Best friend and love of my life was abused.

[John.Michael.Smith]

I need advice. So I recently met the love of my life. We have been working together for about 2 years but then about 4 months ago we started dating and almost instantly fell madly in love with one another. So I'm 27 years old and she's 42. We tied the knot about 3 weeks ago.

Now we both have had massive trauma in our past. At the age of 18 I had been working as a HotTub deliverer for about 2 years. Was running crews of up to 5 men that could be close to twice my age. And was thriving and felt good about my future. Then during a normal removal/delivery an old 1200lb tub that had been leaking an absorbing water for years tipped over from its side and caught me in the shoulder. Being at the tipping point I wasn't able to stand it back up alone from being under it resulting in it taking me to the ground. In my attempt to dive out of the way it caught me in the right hip pinning me to the ground in one crushing blow. I ended up turning the illlium part of my pelvis to little tiny bits and receiving 7 fractures elsewhere on my pelvis. After spending 4 months in Harbor Medical Center in Seattle having 3 surgeries to recontruct my pelvis I left there with 4 plates holding my wings of hips in place with about 8 screws. I spent the next year in a wheelchair learning to walk again. So naturally they gave my dalaudid pain pills for not only that year but the 6 month's after during which time I was limping on crutches. The motion of limping ended up slipping a disk to the extent of needing to have it fused. Afterwards receiving another 4 months of pain meds. After that 4 months tho I was removed in an instant from them. At the age of 20 with no guidance I resorted to buying opiates off the street to curb the withdrawls. I spent the next 6 years doing that. Then came Nikki. Who accepted me for me faults and all. Even helped me cut back to using 3 times a day. Smoking 20 mins in A.M. before work. 15 mins after work and 15 mins before bed. Then eventually helping me quit. I'm not the first person she's gotten together with that was using tho.

Even tho she has never touched anything she far to often found herself in relationships with addicts. Not just addicts but abusive addicts. For about 20 years she received abuse I couldn't even imagine. But I would never think about hurting her. And couldn't live with myself if I treated her anyway other then the queen that she is. I mean im alive and well thanks to her. Even if we are fighting I'm up before her so I can make her coffee and a begal every morning without exception. I can't think of the last time she had to open her own car door. And I love being able to treat her the way she deserves. But there's so much damage done that no matter what I do she believes I'm gonna leave her. Or if she let's me get to close that I'll weaponize her love for me against her to hurt her. And I'm at a lost of what to do. I understand her pain and fear. I understand that she thinks if she acts like I can't hurt her I won't. But I won't hurt her.  I would never. And idk how to show her that. So that's what I'm asking for help with. Is how do I help her repair the damage done by others so she can live her best and happiest life. 

[Capricorn3]

13 minutes ago, John.Michael.Smith said:

 how do I help her repair the damage done by others so she can live her best and happiest life. 

There's not much that you can do (imo).  What she needs to do is see a qualified counselor/therapist to help her work through all of her issues.

[1a1a]

Yep she needs to unpack her past with a trained professional. 
 

‘I love you so much and it hurts me to hear you say you fear this, I’ve tried to reassure you and I’ll keep trying but I’m starting to feel like navigating this requires a skill set I don’t have. Would you be willing to start unpacking it with a therapist? ‘

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, John.Michael.Smith said:

Is how do I help her repair the damage done by others so she can live her best and happiest life. 

You can't. 

She needs professional guidance. Why did you get married so fast? 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, John.Michael.Smith said:

 4 months ago we started dating . We tied the knot about 3 weeks ago. Even if we are fighting I'm up before her so I can make her coffee and a begal every morning without exception

Sorry this is happening. You seem to have helped each other with some problems. How long have you been living together if you are only dating 16 weeks and married 3 weeks? 

What are some of the fights about? How well adjusted are you to jumping into a marriage and living together so quickly?

Unfortunately you can't fix her. It's unclear why she married you if she believes "you'll weaponize her love"

Are you both in treatment for your respective traumatic experiences?

[Kwothe28]

Some people(especially women) enjoy "projects". Something they can fix along the way so it can be made to tailor you. I mean imagine starting out relationship with an addict. Not a former one, but the current addict. She lucked out with you and that you managed to get away from it. But do you really wonder why her past relationships are filled with trauma if she choosed people who are unstable and addicted to substances? There is far more there to unpack then you realize. And yes, this is on her and she should do it with the professional.

6 hours ago, John.Michael.Smith said:

Even if we are fighting I'm up before her so I can make her coffee and a begal every morning without exception.

How often are those fights? I dont doubt that you treat her properly but, you a former addict now, have started a relationship and married a 15 year older woman with a history of relationships with addicts. Its really no wonder that its not "smooth sailing" there and that infighting happens. Especially when you jumpstarted marriage after only 4 months. Knowing somebody for certain time and being in a relationship with them are 2 different things. And you jumpstarted marriage after "only" 4 months from some reason. 

[SooSad33]

11 hours ago, John.Michael.Smith said:

Even tho she has never touched anything she far to often found herself in relationships with addicts. Not just addicts but abusive addicts. For about 20 years she received abuse I couldn't even imagine. But I would never think about hurting her. And couldn't live with myself if I treated her anyway other then the queen that she is. I mean im alive and well thanks to her. Even if we are fighting I'm up before her so I can make her coffee and a begal every morning without exception. I can't think of the last time she had to open her own car door. And I love being able to treat her the way she deserves. But there's so much damage done that no matter what I do she believes I'm gonna leave her. Or if she let's me get to close that I'll weaponize her love for me against her to hurt her. And I'm at a lost of what to do. I understand her pain and fear. I understand that she thinks if she acts like I can't hurt her I won't. But I won't hurt her.  I would never. And idk how to show her that. So that's what I'm asking for help with. Is how do I help her repair the damage done by others so she can live her best and happiest life.

Sounds like you married a sad mess 😕 .. But why?

Why would y marry someone after only 4 mos?  IMO< is wayyyy too fast!

Look at what's going on ^ She's damaged goods and YOU can't fix that.

Is up to her to look into some professional help. And for a good, long while, to work through her insecurities - or yeah, it will damage this relationship.

And if you've put her on a pedestal, tread carefully. A 'Healthy' relationship is give & take, trust, communication, respect, etc.  And in your case, I see her pushing you away in time, by either going cold or just causing fights that aren't necessary.

 

[catfeeder]

Whenever she presents this problem ask her if she’s willing to go to marriage counseling with you. Tell her you find it impossible to help her feel secure with you, and you need a professional to help you learn what to do.

She’ll either agree to go, or you just keep raising it as needed to curb the spiral. She either regards this as a problem she wants to solve, or she doesn’t really want to solve it—she just wants to manipulate you.

Learn which it is, and quit the belief that this is something you can resolve on your own. You can’t, and a qualified marriage counselor can point that out to her and refer her for deeper work far easier than you can.