Nervous for a date

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I asked this before but you didn't answer. You are extraordinarily excellent at dodging certain questions.

Is this relationship at least most of what you'd always hoped your forever relationship would be? He made you cry. Is that part of what you imagined your lifelong or even long term partner would be? Do you talk openly about this relationship with your mom and your friends or do you find yourself concealing certain things from them?

I talk openly with my family and friends about him. My family know all about his divorce and his financial issues. 

I don't like being bailed on. I let him know this. I am giving him a shot to prove if he will continue to do this to me. 

[Jaunty]

11 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I talk openly with my family and friends about him. My family know all about his divorce and his financial issues. 

Alex, you really need to get past this thing you have that words someone says are equal to actions they take.

So far he's made you feel good with stuff he says to you.  He has not DONE anything.

Yes, he's willing to hang out at your house quite a bit.   He lives in a "slum" with pet food and water all over the floor.   

Times for sitting around doing nothing are better at your house than by himself in the crappy apartment.  

When there is fun to be had out and about - he is there.

[Jaunty]

17 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I don't like being bailed on. I let him know this. I am giving him a shot to prove if he will continue to do this to me. 

You don't "like" it, but you wholeheartedly accept it.

[catfeeder]

How do you do this? Simple. Sit at home, read his texts, respond admiringly, feed him whenever he comes over, and when he cancels, sit at home, read his texts, respond forgivingly. Hope that his dogs have water.

[boltnrun]

22 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I talk openly with my family and friends about him. My family know all about his divorce and his financial issues. 

I don't like being bailed on. I let him know this. I am giving him a shot to prove if he will continue to do this to me. 

Alex strikes again lol.

I'll requote from your "response". 

23 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Is this relationship at least most of what you'd always hoped your forever relationship would be? He made you cry. Is that part of what you imagined your lifelong or even long term partner would be?

 

[itsallgrand]

9 hours ago, dias said:

From her post I deduce she was satisfied with this part. Probably deep down she knows this is going to end at some point but in the meantime like everybody else she has needs. It's better to live this whole thing with good sex than no sex at all. Saving sex for the "right" guy might lead to a completely sexless life, at least now something is good. 

I don't think though her options are no sex or this guy. There's lots of men out there who would be interested in sex with her who keep the plans they make. 

I think her bar is being held so low for what she is ok with, that she's actually decreasing her chances of getting her needs met. Sexual and otherwise.

It's going to be harder too for her to raise the bar after this ends, because she will have further normalized for herself that this is how men tend to be. She has a track record of accepting men who don't treat her right. In my opinion, she just needs to give herself a chance to experience what it's like seeing men who are actually good to her. Her mind would be blown to see what she has been missing. 

[rainbowsandroses]

44 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I don't like being bailed on. I let him know this. I am giving him a shot to prove if he will continue to do this to me.

That's certainly fair.  You spoke up, it's a boundary.

For many people, it would actually be a dealbreaker.  Especially this early in.  But you're willing to give it another shot which is fine and won't judge you for it.

So now that he knows, observe and hope he will respect the boundary. 

Have you thought about what you'll do if he does not?  Would you end it?

Let's say tomorrow night he cancels claiming stomach issues?  

Unfortunately now he has the perfect excuse to cancel without risk of causing drama.   I mean in his mind - she can't get mad if I'm sick, right?  And you've been warned about it.

Sadly this is all too common. Please don't be naive to this possibility.

Read this forum and others. Read books and articles.  Not silly self-help fluff but good books about interpersonal relationships and the like written by reputable authors.  Therapists and doctors.

Educate yourself Alex.

Has another overnight been planned or will you just play it by ear?

Would you be okay if he never stayed the night? 

For some reason, I think he's uncomfortable with that, which is why he bailed Saturday.  

Too much intimacy.  I don't mean sexual, that can happen any time.

But there is something about sleeping with your SO and waking up together that is incredibly intimate. 

Some people who struggle with commitment and intimacy issues have a difficult time doing so.  Depending on how great the anxiety/fear is. 

Even in some marriages believe it or not.  A couple may have separate bedrooms for example.  

Such people also exhibit many of the behaviors he does. 

What are your thoughts about that? 

 

[Sindy_0311]

4 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

It's going to be harder too for her to raise the bar after this ends, because she will have further normalized for herself that this is how men tend to be. She has a track record of accepting men who don't treat her right. In my opinion, she just needs to give herself a chance to experience what it's like seeing men who are actually good to her. Her mind would be blown to see what she has been missing. 

Agree 100%, thats why its important to have standards and stick to them. Alex, I suggest some day you take some time to make a list of your standards/bouNdaries: What's acceptable and what is not. This way, the day you are infatuated by somone you go back to your list and it will help you come back to earth... 

I think the main issue is that you are too strongly attracted to him, and this attraction is making you accept anything... why is that? is he a model? exactly your type? what is it that you like so much about him? Honestly please (don't tell me its because he makes you feel good and so on...)

 

[Sindy_0311]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

But there is something about sleeping with your SO and waking up together that is incredibly intimate. 

Some people who struggle with commitment and intimacy issues have a difficult time doing so.

Agree 100%. 

 

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Have you thought about what you'll do if he does not?  Would you end it?

I guess she has no choice. Now that she warned him, it's supposed to mean that if he does it again, he's out... but somehow I doubt she is going to stick to it... 

[Jaunty]

@Alex39 - recently you wrote in a post that you "work at home."  Are you doing your job completely remotely at this time?  Or maybe you were talking about doing home improvements or whatever around your place.

 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Alex39 said:

. We did it for a while, and then he collapsed on the bed- without finishing. 

Don't worry about the delayed (or absent) ejaculation, it happens and can be caused by anything from excess masturbation to anxiety, depression to drug and alcohol use to medical problems. You mentioned he likes to drink and smoke a lot?

Don't take it personally, he can talk to his doctor about it. 

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22125-delayed-ejaculation

However reflect on your overall happiness and satisfaction with this man and dating situation.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Agree 100%. 

 

I guess she has no choice. Now that she warned him, it's supposed to mean that if he does it again, he's out... but somehow I doubt she is going to stick to it... 

I think it's quite possible Alex stuggles with the same anxieties, fears and issues he has. 

Like attracts like.  Two sides of the same coin..

He distances, she chases.  It's her pattern with every man she's ever been with. 

Just by choosing to remain with him, she's chasing.  

Alex, think about it.  IF you truly wanted a close, emotionally and physically intimate committed relationship, what the heck are you doing with him? 

He's not that man, and likely will never be. You've been provided all the info you need based on his ACTIONS.  Or non-actions in this case.. 

Remember words mean jack shyt if NOT followed up with actions.  Cut and paste this to your fridge if you have to!  

Don't let the fact he was married fool you into thinking he's commitment-oriented. 

Many people with commitment anxieties get married and it's a total disaster as HIS marriage was. 

They typically blame their partners, just as HE did.  Taking no responsibility.

Educate yourself, please.   

Learn what a healthy, happy mutually-rewarding relationship looks like with a man who cares about you and values you.

You've never experienced that, you have no reference.

This is why imo reading and educating yourself would do you a world of good. 

It certainly did for me!!  I'm still reading and learning!

Lastly, please stop telling yourself stories to fit your own narrative, you're only hurting yourself by doing so..  

 

 

 

[Jaunty]

I think he was married for a matter of months ... and he's been divorced for half a year.  Definitely rebound.

[Batya33]

Also with the camping trip -have him do all the shopping and tell him you'll reimburse him your share after the trip.  Please don't trust him to actually take you -at least this way you won't be out the $$.

[NighttimeNightmare]

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Because a man has sexual dysfunction doesn't necessarily reflect on the person he's with.   

 

This is very unlikely to be sexual dysfunction, at least on a broader scale 

 

everything points to him not being that into her and this solidifies it

 

I think it’s disingenuous, and not doing her any favors, to go along with this “it’s sexual dysfunction, how can we get him help?” narrative. 

[boltnrun]

Alex, what is he actively doing about his "stomach issues"? Is he seeing a doctor? Being careful about what he eats?

I have a severe digestive illness and two things that are vitally important per my doctor is a healthy diet and absolutely NO smoking. You say he eats fast food and smokes cigars and likes to drink alcohol. Three very bad things if you have digestive issues.

I mean, how in the heck is he going to go camping if he has the runs all the time???

[rainbowsandroses]

25 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I mean, how in the heck is he going to go camping if he has the runs all the time???

I don't think he actually does.  They spent many hours together on her couch on Saturday and at other times since they met with no stomach issues. 

Suddenly once they become sexually intimate, he has "stomach issues" and leaves after hanging out a bit.

Once home he heads immediately to the bathroom.  

Besides being WAY too much information, overkill and unnecessary to share with Alex, it simply makes no sense.

Just like the punctured tire situation.

Honestly I don't know what's going on with him.   i think he must be into her on some level otherwise why bother seeing her at all?

The only thing that makes sense (to me) is anxiety re relationships and commitment.

He comes close, becomes anxious, panics and distances.  

I've seen it before, my own brother struggles with such anxiety and exhibits virtually the same confusing behavior.

He's hurt many many women with this behavior.

Time will tell.

[Jaunty]

48 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

This is very unlikely to be sexual dysfunction, at least on a broader scale 

 

everything points to him not being that into her and this solidifies it

 

I think it’s disingenuous, and not doing her any favors, to go along with this “it’s sexual dysfunction, how can we get him help?” narrative. 

I just don't think they're necessarily or naturally related.  Many, many men can get off with women they're not tremendously into or attracted to.  And conversely, lots of men don't perform well sexually with women they are super into and overwhelmingly attracted to.

I do agree that from everything shared so far, he's "not that into" OP.  As I've said, fine for hanging out watching TV at her nice house when there's nothing fun going on with his friends or family.  When there are fun things - he's there, and she's not included.

Sorry, @Alex39 - I don't mean to be hurtful but thats a fact, so far.   His excuses are immaterial.  

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Suddenly once they become sexually intimate, he has "stomach issues" and leaves after hanging out a bit.

Once home he heads immediately to the bathroom

And then spends the next entire day doing manual labor at his friends house …

 

(disclaimer: I get you can have fleeting stomach issues and be ok the next day, or even hours later. It’s the entire patterned picture that makes me suspicious of the stories)

[NighttimeNightmare]

2 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Many, many men can get off with women they're not tremendously into or attracted to

Yes, but we’re talking about this particular guy, and at this point there’s just way too many oddities to classify it all as unremarkable 

 

[Alex39]

33 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Alex, what is he actively doing about his "stomach issues"? Is he seeing a doctor? Being careful about what he eats?

I have a severe digestive illness and two things that are vitally important per my doctor is a healthy diet and absolutely NO smoking. You say he eats fast food and smokes cigars and likes to drink alcohol. Three very bad things if you have digestive issues.

I mean, how in the heck is he going to go camping if he has the runs all the time???

Yes, I don't think he's helping himself at all. He smokes occasionally,  drinks alcohol a few times a week, eats fast food. 

He tries to cut back on gluten, which he thinks is the issue. But I don't think the other things are helping him, so the gluten free probably isn't working because of this. 

He did say to me how he thinks he should go see his doctor soon and I agreed. 

[Alex39]

Maybe it is anxiety/pressure to perform. After we first got intimate, we were talking and he asked when I last had sexx. I told him three years ago. He was shocked. He said that was a bit intimidating and he wished he had known, so he could have made it more special. I told him that I thought it was good. I mean it felt good to me. 

I was in a relationship three years ago, then it ended and covid hit, so I wasn't with anyone since. 

Maybe he's trying way too hard? 

I mean, when we fool around he gets hard and erect. I don't notice it going down whilst we have sex. He seems to love when I touch him and he gets really aroused. He says it's his stomach, but he almost seems worn out too. Like he wears himself out quickly. 

[rainbowsandroses]

14 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Yes, I don't think he's helping himself at all. He smokes occasionally,  drinks alcohol a few times a week, eats fast food. 

He tries to cut back on gluten, which he thinks is the issue. But I don't think the other things are helping him, so the gluten free probably isn't working because of this. 

He did say to me how he thinks he should go see his doctor soon and I agreed. 

Perhaps he suffers from IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) which is only triggered during sex? 

I dunno, it's possible I suppose, trying to be more positive.

The actor Mario Lopez struggled with IBS and found drinking bone broth to be tremendously helpful.  

He has stated it changed his entire life.

That combined with general anxiety surrounding close intimate relationships including sexual performance could explain some things, imo.

Not wanting to spend the night, wake up with me in the morning after having sex would be a real problem for me personally.

How do you feel about that? 

 

[itsallgrand]

Just curious why you keep spelling sex as sexx? 

[Alex39]

1 minute ago, itsallgrand said:

Just curious why you keep spelling sex as sexx? 

I wasn't sure if this website allowed that word to be used as is, or it needed to be altered. I used to use another forum that forbid that word spelled as is.