

 

It's only been 1 week. There is NO WAY he has "fixed" his problems...

 

As others have already stated 6 months to a year and MAYBE you can think about going back, but not until then.

 

PLEASE don't see him alone - ever. Not this week, not next, and not the one after.

[Hope75]

I agree with the other posters here.

 

It has been 2 weeks, if that, not nearly enough time to address what's be going on in his life and his control issues and abusive tendencies. Not even enough time to begin to chip away at it.

 

As Annie said, you need to give yourself time and him time to recover from this and for him to continue to work out these problems, he is no way changed from the person you knew, it is not possible to change that much in 2 weeks.

 

Maybe in a year or so when he has really learned with the help of therapy you could consider meeting up with him, but I definitely would NOT meet him on Thursday.

 

You need to protect yourself, and no matter what he is telling you, this is the same person who less than one month ago threatened to rape you and threw things around the room and threatened you, and who made you work the same hours because he wanted tabs on you at every moment of your day. I can guarantee that nothing has changed yet.

 

Think about all your newfound freedom! You have not had enough time to really think this through.

 

Meeting him is a dangerous and bad idea, and I do not recommend it!

 

Please let us know what you decided to do. Be smart and protect yourself.

[armchairshrink]

Hey Beautiful,

 

Glad to hear you're doing better! You go, girl! When do we get to see your novel in print?

 

One question: Since you seem to be on a roll, why would you want to risk stopping it to see him again?

 

OK, two questions: What is he doing to get his issues under control? Going to therapy, taking medicine? Exercising and eating right? Frontal lobotomy? ;-) Or did he just sit in his room and think about it?

 

All right, last question: Does he miss you, or does he miss his victim?

 

Let's assume he does love and miss you. Like everyone else has said, it's still too soon. Maybe he really is feeling better, right now. But he is going to backslide again before he makes real progress. True change takes time, and it's never linear. (Ever hear the expression "two steps forward, three steps back"?) He has not had time to really struggle with his violent urges, let alone overcome them.

 

The first time he sees you (and you see him), all the old feelings will resurface -- the good and the bad -- and both of you need to be strong enough to wrestle those feelings back under conscious control, and into their proper place. Are you ready to deal with your own feelings as well as anything he throws at you? It's way too soon for that to happen in my book. Seeing him now would be like ripping the stitches out of a deep wound, or cutting the cast off a broken bone before the bone has set. Ouch!

 

Please consider the possibility that he's only faking just to get you back under his thumb, and is not interested in changing himself. If I had a nickel for every time I've seen that happen (and a penny for every tear that's fallen as a result), I'd be rich. And please DO NOT see him alone. Period.

 

Have patience. If he really does love you as much as he claims, he'll be willing to wait for you to heal. And he should want to be doubly sure that HE is no longer dangerous, too. If it's love, he should be at least as concerned for your needs and feelings as he is for his. And if it's not love ... better you find out by letting him drift away rather than by becoming a statistic.

[a beautiful disaster]

right now in his mind you have the upper hand, he doesnt necessarily like it, so he will be coy and try to get back in, to regain power

 

Okay, I still haven't sent an answer about Thursday yet. I'm gonna stay up forever thinking about it. . .

 

But I just have an honest question. Do you guys really think he has this all planned out- like he has a giant evil plot on how to further ensnare me? Or is much of his behavior unconscious and impulsive? I mean, does he actually plan to be cruel to me in the future just for kicks, or does he really and truly believe he is better and just doesnt mean to go back to the way he was?

 

It's just that. . . I know this guy. He can't even get to his own school (barely his own house) without someone giving him directions. He's very clueless a lot of the time and just floats through life somehow on bits of luck and circumstance. I find it impossible to believe that he is planning out my demise and attacking my weak points to gain power like he's Darth Vador or something.

 

All I'm asking is if it is unconscious (like he has just had these behaviors for so long they come naturally) or does he really know what he's doing about suggesting contact on Thursday- and is making a plan to get me under his control? For one thing, I don't even think he's aware that he's a controlling person. . .

 

This goes for a lot of abusive people and is something I've been wondering a long time. I don't get it. Is it impulse. . . or do they plan this stuff out?? It's just hard to believe that this person I have been dating for more than a year, who I've talked to and loved and known so well, could be plotting against me, consciously hurting me, and making plans to take it even further. . . The bottom line is: yes, he hurts me, but does he really honestly and consciously know it?

[melrich]

It's just that. . . I know this guy. He can't even get to his own school (barely his own house) without someone giving him directions. He's very clueless a lot of the time and just floats through life somehow on bits of luck and circumstance

 

Then what on earth do you see in him.

 

Is he deliberately cruel and controlling?

 

Probably not but what does it matter.

[annie24]

Just because someone has poor sense of navigation doesn't mean that they don't know how to be cruel and manipulative....

 

I think over time, you will see that there are so many other men who will love you and not try to hurt and control you like this man has. Love doesn't have to be hurtful like this....

[Hope75]

He is perfectly aware that he is hurting you, and perfectly aware that when you left he lost his little puppet who let him control her every move and he will do anything it takes to get that back. No one rational or with any smarts is going to let him treat them the way he treated you.

 

He's got alot invested in you. In just over a year, he broke you down completely, he managed to alienate you from your best friend who was only concerned for your welfare, from your family who he said was all against him, he got you to work the same shift at the same place as him....you stopped writing because of him.... imagine how long it would take to get that kind of control over someone new....poor guy...

 

Don't be naive and try to make excuses for his behaviour. However it starts, however it carries out, it is who he is and what he does and you are the one who has to stand up for yourself and not allow it, and that means walking away.

 

He has you so wrapped and blinded you can't even see how whipped you are right now.

 

Don't be foolish and meet him tomorrow, you know exactly what will happen. He will tell you he realizes how awful he was, he's changed so much, (when in reality it is just not possible to change that quickly, it takes months or years to learn to control yourself), instead of control other people. You will take him back, be apologetic on here, and it will happen all over again. This is how it happens, you won't be the first or the last to fall into this trap and cycle of abuse. You have the control, and the power to make it stop. Do not go and see him.

 

Honey, this isn't messing around, this isn't fun, it isn't love. He threatened to rape you. He had you terrified, and under his complete control.

 

You have no business going to see him tomorrow. Let it go, be strong and stay the heck away from him. You are 19 years old, way too young to be tangled up in this *beep*.

 

Don't do it.

[DN]

There are some amazingly wise people on here, including Hope, Annie, richgabe, advising you not to go. Do yourself a favour and listen to them.

 

There is no way on Earth that someone could have changed their character and behaviour that quickly. He is still manipulating you - don't fall for it.

 

And ask your father what he thinks.

[Hope75]

There is no way on Earth that someone could have changed their character and behaviour that quickly. He is still manipulating you - don't fall for it.

 

And ask your father what he thinks.

 

Good point DN!!

 

I think if you ask your father you will get the wisest answer. If you won't ask your father, or are afraid to, then you also have your answer, because you know what he will say, and he wouldn't steer you wrong.

[a beautiful disaster]

Okay. . . yeah I deffinetely see your points. I don't think I'm going to do it after all. I have hesitated in replying to his email because I know, deep down, that I am weak right now (I will probably be weak for a long time) and he will break me down with the apologies/puppy-eyes thing. I have really enjoyed my life without him lately. I have time to do the things I want to do because I no longer have to set aside a portion of my day to spend with him. Basically I am living the life I used to have- the one I liked. I really, really don't want to give it up. I know I am too weak for this right now. I feel stronger, but the underlying weakness is still very much there.

 

God now I realize why abused women never leave! Not only do they have to deal with the grief and loss of a partner, but that partner also continues to be in their life- making every attempt in the world to get them back- annoying them, calling them, emailing them, following them, even threatening them until they can't take it anymore! I mean, a human being can only take so much! They have to be twice as strong as everyone else after a break up, when they are already weak from dealing with bullsh*t for so long. I will never, ever be judgemental of an abused woman EVER again after knowing what it's like.

 

Thanks guys, once again, I have known the right decision to make- but wouldn't act on it until I actually *thought* it through after reading your advice and talking to my friends. I don't seem to trust my own judgement much anymore. . . considering all the dumb things I do.

[DN]

Has he been threatening you since the break-up?

[a beautiful disaster]

Oh no, not at all. I was just using an example of what some abused women go through and why it is so hard to leave their partners. . .

[Hope75]

Okay. . . yeah I deffinetely see your points. I don't think I'm going to do it after all. I have hesitated in replying to his email because I know, deep down, that I am weak right now (I will probably be weak for a long time) and he will break me down with the apologies/puppy-eyes thing. I have really enjoyed my life without him lately. I have time to do the things I want to do because I no longer have to set aside a portion of my day to spend with him. Basically I am living the life I used to have- the one I liked. I really, really don't want to give it up. I know I am too weak for this right now. I feel stronger, but the underlying weakness is still very much there.

 

Ah, glad to see your common sense kicked in. I can promise you he will do all he can to get you back under his thumb, but only if you let him.

 

Trust your judgement. If you feel weak and know you won't be able to resist, this is the very thing he's counting on, which is exactly why you must stay away.

 

You are right about abused women, it's very hard to get away. I had to get the police involved when I left my ex because he was harassing and threatening me, (after he pleaded for us to have a baby.....)

 

Your life to so precious and valuable, and you are finally living it for you, free from his control. Don't let that go.

 

I'm proud of you, keep it up!! 8)

[chai714]

One of the stages in the grieving process, is bargaining. It is where the party who is grieving will do anything and say anything in order to make their loss, "disappear." Part of him telling you that he has changed is him bargaining. Another poster (Brando) raised a good point. It's very difficult to change in a matter of a couple of weeks. While it's possible to learn from your mistakes, it's a rarity for those changes to actually take place until further down the road (months, or years).

 

The next stage he'll go through, is probably anger. This is where you need to be careful. Remember, you don't need to make any decisions on getting back with him anytime soon - don't let anyone (including him) make you think there is any sort of deadline. Like DN said too, there are many wise people on this forum (including DN) who have a lot of life experience (priceless) and whose advice you probably should take. But remember, don't make any emotional or impulsive decisions. There is no rush, and no deadline.