How do I express to my husband that I am turned off by his constant need to be on his phone..

[JosephineMarie]

Continuation to my last post but: this is often times a big reason for my frustration.

Before we moved in together, my now husband was so respectful about not being stuck on his phone while we were spending time together.. I almost started to think he didn't have social media, much less a phone addiction and it was so refreshing. 
 

well fast forward 8 months later, we are now living together and I was in for a rather rude awakening. I don't want to dehumanize him because jeez he is only human, and I think all humans to some extent are addicted to their phones nowadays, and it isn't like he deliberately ignores me. But it does irk me that he started to show this behavior after we moved in... and it's resulted to be one of my biggest turn offs about him. 
i want to be clear, this doesn't take away from our intimacy or anything but it's just something that I didn't know about him AT ALL until we started living together. I didn't know he could spend hours upon hours consuming media and not have any real hobbies outside of it... 

it often saddens me because I feel like I was blindsided and now that I see this, I just have to tolerate it because he's my husband. 
I know we probably are just different in this sense but, I  would rather sit and talk to my partner in bed, I don't think about grabbing my phone the first thing. Except that's what I've been doing because he's already on his phone and it just completely ruins any chance of connecting... 

[Cherylyn]

What does he say when you mention his excessive  "nose in his phone" 👃 📱  habit?  Would he be amenable to healthy boundaries regarding cell phone use on your together time,  his time and your time? 

My husband and I have an agreement (as do our sons) regarding cell phone use.  No phones during meals together,  while engaging in a verbal conversation,  together time,  outings and the like.  During alone times or if we're together and I'm reading real paper newspaper subscriptions,  library books,  if one of us is watching TV,  etc,  then yes, cell phone use is OK.  We exercise common courtesy regarding cell phone use. 

Hopefully,  both of you can reach a compromise. 

[JosephineMarie]

46 minutes ago, JosephineMarie said:

Continuation to my last post but: this is often times a big reason for my frustration.

Before we moved in together, my now husband was so respectful about not being stuck on his phone while we were spending time together.. I almost started to think he didn't have social media, much less a phone addiction and it was so refreshing. 
 

well fast forward 8 months later, we are now living together and I was in for a rather rude awakening. I don't want to dehumanize him because jeez he is only human, and I think all humans to some extent are addicted to their phones nowadays, and it isn't like he deliberately ignores me. But it does irk me that he started to show this behavior after we moved in... and it's resulted to be one of my biggest turn offs about him. 
i want to be clear, this doesn't take away from our intimacy or anything but it's just something that I didn't know about him AT ALL until we started living together. I didn't know he could spend hours upon hours consuming media and not have any real hobbies outside of it... 

it often saddens me because I feel like I was blindsided and now that I see this, I just have to tolerate it because he's my husband. 
I know we probably are just different in this sense but, I  would rather sit and talk to my partner in bed, I don't think about grabbing my phone the first thing. Except that's what I've been doing because he's already on his phone and it just completely ruins any chance of connecting... 

for example, last night we came home from an entire day of doing errands. I snapped at him earlier that day and was going to try and apologize, and for the other occasions as well.
 

We showered together and he climbed into bed. I went right after him. And the very first thing (the usual) he did, was grab his phone and start scrolling. For about 5 seconds he put his phone down and we cuddled. Then he picked it right back up. 
 

then he told me, with his back turned towards me "ugh I don't know what to do." I said "what do you mean?" "I feel like all I do is important adult things. (???) I just want to distract myself for a little bit." I was hurt. I was sitting right next to him and he still wanted a distraction. He continued to scroll and I said nothing. I closed my eyes to meditate but couldn't focus because he was playing video after video on his phone. After a while I got up to meditate in the living room. When I got back he was dead asleep. He kissed me goodnight and we fell asleep. And that's how most nights are lately... 

We will talk up and down everywhere else but as soon as we hit the bed, I feel like I lose him...

I've tried to implement a no phone in bed policy but 1. It didn't stick. And 2. I just feel like a control freak. 

[Cherylyn]

You're not a control freak.  Exercising common sense courtesy has nothing to do with being a control freak. 

[itsallgrand]

Does he get any time to himself (work doesn't count) without anyone around? 

[Batya33]

Question - is this for work or social ? Is he reading books online or is he on his phone ? If he got in bed with an actual book or magazine or had the news on TV would it feel the same ? For my sleep hygiene and sanity I shut my phone off around 8:30 and try to be in bed by 9:30. Husband is usually getting work done on his laptop and or watching tv. I sit in our comfy recliner with a book or magazine and a snack for about 20 minutes before bed.
 

Sometimes I half watch what is on tv. For those 20 minutes - after cleaning up from dinner plus doing a quick clean of the bathrooms etc I want to decompress and have a snack and read my book. And mostly not talk. Similarly when he first gets up - hours after me - he’s not in a particularly chatty mood. He has breakfast and starts his work day. 
When there  is a ball game he is fairly intense about watching and texts with his cousin about the game. To me this is not phone addiction. 
but here’s the thing. If we’re not on our phone for work or something urgent and he wants to talk I physically put my phone to the side and I look at him. If I want to talk he might glance at his phone depending but not in a bad way or an addicted way. We come first other than the he’s not a morning person way and my reading before bed. Also I tell him when I need my time to eat quietly and zone in front of a screen. But again I don’t feel either of us is addicted and I feel we put each other above scrolling on a  phone to talk. I don’t keep my phone on my nightstand. 
I think this can be solved with simple communication and not assuming we’re all addicted to our phones. Also whether you’d feel the same if he was reading a book. also I think it’s fine to have times when you don’t want to connect as I described above. Good luck !!

[Batya33]

I read what you wrote - he shouldn’t play videos loud right next to you in bed. He sounds like he needs me time but maybe he can get that other than when he is in bed with you ? 

[JosephineMarie]

2 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Does he get any time to himself (work doesn't count) without anyone around? 

Not really, I wfh so anytime he is home, I am too. other than the rare occasion where I run a errand of mine on his off day and he stays home (but that's only for a bit tbh) 

 

24 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Question - is this for work or social ? Is he reading books online or is he on his phone ? If he got in bed with an actual book or magazine or had the news on TV would it feel the same ? For my sleep hygiene and sanity I shut my phone off around 8:30 and try to be in bed by 9:30. Husband is usually getting work done on his laptop and or watching tv. I sit in our comfy recliner with a book or magazine and a snack for about 20 minutes before bed.
 

Sometimes I half watch what is on tv. For those 20 minutes - after cleaning up from dinner plus doing a quick clean of the bathrooms etc I want to decompress and have a snack and read my book. And mostly not talk. Similarly when he first gets up - hours after me - he’s not in a particularly chatty mood. He has breakfast and starts his work day. 
When there  is a ball game he is fairly intense about watching and texts with his cousin about the game. To me this is not phone addiction. 
but here’s the thing. If we’re not on our phone for work or something urgent and he wants to talk I physically put my phone to the side and I look at him. If I want to talk he might glance at his phone depending but not in a bad way or an addicted way. We come first other than the he’s not a morning person way and my reading before bed. Also I tell him when I need my time to eat quietly and zone in front of a screen. But again I don’t feel either of us is addicted and I feel we put each other above scrolling on a  phone to talk. I don’t keep my phone on my nightstand. 
I think this can be solved with simple communication and not assuming we’re all addicted to our phones. Also whether you’d feel the same if he was reading a book. also I think it’s fine to have times when you don’t want to connect as I described above. Good luck !!

It's social. I would definitely feel a lil different if it was a book, but I'd still want to connect

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, JosephineMarie said:

I've tried to implement a no phone in bed policy but 1. It didn't stick. And 2. I just feel like a control freak. 

Make it plain and simple for him to understand: Phone OR sex, not both.

[Jaunty]

In your other thread you said you've lived together for 8 months, and have been married for one month.

Why did you marry him after 7 months of learning all the ways that the two of you are incompatible?

[Kampuniform3]

You mentioned in your other thread that the pair of you were living with his mother. 

It would appear to me that he finds the arrangement equally as unpalatable as you, and needs more than average down time to cope with his stress. 

My ex was complained continuously about the length of my screen time in the evenings...whilst on her own phone. 

When I was on my phone, I desperately needed some time to myself, and to look into topics that interested me, as I didn't have the opportunity to do so otherwise. 

A heathy relationship is one where you acknowledge that your partner has a right to disengage, and follow their own interests from time to time, even ones that you find banal. 

[itsallgrand]

1 hour ago, JosephineMarie said:

Not really, I wfh so anytime he is home, I am too. other than the rare occasion where I run a errand of mine on his off day and he stays home (but that's only for a bit tbh) 

 

It's social. I would definitely feel a lil different if it was a book, but I'd still want to connect

Yeah, maybe you can work out some way so he can get some time to himself regularly, even if you do have to wait on that until next month when you will be moving out of your mom's? 

I know I get grumpy when I don't get my time to myself. A lot of us need that bit to just not have to think of anything except ourselves and decompressing completely. The thing he said to you sort of screams that he is getting burnt out without that. And that's when people start to just zone out even when they wouldn't normally .

My SO and I both worked at home during lockdowns. We became acutely aware of how crucial time just for ourselves is for our together time !! 

I'd try that first before worrying more about it. Try to cut him some slack in the meantime. 

[Seraphim]

How about some time in the great outdoors? That is free and healthy and you can do it together .My husband and I walk daily in the evening and even hike at times . 

[lostandhurt]

A lot of men do not take a woman's complaining, nagging or simply trying to express how unhappy they are seriously until it is usually to late and they have checked out and there is no way to fix it.

 Sit down with him face to face and ask him to turn his phone off because you have something very important to talk to him about.  When there are no distractions you need to be serious and look right into his eyes and tell him.  Now choosing your words to get through to a man is the tricky part but you need to figure out how to get his attention and make him feel like part of the solution, not just the problem.  For example: "I am really concerned our marriage cannot survive if we don't grow closer together which I thought would happen once you moved in but we seem to be growing apart, not together"   He of course will act shocked and confused and ask what you are talking about so be prepared to give examples but try and avoid blaming him directly.  Make sure you also ask him what he thinks the health of the relationship is like.  Get his input, ask him how he thinks you two could grow closer.  Once he sees and hears words like the marriage cannot survive or really concerned he should take the situation more seriously.  I am not saying make ultimatums or anything like that but you need to make it clear to him that the status quo is not acceptable to you and let him know what your expectations are in this relationship/marriage.  If you just think he should know you are sadly mistaken, men know what women tell them for the most part. 

  Lost

 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, JosephineMarie said:

 couldn't focus because he was playing video after video on his phone. 

We will talk up and down everywhere else but as soon as we hit the bed, I feel like I lose him...

You have already tried talking to him about this. It's rude and inconsiderate to keep you awake while he fumbles through his phone.

It's time for you to take action rather than allowing this complacency and rudeness to continue. Does he pay your mother rent or is he just mooching?

It's not about "poor him, he needs to unwind" . He's deliberately tuning you out and ignoring you. 

He can scroll through his phone and "unwind" all he wants on the living room sofa. He doesn't have to keep you up playing videos all night.

You need to take action. He's stepping all over you, getting lazy and complacent and disrespecting your needs and concerns. 

Let him know that he is free to move out of your mother's house if he wants to ignore you and disturb your sleep and peace of mind.

Stopped letting him walk all over you. That's Not what a marriage is about. It's not about camping out at your mother's house and treating you like furniture.

It's no wonder you're miserable since he moved in. Was this an arranged marriage? It all seems quite rushed and ill prepared for.

 

[1a1a]

I had this argument a lot with my partner. He likes, no, loooooves his phone and the distraction it can provide him. I kept saying that I felt like we get plenty of solo time which he can use for this and precious little time together and when we are together wouldn’t he like to be together? And also that the kind of conversation that springs up through time spent together can’t happen any other way. Like, we’re in the room together and stories pop into my head, things from the day I’d like to share with him. But when he’s on his phone I don’t feel like there’s any space for those kinds of conversations to happen. 
 

And he got a lot better about it. Maybe he’s wide awake and I’m ready to sleep and he’ll give me 5 minutes of quality time and then put head phones on and dive into his phone which feels like a decent compromise to me. 
 

In your case, maybe you could frame it like this ‘partner, I really enjoy the conversations we have when we’re together at the end of the day and both present and lately I’ve been feeling like you jumping straight on your phone prevents those conversations from ever happening. It’s making me feel shut out and distant from you and I’d really like to turn that around. How have you been feeling about our closeness? And do you have any ideas about how to get a good balance between your decompression time and us getting to spend time together? ‘
 

See what he says. Maybe right now his need for connection is met but when he hears yours isn’t will he modify his behaviour to accomodate?

 

Maybe you can also bring a suggestion to the table about how to resolve this which is every second night the phone doesn’t come out when you’re in bed together. Or, as has been suggested up thread, is there a way he can get his solo time in so it doesn’t come at the expense of the us time? 

[Coily]

Start laying the ground work for making changes, but the big thing is never use an ultimatum as that will poison the relationship towards destructive ends.  That "pick the phone or  sex comment" somewhere above is basically saying that he is subservient to you not your partner and not resolving anything is a positive way.

Until you are living in your own apartment this is the sort of problem that needs a soft touch, after reading your previous post I think your husband is suffering from a severe lack of personal space and time. It would be reasonable if you told him to do this on the couch, but until you all move out the bed is his refuge.

As for laying the ground work, as Lost said, have the conversation, lay things out and don't make him the villain. Ween him off the phone with positive reinforcement, like how you would like to be treated.

 

[Seraphim]

23 minutes ago, Coily said:

Start laying the ground work for making changes, but the big thing is never use an ultimatum as that will poison the relationship towards destructive ends.  That "pick the phone or  sex comment" somewhere above is basically saying that he is subservient to you not your partner and not resolving anything is a positive way.

Until you are living in your own apartment this is the sort of problem that needs a soft touch, after reading your previous post I think your husband is suffering from a severe lack of personal space and time. It would be reasonable if you told him to do this on the couch, but until you all move out the bed is his refuge.

As for laying the ground work, as Lost said, have the conversation, lay things out and don't make him the villain. Ween him off the phone with positive reinforcement, like how you would like to be treated.

 

I agree if you are living with your parents, nobody has personal time or space but their bedroom. 

[Wonderstruck]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You have already tried talking to him about this. It's rude and inconsiderate to keep you awake while he fumbles through his phone.

It's time for you to take action rather than allowing this complacency and rudeness to continue. Does he pay your mother rent or is he just mooching?

It's not about "poor him, he needs to unwind" . He's deliberately tuning you out and ignoring you. 

He can scroll through his phone and "unwind" all he wants on the living room sofa. He doesn't have to keep you up playing videos all night.

You need to take action. He's stepping all over you, getting lazy and complacent and disrespecting your needs and concerns. 

Let him know that he is free to move out of your mother's house if he wants to ignore you and disturb your sleep and peace of mind.

Stopped letting him walk all over you. That's Not what a marriage is about. It's not about camping out at your mother's house and treating you like furniture.

It's no wonder you're miserable since he moved in. Was this an arranged marriage? It all seems quite rushed and ill prepared for.

This comment is like a beacon of light in a thread full of darkness.

@JosephineMarie, please re-read this comment over and over again.

You don't need to "wean him off of" anything, he is not a child.

You should NOT have to explain basic decency to him like he's five years old.

Don't be deceived into believing that "men only know what women tell them", and it's YOUR responsibility to instill basic values into him as if you're his mother.

Trust me, there are plenty of men who would never DREAM of acting this way.

[Kampuniform3]

From my experience, one of the worst mistakes one can make in any social interaction is to make assumptions about the other person. 

Some notable ones:

- The other person's life experience is equivalent to mine. 

- Their emotional maturity is equivalent to mine. 

- Their level of agreeableness and conscientiousness is equivalent to mine. 

- That they are incapable of making profound errors. 

- That they are capable of introspection. 

- They are responsible for my well being. 

- They should have magical powers to read my mind. 

- That they are impervious to stress.

etc.

 

If you go through life with a set of these assumptions, and unrealistic expectations, every social interaction will inevitably be compromised. 

I think you will find that a balanced, level-headed approach to problem solving-free from assumptions-usually wins the day every time. 

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Kampuniform3 said:

From my experience, one of the worst mistakes one can make in any social interaction is to make assumptions about the other person. 

Some notable ones:

- The other person's life experience is equivalent to mine. 

- Their emotional maturity is equivalent to mine. 

- Their level of agreeableness and conscientiousness is equivalent to mine. 

- That they are incapable of making profound errors. 

- That they are capable of introspection. 

- They are responsible for my well being. 

- They should have magical powers to read my mind. 

- That they are impervious to stress.

etc.

 

If you go through life with a set of these assumptions, and unrealistic expectations, every social interaction will inevitably be compromised. 

I think you will find that a balanced, level-headed approach to problem solving-free from assumptions-usually wins the day every time. 

 

This is not just a social interaction. It’s a marriage so they’re a couple and a team and linked financially too.  He took wedding vows. She can assume he loves her, wants to be committed to her, to be a team with her and to spend time with her. She can assume basic adult manners and common sense.  By contrast if I have lunch with an acquaintance and she is in her phone the whole time it’s rude but whatever we’re not married or even close friends so I wouldn’t have lunch with her again. 

[Kampuniform3]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

This is not just a social interaction. It’s a marriage so they’re a couple and a team and linked financially too.  He took wedding vows. She can assume he loves her, wants to be committed to her, to be a team with her and to spend time with her. She can assume basic adult manners and common sense.  By contrast if I have lunch with an acquaintance and she is in her phone the whole time it’s rude but whatever we’re not married or even close friends so I wouldn’t have lunch with her again. 

That's a false equivalence. 

As the old expression goes, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. Anticipating that life and people are all here to accommodate our desires, and continuously adhere to some ethereal standard of behaviour, is unrealistic at best. Ruinous in a long-term relationship. 

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, Kampuniform3 said:

That's a false equivalence. 

As the old expression goes, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. Anticipating that life and people are all here to accommodate our desires, and continuously adhere to some ethereal standard of behaviour, is unrealistic at best. Ruinous in a long-term relationship. 

I disagree. I think there are certain common sense assumptions when two  people choose to marry and choose to marry for love and the right reasons. Like he won’t be on his phone to the extent he is especially if he knows it upsets his wife to this degree. 
Or like I assume my husband will take care of me if I’m ill. Maybe not in the way I would take care of him but his intentions will be to want to help me when I’m ill or injured. We don’t expect that of casual friends. 

[SooSad33]

On 6/13/2023 at 6:25 PM, JosephineMarie said:

with his back turned towards me "ugh I don't know what to do." I said "what do you mean?" "I feel like all I do is important adult things. (???) I just want to distract myself for a little bit." I was hurt. I was sitting right next to him and he still wanted a distraction.

I'm wondering if now that's he's with you ALL the time, he's more 'comfortable' so feels okay to grab the phone and have some 'down time' that way.

Do you guys have a tv in your bedroom?  If so, how about you agree to watch a cpl shows before sleep instead?  Then it can kind of 'occupy' his busy mind in a good way - as I do each night.  I watch a favourite comedy before I doze off = better frame of mind. 🙂  ( and I never have my phone up in my face in bed unless I get an important notification- which is hardly ever).

 

 

[Kampuniform3]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I disagree. I think there are certain common sense assumptions when two  people choose to marry and choose to marry for love and the right reasons. Like he won’t be on his phone to the extent he is especially if he knows it upsets his wife to this degree. 
Or like I assume my husband will take care of me if I’m ill. Maybe not in the way I would take care of him but his intentions will be to want to help me when I’m ill or injured. We don’t expect that of casual friends. 

You make a good argument, certainly.

Perhaps I'm just viewing their predicament through a different lens.

Some men truly need to completely disengage in order to function optimally, and the greater the degree of stress, the greater the need to fully switch the world and its problems off for a little while...even your partner's. 

Their life circumstances aren't enviable at the moment, and granting a little leeway to both of them will help...in my opinion. 

If this were to persist beyond their current environment, however...