She made her own plans and ghosted me, what's the deal?

[SamJaxon]

The woman who had rejected my invitations before finally asked me out. Was so happy but then she flaked, she said she was sick, and I knew it was true, she posted a pict of her condition on her Instagram, she apologized and she rescheduled the date for the next week and I said ok. I also checked up on her few times to show her that I care for her.

One week later, she didn't reach out to me when the time came. I didn't reach out to her too because I want to see if she's also interested in seeing me or not. Knowing that she had rejected my invitation many times before. And it turns out she ghosted me, and I assumed she isn't interested. I was so disappointed.

So I reached out to her a few days later, I texted her that I was waiting for her to reach out to me on that day. She apologized, she said she was tired after hanging out with her friends, later she tried to reschedule and she set another date. I left her on read. How could she do that to me? She planned to see me, ghosted me and hung out with her friends?

And she texted me again one day later, tried to reschedule the date AGAIN because she wanted to attend her friend's birthday on the date she suggested before. Again, I left her on read. She flaked on me 3 times already.

Then finally the time has come, she texted me again and asked "are we still on today?"

I finally replied to her "sorry I can't make it today, I have to go back to the office, my boss called me, maybe next time, thanks for letting me know" 

She replied with a smile emoji only.

I was kinda upset with her so I flaked on her back. And I didn't suggest rescheduling too.

Did I do the right thing? Thanks.

 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, SamJaxon said:

  She flaked on me 3 times already.

I finally replied to her "sorry I can't make it today, I have to go back to the office, my boss called me, maybe next time, thanks for letting me know" 

Have you met in person? Why not just delete and block her. She's not interested. It seems to have devolved into games. You're playing tag, not dating.

It's not serving any purpose for you to waste anymore time on chasing her down for a date.

People make time for what they are interested in. No one is "too busy" if they're interested.

[SamJaxon]

Yes, we've met so many times before, she's actually a friend in some working communities. Guess I won't delete or block her, it makes me look like so unprofessional. But yeah you're right, no one is "too busy" if they're interested. Time to walk away then.

[Kwothe28]

26 minutes ago, SamJaxon said:

Then finally the time has come, she texted me again and asked "are we still on today?"

I finally replied to her "sorry I can't make it today, I have to go back to the office, my boss called me, maybe next time, thanks for letting me know" 

I think you kinda did bad to her at the end. Because you could have had a date if you wanted it.

Not saying that you maybe didnt do the right thing because she does seem "flaky". Just that, if you hadnt had your ego involved, you could have a date there. 

In general there is no need to be vindictive about that stuff. She resheduled once, second time you should have asked her "Are we still on for today?", if she said "No, we need to reshedule again" or something like that, you should have just bow out. Less headache and no need to play games about it.

[Coily]

I have a strict rule, if a date cancels 3 times I'm done. Unfortunately she doesn't respect your time, and seems like the type who figures that by the fact she's female she can make men jump (inflated egos do this).

I won't say you did the right thing, you did the only thing you understood from the dynamic. The only thing you can do is disengage from her outside of professional settings.

[SamJaxon]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think you kinda did bad to her at the end. Because you could have had a date if you wanted it.

Not saying that you maybe didnt do the right thing because she does seem "flaky". Just that, if you hadnt had your ego involved, you could have a date there. 

In general there is no need to be vindictive about that stuff. She resheduled once, second time you should have asked her "Are we still on for today?", if she said "No, we need to reshedule again" or something like that, you should have just bow out. Less headache and no need to play games about it.

Thanks for the reply, well I didn't try to play any games with her. I didn't reach out to her to see whether she's really intented to see me or not, knowing that she had rejected my invitations so many times before.

[SamJaxon]

7 minutes ago, Coily said:

I have a strict rule, if a date cancels 3 times I'm done. Unfortunately she doesn't respect your time, and seems like the type who figures that by the fact she's female she can make men jump (inflated egos do this).

I won't say you did the right thing, you did the only thing you understood from the dynamic. The only thing you can do is disengage from her outside of professional settings.

Thanks for the reply, yeah, I thought the same thing, she didn't respect my time, that's why I did that to her. And sure, I will disengage from her, but I hope she learned a lesson, I don't hold any grudges and will always be cordial with her btw.

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, SamJaxon said:

Yes, we've met so many times before, she's actually a friend in some working communities. 

In that case she seems to be sidestepping your invitations in an attempt to be diplomatic and hope you get the hint that she is not interested in dating for whatever reason. Don't worry about "teaching her lessons". Save your energy to accept the situation and move forward.

[Sally .C.]

You said you didn't play games...but "I didn't reach out to her to see if she's really interested," and then later telling her dishonestly that you need to cancel the date because your boss called, as a way to either get even or gain an upper hand, is indeed game playing. 

Any time you're saying or doing something only because you're trying to manipulate an emotional response from the other, is game playing.

That all said, this girl definitely seems interested in a lukewarm way, at best. She seems very undependable and disrespectful of your time. I wouldn't initiate a date with her again (you've already tried more than once and made your interest clear), however if she reaches out again to plan one, you can see how you feel about it at that time.

[SamJaxon]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

In that case she seems to be sidestepping your invitations in an attempt to be diplomatic and hope you get the hint that she is not interested in dating for whatever reason. Don't worry about "teaching her lessons". Save your energy to accept the situation and move forward.

Yeah, it's a harsh and sad reality, just wondering why in the first place, why she asked me out if she's not interested, did she do that on purpose to let me down gently?

[Batya33]

I’ve learned no there are no lessons flaky people absorb from those they flake on. Simply politely and neutrally assert the boundaries that work for you. I have my own and sometimes I have to remind myself so I don’t disappoint myself or feel frustrated.  It’s not always easy or cut and dry.  

[SamJaxon]

7 minutes ago, Sally .C. said:

You said you didn't play games...but "I didn't reach out to her to see if she's really interested," and then later telling her dishonestly that you need to cancel the date because your boss called, as a way to either get even or gain an upper hand, is indeed game playing. 

Any time you're saying or doing something only because you're trying to manipulate an emotional response from the other, is game playing.

That all said, this girl definitely seems interested in a lukewarm way, at best. She seems very undependable and disrespectful of your time. I wouldn't initiate a date with her again (you've already tried more than once and made your interest clear), however if she reaches out again to plan one, you can see how you feel about it at that time.

Thanks for the reply, well as you have known it, I didn't intend to play any games with her, personally, I didn't have that much self-esteem to reach out to her to confirm, since she had rejected my date invitations, so many times before. I had to do that to set my boundaries I guess, not to play any kind of games. That's why I asked here if I did the right thing, I still have hope for her actually.

[Lambert]

I think you are both acting flaky, leaving each other on read, playing little cancel and reschedule games that lead to no where.... 

Move on.  pursue someone you're into and that responds in kind.  

[rainbowsandroses]

32 minutes ago, Sally .C. said:

You said you didn't play games...but "I didn't reach out to her to see if she's really interested," and then later telling her dishonestly that you need to cancel the date because your boss called, as a way to either get even or gain an upper hand, is indeed game playing. 

It's absolutely game playing, no question.  Perhaps you felt justified as she cancelled (flaked) on you a few times however playing t*t for tat is the wrong way to approach it and rarely resolves anything. 

JMO but you over-reacted.  It was an ego-driven reaction.  I mean, you never even went on one date with this girl, why get all butt-hurt about it?  

Me thinks you cut off your nose to spite your face because you could have had a fun date with her!  She was up for it, even texted you the day of confirming. 

But because of your ego, you got butt-hurt and decided to sh&t test her.  

Learn to be more flexible and go more with the flow, again you never even had one date with her yet. 

After you meet in person, and she continues to flake, okay re-think the situation. 

Don't put all your eggs in one basket, gather more options so you don't over-react like this and play 'testing' games when one option needs to cancel and reschedule. 

PS:  Not getting where she ghosted you per your thread title.  Granted she cancelled a few times which sometimes happens before a first date, but she was finally up for meeting and confirmed the day of.  After which you flaked on her.

How is that ghosting?  

 

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

29 minutes ago, SamJaxon said:

I didn't intend to play any games with her, personally, I didn't have that much self-esteem to reach out to her to confirm, since she had rejected my date invitations

You seem really sensitive OP overly so imo.  One woman needing to reschedule a few times should not be having this great an impact on your self-esteem especially before a first date. 

You claim you didnt intend to play games, but of course you did.  You knew exactly what you were doing, so it's best to own that. 

And she did not 'reject' your date invites, she cancelled and rescheduled a few times.  But was finally up for it. 

My advice is step away from your ego, reach out and set up another date.  You can joke around a bit and say "no flaking!"  Haha, wink wink. 

That goes for the both of you. 😀

Dating should be fun, relax and enjoy! 

 

 

 

[SamJaxon]

15 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It's absolutely game playing, no question.  Perhaps you felt justified as she cancelled (flaked) on you a few times however playing t*t for tat is the wrong way to approach it and rarely resolves anything. 

JMO but you over-reacted.  It was an ego-driven reaction.  I mean, you never even went on one date with this girl, why get all butt-hurt about it?  

Me thinks you cut off your nose to spite your face because you could have had a fun date with her!  She was up for it, even texted you the day of confirming. 

But because of your ego, you got butt-hurt and decided to sh&t test her.  

Learn to be more flexible and go more with the flow, again you never even had one date with her yet. 

After you meet in person, and she continues to flake, okay re-think the situation. 

Don't put all your eggs in one basket, gather more options so you don't over-react like this and play 'testing' games when one option needs to cancel and reschedule. 

 

 

 

Thanks for the reply, really appreciate it, and yeah you're right, maybe I would had a fun date with her if I reached out to her and not overthinking about it, but I didn't intend to play any games with her, really, and the truth is ; I had already confessed my feeling to her, probably a year ago, sorry I didn't mention it before on my main topic, my bad. And she neither rejected me or accepted me at that time, idk why, maybe she hasn't moved on yet from her ex, or maybe she wasn't ready to be in a relationship yet. Even she ever asked me for the second chance to know me better. Long story short, we had some ups and downs before, we ever argued, a lot, we also had moment of "cut contact" to each other for more than 5 months maybe. But finally I reached out to her again, I kept trying because I really love her, without she knowing that, that's why these whole "fresh start" dating things with her make me analyze more of her attitude, her actions and moves towards me.

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, SamJaxon said:

And she texted me again one day later, tried to reschedule the date AGAIN because she wanted to attend her friend's birthday on the date she suggested before. Again, I left her on read. She flaked on me 3 times already.

Did you do the right thing - flaking back on her?  Sure, if you meant it. ( So, no games).

She flaked on you 3 times, if you're done then you be done.  Expect no more. as mentioned, if she were truly into you, you'd know it.

And I have no idea how you can 'love' her, when you two haven't even spent any time together. 😕 .  is more like the idea of it all.  You have no idea what kind of person she is. So, maybe work on getting her off this pedestal and moving on.

[bluecastle]

Can I ask how old you guys are for context? 

From what you've just added, this whole thing seems unnecessarily dramatic, with a lot of that drama being self-generated. It might be worth asking some heady questions at this juncture, along the lines of: Why are you so interested in a woman who has always been lukewarm, and with whom you have such a contentious relationship that you've argued to the point of cutting contact for months at a time? What's the reward in all that? And what is the benefit of defining it all with the word love?

Can only speak for myself, but that's like me saying I love a food I've never tried but got food poisoning just looking at. 

Like rainbow, I don't see any "ghosting" here. Nor do I see "rejection." It seems you developed a very big crush on her, and have been frustrated that she wasn't reciprocating the crush. That's not rejection. That's just life. Per the details of this recent exchange—sure, she was a touch flaky, but the bottom line here is that you're the one actively trying to ghost her into being into you. It's one way to go about it, and hopefully the lesson of all this is that it just makes everting more sideways than it needs to be. 

 

 

[SamJaxon]

5 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Did you do the right thing - flaking back on her?  Sure, if you meant it. ( So, no games).

She flaked on you 3 times, if you're done then you be done.  Expect no more. as mentioned, if she were truly into you, you'd know it.

And I have no idea how you can 'love' her, when you two haven't even spent any time together. 😕 .  is more like the idea of it all.  You have no idea what kind of person she is. So, maybe work on getting her off this pedestal and moving on.

Yeah I know it's my fault, anyway we met, talked and shared a lot before, Anyway I'm just reminiscing the good times we had, so if you'd like to know the details and if that's what you mean by spending times together. We've also shared our dreams together. But there was a time when she became distant and she giving me cold shoulders, the day when I criticized her behavior and showed some jealousy, she thought I'm a controlling person, I told her that she's a narcissistic person, she mad at me, and she said I hurt her so bad, I had no idea why she got hurt that much if I, maybe misjudged her as a narcissist, I didn't intend to hurt her though, but then I apologized so many times and she didn't forgive me that time, instead she asked me to leave and look for another woman. So we didn't communicate to each other for around 5 months, until I came back again, reached out to her again because I missed her, until she forgave me. Things went well again and this happened. Well I guess she only friendzoned me in the end, and I fell in love with the wrong person. It's just, I had too much expectations with this woman before.

[SooSad33]

4 minutes ago, SamJaxon said:

I'm just reminiscing the good times we had, so if you'd like to know the details and if that's what you mean by spending times together. We've also shared our dreams together.

But there was a time when she became distant and she giving me cold shoulders, the day when I criticized her behavior and showed some jealousy, she thought I'm a controlling person, I told her that she's a narcissistic person, she mad at me, and she said I hurt her so bad, I had no idea why she got hurt that much if I, maybe misjudged her as a narcissist, I didn't intend to hurt her though, but then I apologized so many times and she didn't forgive me that time, instead she asked me to leave and look for another woman.

Well, no one wants a narcissist, lol.  But, someone backing off does not make them a narc. So, no such description was needed there.  Neither was the 'jealousy act'.

Is up to YOU to work on accepting what is.  Do you think there's some reason YOU acted out the way you did here?  is it maybe because you fancied her but weren't getting what you wanted? - is still no reason to insult someone that way.

Maybe you need to work on your own self? ( other than the fact that this isn't working out with you & this woman) .

IMO, it sounds like you get upset maybe a little too easily - passing judgement too much with your responses and insults.

 

If someone pulls away or goes cold, is up to you to work on accepting what is.  You can't 'make' someone love or want you.  And yes, this stuff will for sure kill the positive really fast!

 

[SamJaxon]

4 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Well, no one wants a narcissist, lol.  But, someone backing off does not make them a narc. So, no such description was needed there.  Neither was the 'jealousy act'.

Is up to YOU to work on accepting what is.  Do you think there's some reason YOU acted out the way you did here?  is it maybe because you fancied her but weren't getting what you wanted? - is still no reason to insult someone that way.

Maybe you need to work on your own self? ( other than the fact that this isn't working out with you & this woman) .

IMO, it sounds like you get upset maybe a little too easily - passing judgement too much with your responses and insults.

 

If someone pulls away or goes cold, is up to you to work on accepting what is.  You can't 'make' someone love or want you.  And yes, this stuff will for sure kill the positive really fast!

 

A good point, well I told her a narc, It's not because of me getting disappointed cause she didn't seem to reciprocate my feelings, it was just my slight criticism to her recent activities on her social media that time, she posted selfies too much lol. Guess she can't handle it, and I knew it was my fault, because I realized I showed some insecurities and jealousy there. In the end I apologized though, I explained to her that I didn't mean to insult or everything. I apologized so many times. But she asked me to leave. I accepted it.

During the no contact period, which I applied it to myself (because I tried to move on) I caught she always stalked my activities on my social media, watched all of my stories and always liked my posts, while I never did that, because she asked me to leave (you got that one) and I really had no idea why she did that. Maybe just orbiting?

[SooSad33]

How about you just move on totally.  Remove her from your social media.  Often it's what best - the less we know the better.

Then you can actually work on accepting & moving on in a healthy manner.  Not sit there & watch all she's doing on there. Because, honestly, that is not the 'real world'.  It's just all we want others to see.  So, who cares what she shares or her pics etc.  is just how some people are - whether it be an insecurity or some 'need' they've got.  ( no one has to comment on any of it either.. right? 😉 ).  Learn that self control.

And I do not have any of my ex's on my 'friends' list.  No need for it, as I stated.  It's just another challenge I don't want or need.  

[Cherylyn]

Well,  I'm not you.  I wouldn't have retaliated.  I would've given her one LAST chance when she asked, "Are we still on for today?"  I would've said, "Yes."  Now,  if she flaked out yet again after you said, "Yes,"  then yes,  it's a no go to be sure. 

At best,   I wouldn't have lied with an excuse of having to go back to the office to be with your boss.  When you explain,  it sounds like a lie and most people can read right through it.  ☹️  The better response would've been,  "It's better to part ways peacefully.  I wish you well."  Something to that effect. 

If she's a colleague or you cross paths with her in the future,  I agree,  remain professional,  cordial and that's it. 

[Cherylyn]

5 hours ago, SamJaxon said:

A good point, well I told her a narc, It's not because of me getting disappointed cause she didn't seem to reciprocate my feelings, it was just my slight criticism to her recent activities on her social media that time, she posted selfies too much lol. Guess she can't handle it, and I knew it was my fault, because I realized I showed some insecurities and jealousy there. In the end I apologized though, I explained to her that I didn't mean to insult or everything. I apologized so many times. But she asked me to leave. I accepted it.

During the no contact period, which I applied it to myself (because I tried to move on) I caught she always stalked my activities on my social media, watched all of my stories and always liked my posts, while I never did that, because she asked me to leave (you got that one) and I really had no idea why she did that. Maybe just orbiting?

If you have zero intentions of dating her,  it's better to block,  delete and move on. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Move on