I am really scared! I need to tell this to someone.

[TheBecksterKid]

Hold on a second. Just because someone feels they would have pleasure in raping someone doesn't mean they are going to go threw it. Perhaps he is sadistic in that sense. But if he said he was going to do something Against your will then thats truly wrong. Like I said, it depends on the situation. I enjoy thoughts of raping and being raped, so does my bf, we both love violent sex and are both very sadistic and share our violent thoughts of each other in pain, but we both know deep down we would never do it against each others will. Where you sure he told you he was going to do this AGAINST your will or he just told you how he felt ( His turn ons, etc.)

[annie24]

While it is true that plenty of normal people enjoy rough sex and have consenting "rape fantasies," the fact that he wouldn't let her switch her hours at work, and was trying to keep her away from her friends is really scary.

[RayKay]

Hold on a second. Just because someone feels they would have pleasure in raping someone doesn't mean they are going to go threw it. Perhaps he is sadistic in that sense. But if he said he was going to do something Against your will then thats truly wrong. Like I said, it depends on the situation. I enjoy thoughts of raping and being raped, so does my bf, we both love violent sex and are both very sadistic and share our violent thoughts of each other in pain, but we both know deep down we would never do it against each others will. Where you sure he told you he was going to do this AGAINST your will or he just told you how he felt ( His turn ons, etc.)

 

Maybe read the rest of her posts to get a better idea of the situation...I mentioned in one of my posts fantasies are normal, but this guy is going far beyond fantasy with this and is controlling, manipulative and emotionally (and potentially physically) abusive.

[a beautiful disaster]

TheBecksterKid:

 

Yes, that is how I felt the other day. But the more that I began to look at the situation, the more I felt that it was not normal.

 

I didn't mention this earlier, because I knew it would worsen the situation and make me look even dumber for not leaving him (which is what I am taking steps to do now after I have talked to the people here), but he told me that he has driven by girl's houses/walked by their houses/picked girl's out of crowds and has come close to "losing control" and raping them. He told me that once he came close enough to actually walk up to a girl's door, a girl in his neighborhood. She had left her door open and was inside showering. And he felt that he was not even himself anymore and that there was another presense inside of him controlling him, but he managed to stop himself and turn around before he got to the door. He told me this months ago, and it scared me to death but I tried to ignore it, assuring him we would "fix the problem together."

 

Now, because of Hope, Annie, and the rest of the people here, I realize that was an idiotic decision on my part. I realize now that his fantasies could easily have become criminal behavior. I talked to the hotline last night about this and they told me that someone who would come close to breaking into someone's house and raping them, even just thinking of it, are extremely unstable and dangerous. My boyfriend knows how I feel about the rape thing, and he knows I am totally against violence of any kind so there is no way in hell that he would assume that this "turns me on". I still do not know why he told me. I refuse to believe that it was because he planned to hurt me, but I will no longer condone this behavior either way. I am getting out while I can. Not to sound disrespectful of your opinion, but I am starting to see the realities of my situation for the first time thanks to this website and I do not want to become a victim of abuse and/or rape.

[RayKay]

beautiful disaster -

 

I must say I am speechless after reading your last post, you are right if you had posted that earlier people would of told you to get your butt out of there! Honestly now I really fear for other girls, actually stalking and following girls, well that is beyond "fantasizing" and way into "almost doing"......this is indeed very scary, and I am really not sure what could be done to prevent it...the police don't do much for "potential future crimes" but this is very scary. Many rapists/violent offenders "escalate" from stalking towards rape....

 

I am soooooo glad you got out of there, but I am afraid for other girls still.

 

I imagine he told you to test you and to find out how you would react if he did follow through, as had been suggested in previous posts. Who knows, but it is not normal. And you are very smart for removing yourself finally from this situation. He is definitely dangerous, unstable, and much much more.

[a beautiful disaster]

RayKay:

 

Yeah, I agree now (finally). Thanks. This is the last time I'm posting, for real Just had to make that one last comment because I felt like I had to justify my leaving him to her. . . for some odd reason. I have hid a lot of "little details" such as that from you guys because thinking about them scares me and makes me ashamed to be with him. . .

 

Anyway, I've devised a plan with my best friend. I talked to her about this. When she gets back I can either A: go to her house and call him from there so he won't be able to come over and see me. She said I can stay there for a few days if I need to. B: break up with him at a restaurant or something and have her sister's husband (one of my good friends) stand off to the side just in case something happens (this dude was in prison, so he knows how fight. lol). I still don't think my boyfriend can get violent with me though, so this is a last resort.

 

I am choosing choice A. For one thing, I need to be able to hang up. When he gets those teary eyes and the sob stories about how bad his life has been, I break down. I always do. So being with him when I do it, as nice as it would be to do it in person, is not an option in our relationship. I think this is a good time to leave him because he will be in counselling, so he can have someone to talk to about how pissed he is at me without killing himself/harming himself/harming others (hopefully!!), even though I know I shouldn't consider it my responsibility, I feel tremendous guilt when it comes to this guy (almost to the point of him being like my child or something. . . don't mean that in a sick way Anyway, I plan to do this next weekend. This week I am making plans with my boss to switch schedules (I really can't quit right now, with my financial situation. And this is a college town, so it is mad hard to find jobs anywhere in the summer. If you've got a job, you gotta keep it. That's the unspoken rule here- even though I'd feel so much more comfortable quitting because there is that risk of seeing him. . .

 

But anyway, I am ready. And I am shaking. But guys, honestly from the bottom of my heart, no one has ever opened my eyes about my boyfriend. I can hear over and over "just leave him" but it never registered until last night (you all saw how stubborn I was). Anyway, this is the last time I post for awhile. When I come back, things will be different. Somehow. Thank you sincerely. Everything I wrote here was true, and the reason I kept coming back over and over was because I felt desperate. I was searching for the thing I found last night: Truth, reality, fear, a wake up call, a slap in the face. I dunno what what to call it. It was just what I needed. Thank you all so much! I will keep you posted. Wish me luck and if you pray: please, please pray for me!

[lakergal]

I'm very proud of you! For whatever that means... I am.

 

Please don't drop out of sight or we'll worry worse... for you.

 

You made some awesome plans for yourself... and it sounds like you have some decent support... stick to it all.

 

If you find yourself wondering and unable to sleep at night, this is what I do...

 

1) Start counting my blessings. For me, it's my son, my parents, my friends, my job, my health, and that I don't have to live on eggshells anymore with my ex

 

2) Start by letting go, and letting God. It's an Al Anon saying but if I can somehow detach myself from the situation and put it literally into God's hands, somehow I'm able to sleep and calm myself.

 

Congrats on doing something for YOU! Congrats on doing something for YOUR future...

 

Laker

[Hope75]

beautiful disaster,

 

I too am SOOOOOO proud of you! I'm so psyched that you realize how dangerous he is and how great it is going to be once you get away from him.

 

Are you going to switch your hours at work? It's going to be an adjustment for you, but I think if you see him you won't be able to help yourself, like you said.

 

I think it's great you told your dad, so you not only have his support, but when you are tempted to take this creep back, call your dad instead, and he can give you 1 million reasons why you shouldn't call him.

 

Again, I am soooo proud and happy for you and please, if I could help just one person by being stubborn and repetative and telling my story than it was all worth it.

 

I told you you were stronger than you knew. 8)

 

Hope

 

PS- please keep us updated.

[sonjam]

Guys, just to be a witness to this girl waking up with a start, is why Ive been coming to this site for years, to HELP, and make others see, what we see now, what we also had to go through and get our own wakeup call. 8)

[a beautiful disaster]

Okay, so I said I'd keep you guys posted. Here's the jist of what happened last night (me and my boyfriend are no longer together, by the way).

 

Yesterday I was reading online about how to best go about ending an abusive relationship, and the advice I got was to slowly become less likeable- like more boring and stuff and start saying I was depressed and confused. I've already been doing this for weeks, because I really have been feeling depressed and confused. lol. So last night I went over there to take the next step they advised me on: suggesting just a few days apart before you drop the bomb (which I planned to do next weekend). This apparently was supposed to lessen the severity of his reaction. So last night I went over there and told him I am at a weird place in my life and need to think about things. I told him I'd still really, really like a break why he is in counselling, no matter what the counsellor says.

 

He started getting angry with me and saying scary stuff like, "The only way I can survive without you is if you're dead." And it didn't seem like a threat, really, but it scared the piss out of me.

 

And then he finally agreed to the break (YAY), but obviously he was still pissed about it. Just to hurt me, he started saying cruel things like I am abandoning him in his "time of need" and making me feel like a b*tch again. Then he said, "You know what this break means to me? It just means that pus*y is back on the menu." And it hurt me so bad and I got up to leave because I was so mad and he grabbed my wrists and was begging me to stay, not hard really but hard enough to make it so I couldn't pull away. And he wouldn't let go until I sat back down. So I did.

 

And he was crying and freaking out. And he started banging his head against the wall and hurting himself in various ways in front of me and I was begging him to stop. And then I said I was leaving and got up to leave again and he grabbed my arms so I couldn't move and I was starting to cry and saying, "Please let me go, please let me go home. I want to be with my parents." And he was crying and saying he was sorry, but he wouldn't let me go. And then his dad heard what was going on, so he calmed down a little and let me go. I got out of there and fled to my best friend's house (I ended up staying the night).

 

God I'm so scared he's going to kill himself. I am so scared guys. I want to call him, I know I shouldn't! This hurts so bad! He hurt me, but I feel like I am the one to blame!! I am going to work today to change my schedule. His mom called me last night and delivered a "message" to me from him. It basically said that he was sorry, that he loved me more than anything, that he was going to get better for me. And she told me that nobody blamed me for doing what I did, but I still feel terrible! Everything I do reminds me of him- like the good times we had. This hurts so bad! Do you think what he did to me was wrong, or was it my fault? I think it was my fault.

 

I shouldn't have been stupid. . . I just thought it would be better than outright dumping him next weekend. But anyway. . . I guess it's over. I know he doesn't think it is, but I am scared to tell him that this "break" is permanent because I don't want to see what he'll do next. Hopefully after the counselling is over, he'll be detached from me a little and possibly better so he won't take it as bad when I tell him it's officially over forever. Anyway, just wanted to update. I am fighting the urge to call him. My best friend had to steal my phone last night and turn it on mute because he called me twice in a row before his mom finally did, and I was trying to answer and practically fighting her for it. Anyway, I just thought I'd write instead of worrying about this. . . god I really feel pathetic and terrible. Somehow I thought I'd feel justified and empowered. . . I feel just the opposite, and very terrified.

[sonjam]

Please please stop taking the blame for his behaviour. HE won't do anything to himself, it is all an act to keep you, to make you feel guilty and stay. YOU ARE GOING TO BE FINE, AND SO IS HE. Please don't go back!

 

None of this is your fault, you are a prisoner in a nasty nasty situation, and you needed to get out, get your life back.. Now you did it.

 

Don't go back. Avoid taking his calls, seeing him any CONTACT!

[annie24]

Yes, like sonjam said, this is all an act. He is trying to make you feel guilty, and he is succeeding. Don't let him! Like he said, "***** is back on the menu." He's trying to hurt you, every which way he can think to do so.

 

Stay strong!

[RayKay]

None of this is your fault sweetheart, you did the right thing....I guarantee he will likely call you in a week or a day or two, and then I think you should tell him that you cannot talk to him anymore. Do NOT see him in person again alone, absolutely not.

 

He was trying to control you, by hurting you and gaining back the power that you told him he was losing. His way of gaining power is to hurt you, and cause you to fear his actions as a consequence of your decision - don't fall for it or allow it to change your mind.

 

Honey, he is sick and mentally unstable, and that is NOT your fault, and you are not responsible for his actions right now even if he does take them further (which I doubt he will). I know it is hard to see that, or feel that right now, but whatever is wrong with HIS mind right now is not your fault. I really hope counselling helps him, I really do, as I hope he can confront some of his issues and find solutions, but you are not the one to be there for him through that, or be responsible if he does not.

[Hope75]

Hi Beautiful disaster,

 

I first want to say how proud I am of you for walking away, and sticking to your guns even when he pulled every trick in the book out to try and make you guilty and afraid enough to stay with him.

 

This is what controlling people do, when they suddenly realize that their puppet (i.e. you) has a life of their own and is taking it back.

 

Don't let him manipulate you into feeling guilty or staying. You are leaving him because he is mentally unstable and dangerous and he has already gotten you into a pattern or abuser/abusee beautifully, and he hates to think of losing that control.

 

He has his parents right there with him, and him threatening his own life is a dirty and low down trick that my ex used on me too, and you remember, my ex did act on it and tried to kill himself to get me to come back, but it that a good reason to take someone back? Because you are afraid to leave them? NO. I did not take responsibility for my exes' action, and you can't either.

 

Hon, he is an adult, and perfectly responsible for his own actions and happiness, it has nothing to do with you. You did absolutely the right thing.

 

Is the best friend who's home you went to last night the one who wouldn't speak to you because you wouldn't leave him? Is she back yet? Lean on her, please. She feels the same way you do about this and she will be a good support system for you.

 

As everyone else has said, while you are feeling weak, which could last a while, do not talk to him. He will pray on any weak spot you have to get his power and his puppet back. He tried jealousy, guilt, veiled threats... do you see how scary he is, and only after one year??? He was just getting started. You are so lucky to have realized this and gotten out. You are free!

 

Oh, girl, I am so happy that you got away from him and I really am praying for you that you stay the heck away from him. You just saved your own life.

 

Good for you!! Please keep us updated, and post here often when you need support, (or not!) and are feeling low or weak (or not!)

[Strandysmommy]

Wow, that crying and banging his head and trying to hurt himself is just like a tactic the toddlers in my classroom use when they're having a temper tantrum. Temper tantrums are a way to try and exude control over someone, and that's what he was trying to do.

 

It's scary; you see, he was grabbing your wrists and arms? Imagine sometime down the road if you two were together and whatnot and something ticked him off. You've dodged a bullet here, as you've been told. You're much stronger for it.

[a beautiful disaster]

Wow, that crying and banging his head and trying to hurt himself is just like a tactic the toddlers in my classroom use when they're having a temper tantrum.

 

Yes, I have often felt that I am a babysitter rather than a girlfriend. Lol. Anyway, I haven't called him and I feel way stronger than I did this morning. His mom told me he was doing fine, so really I know he wouldn't try anything. It just hurts that it had to end so badly, but what did I expect? Did I expect him to smile and say, "whatever makes you happy, baby." No, that's what happens in normal relationships (at least some). Anyway, thanks for the support guys. Don't know what I would do without this website. Oh yeah, in reply to Hope's question, yes that was my best friend who had been mad at me. She apparently got back from the camp two days early (yesterday afternoon) and she's really supportive of my decision, and she said she will do anything it takes to keep me away from him (including stealing my cell phone and hiding it under her shirt. lol.)

 

My parents were also really happy about what I did, but they are kind of overreacting (as parents do). They don't want me under any circumstances to be alone with him anymore, even though I still don't think he's dangerous to me. Unstable, yes. Dangerous. . . ?? Question mark. I've got another question about that topic. Last night he was throwing stuff around the room (not very big stuff) and I kept on flinching, and then he just got this smirk on his face and was like "What? that wasn't meant to hit you." You think he was lying? It made me feel like he wanted to intentionally hurt me. . . Anyways, just wondering how far you think he wanted to go with that. . . And again, thanks a bunch!

[RayKay]

Well to be blunt - he is a jerk and once again was trying to manipulate you with that behaviour and gain control. He was trying to instill fear in you, it was not "unintentional" - not in the least. May he have taken it further...maybe, maybe not...but even as far as it was it is abusive...it is playing with your emotions to hurt you.

 

I don't think your parents are overreacting to be honest, I think they are doing as parents should and watching out for their children. Any good, loving parent would do the same. I don't think you should be alone with him either.

 

Really glad your friend is sticking by your side now and being a true friend, even when for a while she was out of your life due to her not agreeing to him. Even then, I have to say, she was being a friend and looking out for you. Keep her around, as she sounds like a great person and will be very helpful to you in the next while especially.

[Hope75]

Oh yeah, in reply to Hope's question, yes that was my best friend who had been mad at me. She apparently got back from the camp two days early (yesterday afternoon) and she's really supportive of my decision, and she said she will do anything it takes to keep me away from him (including stealing my cell phone and hiding it under her shirt. lol.)

 

I am so glad she is back and you have her support. It must be so good to have her in your life again!

 

I agree with Ray Kay, your parents are absolutely not overreacting. This guy is VERY dangerous, and grabbing you, forcing you to sit down and not letting you leave is abuse, and throwing things around with a malicious smile and taunting you in trying to manipulate you with fear.

 

Everything I read about him makes me so glad that you got away from him before it was too late. You most certainly should not be anywhere alone with him.

 

Hang in there, you are stronger than you know, and I will keep telling you that until you believe it.

[a beautiful disaster]

Is it okay if I whine for a second. . . just because this is the only place I can? Okay well I'm going to anyway, so no point in asking.

 

I had NO IDEA it would hurt this bad. Why didn't someone tell me? I thought it would feel better if I broke up with him. I'm having nightmares. Even my sleep is full of doubts about my decision. Basically the only things I've done today are sitting around feeling sorry for myself, eating a ton of Taco Bell, and doing the dishes because I'm that desperate to stop thinking of him. He called me yesterday. I shouldn't have answered, but no one was around to stop me except myself. Gee. . . where do you think that led? Basically he told me that he missed me really bad and that he couldn't stop thinking about me and that I deserve so much better than him. I started to feel guilty so I got off the phone really fast. He hasn't called me since, because I told him that talking to him hurt me a lot. I guess for once he thought of my feelings. . .

 

Anyway, I went to work today and told my boss I won't be in for the rest of the week and when I come back I will need a new schedule. He told me it was okay, so I guess I still have a job (yay). I am trying to dwell on the bad times in the relationship to justify my leaving, but the good times are there as well. And they are haunting me! I'm to the point that if he called me today, I think I would be too weak to even hang up at all. I mean, I think I am so weak I would take him back if he called me and asked me today. He is at work now, so I don't guess that will happen.

 

How long will it hurt like this? A week? A month? I can't handle more than that. I've got a lot to do, and I can't function. I am starting to think I blew this out of proportion (I know logically that I did absolutely the right thing, but since it hurts so bad I am trying to justify my pain in other ways). Is this pain because I really loved him, or is it because I was so attached to him? Or are they the same? Do you think maybe I could have made it work if I had stayed? That thought hurts worse than anything. . .

[thisisnotanexit]

hey there

 

we're all here for you - hang in there

 

it will get better and you are so mature for doing this! it's for the best!

[Hope75]

Hey beautiful,

 

No hon, you could not have made it work if you stayed. Your ex is a sick man and he was pushing farther and farther towards really dangerous behaviour, and you did just the right thing by getting away from him before he really hurt you more than he already has. What you had was not love, but codependancy. You were getting comfortable with the abuse you were suffering. He was breaking you down to think you don't deserve any better. Manipulating you by saying you were leaving in his time of need. It is your time of need. Your time to look out for you and your own safety. You did the right thing.

Remember all his controlling behaviours, like making you have the same job and schedule, grabbing your wrists, threatening you with rape and violence, throwing things around and being malicious with you, there are way too many to list here but girl, you did the right thing! Make a list if you need to, and read it to yourself a few times a day to reinforce why you guys broke up.

 

It is going to hurt, for a little while. You are going to try and justify what he did in favor of times he may have been nice, but it is not enough. His behaviour was violent and controlling and you did not blow this out of proportion. You had red flags and warning bells going off left and right in your head for a reason.

 

It's best if you don't pick up the phone when he calls. If you have to turn the phone off for a few days, do that. Anything you can do not to talk with him. He knows you are weak right now and he will use that to manipulate you and try to get you back under his control, he wants his puppet back. Don't let him victimize you for another second.

 

You are a strong and brave, intelligent woman and I am very proud of you for staying strong, but you need to keep it up too. Don't forget why you were terrified. Don't forget why you got away from him. Don't let yourself be another statistic, another woman who went back and let herself be controlled and abused.

 

Exercise, read, hang with friends, esp. your best friend. post here, do whatever it takes not to call him. The first few weeks are the hardest, but you can do so much better and when you are ready you will meet someone who truly loves and respects you and treats you the way you deserve to be treated, not someone who threatens to rape and harm you and tries to control and manipulate your behaviour.

 

Remember why you lost your best friend, because you let him treat you this way! You don't want to lose her again, and you will if you go back and let yourself be abused again, and yes, he was abusing you.

 

Be strong, and keep posting. Tell us how you are doing and how you are feeling. We are here for you.

[armchairshrink]

Hey Beautiful,

 

Before we get to you, let me give you a little background about me. I am a privacy nut; I have been a victim of identity theft; AND I have been stalked. I tell you this so you know that I DO NOT join online forums or hand out unnecessary personal information. But I put all that aside to join this forum in order to tell you that everyone on this forum so far is right: You did the right thing! Stay strong!!

 

I wish my college roommate and dear friend had had this forum when she was in high school. You see, her boyfriend and her situation sounded a lot like yours, only she stuck with him for 3 years. Then one day, he decided he was tired of not having sex, and tired of her. SO HE RAPED HER, AND BEAT AND CHOKED HER, AND ALMOST KILLED HER. Then he took her home and broke up with her (!). So she told her family what happened; and much to her surprise, her mom and sister told her, "Well, that's what you get for not giving him sex! If you had, he would not have raped you!"

 

Now, in order to forestall the angry reactions from everyone on the forum, let me skip to the end of the story. She is fine now (or as fine as she's going to be); she has her life back, and her self-esteem, and a great job in another state, and she's dating again (it has now been years since the attack). HE is a nothing living on the edge in the same podunk town. And as for mom and sister? They eventually explained to my friend that they were SO horrified, and SO hurt, and SO afraid, that they just blurted out that response. They didn't even know why. But my friend and her family have reconciled. She has even run into her former boyfriend/rapist/attempted murderer when she went home to podunk for a visit with her folks. And guess what? When he saw her, alive and well and successful and happy, HE acted afraid! He didn't know what to do, and ran out of the store.

 

So believe me when I tell you, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING! You sound like a very caring person, to still want to help this man who was abusive to you in every way. Don't feel bad for leaving; remember you are NOT a professional therapist and you've done all you can, and more than he has a right to expect. And he sounds like such a hard case that even professionals may not be able to help him.

 

As for your family's reaction ... well, you read what happened to my friend. People freak out when their loved ones are endangered (they're not professional therapists either), and react in strange, unexpected ways. They may also not believe that you're serious about leaving him. I think they could have shown more excitement, but hey, they're human too. Just know that WE support you. And your friends (and family) have spent the last year telling you how much they care, too. So don't let one lukewarm reaction make you doubt yourself.

 

As for the pain you feel, I'm sorry it hurts. It's going to for awhile. It hurts to lose someone we love (even when we're the ones who leave), and it hurts to end any chapter in our lives, no matter how bad. I'm not trying to be harsh here, but there's one more thing you need to consider. It hurts also because he was partially successful in his manipulation/emotional abuse of you. It's obvious from your postings. Abusers are really good at that, so don't feel bad about absorbing any part of what he said and did to you. But you may wish to consider getting professional help. Keep your old friends, and go make new ones. And keep posting, because you've got a huge support base here. Good luck, and may the deity of your choice bless and keep you.

[a beautiful disaster]

armchairshrink-

 

Love your name! Gosh I am sorry you had your identity stolen. That's like. . . one of my worst nightmares. I don't know why- since I carry no credit cards or anything of any real value. Got about two hundred bucks in the bank and I live from paycheck to paycheck. But still Anyway, thank you for your post about your friend. I am sorry that had to happen to her. It really sucks that her family reacted like that too.

 

Anyway, I know I did the right thing. But the thing is, you can know something until you are blue in the face, but knowing it is nothing- it's like vapor, air, empty space until you believe it. Believing it is what makes it real. I hope I am heading to a point in my life where I can believe I made the right choice. Until then I feel that I will be in this much pain.

 

I feel so ugly, so unlovable. I just wish I could disappear. I don't feel that I will ever be loved again- and I know you all think he never loved me, but I know he did. In some way. And I think it was my only chance, and it was a mess. It was doomed from the start. That was all I get. Like a game- my number's up- I lose. I know I am only nineteen, but it has taken me nineteen years to build a relationship with anybody and what if that is all I'm going to get? What if it takes me nineteen more years to realize it's too late? I'm not okay with being the crazy-old-lady-who-owns-a-thousand-cats anymore, like I used to joke about becoming when I was a kid. Now that I've felt love, even a little, I will not be okay with never having it again.

 

Anyway, I know I am whining. I just have never felt so alone. I try to be normal. I try to do normal things and I can't function. I try to go out and then ten minutes of driving later, I realize I want to be at home in my room. I go home to my room and I realize I HAVE to get away or I'll go insane, so I go back to my car and repeat the cycle. I can't win. I'm a prisoner in my own head.

 

There's no one to talk to, because everytime I try to talk about this my throat just closes and I can't speak. I don't know why. It's like I'm choking and I can't breathe for a second. I can't talk to anyone. And it hurts so bad to keep it in. I feel like I need to cry but the tears won't come out, and my throat hurts so bad because there is this lump there. He's emailed me twice now- yesterday and last night. And I know I should be ignoring this. . . but I ended up feeling really bad that he hasn't emailed me today. I ended up checking my email about every hour just hoping and hoping to hear from him. That's pathetic, I know. I don't know how to stop.

 

I called the counselling service numbers, or at least tried. But then I ended up feeling really bad because those services are for people who've actually been in a real "abusive" situation, and I feel like I haven't. So I didn't think I should do it- plus there is the no money issue. And I feel like I don't have an "excuse" to be in so much pain as to need a counsellor to sort it out. I don't think my relationship was "bad enough" to have to take action like that. So I think I will just tough it out on my own. Thanks so much, you guys. I will get through this, I just don't know when anymore.

[Hope75]

Hi beautiful,

 

 

I called the counselling service numbers, or at least tried. But then I ended up feeling really bad because those services are for people who've actually been in a real "abusive" situation, and I feel like I haven't.

 

It most certainly was an abusive situation, and you will get advice and support if you go.

 

You are right, he did not love you, that was control and neediness, real love is giving your partner the chance to grow and change and make their own choices, respecting and supporting those choices, none on which he did.

 

And you are also right that you are only 19 and the best is yet to come. I have friends who married in their 40's, and I will be 30 this year and still not there myself, but I have had alot of love in my life and I will have more, and so will you.

 

Where is your best friend? Lean on her right now, she is there for you and she agrees with what you did. Of course you have us too, we are always here to listen.

 

I think you should call back the numbers for the counselling, you definitely need it and you are more than qualified.

 

Hang in there, and I hope you are not answering his emails, don't let him do this to you. Be strong!

[brando]

I disagree. I think you have been in an abusive situation. You said you were confident and independent when first dating this person, and now you feel you arent. Dont you see, this is part of the verbal abuse, he is destroying your character, your self respect.

 

Call, and talk to a counsellor, also try going to a bookstore and look for The Verbally Abusive relationship and read and reread, also look for The Verbally abusive relationship survivors speak out. Great sources on this subject, on how to deal with getting away from him, and taking care of yourself, and rebuilding your self esteem.

 

If you stay it only encourages him to treat you worse.