Help me see clearer about the last one...

[rainbowsandroses]

Chiming in again. 

I still believe what I posted earlier - before sex he was living in a fantasy, he was attracted, he desired you and wanted sex.  He might have thought at the time he wanted a relationship but it was based on a fantasy versus based on reality. 

After sex, he reached his first goal (sex) the fantasy died and reality hit.  I truly believe that, it's not uncommon.

His reasons for ending it were excuses, an easy out to avoid drama.

Lesson learned.  Don't ever trust it when a man comes on as strong as he did (lovebombing).  It's his hormones talking, he's attracted, he desires you, he is fantasy driven and not thinking clearly (no disrespect to the men on this forum).   

After sex is when reality hits and  it's after that when things often change, slow down as two people navigate the road ahead. 

In this case, after sex he did not want to navigate that road with you.  The reasons don't matter, all that matters is that he didn't want to. 

You don't have to block him however not blocking may make it more difficult to move on.

Reason being, every time you receive a ping that a text came in, or the phone rings, your heart will skip a beat hoping it's him.  This keeps him on your mind (and in your heart). It keeps you stuck and prevents healing and moving on.  I've been there. 

My advice is to block.  You really shouldn't want him contacting you again anyway.  

I realize things aren't always black and white and there are always exceptions but based on how everything went down, even if he does reach out later, chances are the same thing will happen, it  becomas a vicious cycle.  Hot/cold, off/on, push/pull. 

I don't think he treated you fairly or kindly. Again, I realize human behavior isn't black and white with one "correct" way to respond, but imo a decent kind  man would have been more honest.   

NOT given you a bunch of bs excuses about his finances that only became an issue AFTER sex and he was seeking an easy out.

 

[Sindy_0311]

58 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You can block him or not, doesn't matter.

in fact I think it does matter... as @Kwothe28 also said, its more for my own ability to move on, but I doubt the fact that I'm ready to do it now... 

59 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's ok to have chemistry and a good sexual rapport with men, even if you find out some red flags and deal breakers (such as being broke) but if you would like a relationship, it means he can't afford to go out and you may have to give him money to see you and pay for the dates.

 

well, chemistry I had (you can never be sure if it was the case for the other one) the intercourse was ok, but as I said, was neither the best... 

According to ; me dating a broke man, that's not the question, as I don't want to and its not the issue. I for sure wouldn't go on dating him now and even less pay for the dates. 

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

50 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

In this case, after sex he did not want to navigate that road with you.  The reasons don't matter, all that matters is that he didn't want to. 

You are right. no matter the reasons... he simply didn't WANT to. He said he CAN'T but in reality he meant he didn't want to.... 

52 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Reason being, every time you receive a ping that a text came in, or the phone rings, your heart will skip a beat hoping it's him.  This keeps him on your mind (and in your heart). It keeps you stuck and prevents healing and moving on.  I've been there. 

That's exactly why I should block him. because I don't want to hear theses pings and hope for it. 

I think I'm going to wait one more week before blocking him... just in case. if he didn't text until next Saturday (after two weeks of silence) I will do it. 

I'm doing so because I know that if I block him now, that I'm not 100% sure of it, I will probably unblock someday. I also know that I sometimes need time to process and to do things with a deadline in mind just to convey myself that is was the right thing to do...

[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, kehratha said:

I see you don't really like the sound of "love bombing" , but this was exactly what he did, compliments "miss you", consistency in texting and "feeling uneasy" because you didn't reciprocate the frequency bla bla. 

I agree.

7 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

But these red flags you mention are applying to his CURRENT situation... how about in a few month...?  

I think these red flags (lovebombing and oversharing) are more of a character issue than a circumstance issue. I don't think they will go away because they are both the result of messy boundaries.

[Jaunty]

40 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

You are right. no matter the reasons... he simply didn't WANT to. He said he CAN'T but in reality he meant he didn't want to.... 

That's exactly why I should block him. because I don't want to hear theses pings and hope for it. 

I think I'm going to wait one more week before blocking him... just in case. if he didn't text until next Saturday (after two weeks of silence) I will do it. 

 

I don't understand.  Why do you feel like you'll be hopeful of him texting you?  He is a dishonest loser who dumped you, and you said yourself that the chemistry and sex weren't that great anyway.   You barely even spent any time with him so you could not have developed a deep attachment.  

You present yourself like a woman with high standards but this seems very "low hanging fruit" type of situation to me.   

[boltnrun]

Was the flattery and love bombing and dramatic expressions of emotions kind of fun and enjoyable for you? Maybe you just miss the attention. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 my ex husband  financial issues, alcohol abusing that made him loose his license . Now he is all into her because he got his *** together and is ready to build something. Would she have blocked him at that time, they wouldn't have what they have now.

Reflect if this situation is affecting your decisions. Are you thinking that this ex's GF would have "lost out" if she blocked him while he was down and out? 

[kehratha]

4 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I don't understand.  Why do you feel like you'll be hopeful of him texting you?  He is a dishonest loser who dumped you, and you said yourself that the chemistry and sex weren't that great anyway.   You barely even spent any time with him so you could not have developed a deep attachment.  

  

Maybe because is hard for her to let go the fantasy.

From what she said before this thread, she was smiten with him from the beggining, the way he presented himself,  the way he seemed into her, the hole story she created in her mind.

Lovebombing can be addictive, especially when it's well and smart done.

[Type O Negative]

13 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Yeah, in an ideal world, surrounded only by 100% healthy people, they would say that

👍👍👍

[Tinydance]

Didn't read all the comments but read most. To be honest this just sounds like typical dating. I think people have different time frames for when to have sex. You waited until the third date which is maybe fairly quick but it's also relatively common with some people. I think if a man actually was into you and wanted a relationship then he wouldn't just drop off after you had sex. It's hard to know if he just wanted sex and he was "using you" or if he was just giving it a go and then realised he wasn't feeling it. He may have dropped off even if you waited to have sex longer.

I'm not sure if his financial situation was really that bad or he exaggerated it as an excuse to end it. If he was paying for your dates at the start then surely he's not that broke? 

What I did find a bit alarming is he said he blocked his ex wife on everything. But if he has a four-year-old daughter and she's with the ex, then how does he see his daughter? Has he just abandoned his daughter? That would be off putting to me that someone would just cut off their own small child.

[catfeeder]

Unfortunately, I smell a rat. The guy had enough wine and dine money to hang in there until you got sexual, and then suddenly he's a broke and desperate loser?

I think he used sex in the hope you'd bond with him, then he'd test whether you like him enough to offer him financial help.

When that didn't happen, he stayed in just enough contact to learn whether you'd cave and open your purse. Once he recognized that it wasn't going to happen, he cut your conversation and he's done.

And onto the next mark.

I'm so sorry, Sindy. This has been happening to people left and right lately. It's been all over the media, right up there with fake AI abductions and senior citizen scams.

I hope you'll block him and move forward.

 

[MissCanuck]

He was looking for sex and knew all the right things to do and say in order to get it. 

4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

What I did find a bit alarming is he said he blocked his ex wife on everything. But if he has a four-year-old daughter and she's with the ex, then how does he see his daughter?

That stood out to me as well. 

Even if they have stuck to some sort of visitation schedule, how would he know if his daughter had an emergency while she was with her mother, and Mom needed to tell him? Or she needed to otherwise communicate with him about her? I'm side-eyeing this man in a big way.

Red flags all over this guy, OP. 

[Sindy_0311]

5 hours ago, Tinydance said:

What I did find a bit alarming is he said he blocked his ex wife on everything. But if he has a four-year-old daughter and she's with the ex, then how does he see his daughter? Has he just abandoned his daughter? That would be off putting to me that someone would just cut off their own small child.

in fact I said he blocked her on WhatsApp and social media, they still talk through usual texts or phone calls, because he has part time custody of his daughter > not the issue there. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

in fact I said he blocked her on WhatsApp and social media, they still talk through usual texts or phone calls, because he has part time custody of his daughter > not the issue there. 

I agree with cat feeder - and I get that he has access to his daughter through other communication channels but also sounds like he’s not so into being a dad and it’s likely very part time. 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

I smell a rat

Haha that was so funny, because he does look like a rat... (made me laugh) 

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

When that didn't happen, he stayed in just enough contact to learn whether you'd cave and open your purse. Once he recognized that it wasn't going to happen, he cut your conversation and he's done.

I don't know whether he would have asked for money, because he never did and I didn't sense he was going to... he just said he couldn't afford to come see me three times a week. 

But he has been hiding it from me. because he paid for dates, one day he sent me a pictures of shoes he was about to buy, he send me a photo of him eating a pizza at restaurant. Now that I remember, when he sent me the picture of shoes, he said "I was just going out to buy coffee, I'm dangerous when I go to the stores". Makes me think he has a poor money management. I also suspect he went bankrupt with his food truck because on his food truck facebook page he posted a farewell text explaining he didn't make it... Might also be the reason why it went wrong with his ex, because he messed it all and because he is a totally irresponsible man. 

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I agree with cat feeder - and I get that he has access to his daughter through other communication channels but also sounds like he’s not so into being a dad and it’s likely very part time. 

He doesn't work hence he was with his daughter most of the time. and when he used to send me pictures or make video calls he was always with his daughter, I could hear her call him... 

I think his daughter is not the main issue with this guy. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Sindy_0311 said:

He doesn't work hence he was with his daughter most of the time. and when he used to send me pictures or make video calls he was always with his daughter, I could hear her call him... 

I think his daughter is not the main issue with this guy. 

No the issue is what happens when he gets a job. I dated a temporarily unemployed guy for a few months. We broke up for other reasons but I was starting to see he wasn’t looking hard enough for a job.  Wealthy parents helped out. . 

[Sindy_0311]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No the issue is what happens when he gets a job. I dated a temporarily unemployed guy for a few months. We broke up for other reasons but I was starting to see he wasn’t looking hard enough for a job.  Wealthy parents helped out. . 

I see. I think he doesn't look very hard either... it's been almost 6 month he doesn't work. he had social income, and now applied to get unemployed allowance. In Switzerland, they give during two years... so he might just scratch his balls for the next 2 years and go back to social again. 

[Sindy_0311]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Reflect if this situation is affecting your decisions. Are you thinking that this ex's GF would have "lost out" if she blocked him while he was down and out? 

At some point I guess it is affecting my decision.

 

15 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I don't understand.  Why do you feel like you'll be hopeful of him texting you? 

I don't understand either... Maybe just to make sure I didn't get played just for sex, money or whatever and that there was something more in the begining or at least genuine interest from his part. 

You know that feeling when you date people, that you FINALLY find someone interesting you are attracted to, it doesn't go further and you start asking yourself what's wrong with me and feel a bit ***ty... and just have to start again and again and again with theses deceptions that with time will make you even more bitter and lonely and dramatic etc...  ahhhhhh LOL

[Batya33]

33 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I see. I think he doesn't look very hard either... it's been almost 6 month he doesn't work. he had social income, and now applied to get unemployed allowance. In Switzerland, they give during two years... so he might just scratch his balls for the next 2 years and go back to social again. 

Right. What you write isn’t consistent with you respecting or admiring him thus far.  Meaning you know relatively little about him and his life but as an early impression doesn’t sound like you view him as a person of character and integrity. Even potentially. So why stay in touch and why even consider seeing him again ??

[Sindy_0311]

43 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Right. What you write isn’t consistent with you respecting or admiring him thus far.  Meaning you know relatively little about him and his life but as an early impression doesn’t sound like you view him as a person of character and integrity. Even potentially. So why stay in touch and why even consider seeing him again ??

This inconsistent opinion is just me being slowly changing my mind about him... Will make it easier for me to block him and move on. Its also the reason why I needed your perspective on this guy and his intentions, to help me make the decision and see him for who he really is after his lovebombing and blinding BS. 

But I have to confess I really hesitated to post this thread because I feel silly about this and I already had in mind the majority of what you all would say about it. But you also pointed out many interesting aspects I didn't thought about... so thank you for that! 

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

You know that feeling when you date people, that you FINALLY find someone interesting you are attracted to, it doesn't go further and you start asking yourself what's wrong with me and feel a bit ***ty... and just have to start again and again and again with theses deceptions that with time will make you even more bitter and lonely and dramatic etc...  ahhhhhh LOL

Or, you could start viewing dating as a screening process instead of throwing yourself into people emotionally only to be hurt. If you can avoid turning dating into trying to mate, and consider yourself in a position of power and responsibility for learning about people prior to investment, you’ll become more skilled at selecting the right person for the role of your partner.

Wishfulness is a lousy driver. It doesn’t make good outcomes, it prevents you from getting to better ones.

Head high, we all learn by living. Select what you teach yourself carefully. It’s not about anything being wrong with you, but rather a failure to recognize and appreciate your worth. When you can do that, you won’t be in a hurry to settle for just anyone.

[Sindy_0311]

6 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Or, you could start viewing dating as a screening process instead of throwing yourself into people emotionally only to be hurt. If you can avoid turning dating into trying to mate, and consider yourself in a position of power and responsibility for learning about people prior to investment, you’ll become more skilled at selecting the right person for the role of your partner.

Wishfulness is a lousy driver. It doesn’t make good outcomes, it prevents you from getting to better ones.

Head high, we all learn by living. Selected what you teach yourself carefully. It’s not about anything being wrong with you, but rather a failure to recognize and appreciate your worth. When you can do that, you won’t be in a hurry to settle for just anyone.

 Well, In fact I have just been reading some articles about lovebombing.... and it looks like I have been unfortunate victim of it. You were right. I guess he is just some kind of narcissist bad person. He needs validation from women because he feels so ***ty about himself. Hence the fact he lied about his real financial situation and made me believe he had money. (firs time we talked he explained how he has a food truck company, how he invests his money... etc... was all BS.)

No reason not to block him... already done. 

I'm glad I met him because I learnt something new and now I know what lovebombing looks like (never happened to me before... ) 

The article also said that Is not the victims fault, nothing wrong with me apparently. But I will definitely change how I date, take more time to know guys (also sexually speaking).

Head High, lesson learnt...  😊

[Sindy_0311]

Now I'm just waiting for a new topic about lovebombing so I can jump on it explaining my recent experience.

That's so great!!

[rainbowsandroses]

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Now I'm just waiting for a new topic about lovebombing so I can jump on it explaining my recent experience.

That's so great!!

You can always create your own thread about it.  Share your experience and what you've learned from it.

I think it would be a great discussion! 🙂