Why did he actually break up with me? In your opinion.

[KrazyKat]

I need some closure on this because it's weighing on me. 

Met this guy and we've been seeing each other for about two months.

He was very persistent and attentive. Always texting me multiple times every day and asking when I'm free.

He was very funny and outgoing. We bonded over our shared interests in so many things. Superhero movies, Sci-Fi, Dungeons and Dragons, Magic the Gathering, anime, cartoons, the world of art, and our creative endeavors. We had a ***ton of things in common, and that is rare for me to find.

Things were going very fast between us. We would meet up very frequently, so the relationship felt longer than it actually was.

When we finally made things official, we started doing more sexual stuff together, without going all the way.

It's important to note that I'm a virgin. Never been touched before him. It was also my very first relationship so I was a bit nervous about it all.  

He, on the other hand, was a bit more experienced, from what I could tell. Once we officially got together, he became extremely obsessed with my body. 

Still, we did other things like go to the museum and what not. But he told me that he was going through financial issues, so we hung out at his house more often.

I met his parents. (he lives with them) And he introduced me to his friends. He also expressed a desire to meet my parents. 

But I noticed every time we did something sexual together, he would stop texting me as often the next day. He still made a point to text me every day, but it became noticeably less frequent. 

Over time, he started texting me less and less. He said this was because he was working overtime at his job. But I noticed that he still made time for his friends. 

One morning, he sent me a bunch of dirty text messages. And a video of himself jacking off. I called him and politely told him that I'm not ready for sexting just yet. I also asked if he would give me more attention the next day, after being intimate with him. (we weren't having actual sex just yet, but we were working our way up to that)

There was a long awkward silence on his end. But then he agreed. 

After that, his texting became even more sparse.

 

 

Our last date together was over my parents house. My parents are very strict, so we weren't allowed to go in my room. Instead, we were in the living room watching movies.

I tried to talk to him about the things we were watching. But he seemed kinda out of it. He wasn't talking as much as usual. (I assumed at the time that it was because of work stress) He also seemed more interested in touching me and fondling me.

I would've been alright with that... If we weren't at my parent’s house. Especially In the living room where they could walk in at any second. But he kept persisting on touching me and eventually, I just let him.

 

for the next week, he would text me much less frequently than he did in the beginning. 

At the end of the week, he called me and said he “didn't have the time or energy for a relationship.” He asked to just be friends. 

At this point I didn't believe him. I told him that I felt used, and I hung up on him. I then sent him a long text message telling him that I felt led on, used, and mistreated. I told him that I believed he broke up with me because he wanted sex quicker and easier.

 

A few days later, I got a long message from him. It basically stated that the sex part wasn't the main reason he broke up with me. The main reason is that “we didn't have much to talk about.” He said that we didn't vibe well together and that there was a permeating awkwardness to it all. He apologized for everything and said that he was trying to find any reason to stay with me. That's apparently why he was so eager to get physical at my parents.

He cited “social anxiety” as a reason for the breakup. But it was very vaguely worded. I couldn't figure out if he was talking about my anxiety or his own.

 

To me it didn't make sense because we have a ton of stuff in common. I also don't remember having nothing to talk about with him. We spent entire days together, just walking and chatting and having a great time.  Idk if I'm delusional or what.

Still I decided to reach out one more time and apologize. Our communication ended there. 

To be frank, I'm not sure what to believe.  I have OCD so I've been rolling this around in my head for a while now. I still have all these lingering questions. And I sometimes think that I unintentionally did something to repel him. I feel like it's my fault. 

Please help me make sense of this!

[Batya33]

I think it was an excuse mostly. You don’t vibe well because he’s heavily focused on sex and sexual stuff and wants an arrangement where the woman is into sharing sexual photos and you’re not that person. He sounds really creepy TBH and extremely pushy and disrespectful.  I think you dodged a bullet here. 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, KrazyKat said:

. I told him that I believed he broke up with me because he wanted sex quicker and easier.

Sorry this happened. I think you're right. But he's denying it.  Sending you that video was crude and he's too pushy and disrespectful.

You dodged a bullet. Be glad it was only a couple of months. Always go at your own pace. If a guy sends you pornographic (dic pics,etc.)material end it there and then.

[Big Stan]

Of course the guy isn't going to admit that he wants sex right away, he doesn't want to look like a pervert.  But it's clear that he does and that when he is not getting it you're getting the cold shoulder.  If you're not ready you're not ready, and that's okay.  IDK how old you two are, but it's also okay if he wants to be with someone in a sexual way assuming you're both old enough. 

You just aren't compatible.  You should be with someone who's willing to move at your pace and he should be with someone who's willing to move at his.  

[KrazyKat]

11 minutes ago, Big Stan said:

Of course the guy isn't going to admit that he wants sex right away, he doesn't want to look like a pervert.  But it's clear that he does and that when he is not getting it you're getting the cold shoulder.  If you're not ready you're not ready, and that's okay.  IDK how old you two are, but it's also okay if he wants to be with someone in a sexual way assuming you're both old enough. 

You just aren't compatible.  You should be with someone who's willing to move at your pace and he should be with someone who's willing to move at his.  

I think you're right. I just wish he was mature enough to be honest with me from the start. This kind of confusion triggers my OCD and I kept rolling it around in my head for awhile. I'm 23 and he's 22 by the way.

It takes me longer to get over things than most people. But I’m trying my best to move forward.

[Kwothe28]

Quote

Why did he actually break up with me? In your opinion.

Probably lack of sex. Men his age often only think about one thing. You can recognize them by relentlesly pushing for that one thing. 

You are a virgin. Its important to realize that you did nothing wrong by not giving him what he wanted. It was him who didnt respected those boundaries, pushed for more and broke up when he didnt get what he wanted. Which shows that you are incompatible. You are young and will find somebody else. That would respect those boundaries and agree to go with your pace. So dont sweat over this, its for the best for you that it ended.

[Tinydance]

How old are you and he? I was getting a sense that you're young people, like late teens or early 20's? I know you're not very experienced with dating and I hate to say something negative, but it's actually common for some guys to be mostly sex driven. When I first started dating, sometimes I'd really like a guy but he kept pushing for sex. Then I wouldn't hear from him again and I was upset and thought: "What did I do wrong??!" I'd message him and do the same thing as you and ask what I did wrong or what happened. Sometimes I wouldn't get any response or I'd just get some fake excuses along the lines of what you got. One time one of those guys said he'd come over to talk to me about it when my parents were away and he basically sexually assaulted me.

I want to add though that not all guys are like this and I also dated some really nice guys or shy guys who were actually too shy to make any move. Or who were even a virgin in their 20's or 30's. So this is not actually to say that all guys are bad or will sexually assault you so please don't think I'm saying that.

I think that the main reason why this guy lost interest is the sex. The fact that he was trying to touch you even in the lounge room in your parents' house shows his lack of respect for both you and your family. He seemed to be fine with dating you as long as you were fooling around with him but as soon as you tried to slow it down, he lost interest. I think in this particular case it seems pretty clear that he was mainly after sex.

And even if he did find it awkward talking to you or wasn't into you, did he still keep dating you just to get sex? Which also seems pretty wrong.

Although just to comment on the fact that you had a lot of common interests and hobbies and things like that. Sometimes you might be dating someone and you might have common interests, values, etc. but that "spark" or chemistry is just missing. It might seem on paper that you should be a good match but sometimes that connection or click for some reason just isn't there.

I guess all I'm trying to say is that yes it's still possible a guy might not be into you and find it awkward even if you do have a lot in common. I've actually been in those situations where I went on a date with a nice person who had the same values and interests but the conversation and attraction just didn't flow. In this case I think it was probably related to sex but I was just saying having common interests doesn't necessarily equal good chemistry.

[Big Stan]

33 minutes ago, KrazyKat said:

I think you're right. I just wish he was mature enough to be honest with me from the start. This kind of confusion triggers my OCD and I kept rolling it around in my head for awhile. I'm 23 and he's 22 by the way.

It takes me longer to get over things than most people. But I’m trying my best to move forward.

Yeah He's old enough to want sex IMO.  You DO still have the right to move at your pace and neither one of you are wrong for wanting what you want.  I understand that in an ideal world it would be best if he just admitted that he wanted sex sooner, but men who do that tend to be branded as scum or deviants pretty quickly.  

Men can catch a fair amount of crap for being straight up with their desire for sex as men are by default seen as creeps and perverts.  So I agree with you, but at the same time understand why he didn't. 

[Starlight925]

The video he sent to you is disgusting and disturbing.

He was trying to get a reaction out of you.

Knowing you're a virgin, he thought it would turn you on, as it wasn't something you asked for, nor had you entered into a sexting type of communication.

Good for you for not responding with anything similar.  For future:  NEVER ever send a picture of yourself naked to anyone.  NEVER.

Why did he break up with you?  The answers are in the responses above.

Just be glad he did.

[MissCanuck]

You two were sexually incompatible, and he sounds like a horny teenager. 

He obviously wanted more in bed - a lot more - and was not respectful or mature about it. This was absolutely not the man for you. It's normal that he wanted sex but the way he went about it was crap. 

Having said that, at 23 you could stand to be more independent from your parents.  Most young men are not going to love the fact that they're so strict and that you're under their thumb. It might be a good time to start looking at how to branch out from them more.  

[Tinydance]

22 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You two were sexually incompatible, and he sounds like a horny teenager. 

He obviously wanted more in bed - a lot more - and was not respectful or mature about it. This was absolutely not the man for you. It's normal that he wanted sex but the way he went about it was crap. 

Having said that, at 23 you could stand to be more independent from your parents.  Most young men are not going to love the fact that they're so strict and that you're under their thumb. It might be a good time to start looking at how to branch out from them more.  

I was actually going to say the same but didn't edit my comment in time. The thing is, you are in your mid 20's so it's not really OK that your parents don't allow you even to go into your bedroom with your boyfriend. I'm not even saying that you would be having sex but you need your own space to hang out without your parents keeping an eye on you. It's not really normal that parents tell a 23-year-old just to stay in the lounge room with their date.

Are your parents and/or you religious? I think your parents have to understand it's normal to have alone time with someone you're dating and it's even normal to have sex. This isn't a good look to someone you bring over. I'm not saying because you can't have sex but because you're being controlled by your parents and being treated like you're under age. 

What do you do with yourself, do you study or work? Can you afford to move out with some housemates?

[KrazyKat]

3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I was actually going to say the same but didn't edit my comment in time. The thing is, you are in your mid 20's so it's not really OK that your parents don't allow you even to go into your bedroom with your boyfriend. I'm not even saying that you would be having sex but you need your own space to hang out without your parents keeping an eye on you. It's not really normal that parents tell a 23-year-old just to stay in the lounge room with their date.

Are your parents and/or you religious? I think your parents have to understand it's normal to have alone time with someone you're dating and it's even normal to have sex. This isn't a good look to someone you bring over. I'm not saying because you can't have sex but because you're being controlled by your parents and being treated like you're under age. 

What do you do with yourself, do you study or work? Can you afford to move out with some housemates?

I think I get what you're saying. My parents are very strict, but if I talk to them about it, they always say that it's their house and their rules. I've had to argue back in fourth with them about the clothes I wear, and staying out as late as I want. I was able to eventually get through to them on those issues... But bringing a guy into my room is always going to be an issue if I'm living under their roof.

Tbh, sometimes I don't realize how strict they are, because I've never known anything else. They are religious, and respect is a HUGE thing in our household.

I do remember him saying that he didn't like that my parents were so strict. ( I had a hard time just having him come over my house) But unfortunately, there is not much I can do except save up and get my own place. I am not in the financial position to do that anytime soon.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, KrazyKat said:

, they always say that it's their house and their rules. They are religious, and respect is a HUGE thing in our household.

That's ok. They are correct about their house. Your parents aren't the problem. You are being supported by them so they do have a say in what goes on in their house.

The problem is this horndog BF. He's disrespectful to you, your parents and their beliefs. The only reason anyone would send you a video of themselves masturbating is obvious. 

Try to date a better class of men. Sure guys want sex, but he's being immature and disrespectful about it.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, KrazyKat said:

I think I get what you're saying. My parents are very strict, but if I talk to them about it, they always say that it's their house and their rules. I've had to argue back in fourth with them about the clothes I wear, and staying out as late as I want. I was able to eventually get through to them on those issues... But bringing a guy into my room is always going to be an issue if I'm living under their roof.

Tbh, sometimes I don't realize how strict they are, because I've never known anything else. They are religious, and respect is a HUGE thing in our household.

I do remember him saying that he didn't like that my parents were so strict. ( I had a hard time just having him come over my house) But unfortunately, there is not much I can do except save up and get my own place. I am not in the financial position to do that anytime soon.

Are you still in school? Do you work even part time? I lived with my parents till I was 28 and they were extremely permissive about me having a full social life and having boyfriends stay over, etc.  They loved that I was social and dating and wanting to marry.  Otherwise it wouldn't have worked.  Their house their rules for sure.  If you truly want an adult relationship you'll have to spend all your time at the boyfriend's place and/or start budgeting a lot to move out even with roommates.  Good luck!

[KrazyKat]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Are you still in school? Do you work even part time? I lived with my parents till I was 28 and they were extremely permissive about me having a full social life and having boyfriends stay over, etc.  They loved that I was social and dating and wanting to marry.  Otherwise it wouldn't have worked.  Their house their rules for sure.  If you truly want an adult relationship you'll have to spend all your time at the boyfriend's place and/or start budgeting a lot to move out even with roommates.  Good luck!

That's why I spent so much time at his place lol. Hanging out at my parent’s place wasn't really an option.

Growing up I found that most people’s parents are more permissive. But unfortunately, my parents have more conservative values. I can't really do anything to change that (and believe me, I've tried).

I got out of college about a year ago. I had a job, got fired from it, was unemployed for awhile, and now I just got a new position. So, I'm gonna start saving up again. But it's gonna take a while.

Right now I'm just focusing on starting my career and gaining more job experience.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, KrazyKat said:

That's why I spent so much time at his place lol. Hanging out at my parent’s place wasn't really an option.

Growing up I found that most people’s parents are more permissive. But unfortunately, my parents have more conservative values. I can't really do anything to change that (and believe me, I've tried).

I got out of college about a year ago. I had a job, got fired from it, was unemployed for awhile, and now I just got a new position. So, I'm gonna start saving up again. But it's gonna take a while.

Right now I'm just focusing on starting my career and gaining more job experience.

It's unfair of you to try to change your parents.  Just like once you have your own place it's your house your rules.  Good luck in your new job!

[Tinydance]

37 minutes ago, KrazyKat said:

That's why I spent so much time at his place lol. Hanging out at my parent’s place wasn't really an option.

Growing up I found that most people’s parents are more permissive. But unfortunately, my parents have more conservative values. I can't really do anything to change that (and believe me, I've tried).

I got out of college about a year ago. I had a job, got fired from it, was unemployed for awhile, and now I just got a new position. So, I'm gonna start saving up again. But it's gonna take a while.

Right now I'm just focusing on starting my career and gaining more job experience.

I think moving out with room-mates might be a good option for you because then you could share the expenses. By the way, I wasn't actually saying the only reason to go into your bedroom was to have sex. I just think if you bring a date over, obviously you want to be alone with him and not have your parents hovering around and keeping tabs on you. I just imagine it would be very awkward for you and especially your date who doesn't even know your parents. You should be able to have a conversation alone without your parents listening and things like that. Also if you want to have sex and for example if it's your boyfriend, you should be able to have sex. Obviously you will have no freedom living with your parents.

[Big Stan]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok. They are correct about their house. Your parents aren't the problem. You are being supported by them so they do have a say in what goes on in their house.

The problem is this horndog BF. He's disrespectful to you, your parents and their beliefs. The only reason anyone would send you a video of themselves masturbating is obvious. 

Try to date a better class of men. Sure guys want sex, but he's being immature and disrespectful about it.

What is the respectful way to go about having sex exactly?  It seems to me like he asked, maybe he was a little pushier than he should have been maybe he wasn't. We are only getting one side of the story here and nothing stands out to me as egregious in the way he went about it with exception of sending the unsolicited videos.  

That could just as easily be chalked up to inexperience as it could be to being disgusting.  They were dating a while at that point, and already had done some sexual stuff.  It shouldn't be in the same category as sending someone you've never met or barely know that sort of thing which is rightly seen as disgusting.  

My view is that it's a grey area, and we don't rightly know exactly how the sex stuff went down.  To a virgin his sexual expression could seem extreme even when it isn't. I don't really see too much that points to him being 100% in the wrong here.  Especially with, as others have said, her not even being allowed to be in her room with a guy at 23 years old.  It's clear there is an overprotective dynamic also at play here.  

[Lambert]

I'm sorry you felt used and he was pushing you out of your comfort zone. being inexperienced, maybe you weren't able to hold your boundaries.  but then again, you did. telling him what you're not comfort with. 

Maybe he wasn't honest. Maybe he is weak and wasn't able to say it. 

People in general avoid this kind of conflict and sometimes we expect things from people that they just aren't capable of doing.  it's because of them and where they are in their journey. Not because of you or their feelings for you. 

It's not your fault. New relationships fail all the time because agreeing to be exclusive is not a guarantee of longevity.

Dating is all about getting to know people and see if things click over time.  That you enjoy what's going on, that your needs are being met, that you feel confident,  respected and secure. Those are the signs to look for that things are going well and to keep going. 

It's not to say that it just happens.  It takes time, getting to know the person in many different situations to see how they handle things. 

Even this situation is a learning one.  You told him your needs and he showed you how he handles that. 

So while it hurts and is confusing, it's a good thing.  This guy didn't value you the way you deserve.

So he did you a favor.  hang in there. you'll feel better soon and meet someone else. 💓 💗 💕 💖 

ps... honestly there's no right way to break up with someone.  it sucks no matter what.