Advice from Polyamorous couples only please

[Ribbity]

This post is about our sex life and If you are not ok with that or with polyamory and are going to be judgemental please go elsewhere, We are early 20’s and I am bisexual. My boyfriend has found a couple of women who are also dating him, we are happy to be with him at the same time, especially as he promised us he wouldn’t favour one over the other and would love us equally. We have all felt loved and cared for, and I know he really doesn’t want us ti p be upset, but there is only one of him, and he can only divide his time so much. At times I have started to feel left out. He also wants time with us separately which is ok, but he really is favouring us over one another, but I can tell he is particularly attracted to one of the women and they have kind of become separate from us and are mostly like their own couple, during sex he does gives us all attention but particularly her, it’s hard to be happy for him and his love for her when I kind of feel like he is being stolen, I have tried to speak to him about it and he has admitted there is an issue but he is only half heartedly making an effort towards us, is there anything that can be done to make it more equal again 

[bluecastle]

I’m not in a poly relationship, so discard if you wish, though I have zero judgement and have plenty of people in my circle who have been in shoes similar to yours…

Anyhow, since you’ve talked to him about this already all you can do now is (a) see if anything changes and (b) decide what you will do if nothing does. I’d give the same advice if you were talking about the cookiest of cookie cutter relationships and writing about a dude who says he’ll be better about sound the dishes but, alas, keep leaving them piled in the sink. 

Some general thoughts to chew on, or not, as you see fit: in every relationship there are going to be stretches where you feel your partner’s attention is elsewhere, and even that their “loyalty” and “devotion” is flickering. In hardcore monagomy those moments are often going to be because someone is consumed by work, or a personal passion, or reeling from some emotional blow. In a poly union, more often than not, those moments are going to be along the lines of what you’ve described.

Question: Are you dating anyone else outside of this? Do you want to? 

[Jaunty]

I'm completely open minded about different ways of having relationships and families.  I know people who live in poly situations.  For the life of me, I cannot figure out how people can do it.  I realize that I'm a monogamous type, at least as far as real relationships go (I mean beyond sexual adventuring), so it's not surprising that I can't wrap my mind around it - but it seems like everybody is different and connections are stronger and weaker.  How can a guy "promise" that he will love all equally?  Love is what it is, sexual chemistry is too.  If he has more for one than others, how can he be expected to manage that?

[MissCanuck]

I'm not poly, but have no issue with consenting adults who prefer this lifestyle. 

But as in any relationship issue, there needs to be equal effort from any party involved when it comes to resolving the problems, which brings me to this:

1 hour ago, Ribbity said:

he is only half heartedly making an effort towards us, is there anything that can be done to make it more equal again 

Not without his equal participation, no. He has to have the same goal as you in order for this to work (ie, not prioritizing one of you ladies over another) If he is not on the same page and not interested in really finding a solution, then you need to ask yourself this relationship is really the right fit for you anymore.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

I'm completely open minded about different ways of having relationships and families.  I know people who live in poly situations.  For the life of me, I cannot figure out how people can do it.  I realize that I'm a monogamous type, at least as far as real relationships go (I mean beyond sexual adventuring), so it's not surprising that I can't wrap my mind around it - but it seems like everybody is different and connections are stronger and weaker.  How can a guy "promise" that he will love all equally?  Love is what it is, sexual chemistry is too.  If he has more for one than others, how can he be expected to manage that?

Not in a poly relationship.  Posting because I also was surprised there was any sort of promise made to “love all equally especially when it involves a person who enjoys having sex with multiple partners and who gets emotionally attached through sex - like to you right?  
Did you make the same promise to him and do you think you could live up to such a promise?  Maybe if you get busy dating and having sex with other men and women you won’t notice it as much. Or is this an arrangement he initiated and you settled for so at least you’d get to have some romantic time with him ?

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Ribbity said:

 We are early 20’s and I am bisexual. My boyfriend has found a couple of women who are also dating him, 

Is this  really polyamory? Where are your other male and female lovers?  Why aren't you free to be with other men and women? Why aren't you doing that for yourself?

Or are you just sharing him with other women because it's what he wants? Are you trying to fix and change him so he's more attentive to you?  Only you can decide if this works for you. Right now, you are hurt. So it's time to reflect on what you want to do about it. 

Take control back over your life. It doesn't matter what your sexuality or lifestyle is.  You're not happy and you're trying to make this a cool lifestyle situation, but trust your instincts.

You listed this under "infidelity", so at least you have some insight into not being true to yourself about how this particular scenario isn't working for you.

[catfeeder]

Sexual jealousy is natural. It's a biological instinct of survival built into all mammal primates, to one degree or another, regardless of whether the context is a pair bond or a cooperative--so your feelings are valid and not 'wrong'. It's how your strains of ancestors survived through generations to produce you.

Add to that, outside of sex, the only other times during a woman's lifetime that she activates the same degree of bonding hormones are during breast feeding.

So it's really difficult to cram natural emotional bonds that go along with sex into a contract that attempts to govern fairness and equity among the many.

Sure, it can be done--it can be performed. But the question becomes, is it what you want?

If your guy decides that the only people who need to abide by your agreement are you-not-him, then you can negotiate all you want, but you're not really tricking yourself.

Good news is, your guy only owns the power that you give to him.

 

[Tinydance]

I'm not polyamorous but I tried it (not for me) and a fair few of my friends are polyamorous. I have no problem with people who are polyamorous or do whatever they want as long as they don't hurt anybody and everything is consensual. 

I could be wrong but I'm getting an impression from your post that maybe you don't actually want to be polyamorous? Or you did but now realised maybe it's not working for you. You actually didn't say that you're dating or seeing anyone else. Were you always polyamorous or did your boyfriend suggest it and you just went along with it?

The thing is I think unfortunately it's inevitable that he might like someone more than someone else. Looking back on people I dated or ex's, I did actually love or have stronger connection with some more than others. I mean, I liked/loved all of them but just some had a much better "click" or spark or whatever you call it. The difference being though I wasn't polyamorous so any of my partners didn't actually know that maybe I connected better with a previous partner. Unfortunately because you're polyamorous you're seeing it first-hand.

I think in this situation the only thing you can really do is accept it, or not be polyamorous. Or you could also start relationships with more people so that you are also busy and filling up your time with others.

The thing is, how people feel just is and you can't really change it. For example, you could ask your boyfriend to spend more time with you, etc.  But if he's naturally more drawn to the other woman then that's something you can't actually control. You would need to either be OK with it, stop being poly, or stop this particular relationship if you can't be OK with it.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

s this  really polyamory? Where are your other male and female lovers?  Why aren't you free to be with other men and women? Why aren't you doing that for yourself?

I was wondering the same thing.  I thought it was when both people want that arrangement not when one person settles because his or her partner has other partners ready willing and able and chooses to sleep with multiple people.

[Kwothe28]

56 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I thought it was when both people want that arrangement not when one person settles because his or her partner has other partners ready willing and able and chooses to sleep with multiple people.

From what Ive gathered from OP, they are more like commune, meaning its more of a "harem" situation where they all have sex together or separately with the guy. So maybe other women are also considered her other lovers?

Anyway, OP, I am pretty open minded. And in an ideal world maybe it would be possible to achieve that kind of balance you are talking about. But in a real world, situations like yours happen. He fancies her more then you or others and has maybe more connection there. So he spends more time with her. Its quite impossible to achieve some kind of perfect balance there.

Also, I am sorry, but in order to achieve that perfect balance there shouldnt be jealousy between any of you. You are exhibiting jealousy now. Which brings me to my second point. Lots of people like you gets "coerced" into polyamory, open relationships and such. Usually one partner is into it and has other options and other reluctantly agrees so they wouldnt lose partner. There are numerous online testimonies of that. If that is the case with you, maybe it would be better not to get involved into that kind of arrangements. Especially if you are jealous kind.

[Coily]

No boiler plate.
Here's the question for the OP; as they guy has pick a clear preference , are you okay with being a lesser partner in this situation? This needs to be a self evaluation, not brute forcing this guy to conform to a set of rules where human emotions are primary.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Usually one partner is into it and has other options and other reluctantly agrees so they wouldnt lose partner.

Yes and also check in with yourself -was part of the allure how much other women want to have intercourse with him too -the thrill of the chase -but now you're experiencing the downside as even with all your allure and all your awesomeness -he prefers to have sex with and be with this other person?