Nervous for a date

[Sindy_0311]

I saw a video from a dating coach who said something very true. Many men have sex with women they aren’t even attracted to… I’m not generalizing, but I have also heard many guys speaking about women they had repeated sex with and even saying they were ugly or fat or old or whatever… if a man has sex with you, it doesn’t necessarily means he is physically attracted to you… that’s why you should be sure you don’t expect any outcome or anything from him if you sleep with him. Imagine if he ghosts you tomorrow, how would you feel? Because this often happens… 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I saw a video from a dating coach who said something very true. Many men have sex with women they aren’t even attracted to… I’m not generalizing, but I have also heard many guys speaking about women they had repeated sex with and even saying they were ugly or fat or old or whatever… if a man has sex with you, it doesn’t necessarily means he is physically attracted to you… that’s why you should be sure you don’t expect any outcome or anything from him if you sleep with him. Imagine if he ghosts you tomorrow, how would you feel? Because this often happens… 

I guy I used to date told me he was up for sex with ANY woman as long as (and these were his words, not mine) she wasn't "fat" and doesn't "have a disease".

A real prince, that one 🙄

I truly hope this guy is nothing like THAT guy.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I saw a video from a dating coach who said something very true. Many men have sex with women they aren’t even attracted to… I’m not generalizing, but I have also heard many guys speaking about women they had repeated sex with and even saying they were ugly or fat or old or whatever… if a man has sex with you, it doesn’t necessarily means he is physically attracted to you… that’s why you should be sure you don’t expect any outcome or anything from him if you sleep with him. Imagine if he ghosts you tomorrow, how would you feel? Because this often happens… 

I know of women who do the same.  And feel the same. I know of men and women who are comfortable having casual sex whether or not they hear from the person again because the fun of having sex and the memories/afterglow is worth it.  I promise I'm not generalizing either.  

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I know of women who do the same.  And feel the same. I know of men and women who are comfortable having casual sex whether or not they hear from the person again because the fun of having sex and the memories/afterglow is worth it.  I promise I'm not generalizing either.  

I think this more a guy thing… I don’t know any woman having sex with men they aren’t physically attracted to… but of course this is only my point of view

[Batya33]

Just now, boltnrun said:

I guy I used to date told me he was up for sex with ANY woman as long as (and these were his words, not mine) she wasn't "fat" and doesn't "have a disease".

A real prince, that one 🙄

I truly hope this guy is nothing like THAT guy.

I know a guy really well who was set up with a woman by his friend.  He was in his 30s.  Very pretty.  They were set up on a double date with his friend.  She had a bit to drink. He walked her upstairs to her apartment -for gentleman reasons! - and he said she asked whether he wanted to (use that blunt curse word) her. He knew they weren't a good match long term -there would be no next date - so he said no despite finding her attractive.   There are all kinds of people.

[boltnrun]

Just now, Sindy_0311 said:

I think this more a guy thing… I don’t know any woman having sex with men they aren’t physically attracted to… but of course this is only my point of view

Some people advocate for having sex on the first date.  Apparently that's to gauge if a guy is "good in bed" and if he's not they wouldn't "waste" any more time dating him.

It's not my way, but to each their own as they say!

[rainbowsandroses]

I think it's possible he's got some sexual hangups/issues.  Alex is safe because she's overweight and he's not attracted. 

No doubt he also senses her low self-worth so he knows SHE won't try getting physical.  She's safe for lack of a better word.

Sorry Alex, I'm just wanting to be real with you. The way I see it.  Again I could be wrong.

I can't seem to shake there's been nothing, not even the taking of her hand, in three dates, let alone a kiss.

Do others not think this is strange? 

Not all guys are after sex.  Some simply need the attention and ego boost and Alex has certainly obliged him in that regard.

Especially if they have sexual hangups like I suspect this guy has.

At this point, I just can't envision them being sexual with each other, but we shall see.

The Netflix and Chill is pure laziness on his part. 

 

[Batya33]

Just now, Sindy_0311 said:

I think this more a guy thing… I don’t know any woman having sex with men they aren’t physically attracted to… but of course this is only my point of view

I understand!  I do! I mean they are not repulsed - but it's settling -sometimes alcohol is involved, sometimes not, sometimes cause it's fun or out of desperation (the I have needs sorta thing).  I had a friend who did this more than once -one guy was married -she told me how ridiculous his conversation topics were -they went to a hotel, she said the sex was -fine -except after he went on about how guilty he felt so she was turned off then.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think it's possible he's got some sexual hangups/issues.  Alex is safe because she's overweight and he's not attracted. 

No doubt he also senses her low self-worth so he knows SHE won't try getting physical.  She's safe for lack of a better word.

Sorry Alex, I'm just wanting to be be real with you.

I can't seem to shake there's been nothing, not even the taking of her hand, in three dates, let alone a kiss.

Do others not think this is strange? 

Not all guys are after sex.  Some simply need the attention and ego boost and Alex has certainly obliged him in that regard.

Especially if they have sexual hangups like I suspect this guy has.

At this point, I just can't envision them being sexual with each other, but we shall see. 

 

So - in my long dating life -I met a few guys who were like this -then full on/all over me as soon as we were alone.  Like zero to 100.  So weird.

Two men who were into casual sex/multiple partners told me I must have sexual hangups/issues because I wasnt.

[rainbowsandroses]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So - in my long dating life -I met a few guys who were like this -then full on/all over me as soon as we were alone.  Like zero to 100.  So weird.

Two men who were into casual sex/multiple partners told me I must have sexual hangups/issues because I wasnt.

OK.  Like I said, just my take and I could very well be wrong.  

However. IF he was after sex, would it not be logical to assume he might put forth some effort, like taking her out, to up his chances of sex happening later at hers?

Or does he think so little of her that he believes all he has to do is show up at hers after flaking twice and she's gonna jump into bed with him?

If so, his lack of respect for her is worse than I thought!

But y'all could be right. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

OK.  Like I said, just my take and I could very well be wrong.  

However. IF he was after sex, would it not be logical to assume he might put forth some effort, like taking her out, to up his chances of sex happening later at hers?

Or does he think so little of her that he believes all he has to do is show up at hers after flaking twice and she's gonna jump into bed withI on him?

If so, his lack of respect is worse than I thought!

I do not think your take is wrong or right or mine!  I was saying what I predict.  I'm not right either! 

In my experience people who want sex go about it in all different ways. In this situation he already knows she settles for scraps and he also knows she is attracted to him.  He made last minute plans with her when his other plans didn't pan out and therefore I mean if he enjoys casual sex -why not ask/try? It's not at all disrespectful if she says yes!

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

It's not at all disrespectful if she says yes!

I think IT IS disrespectful. Because he knows she likes him and is pursuing a serious relationship. He is taking advantage of her settling for scraps as you said… so in this sense it’s disrespectful from his part… but who knows, maybe he will show up with some great food, watch a movie with her and they will end up just cuddling… 

[Batya33]

Just now, Sindy_0311 said:

I think IT IS disrespectful. Because he knows she likes him and is pursuing a serious relationship. He is taking advantage of her settling for scraps as you said… so in this sense it’s disrespectful from his part… but who knows, maybe he will show up with some great food, watch a movie with her and they will end up just cuddling… 

Oh let me clarify. It's fine if she says yes to casual sex - if he tells her he's not looking for a relationship and finds her attractive and she says yes. I think that is fine.  Even if he thinks she is actually wanting a relationship but trying to be cool. If he says "I really like you Alex.  I want to be exclusive with you even if it's just the third date.  I hope you want that with me." Then let's say she says yes and they have sex.  If he then says "um nevermind" or "sorry -I ..... was ...... drunk when I said that...."  that is obnoxious and disrespectufl.

If a person came over to my home on a third date and we had sex and didn't discuss exclusivity beforehand and I really wanted it -that would be on me-meaning if I wanted exclusivity I'd assume that if we hadn't discussed it and I had sex with him I was agreeing to casual sex.  (Never did so and that was why - it was really rare to be exclusive by the third date -or to be ready for it).

[Type O Negative]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

So I read almost the entire thread and I have a question, and I don't mean this in a bad way.

Alex, why is this man so important for you? I'm sincerely trying to understand why you like him.

Because there aren't any better options on the horizon. Because something (per Alex) is better than nothing - where nothing is sitting home alone - again- bored out of her mind watching nonsense on the net.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He's been messaging me today asking about my night last night and sending me cute pictures of his dog. Plans are on for tonight. He's coming here. 

Ok that's fine. You'll figure it out. If you want to kiss, that's fine, if you don't want it to go other places it won't.

Is this the guy you're going to walk down the aisle with? Probably not. But you already know that too.

But two singles hanging out on a Saturday night is fine. In fact the dating practice is good since you seem a bit rusty and a lot has changed out there. Like physical therapy after you've been laid up and need to practice going up stairs again. 

In fact it may get you motivated and jump started to focus on some goals and motivate you for when someone else comes along.

Will there be ups and downs and disappointment along the way, sure. Just like you didn't buy the first house you looked at or get hired on every interview. That's life. Persevere. If he turns out to be even more of a dud than you thought, so what? You now have the confidence that you can attract men and get dates.

Think of this as training wheels for now. And hopefully you can have fun and start throwing away the dating rules books and start trusting your own judgement.

[itsallgrand]

All of this reminded me of how valuable it is to be honest with yourself. Your choices are yours, but the real trouble happens when we aren't honest with ourselves.

Girl you are after more than a peck on the cheek, no? 

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

All of this reminded me of how valuable it is to be honest with yourself. Your choices are yours, but the real trouble happens when we aren't honest with ourselves.

Girl you are after more than a peck on the cheek, no? 

One time I wasn’t honest with myself. I was 28 and trying to be cool. Went back to his place and told him in advance I wasn’t ready to have sex yet  I ended up with my wrists pinned hard behind my head and my second meet  guy on top of me.  He took no for an answer on my third “no”.  I wasn’t raped. He was very very handsome and charming and had a cool bachelor pad. He’d been wayyyy too handy on the first meet. I ignored the red flags.   When I ran into him 9 years later he very obviously didn’t remember me. He also harassed a number of my friends on line and at first meets. And contacted me a couple of times on dating sites lying about his age etc and sending inappropriate messages. That’s one thing that happens when you’re dishonest with yourself. Be careful out there Alex. 

[LootieTootie]

13 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Girl you are after more than a peck on the cheek, no? 

Me thinks so 😉 But like Jaunty had said, just don't be surprise that he might still treat you as an afterthought after you both have sex. I also get a sense that you are more worried about how to make a guy like you or keep liking you than actually asking yourself if this guy is good for you and good to you. 

I don't really like this guy's effort when it comes to dating but I think if you're just wanting to have a fun night, then enjoy your evening with him, hoping he doesn't flake again. 

Also, none of us knows if this guy is attractive to you or not so please don't get insecure about your weight. One of my old roommates was on the heavy side (200+ pounds for a 5'6) and she was dating a 6'2 guy who could have been on a Calvin Klein underwear ad. He admitted he was always in to curvier girls and my roommate used to call him chubby chaser. They also ended up getting married years later.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, LootieTootie said:

Also, none of us knows if this guy is attractive to you or not so please don't get insecure about your weight. One of my old roommates was on the heavy side (200+ pounds for a 5'6) and she was dating a 6'2 guy who could have been on a Calvin Klein underwear ad. He admitted he was always in to curvier girls and my roommate used to call him chubby chaser. They also ended up getting married years later.

Very fair point and you're right, he could be attracted to her.

My opinion was based mostly on the fact he gave no indication of physical attraction on their three prior dates which I think is strange assuming he IS attracted. 

I don't even mean trying for sex.  Holding her hand, a slight inadvertent touch, a soft kiss, there was nothing.

That's why I think he may have some sexual hangups or just not attracted.  Or perhaps for him, it's a friendship of sorts. 

Anyway you never know!  I posted in a different thread yesterday that things are often NOT what they appear to be, which may be true in this situation as well.

 

[boltnrun]

My husband made zero moves on me for weeks despite us spending a ton of time together. Now, granted, we insisted we were friends in the beginning but even when I tried to give him clear signs he didn't even try to kiss me. Later after we got together (after I practically leapt on him) he said he didn't want me to think he was just after booty. So he held back despite being super attracted. He didn't have "sexual hangups" either. He just respected me.

However he always made big efforts to see me. He didn't cancel or flake. Or suggest "hanging out" on my couch because he was too lazy to plan outings. Oh, and he didn't have much money but we still managed to go out. One time we shot baskets and then flew a kite. One of my favorite memories. 

[rainbowsandroses]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My husband made zero moves on me for weeks despite us spending a ton of time together.  Now, granted, we insisted we were friends in the beginning .

I think I posted on this thread or another that my first boyfriend and I were "friends" for an entire year before he kissed me one night when the timing was right and we dated for four years after that. 

Which is why I posted for Alex's guy, he may also view as a friendship, hence why no moves. 

I am wondering if Alex may be misinterpreting this entire situation as "dating" and has certain expectations based on this belief. 

When the reality for HIM may be it's been a friendship all along.

I don't know, just tossing it out as a possibility.

Perhaps that will change tonight!

Or not.

Anything is possible.

EDIT:  During our friendship, he (my first bf) never bailed on me, not even once, nor did I ever bail on him. 

[itsallgrand]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I think this more a guy thing… I don’t know any woman having sex with men they aren’t physically attracted to… but of course this is only my point of view

Oh man, I've seen pretty often. Motivations tend to different things but same result. Women I've seen do it more for validation and material gain. Men for the pure physical getting off. 

[Type O Negative]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

My husband made zero moves on me for weeks despite us spending a ton of time together. Now, granted, we insisted we were friends in the beginning but even when I tried to give him clear signs he didn't even try to kiss me. Later after we got together (after I practically leapt on him) he said he didn't want me to think he was just after booty. So he held back despite being super attracted. He didn't have "sexual hangups" either. He just respected me.

However he always made big efforts to see me. He didn't cancel or flake. Or suggest "hanging out" on my couch because he was too lazy to plan outings. Oh, and he didn't have much money but we still managed to go out. One time we shot baskets and then flew a kite. One of my favorite memories

Nevermind

[Capricorn3]

7 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I can't seem to shake there's been nothing, not even the taking of her hand, in three dates, let alone a kiss.

Do others not think this is strange?

^ Nope.  In fact, I find it rather refreshing.

[LootieTootie]

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

My opinion was based mostly on the fact he gave no indication of physical attraction on their three prior dates...

 

 

And this is why your opinion of this man's attraction to Alex is faulty. Your opinions are just mere speculations.

You don't know if this man is actually attracted to Alex or not. Yet you keep beating the horse that "well if he was attracted to you, he would have done x and y." 

Then for the icing, you say "oh Alex, I found out how much you weighed and now it makes sense. He isn't attracted to you because you're overweight. You're safe for someone with a sexual hang up." 🤦‍♀️

8 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think it's possible he's got some sexual hangups/issues.  Alex is safe because she's overweight and he's not attracted. 

 

You are spiraling in your speculations!