I am really scared! I need to tell this to someone.

[Hope75]

OMG,

 

I am floored..... it is......I guess you can find anything on the net!!!!

[RayKay]

No one I knew came up in my city's hits

[DragonGirl724]

its an interesting concept for a websyte and completely legal.

 

-DG724

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Hmmph. I wonder, do I put myself up there and say bad stuff like "he has a big *beep* and manipulated me into cumming like two times a day minimum" and he luvs sex and makes me feel not good enough by always doing nice things for me?

[annie24]

Well - to get back to the topic, please leave this man! What's scary is that he has already told you he has fanatasized about raping you. So if, or when... most likely when he does, he will justify it as, "well - I told you I was going to do this, so it wasn't rape."

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Annie I think the whole board is for once unified on saying leave him. Beyond that nobody is gonna convince her

[a beautiful disaster]

Just an update. On everyone's advice, I took steps today on attempting to leave my boyfriend. I also told my family what he said to me last night, for the first time ever, the whole truth. They did not think it was a big deal- just told me that I tend to overreact to things. I don't know what to think anymore. If my own family, who overreacts to everything, thinks this isn't a problem- it must be something about me.

 

Anyway, my boyfriend and I talked for three hours about why I felt we needed a break. He was crying and telling me I was overreacting also. And he wouldn't leave my house, saying terrible things to me: like I don't know anything and I think I'm so smart and that I am not worth fighting for in his opinion because I cause so many problems and want to end the relationship when I know he is having a hard time. Basically he made me feel like nothing and he made me feel like a huge b*tch for leaving him when he is so miserable, and I felt stupid for trying to do anything about it.

 

I told him that why he is seeing the counselor, we should not have any contact with each other. I was going strong for a good two and half hours, not backing down even when he was begging me and telling me how much I was hurting him and saying I didn't know anything. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I "compromised". I told him to tell the counselor *everything* he has told me and ask her what we need to do. Maybe it'll help both of us if we get a professional opinion. That was finally enough to get him calmed down, because he realized he had won, at least partly.

 

Basically I feel awful right now. My family, who I expected to be there for me, brushed me off. I wasn't strong enough to break off the relationship, after only *three hours* of the fighting and manipulation that I expected and thought I was ready for! And I have probably permanently damaged whatever we had for even trying. And I think that I have overreacted hugely to what he said, and I feel stupid for it. I mean, all of you have thought it was a big deal, but maybe that's because you don't know the whole story or weren't there when it happened. So that's all for today. Thanks again, everyone. If there are any more updates or improvements, I will post.

[DragonGirl724]

we all here fear for your life. dont keep us worrying. i suggest breaking it off over the phone, and dont call from your home. when you DO MAKE THE CALL, dont break down. be strong! LET HIM HAVE IT! NO IFs ANDs OR BUTs!! DONT LISTEN TO ANY OF HIS REASONINGS, PLEADS, OR EXCUSES!!! JUST SAY YOUR PIECE AND HANG UP!! DITCH THIS PSYCHO!!!

 

-DG724

 

im appauled at you "compromising"...

 

head youre opening willing to accept verbal abuse from this guy. dont say we didnt warn you.

 

GOODLUCK is all i have left to say....

 

-DG724

[Hope75]

I'm sorry you didn't get the support that you deserve from your family but I still stand behind my post and others that this is seriously scary and it's not just what he said last night but all the other things he has said and done to you in an effort to control you and turn you away from your family and friends.

 

It's a pattern that leads to more serious abuse, I know because it happened to me.

 

If I were you I would call him back and tell him no compromise, it's over and stay the heck away from him.

There is no justification for the way he is behaving and the way he has been treating you.

 

I hope you have the good common sense to act on your own red flags and leave him, and right away.

[a beautiful disaster]

Just a note (in reply to DragonGirl724)- I have not given up. But I won't leave him when he is having such a bad time. He is under a tremendous amount of stress. He has told me that next week will be the worst week of his life- (and I won't go into detail about his problems because I don't know if he'd want me to share them), but I believe it. And if his own girlfriend can't be there to support him during a bad time, who's going to be? If I have to put my own selfishness aside for awhile until things calm down in his life, I am willing to put up with his behavior until I can get out of the relationship without hurting him this bad.

 

I'm not in danger. He would never hurt me, or anyone else (he's all talk and no action, he likes to make himself look tough but he is not). He isn't that kind of person. I can take care of myself, so don't worry. I know I am not as strong as most people, and I do not care about myself nearly as much as I should or have self esteem like other people. I have always put other's needs before mine. It is just who I am. But all that aside, I won't leave someone when they are feeling bad enough about their life to consider suicide. I have been there, and I know what it's like to be left alone by people you thought cared. I realize how frustrating this may seem to you, and to other normal people but I never intended any of it to be that way. I posted this because I needed to get it off my chest, and there was no one to talk to. I did not post this to start a battle between right and wrong. So I am sorry if you are offended by my decision. Don't get me wrong, I sincerely appreciate your support. You have been one of the only ones that has stuck with me today as I made some heavy choices.

 

This is the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life, and I do not yet know the proper way to go about fixing it. Part of me feels that this entire situation rests mostly on my shoulders, because a smart person would have never gotten themselves into a situation like this! But it's too late to place blame. My focus now is to help him change. I am praying that this counselling he will receive will be the answer! He will be getting professional help within the next week, and I believe he can be the person he once was! I know that he does not like who he is, I know that he wants to change. He is terrified of ending up like his father. I believe we need to work his problems out together, and I will also be talking to the counsellor and getting her opinion on our relationship. I'm just not sure that flat out leaving him was the best thing for me to try, but I do thank you for your advice. You seem very confident and independent, and I do not think you would ever find yourself in my place (at least I hope not) but as for me, I have to do what I think is best for both of us. I love him, and I want to help him. Thank you, once again, and I'm sorry I frustrate you so much.

 

And also- A HUGE thank you to Hope75! You give great advice! I have noticed your replies on other people's topics, and you always seem to know exactly what you are talking about. Thanks so much for the support! It was nice to hear from someone who has been in a situation similar to mine.

[DragonGirl724]

i agree with Pressfit, hes playing you girl. stringing you along with the sob stories. once again, goodluck. goodluck...carrying HIS BURDENS on YOUR shoulders, all while getting abused by him. goodluck indeed.

 

-DG724

[Strandysmommy]

Yep, you had to put your selfishness aside. You're so selfish worrying about your life, and your safety. Don't mean to sound like a female dog but this guy is classic. His problems aren't going to go away, he'll keep coming up with new ones. He won, he's got you, he's got control over you. You are not your own person anymore, you proved that today.

 

I think there are some people here who posted their advice who have been in your shoes. They got away, and that's why they're alive to post it.

 

Godspeed to you.

[melrich]

Hi beautiful disaster,

 

First let me say that you should not feel like you are letting people down here if you do not take their advice. No one has all the answers and ultimately you know the situation better than anyone. Some people just get a little too attached to their opinions. But at least I see that enotalone has assisted in giving you the confidence to talk to your boyfriend.

 

I don't know the full history here but now that you have talked to your boyfriend and I presume set some boundaries, make sure he sticks to them. Don't let your boundaries slip.

 

He has divulged his violent fantasies to you, that is a big step for him and the enactment of part or all of those fantasies is now a smaller step for him.

 

People graduate in steps. Foreshadowing his fantasies is one step, subtly testing them is another (the rough makeout sessions), upping the ante slightly is the next etc. etc.

 

Make sure you know where the boundaries are and enforce them. It is good you have told people close to you about this incident. It is unfortunate they have chosen to downplay it. Keep them informed if anything like this happens again or when you suspect there is an escalation in his behaviour.

 

If you believe what he said about the rape fantasies is sincre then you should be prepared because at some point he will try to make his fantasies come true with either you or someone else. Very often sexual fantasies like this, even though present from adolescence do not manifest into action until mid to late 30s. However it is also unusual for someone so young to expose such fantasies to someone else (again assuming he is genuine).

 

You should remain very careful with this person and take extra care to note any changes in his behaviour. As I said before, now that he has flagged this with you, the next step, actuallity, is that much smaller.

[Hope75]

Hi Beautiful Disaster.

 

Ultimately while it is of course your decision to make, I read your last post and I saw myself in it like a mirror, 10 years ago.

 

I have not given up. But I won't leave him when he is having such a bad time. He is under a tremendous amount of stress. He has told me that next week will be the worst week of his life- (and I won't go into detail about his problems because I don't know if he'd want me to share them), but I believe it. And if his own girlfriend can't be there to support him during a bad time, who's going to be? If I have to put my own selfishness aside for awhile until things calm down in his life, I am willing to put up with his behavior until I can get out of the relationship without hurting him this bad.

 

My ex said the very same thing to me, and I felt responsible for his actions and his well being, and so I stayed. This is manipulation in his part and you need to understand that your job is not to be his saviour or to help him change. You can't. No one can do that except him. You realize that you are putting his needs before your own and I ask you, who is looking out for you if you aren't?

 

I put up with this line for years before I had had enough, and you know what? Turn this line around and use it for yourself:

 

if his own girlfriend can't be there to support him during a bad time, who's going to be?

 

What about you? Who is going to be there for you??

 

If you don't care for yourself first you have nothing left to give someone else, including him. I realized that by not giving up on my boyfriend I was giving up on myself. And you know what? He attempted suicide the night I left him and he almost died. BUT, I cannot accept responsibility for that, just as you cannot accept responsibility for your bf's thoughts and actions. They are adults, and capable of governing themselves and being receptive to the consequences.

 

Next week when you are ready to leave him it will be something else. And the week after, something else. There will always be something that makes it a "hard time" or a "bad time" to break up with him.

 

Girl, break ups are tough, they are hard of both parties, and no matter when they happen, it is never easy. You need to take care of yourself. He can take care of himself, and it's not your job or your calling.

 

I hope you can see that by putting him in front of yourself you are draining yourself and will continue to do so until there is nothing left.

 

It is not selfish to be concerned about your own welfare.

[lakergal]

My ex talked about rape fantasies... a lot. Convinced me I was the VERY FIRST woman he'd ever dated that did NOT fantasize about it as well . . . he'd tell me that EVERY woman he'd been with including his wife and his ex gf liked the rape/taken fantasies... umm, no, violence against women is not a fantasy of mine, thank you very much.

 

We're both in our 40's. When he realized he couldn't "rape" me he did other things:

 

while doing the wild thing, he'd talk about other women - constantly

while doing the wild thing, he'd bring up specific women's names and what he'd like to do them

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

He twisted things until I felt so sorry for him that I'd been such a "bad gf" and tried just "that much harder" to make life easier for him... for 2 years. He "guilted" me when I asked him to move out saying, "I don't know where I'll go but I don't want to be where someone doesn't want me" replete with batting of eyes, and downtrodden head. Oh! I think once he even manifested TEARS!

 

Sadly, I bought all that b.s. He stayed.

 

He ended up "just" physically abusing me once in awhile... pushing me off chairs, shoving me aside with his "spare tire", pinning me on the floor and bending my arm backwards accross my back... of course, that was after 2 years of emotional and verbal abuse.

 

Then suddenly, he left about 2 months ago - with $3k in debt owed to me, my broken heart, my confusion, my everything...

 

I was sickened - I thought - had been tormented into thinking - I could not live without him. Read my posts - you'll see...

 

2 weeks ago I went to see him - he gave me his new address, said he wanted to be with me, and that he missed me - I won't go into the facts of it all - you can read the posts - but... it ended up with him throwing me to the concrete... and humiliating me.

 

I'm angry now, not hurt. No, I take that back. I'm pissed. Very pissed. I'm angry this man used and abused me and RAPED me emotionally. I'm pissed at myself for allowing him to do so.

 

For two years I was "afraid" to leave him when he was going through so much at work... HA! He's always got drama going on.

 

Went to a counselor today - he said the man, my ex, is DANGEROUS... to himself and to others. He told me that men like that eventually get even more angry and more violent... that eventually, if his fantasies are that entrenched in his brain, he will act on them.

 

So... if you don't believe what we're telling you (ignore anyone who says not to trust your instincts)... believe the professional I'm seeing because someone sounding very similar to your bf, is my ex.

 

His name doesn't start with an "I" does it?!

[a beautiful disaster]

Lakergal: Lol. No, his name starts with a T. But thanks for your reply. It was really helpful to hear your story (I am so glad you got away from that guy! He sounds like way more a jerk than my boyfriend! I feel awful that you had to put up with that for so long hun!).

 

In other news, today my boyfriend had his first of six counselling sessions. He told the counsellor almost everything about our relationship and got her opinion. According to her, we need to work out our problems together, and leaving him why he is getting help wasn't necessarily the best approach by me. So I guess that's where I'm at today. Already I could notice a little change in him. He seemed a lot happier and more into solving his problems, rather than waiting around for people to solve them for him. He was of course being really sweet to me after all he said yesterday, but I expected that! That's how it's always been, but it still made me feel hopeful. He told me what the counsellor said, and she seems really smart and gives him good advice.

 

Also, I called the National Domestic Violence hotline from a payphone and told them our story. They thought it was serious, but when I asked if he could change through the counselling, they said it was possible. So I feel hopeful. I believe he really wants to change and will do his best at trying. I just hope after the sessions are over, he sticks with it! Thank you so much, once again, everyone!

[annie24]

According to her, we need to work out our problems together, and leaving him why he is getting help wasn't necessarily the best approach by me. So I guess that's where I'm at today.

 

You didn't actually hear the counsellor say this, right? This is what your bf said she said, right? I'm a little weary that this is what the counsellor actually said....

 

I understand that your bf is going through a tough time in his life right now, but remember... "It's an explanation, not an excuse!" No matter how hard things get, he is not supposed to abuse you or treat you like crap. If you are standing by him, the very least he can do is to stand by you and be respectful towards you.

 

I'm glad that he is seeking therapy, and I hope he continues it and that things improve for you two. Good luck.

[lakergal]

I agree with Annie - unless you were there and actually heard the words come out of the counselor's mouth, your "gf should not leave you while you are working through things", I'd laugh in his face.

 

Have you ever been to a counselor? I don't mean that in a negative, condescending way...

 

Counselors, rarely if ever, give that kind of advice on first visit.

 

One, you're not married.

 

Two, the counselor is only hearing what your bf is saying, not your side as well.

 

If you two are going together to counseling and you're both being VERY honest about the rape thing, the abuse, then I'd really question the qualifications of the counselor.

 

I know you want to be hopeful - trust me I understand that - but don't be blinded by his lies (again).

 

Remember my story - please. Remember others' stories - please.

[Hope75]

Yes I am also curious if your bf went alone of if you went as well, because I find it very hard to swallow that the counselor would say this with so little to go on, as Lakergal said, you are not married, so it seems highly unlikely the therapist would urge you to stay with him. I too think it could be a total fabrication on your bf's part to get you to stay with him.

 

I'm glad you called the NDAH, it's a step in the right direction, and they were rightly concerned for you as well.

 

We are really not trying to make you feel badly here, we are just trying to tell you how very alarming your bf's behaviour has been and how careful you need to be with this.

 

If I were you I would still leave him.

[a beautiful disaster]

Well, I see your point. But I do not think he would lie to me about this. He is just as concerned for himself as I am, and it's not just me who's pushing him to change. I don't think he'd be so desperate as to lie to me about making me stay with him. Apparently, my being there is just something that will make things a little easier. He is a lot of things, but I don't think he's a liar.

 

Of course, it did make me a little uneasy because I do not know what he told the counsellor, and I would really like her to hear my side of the story. I am trying to arrange a session where I can be there also. He told her about his sexual fantasies (I'm pretty sure the violent ones) and her advice to him was excersise! Lol. So I don't know what that will do. But I guess we are desperate here. Do you guys think that is good advice? I was a little like "WHAT?" when he told me that. Is it supposed to weaken his libido or something?? We both just laughed about it. Do you know what it would help or why she would say that? It just confused me really bad. Other than that though, she told him he needs to change his perceptions and stop seeing the negative side of things to deal with his anger, which is something I know he will try to work at. After all, this is only the first session.

 

I do not really think this situation will grow to be very serious. Some of you have said that I am being abused, but I do not think he is being abusive to me right now. Could you tell me what signs in his behavior, as of now, are directly being "abusive" to me? Yes, I deffinately see the warning signs in the relationship, but I believe it is early enough to stop *actual* abuse from starting. If someone could answer that excersise question for me, and the other one too, that would be really helpful!

[annie24]

The answer to your exercise question is that your BS meter is going off, as well it should. I don't know exactly what he told his therapist, or what she told him, but I'll bet you any amount of money that if he told her that he had violent fantasies of raping you, she wouldn't suggest that you stay with him, and that all he needs to do is exercise. That's why things don't sound right. Because he isn't telling you the truth - or, he's manipulating things the therapist said. For example, the therapist may have told him, in general, that he should exercise more. However, that's a very broad statement, as most people should exercise more. I don't think she said that in context of the rape fantasy.

 

Listen to your BS meter, ok?

[Hope75]

sometimes when we are making out he throws me down on the bed and pins me down (he left a bruise once). And when we are just normally kissing, he holds my head really hard and won't let me pull away.

 

He told me that since I won't have sex with him (we've been together a little more than a year) he told me that he is reduced to thinking about raping me and cheating on me or leaving me to get it

 

I was crying when he told me, then he sounded disgusted with me that I was reacting at all

 

And he says stuff like "violence is the only way to deal with certain people". And the idea of rape turns him on because he likes to think about "getting what he wants". I am so terrified. I can't break up with him. It's not even an option. I do not know what he is capable of anymore. There's no one to turn to.

 

I have known for the better part of five months that he does not love me anymore, and maybe never did.

 

I had a lot of self confidence and independance, but now it's like he's taken all that away! He tells me that he thinks I couldn't live without him, and I am starting to believe it

 

he starts crying and guilt-tripping me (which he always does when I ask for a few days apart).

 

I know that he does not love me, and it's really bad that we have only been together a year

 

My best friend knows the whole story, but she has fallen away from me and doesn't really talk to me anymore because she is so angry with me that I have not left him yet.

 

And he wouldn't leave my house, saying terrible things to me like I don't know anything and I think I'm so smart and that I am not worth fighting for in his opinion because I cause so many problems and want to end the relationship.... Basically he made me feel like nothing and he made me feel like a huge b*tch...

 

Basically I feel awful right now.

 

So here are some things I pulled from your posts that are indicators of physical (the first quote) and emotional abuse. These are all things you've said or he's said or you've done or he's done that show me that he does not love you, he does care for your welfare, all he cares about is himself and having what he wants, which is you.

 

I doubt highly that he told the counselor everything, and exercise is not going to make him stop having violent thoughts and fantasies, that is absolutely ridiculous. (which makes me think even more that he didn't tell her the whole story.)

 

He is just as concerned for himself as I am

 

Exactly. Why are you putting him before yourself?? You owe it to yourself to take care of you first. He is not your project or responsibility. You are 19 years old. Your life is just beginning with endless possibilities, why are you dead ending yourself already with this guy?

 

I am sorry, I have known guys like this and loved a guy like this and he is just going to keep progressing and if you stay you will get the brunt of it, I promise you that.

 

NO ONE who loved you would EVER tell you he is reduced to thinking of raping you because you will not have sex with him.

 

NO ONE who respected you would freak out and cry and harp on you when you asked for a few days to yourself.

 

NO ONE who truly cared about your feelings and wellbeing would take away your independance and self confidence.

 

Your best friend doesn't like him for a reason.

 

You kept this from your family for a reason.

 

Don't you get it?

WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING WITH HIM?????? ](*,) ](*,)

[annie24]

Hi Hope - I dunno if this will help beautiful, but what was it that finally made you realize that your ex bf was abusive and you needed to leave him?

[a beautiful disaster]

NO ONE who loved you would EVER tell you he is reduced to thinking of raping you because you will not have sex with him.

 

This is what my mother said, so I am just going to repeat her: She told me that guys will say and think those things at some point. She said that she thinks I am driving him sexually crazy and should probably just have sex with him if I have such a problem with him saying those things. Both my mother and my sister told me it was normal for a guy to think like that at some point. Not to sound disrespectful of your opinion or anything, (in fact I really appreciate that you are still reading this after everything!), but my mother has had a ton of relationships (none were abusive) and my sister knows more about guys than I do (this is my first boyfriend and I am nineteen!) And neither of them have been in relationships that were scary and/or abusive, and my mom says that guys think like that if they get really frustrated about not being able to have sex.

[annie24]

Yes, I can see how a man can get frustrated. However, I can't believe that your mother is telling you to disregard your own religious views! Now, if saving your virginity until marriage is something that is important to you, your bf should respect that! He's been dating you for a year - he knows what he "signed up for." If he wants sex, then he should break up with you, or marry you, or, hell, even cheat on you! BUT TELLING YOU HE WANTS TO RAPE YOU IS UNACCEPTABLE!!!