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a beautiful disaster

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  1. Wow, I don't know if you guys even remember me or not! lol. It has been months since I posted on here. I just thought I should give an update because I remember how helpful everyone was to me, and I appreciate that so much. I don't want anyone thinking I just died or dropped off the face of the earth, because I haven't! I'm in college now, on Christmas break. Me and my boyfriend are still no longer together. After I posted here for the last time, we did get back together. Yeah, I know, I know. It was stupid. I knew it was stupid. But it only lasted about a month. This time things went from bad to worse in a much shorter time frame. Just before school started, he "broke up" with me, and I said "that's a great idea!" Apparently he hadn't expected me to say this, so he tried to get me back and all of that. I know he only said he was breaking up with me to manipulate me into doing what he wanted, but I took it as my chance to leave for good. He still calls me. And emails me. And makes every attempt in the world to see me and have contact with me. And sometimes I get really lonely and I want to go back. But I haven't. We broke up in August officially. It's now January, and I am still single. I am starting counselling next semester. This is mostly for my parent's alcoholism and the problems I have with that, but I'm going to at least mention this. Because it still bothers me. I feel really worthless sometimes, like the only person who ever loved me only wanted me around for sex. And what if that's how it is forever? It hurts really bad, because I loved him and I just don't understand why he couldn't love me for who I am. I try not to think about this situation very much, because apparently it still hurts. Reading over these old posts made me remember it all, and I feel like crying now. I met a guy this year, named Sean, who I liked, and he liked me. But I just brushed him off after awhile. I don't know why we didn't date. It was like I couldn't. And he assumed I just wasn't into him, so he stopped calling. And I just feel like there won't be many more chances for me. But at the same time, I had such a hard time even talking to him. I just kept thinkig, "if only he knew who I really was. maybe if he found out, he would agree with my ex-boyfriend that I'm too much trouble." Anyway, I think like that sometimes. But all and all I am doing better. This site literally saved my life I think. I would have been with him forever if I hadn't written that post and if you guys hadn't put up with all my defending him until the end. I feel certain that I would still be with him now. So thank you. Just wanted to give an update and say happy new year!
  2. Hey Hope, thanks for asking. Yeah things have improved slightly, but it's all still kind of stressful around here. My mom has stopped going through her "poor me" phase, which is always a plus. I saw him at a 4th of July party yesterday. But yeah, I think I am doing okay in that department. He seems okay too, which makes me happy. I am still communicating with him a little, and he seems a lot better (I know what you guys will say- that he isn't different and all that. lol. but I see what I see, and I see that he has made a lot of improvements- though I won't take any chances this time. I know he has put on this facade of "betterness" for me in the past ). I haven't been feeling lonely lately at all, which is good. So no going back to that scene before. . . nope. I like to think I am a little stronger than that now. And everyone's been really supportive throughout this ordeal. I just go to my best friend or my parents if I am feeling weak and wanting to go back to him. Anyway, we spoke briefly about his counselling. He's pretty closed off about it- just says it's going fine. I don't know. He only has one session left. I've been trying not to think about him much. Instead I am thinking about this really hot guy at work that I can't help but flirt with. Lol. He seems normal. Wow could it be that I have found a guy that isn't a psycho? Haha. Anyway, maybe it will blossom into something, maybe not. I think I'll just take it easy for awhile and work on my novel. Relationships get too complicated. . . Well it's getting late and I better go to bed. I'll continue to keep you guys updated. Thanks for the support!
  3. Sorry I haven't posted. I've had a really bad week, guys. My mom lost her job. I've been working full time and we're having some serious legal trouble with an old landlord of ours. I appreciate the concern (it feels really nice to have someone that cares), but DO NOT worry about me. I'm okay !! I'll try to post more later this week. . .
  4. Yes this book has been suggested to me by a ton of people lately, along with "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by. . . somebody Evans I believe. I think I'll look into both to make sure I don't fall back into his same trap again. Thanks a lot!
  5. Oh no, not at all. I was just using an example of what some abused women go through and why it is so hard to leave their partners. . .
  6. Okay. . . yeah I deffinetely see your points. I don't think I'm going to do it after all. I have hesitated in replying to his email because I know, deep down, that I am weak right now (I will probably be weak for a long time) and he will break me down with the apologies/puppy-eyes thing. I have really enjoyed my life without him lately. I have time to do the things I want to do because I no longer have to set aside a portion of my day to spend with him. Basically I am living the life I used to have- the one I liked. I really, really don't want to give it up. I know I am too weak for this right now. I feel stronger, but the underlying weakness is still very much there. God now I realize why abused women never leave! Not only do they have to deal with the grief and loss of a partner, but that partner also continues to be in their life- making every attempt in the world to get them back- annoying them, calling them, emailing them, following them, even threatening them until they can't take it anymore! I mean, a human being can only take so much! They have to be twice as strong as everyone else after a break up, when they are already weak from dealing with bullsh*t for so long. I will never, ever be judgemental of an abused woman EVER again after knowing what it's like. Thanks guys, once again, I have known the right decision to make- but wouldn't act on it until I actually *thought* it through after reading your advice and talking to my friends. I don't seem to trust my own judgement much anymore. . . considering all the dumb things I do.
  7. Okay, I still haven't sent an answer about Thursday yet. I'm gonna stay up forever thinking about it. . . But I just have an honest question. Do you guys really think he has this all planned out- like he has a giant evil plot on how to further ensnare me? Or is much of his behavior unconscious and impulsive? I mean, does he actually plan to be cruel to me in the future just for kicks, or does he really and truly believe he is better and just doesnt mean to go back to the way he was? It's just that. . . I know this guy. He can't even get to his own school (barely his own house) without someone giving him directions. He's very clueless a lot of the time and just floats through life somehow on bits of luck and circumstance. I find it impossible to believe that he is planning out my demise and attacking my weak points to gain power like he's Darth Vador or something. All I'm asking is if it is unconscious (like he has just had these behaviors for so long they come naturally) or does he really know what he's doing about suggesting contact on Thursday- and is making a plan to get me under his control? For one thing, I don't even think he's aware that he's a controlling person. . . This goes for a lot of abusive people and is something I've been wondering a long time. I don't get it. Is it impulse. . . or do they plan this stuff out?? It's just hard to believe that this person I have been dating for more than a year, who I've talked to and loved and known so well, could be plotting against me, consciously hurting me, and making plans to take it even further. . . The bottom line is: yes, he hurts me, but does he really honestly and consciously know it?
  8. Well things have been a lot better for me lately. I've been working day-shifts and even excersising and shopping (very therapeutic I have found. lol). In fact I've felt really great. I've started writing again (been working on a third novel since April). It's amazing, but I thought I had lost my ability to write for months now. Turns out it was because my mind was centered and obsessed on how to fix my relationship. Now that it's out of the way, the inspiration and words are just flowing! Anyway, *he* has been emailing me a lot. He seems to be doing a lot better. He is carrying on a normal life without me there. He says he still misses me like crazy and wants the break to end though. Anyway I am writing this to ask a question. He emailed me today and said he wants us to meet up on Thursday night, just to see each other and hang out. I haven't given an answer yet. I know he wants to work on getting back together, and the thought has crossed my mind. He says a lot of his problems are sorted though (like the ones that had to deal with us) and he seems a lot better at handling things without me, which was the core of our problem basically (his obsession with our relationship). So I am sort of sitting here thinking, "why not give it a try if things are normal now?" I mean, we could actually have a normal relationship I think- if he has really worked through the core of that problem. And I think he has, seeing as how he is getting along very well without me. What do you guys think? And again, thanks a million for all the support! This site is awesome.
  9. Yeah I'm a girl and I wouldn't think anything of that. She probably thought it was cute, or (most likely) didn't even notice it. Don't worry so much!
  10. Lol. Yeah I would give her space. PMS is a scary thing. I get sooo pissed off if someone breathes too loud, if something breaks, if something is in my way when I'm driving. All these little things just eat at you, and then you just blow up- usually on an unsuspecting, undeserving victim. She can't control it, and neither can other girls. I am usually a patient person, and I don't want to be mean- but everything pisses me off SO BAD when I have PMS. No, she doesn't hate you. She just can't be nice to you right now- she feels like crap. I suggest just a little space. It's nothing to worry about though, all women go through it (some have it a little worse than others too and sounds like your girlfriend might be one of those). Good luck and don't take it personally! She really doesn't want to hurt you at all!
  11. Look I know you want to help your friend, but there is nothing you can do. The only thing that could possibly help, as far as I can see, would be professional psychotherapy, anger management and/or drug rehabiliation. If you try to sit and "talk" to him, it will only fuel his anger and make things worse. He doesn't sound much like the talking type anyway. What you could do is have sort of an intervention type thing, just corner him and tell him that if he doesn't get some professional help, all of you will have no choice but to drop contact with him. If he really cares about you guys, he will consider how bad his problems have gotten for you to say that and hopefull try to help himself out. As for the rape thing, I hate to tell you but the majority of rape/abuse claims are true- unless the girl is trying to get revenge on the guy for breaking up etc (and you said he only met her one night and didn't even know her, so I doubt this is the case). Maybe he himself didn't see it as rape. He says she didn't say no or tell him to stop. Well maybe she *couldn't*. If a girl is physically unable to say no- like sleeping, drunk, or passed out, it is still considered rape. Sex has to be consensual or it is rape. Maybe he doesn't see this or just doesn't want to fess up. But given what you have posted about him, I am sorry to say I believe it. Just try the intervention thing. If it doesn't work, I think you need to really stop hanging out with him. He sounds destructive to all of your well-beings and your relationship with you girlfriend! This situation will not get better with time- only with professional help. Good luck!
  12. Thank you all so much- especially you armchairshrink. And no, your post didn't look funny I really appreciate your support. I feel a lot better today. No crying at all. The pain is there, but not as much. I am keeping busy, so I have other stuff to occupy my mind. I enrolled at college today. It looks like I will have a lot of fun and barely any time to mope around this fall. Lol. Anyway, I think I am starting a new chapter in my life and I am ready to move on from the old one- it still stings though. Do you think there is any way possible for him to get help while we are on this break? I think without me there he will have a higher chance of working out his problems. I just wish I could get inside his head. He makes it so easy for me to believe he is changing, but I never know what to think. Do you think he is trying at least? I don't want to be completely hateful to him if he is trying and/or making progress. Anyway. . . just wondering what you think. And thank you so much, all of you, for sticking around through my whiny-ness and stubborn stupidity. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart!
  13. armchairshrink- Love your name! Gosh I am sorry you had your identity stolen. That's like. . . one of my worst nightmares. I don't know why- since I carry no credit cards or anything of any real value. Got about two hundred bucks in the bank and I live from paycheck to paycheck. But still Anyway, thank you for your post about your friend. I am sorry that had to happen to her. It really sucks that her family reacted like that too. Anyway, I know I did the right thing. But the thing is, you can know something until you are blue in the face, but knowing it is nothing- it's like vapor, air, empty space until you believe it. Believing it is what makes it real. I hope I am heading to a point in my life where I can believe I made the right choice. Until then I feel that I will be in this much pain. I feel so ugly, so unlovable. I just wish I could disappear. I don't feel that I will ever be loved again- and I know you all think he never loved me, but I know he did. In some way. And I think it was my only chance, and it was a mess. It was doomed from the start. That was all I get. Like a game- my number's up- I lose. I know I am only nineteen, but it has taken me nineteen years to build a relationship with anybody and what if that is all I'm going to get? What if it takes me nineteen more years to realize it's too late? I'm not okay with being the crazy-old-lady-who-owns-a-thousand-cats anymore, like I used to joke about becoming when I was a kid. Now that I've felt love, even a little, I will not be okay with never having it again. Anyway, I know I am whining. I just have never felt so alone. I try to be normal. I try to do normal things and I can't function. I try to go out and then ten minutes of driving later, I realize I want to be at home in my room. I go home to my room and I realize I HAVE to get away or I'll go insane, so I go back to my car and repeat the cycle. I can't win. I'm a prisoner in my own head. There's no one to talk to, because everytime I try to talk about this my throat just closes and I can't speak. I don't know why. It's like I'm choking and I can't breathe for a second. I can't talk to anyone. And it hurts so bad to keep it in. I feel like I need to cry but the tears won't come out, and my throat hurts so bad because there is this lump there. He's emailed me twice now- yesterday and last night. And I know I should be ignoring this. . . but I ended up feeling really bad that he hasn't emailed me today. I ended up checking my email about every hour just hoping and hoping to hear from him. That's pathetic, I know. I don't know how to stop. I called the counselling service numbers, or at least tried. But then I ended up feeling really bad because those services are for people who've actually been in a real "abusive" situation, and I feel like I haven't. So I didn't think I should do it- plus there is the no money issue. And I feel like I don't have an "excuse" to be in so much pain as to need a counsellor to sort it out. I don't think my relationship was "bad enough" to have to take action like that. So I think I will just tough it out on my own. Thanks so much, you guys. I will get through this, I just don't know when anymore.
  14. Is it okay if I whine for a second. . . just because this is the only place I can? Okay well I'm going to anyway, so no point in asking. I had NO IDEA it would hurt this bad. Why didn't someone tell me? I thought it would feel better if I broke up with him. I'm having nightmares. Even my sleep is full of doubts about my decision. Basically the only things I've done today are sitting around feeling sorry for myself, eating a ton of Taco Bell, and doing the dishes because I'm that desperate to stop thinking of him. He called me yesterday. I shouldn't have answered, but no one was around to stop me except myself. Gee. . . where do you think that led? Basically he told me that he missed me really bad and that he couldn't stop thinking about me and that I deserve so much better than him. I started to feel guilty so I got off the phone really fast. He hasn't called me since, because I told him that talking to him hurt me a lot. I guess for once he thought of my feelings. . . Anyway, I went to work today and told my boss I won't be in for the rest of the week and when I come back I will need a new schedule. He told me it was okay, so I guess I still have a job (yay). I am trying to dwell on the bad times in the relationship to justify my leaving, but the good times are there as well. And they are haunting me! I'm to the point that if he called me today, I think I would be too weak to even hang up at all. I mean, I think I am so weak I would take him back if he called me and asked me today. He is at work now, so I don't guess that will happen. How long will it hurt like this? A week? A month? I can't handle more than that. I've got a lot to do, and I can't function. I am starting to think I blew this out of proportion (I know logically that I did absolutely the right thing, but since it hurts so bad I am trying to justify my pain in other ways). Is this pain because I really loved him, or is it because I was so attached to him? Or are they the same? Do you think maybe I could have made it work if I had stayed? That thought hurts worse than anything. . .
  15. Okay I feel like I'm reading something that I've posted. I too am sitting around in my underwear (at least I finally put something on) and I was watching some dumb tv and thinking about my boyfriend, who I broke up with on Sunday. What was bad about your relationship? There were a million things wrong with mine (read my other posts). But I can't stop feeling like. . . hm. . . maybe I overreacted. I miss him like crazy. It's freaking killing me. I dream about him. I think about him all the time. Wow, this is crazy. EXACTLY how I feel is what you wrote in your post. Exactly. I know I am not being much help, but just know that you are not alone. Just know that somewhere in the world, a girl feeling the exact same way as you is sitting around in her underwear eating a bean burrito and wishing she could disappear. . .
  16. Hey, thanks guys. Especially you, Mr. Meh. Do you analyze dreams for a hobby? I did a research paper over the topic and I've since become very insterested with dreams and their meanings. I knew that the wreckage in this dream had to symbolize our relationship. I just couldn't figure out anything else. Anyway, thanks. Maybe understanding it will make it go away!
  17. Okay guys I've been having this dream over and over since I broke up with my abusive boyfriend the other day- like twice in a night. It's bugging me because it's scary and I don't know what to do about it. I think it's related to breaking up with him. I feel so damn guilty about it and miss him like crazy, even though my "love" for him was more of a desperate attachment because he had mind control over me and I'm not going to gloss it over. He was incredibly cruel to me when we broke up, but I still feel that it was my fault and I still miss him bad enough to almost consider going back (I'm not though). Anyway, the dream goes like this. I am driving down a neighborhood that has a lot of trees. It's a really pretty, quiet neighborhood with 1950's houses and it's shady and beautiful. And then suddenly I come to this part with all this debris (like pieces of wood and houses, broken trees, tires) all over the road. It's like a tornado or other natural disaster just happened there, because people in their pajamaes are in their front yards trying to sort through the mess. Anyway I keep trying to navigate a path through it, but I can't. So I have to turn around in the middle of the street. This guy is following me in a blue Honda and he gets so pissed off that I'm turning around and cutting him off that just as I am turned around and ready to go home he jumps out of his car with a gun and kills me as I'm trying to get away. I never get away. Anyway, this is disturbing to me because I keep on having this nightmare for the past two nights. I think it has to do with my guilt over leaving him, and my missing him so badly. What do you think? Any dream experts out there? I really want to stop having this dream. . .
  18. Yes, I have often felt that I am a babysitter rather than a girlfriend. Lol. Anyway, I haven't called him and I feel way stronger than I did this morning. His mom told me he was doing fine, so really I know he wouldn't try anything. It just hurts that it had to end so badly, but what did I expect? Did I expect him to smile and say, "whatever makes you happy, baby." No, that's what happens in normal relationships (at least some). Anyway, thanks for the support guys. Don't know what I would do without this website. Oh yeah, in reply to Hope's question, yes that was my best friend who had been mad at me. She apparently got back from the camp two days early (yesterday afternoon) and she's really supportive of my decision, and she said she will do anything it takes to keep me away from him (including stealing my cell phone and hiding it under her shirt. lol.) My parents were also really happy about what I did, but they are kind of overreacting (as parents do). They don't want me under any circumstances to be alone with him anymore, even though I still don't think he's dangerous to me. Unstable, yes. Dangerous. . . ?? Question mark. I've got another question about that topic. Last night he was throwing stuff around the room (not very big stuff) and I kept on flinching, and then he just got this smirk on his face and was like "What? that wasn't meant to hit you." You think he was lying? It made me feel like he wanted to intentionally hurt me. . . Anyways, just wondering how far you think he wanted to go with that. . . And again, thanks a bunch!
  19. Okay, so I said I'd keep you guys posted. Here's the jist of what happened last night (me and my boyfriend are no longer together, by the way). Yesterday I was reading online about how to best go about ending an abusive relationship, and the advice I got was to slowly become less likeable- like more boring and stuff and start saying I was depressed and confused. I've already been doing this for weeks, because I really have been feeling depressed and confused. lol. So last night I went over there to take the next step they advised me on: suggesting just a few days apart before you drop the bomb (which I planned to do next weekend). This apparently was supposed to lessen the severity of his reaction. So last night I went over there and told him I am at a weird place in my life and need to think about things. I told him I'd still really, really like a break why he is in counselling, no matter what the counsellor says. He started getting angry with me and saying scary stuff like, "The only way I can survive without you is if you're dead." And it didn't seem like a threat, really, but it scared the piss out of me. And then he finally agreed to the break (YAY), but obviously he was still pissed about it. Just to hurt me, he started saying cruel things like I am abandoning him in his "time of need" and making me feel like a b*tch again. Then he said, "You know what this break means to me? It just means that pus*y is back on the menu." And it hurt me so bad and I got up to leave because I was so mad and he grabbed my wrists and was begging me to stay, not hard really but hard enough to make it so I couldn't pull away. And he wouldn't let go until I sat back down. So I did. And he was crying and freaking out. And he started banging his head against the wall and hurting himself in various ways in front of me and I was begging him to stop. And then I said I was leaving and got up to leave again and he grabbed my arms so I couldn't move and I was starting to cry and saying, "Please let me go, please let me go home. I want to be with my parents." And he was crying and saying he was sorry, but he wouldn't let me go. And then his dad heard what was going on, so he calmed down a little and let me go. I got out of there and fled to my best friend's house (I ended up staying the night). God I'm so scared he's going to kill himself. I am so scared guys. I want to call him, I know I shouldn't! This hurts so bad! He hurt me, but I feel like I am the one to blame!! I am going to work today to change my schedule. His mom called me last night and delivered a "message" to me from him. It basically said that he was sorry, that he loved me more than anything, that he was going to get better for me. And she told me that nobody blamed me for doing what I did, but I still feel terrible! Everything I do reminds me of him- like the good times we had. This hurts so bad! Do you think what he did to me was wrong, or was it my fault? I think it was my fault. I shouldn't have been stupid. . . I just thought it would be better than outright dumping him next weekend. But anyway. . . I guess it's over. I know he doesn't think it is, but I am scared to tell him that this "break" is permanent because I don't want to see what he'll do next. Hopefully after the counselling is over, he'll be detached from me a little and possibly better so he won't take it as bad when I tell him it's officially over forever. Anyway, just wanted to update. I am fighting the urge to call him. My best friend had to steal my phone last night and turn it on mute because he called me twice in a row before his mom finally did, and I was trying to answer and practically fighting her for it. Anyway, I just thought I'd write instead of worrying about this. . . god I really feel pathetic and terrible. Somehow I thought I'd feel justified and empowered. . . I feel just the opposite, and very terrified.
  20. RayKay: Yeah, I agree now (finally). Thanks. This is the last time I'm posting, for real Just had to make that one last comment because I felt like I had to justify my leaving him to her. . . for some odd reason. I have hid a lot of "little details" such as that from you guys because thinking about them scares me and makes me ashamed to be with him. . . Anyway, I've devised a plan with my best friend. I talked to her about this. When she gets back I can either A: go to her house and call him from there so he won't be able to come over and see me. She said I can stay there for a few days if I need to. B: break up with him at a restaurant or something and have her sister's husband (one of my good friends) stand off to the side just in case something happens (this dude was in prison, so he knows how fight. lol). I still don't think my boyfriend can get violent with me though, so this is a last resort. I am choosing choice A. For one thing, I need to be able to hang up. When he gets those teary eyes and the sob stories about how bad his life has been, I break down. I always do. So being with him when I do it, as nice as it would be to do it in person, is not an option in our relationship. I think this is a good time to leave him because he will be in counselling, so he can have someone to talk to about how pissed he is at me without killing himself/harming himself/harming others (hopefully!!), even though I know I shouldn't consider it my responsibility, I feel tremendous guilt when it comes to this guy (almost to the point of him being like my child or something. . . don't mean that in a sick way Anyway, I plan to do this next weekend. This week I am making plans with my boss to switch schedules (I really can't quit right now, with my financial situation. And this is a college town, so it is mad hard to find jobs anywhere in the summer. If you've got a job, you gotta keep it. That's the unspoken rule here- even though I'd feel so much more comfortable quitting because there is that risk of seeing him. . . But anyway, I am ready. And I am shaking. But guys, honestly from the bottom of my heart, no one has ever opened my eyes about my boyfriend. I can hear over and over "just leave him" but it never registered until last night (you all saw how stubborn I was). Anyway, this is the last time I post for awhile. When I come back, things will be different. Somehow. Thank you sincerely. Everything I wrote here was true, and the reason I kept coming back over and over was because I felt desperate. I was searching for the thing I found last night: Truth, reality, fear, a wake up call, a slap in the face. I dunno what what to call it. It was just what I needed. Thank you all so much! I will keep you posted. Wish me luck and if you pray: please, please pray for me!
  21. TheBecksterKid: Yes, that is how I felt the other day. But the more that I began to look at the situation, the more I felt that it was not normal. I didn't mention this earlier, because I knew it would worsen the situation and make me look even dumber for not leaving him (which is what I am taking steps to do now after I have talked to the people here), but he told me that he has driven by girl's houses/walked by their houses/picked girl's out of crowds and has come close to "losing control" and raping them. He told me that once he came close enough to actually walk up to a girl's door, a girl in his neighborhood. She had left her door open and was inside showering. And he felt that he was not even himself anymore and that there was another presense inside of him controlling him, but he managed to stop himself and turn around before he got to the door. He told me this months ago, and it scared me to death but I tried to ignore it, assuring him we would "fix the problem together." Now, because of Hope, Annie, and the rest of the people here, I realize that was an idiotic decision on my part. I realize now that his fantasies could easily have become criminal behavior. I talked to the hotline last night about this and they told me that someone who would come close to breaking into someone's house and raping them, even just thinking of it, are extremely unstable and dangerous. My boyfriend knows how I feel about the rape thing, and he knows I am totally against violence of any kind so there is no way in hell that he would assume that this "turns me on". I still do not know why he told me. I refuse to believe that it was because he planned to hurt me, but I will no longer condone this behavior either way. I am getting out while I can. Not to sound disrespectful of your opinion, but I am starting to see the realities of my situation for the first time thanks to this website and I do not want to become a victim of abuse and/or rape.
  22. I talked to my dad after I posted last night. Boy was he mad! Lol. He said, "I'll always be your father, you deserve so much better than this. I am gonna kill that kid. We'll do whatever it takes to keep you safe." My best friend is out of town at some leadership camp. She gets back next week. I felt really good after I talked to my dad! No, I do not have health insurance anymore because my parents are unemployed. But I did call our state "abuse line" thing and they gave me a number of a counselling service I have yet to call, actually two numbers. And I am starting college this fall, and I am pretty sure they have free counselling for students there. I just wanted to thank you so much, especially you Hope, you are the one that has stuck through my stupidity until the end. I really hope I can get through this fog I have wandered into, but I think I can. What was said last night really made me never want to go back, and I don't think I will now. Thank you so much, I mean that! There has been no one else to talk to that didn't just get frustrated with me and leave me alone. So thank you, thank you, thank you. I will post again maybe in a week or two about what's happened.
  23. Don't worry guys, this is not another post about defending him I came home from work tonight and read your posts, guys, and I started feeling really sick. And then something weird happened: I started crying. I mean, I am still crying. I can't stop. . . I haven't cried like this in weeks. I think I am becoming sick. I don't know how this happened. . . but it hurts like hell. Hope, you just made me realize, really realize for the first time: I lost my best friend! Jesus, how did that happen?? She was my best friend since eighth grade and I barely noticed she was gone and I miss her so damn bad! I want to lie and tell her he is out of my life, just so I can talk to her for one second! I miss my sister and my parents. I miss being a kid. I miss highschool. I miss everything I used to have. He's all I've had for all this time, and now I realize it was because of me! I don't know how to get help. What do I do? I have obviously proven I am too weak to leave him on my own. What can I do? Should I call someone? I don't know! I can't even sleep anymore because something in me will not leave me alone about this situation. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and couldn't go back to sleep, just lying there wishing I could disappear. The more I try to justify it, the worse I feel. I am going to be like him. I already am. For so long I have just felt that no one else would ever want me, and I want so much to just get married and have a normal life and have kids with somebody I love. Sometimes I think that killing myself would be the only way out of this situation, because it would be easier for me to die than face up to what I've become and to face the repercussions of leaving him. That is weak sounding, but I have never been strong. What can I do to change myself? You suggested counselling. Where do I go? I don't have much money. Is anything free? Telling me I am becoming like him made me feel like I had been stabbed or slapped, woken up maybe. So I thank you sincerely for that, especially you, lakergal. Because it's true, and I hate myself now more than I ever have before and I am suddenly desperate to be different. And I hate myself for lying to you and to myself, and making myself believe the lies because I wanted them to be true more than I wanted anything else. I want to go back to who I was before we were going out, when we were friends and everything was so easy. It was only a year ago. How do things change in such a short time? Do you think I can go back? Do you think it is too late? I feel so hopeless right now. Do not feel guilty about the "harsh words" in your entry. They are what I needed. Sometimes I need more than I know to hear the awful truth. What can I do to change myself though? I am not trying to get attention. I really want help right now. What can I do, like tonight, to start things off differently? I can't sleep tonight until I take a step at changing myself around, even if it's a baby step. I thank you guys so much for saying that just now. I think it was what I needed to hear, no more advice, no more niceness, just a terrible truth that I have not wanted to face for months.
  24. He has also asked me many disturbing questions along the same lines. I know you guys are thinking "oh great, more crap to prove he's insane" but just hear me out He is incredibly scared of me leaving him and asks me questions all the time about what would happen if he got worse instead of better. I always respond with, "That's not even an option. Because either you get better, or I leave." And so I think that kind of freaks him out because deep down we both know there is a possibility that he will not improve with counselling or even medication. So when I say those things, it starts a snowball affect of him testing me with paranoid questions. The other day for example he asked me about what I would do if he murdered someone. I told him, of course, I would see him behind bars on the news because I would not be talking to him anymore. Then he got all defensive and said "what if the person really deserved it?" Now, I know he is not a murderer, it is just NOT in him, so I know he says stuff sometimes and asks me questions to see how far he could go before he loses me. It doesn't mean he's actually planning a murder, or a rape for that matter. I agree it is abnormal to talk about it, but I think it has to do with his paranoia, which is a fixable problem. I don't think he's necessarily psychotic enough to do these things. Do you see where I'm coming from?
  25. sonjam- In his head, "breathing room" is considered leaving him. I have told him I wanted to quit this job for a long, long time or switch to day-shift so I can have my nights free. He also hates it and wants to quit, but he is unwilling to do so because he wants to be with me. And if I really quit, techincally he would "let" me do so, because he is not so controlling as to not let me do something! But I would end up hearing about how much it sucks all the time. Is there a way to take "breathing room" without him reacting do you think? When I talk about doing that, he tells me I don't know anything and I need to stop thinking I know what he's feeling and I need to stop "controlling the relationship" or sometimes he starts crying and saying he's going crazy or dying. I'm not trying to know what he's feeling, or control things, I'm just trying to suggest something that would help! He needs to stop being so dependant on me, it's scary. He tells me he can detach from me if I am still around, and I do not believe this. But when I want to discuss a break, he won't hear of it. I do not believe my boyfriend is very possessive though, other than that. In the beginning he was terrible about whining when I went out with my friends, but then he realized I was still going to do it whether he liked it or not and has backed off a little! That isn't a problem anymore. His jealousy is more hidden. He told me it "makes him crazy" when I talk to other guys, but he never reacts or even lets me know unless I ask him about it. He is obviously quite a paranoid person because he broke up with his last girlfriend and left her house sulking because she was on the phone with another guy for an hour, and he figured she was cheating on him!! He never even discussed with her what was wrong! One of his girlfriends cheated on him, so I guess it messed with him a lot. He told me the reason he wants to work with me and be with me all the time is partly to "protect" me, because he says that people are always taking away what is important to him and he thinks I am next on the list! He sees everything, literally "everything" (we have discussed this), as a threat- esp. to our relationship. My family, my friends, me going to school/living in the dorms, me going to work alone, me going to church. But he never "stops" me from doing anything, so I have a hard time seeing why he is controlling. I mean, don't controlling people say "you can't do this, you can't do that"?? He seems just paranoid to me. He has told me that it makes him really uneasy that I am independent and can "live without him" and he said that things in the relationship would improve if I thought like he did. But I can't bring myself to. I don't think it's healthy to "need" someone to survive! Other than that I can't see any warning signs of future abuse. Do you think he was testing me when he told me about the rape thing? He was acting really weird about it. I was so mad at him, telling him I was thinking about leaving. And he started asking me stuff like "what would you do if I did something really bad, if I didn't get better? would you leave?" And I asked him what he meant by "really bad" but he wouldn't tell me. And he asked "how would you react to me if that (the rape) actually happened?" and I told him I wouldn't be thinking much- I'd just be dead on the inside if he chose to hurt me like that. And he said he would have to be dead too, to even try something like that. But why was he asking me? It was like he was testing his limits or something. Do you think he was just trying to freak me out, or see what he would have to do for me to leave him? I just can't believe he was serious!!
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