KrazyKat

Okay, “victim blaming” may be a strong word. But I just couldn't find any other way to describe it. He saw someone who was inexperienced and naive, and he took advantage of that. That is what should be focused on. Not; “Oh, but what could the naive person have done differently? It's their fault for not seeing the signs.” And yes, I did learn some things from this relationship. I will be more careful from now on. But it doesn't mean I’m at fault for his ***ty behavior. And to the people who are saying “he just might've changed his mind.” We were not just dating, we officially became exclusive. He seemed to be very serious about me. He was introducing me to his family, incorporating me into his friend group, asking to meet my parents. He showed all the signs that he truly wanted to be with me. I just think it's kind of weird to suddenly change your mind after all of that. Not saying it doesn't happen for valid reasons, but considering all the other things he's done... it just brings his motives into question. Sure, he has a right to behave the way he did. But I'm just coming to the realization that his behavior was ***ty. Regardless, thank you guys for helping me realize that he was not as great as I thought he was. I'm going to seek out emotional support from somewhere else. Cause that's really what I need right now more than anything.

I feel like if someone is manipulating and misleading a person, that’s kind of the same thing as tricking someone. Manipulation is a conscious choice. And yeah, I could’ve chose better. I could’ve been better at noticing red flags. But to say I’m at fault for that is kinda… eh, victim blaming. Keep in mind this is my first relationship. I’m inexperienced and he knew that. I was also upfront and honest about the fact that I was a virgin and that I needed patience from him. He knew I wasn’t someone who was into casual sex. I’m starting to realize that he took advantage of my naïveté, and to me, that’s kind of predatory. I don’t know, I’m not saying he was some evil villain, but he’s definitely a bad person. A selfish person.

Thank you very much for the advice. I appreciate it. ☺️ I have been doing pretty much all the things you’ve listed over the past few months. I got a new job that I’m starting next week. I’m taking lots of meds for my depression and OCD. I’m putting an effort into moving on, but my main coping mechanism is to talk to others for support. Unfortunately, people in my life are tired of hearing about him. So I have to bottle it up. You say that he didn’t trick or use me. But then… why would he tell me that he was interested in an actual relationship, only to start pulling away and being disrespectful when he didn’t get sex right away? How could he see me as “just some girl who he wanted to have sex with” while also telling me that he truly liked me and wanted a relationship? Im starting to realize that this wasn’t a great guy. He just had so many surface level qualities that I’m attracted to. And it’s difficult to find that anywhere else. I’m just trying to process everything that happened to me. I just can’t help but feel misled and manipulated. It just feels awful.

A lot of people are saying things along the lines of; “he just wasn't that into you.” I'm guess you're correct. But it makes me feel so awful because that's exactly the problem. The thought that he was into me, and now he's not... or that he was never that into me to begin with. It makes me feel stupid for ever falling for him. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with my personality. And yes, I'm aware that my feelings are irrational for such a short-term relationship... He's the first guy who actually reciprocated my feelings. Here was this guy who I was super attracted to, and he actually liked me back! I was so happy... and then he suddenly lost interest. It's hard not to internalize that. My therapist told me that it seems like I'll never truly get over him until I find someone else. Someone better. So I've been going on these dates because I'm tired of feeling miserable all the time.

I have gone to trusted friends and family. I even have a therapist. But everyone wants me to stop talking about him. Friends and family get annoyed when I bring him up, and try to direct the conversation to something else. I understand why that is, but it's not what I need right now. I still need to talk about it. Cause it still hurts. That is why I'm on this forum. I have to bottle up my emotions around people because they won't want to hear it anymore. To address your other statement; I did NOT ignore the red flag. I immediately called him up and set some boundaries. He agreed but I could tell it bothered him that I wasn't into it. I agreed to meet his family and friends because he made me believe that he was truly into me. I tolerated his behavior because he didn't start acting like that until later on. When I first met him his was sweet, respectful, and charming. So I showed him my body and I let him touch me because I believed he genuinely cared about me. Then he started acting different, and I was already attached.

Why do men do this? He went out of his way to introduce me to his family, introduce me to his friend group, drive me places, express a desire to meet my family.... all for sex. I think you're right, but why?? Why do so many men do this? Why not just get on tinder and just say you want a hookup? I exposed myself to him. I was vulnerable with him. He's the first person who's ever touched me. He's my first kiss. It's such a betrayal and I think part of me just doesn't wanna believe it. I just don't understand going out of your way and pretending to be a boyfriend... just for sex. It's just so selfish and cruel. And I've been feeling just awful for the past few months.

You looking through his phone is nowhere near as appalling as his actions. He took sexual pictures of your neighbor without her consent. That's literally a form of sexual harassment. Definitely confront him about this.

But it’s the lack of perceived compatibility on HIS part. I felt that we were very compatible, and as I was falling for him, he felt the exact opposite. From my perspective, our only problem was that he seemed to want sex quicker than I did. But he was adamant that this wasn't the reason he broke up with me. I'm not sure what to believe. It really hurts because we have a ton of things in common, but he felt like we had not much to talk about. How is that possible?? I was always insecure about my social skills and how people perceived me. Maybe he thought my social skills were bad and he was completely turned off by it. That is my worst fear.

I’m going to sound crazy for this but… we only knew each other for 2 months. And now 4 months have passed and I’m still thinking of him. And I’m aware that it’s not rational. Things got real serious real fast and he asked me to be his girlfriend on the fourth date. He seemed like he was really into me. He let me meet his parents, he incorporated me into his friend group, he texted me constantly.…. …and then he started drifting away. And it was very confusing. He just started to switch up on me. His feelings changed rather quickly. And after he broke up with me, he sent a text explaining why he did it. Apparently, we had “nothing to talk about” and there was a “permeating awkwardness.” It was the exact opposite of how I felt. I felt like he was describing a completely different relationship from the one I was in. He liked me, and then as soon as he got to know me, he didn’t like me. That hurts. He ended the relationship almost as soon as it started. Like there was something about my personality that completely repelled him. I try to move on, and date other guys, but none of these dates are any fun. In fact, they’re draining. But I’m trying my hardest to move on.

I'm 24 years old. Still a virgin. I was in my first relationship a couple months back, but he broke up with me unexpectedly. I was kinda shocked at how determined he was to end it. He just vanished from my life. I don't know why I wasn't enough for him. I've recently tried to put myself back into the dating scene. But every date I go on leaves me feeling hopeless and sad. Everytime I meet a guy from Bumble or Hinge, they are quiet, awkward, not talkative, unfunny... just plain boring. They say not to compare, but it's really hard not to when most guys lack what he had. My ex was a dorky guy who had a lot of nerdy hobbies. It was great because finding someone with similar interests is really hard for me. He was also sweet, and very attentive. But on top of that, he was very handsome, outgoing, and funny. Super funny. He always made me laugh. He had this unique charisma that's hard to find. I had a great time with him... unfortunately he didn't feel the same. I feel like I'll never find another guy with that combination of qualities. Most of the time, my dates are awkward and lead to nothing. I'm so sad.

That's why I spent so much time at his place lol. Hanging out at my parent’s place wasn't really an option. Growing up I found that most people’s parents are more permissive. But unfortunately, my parents have more conservative values. I can't really do anything to change that (and believe me, I've tried). I got out of college about a year ago. I had a job, got fired from it, was unemployed for awhile, and now I just got a new position. So, I'm gonna start saving up again. But it's gonna take a while. Right now I'm just focusing on starting my career and gaining more job experience.

I think I get what you're saying. My parents are very strict, but if I talk to them about it, they always say that it's their house and their rules. I've had to argue back in fourth with them about the clothes I wear, and staying out as late as I want. I was able to eventually get through to them on those issues... But bringing a guy into my room is always going to be an issue if I'm living under their roof. Tbh, sometimes I don't realize how strict they are, because I've never known anything else. They are religious, and respect is a HUGE thing in our household. I do remember him saying that he didn't like that my parents were so strict. ( I had a hard time just having him come over my house) But unfortunately, there is not much I can do except save up and get my own place. I am not in the financial position to do that anytime soon.

I think you're right. I just wish he was mature enough to be honest with me from the start. This kind of confusion triggers my OCD and I kept rolling it around in my head for awhile. I'm 23 and he's 22 by the way. It takes me longer to get over things than most people. But I’m trying my best to move forward.

I need some closure on this because it's weighing on me. Met this guy and we've been seeing each other for about two months. He was very persistent and attentive. Always texting me multiple times every day and asking when I'm free. He was very funny and outgoing. We bonded over our shared interests in so many things. Superhero movies, Sci-Fi, Dungeons and Dragons, Magic the Gathering, anime, cartoons, the world of art, and our creative endeavors. We had a ***ton of things in common, and that is rare for me to find. Things were going very fast between us. We would meet up very frequently, so the relationship felt longer than it actually was. When we finally made things official, we started doing more sexual stuff together, without going all the way. It's important to note that I'm a virgin. Never been touched before him. It was also my very first relationship so I was a bit nervous about it all. He, on the other hand, was a bit more experienced, from what I could tell. Once we officially got together, he became extremely obsessed with my body. Still, we did other things like go to the museum and what not. But he told me that he was going through financial issues, so we hung out at his house more often. I met his parents. (he lives with them) And he introduced me to his friends. He also expressed a desire to meet my parents. But I noticed every time we did something sexual together, he would stop texting me as often the next day. He still made a point to text me every day, but it became noticeably less frequent. Over time, he started texting me less and less. He said this was because he was working overtime at his job. But I noticed that he still made time for his friends. One morning, he sent me a bunch of dirty text messages. And a video of himself jacking off. I called him and politely told him that I'm not ready for sexting just yet. I also asked if he would give me more attention the next day, after being intimate with him. (we weren't having actual sex just yet, but we were working our way up to that) There was a long awkward silence on his end. But then he agreed. After that, his texting became even more sparse. Our last date together was over my parents house. My parents are very strict, so we weren't allowed to go in my room. Instead, we were in the living room watching movies. I tried to talk to him about the things we were watching. But he seemed kinda out of it. He wasn't talking as much as usual. (I assumed at the time that it was because of work stress) He also seemed more interested in touching me and fondling me. I would've been alright with that... If we weren't at my parent’s house. Especially In the living room where they could walk in at any second. But he kept persisting on touching me and eventually, I just let him. for the next week, he would text me much less frequently than he did in the beginning. At the end of the week, he called me and said he “didn't have the time or energy for a relationship.” He asked to just be friends. At this point I didn't believe him. I told him that I felt used, and I hung up on him. I then sent him a long text message telling him that I felt led on, used, and mistreated. I told him that I believed he broke up with me because he wanted sex quicker and easier. A few days later, I got a long message from him. It basically stated that the sex part wasn't the main reason he broke up with me. The main reason is that “we didn't have much to talk about.” He said that we didn't vibe well together and that there was a permeating awkwardness to it all. He apologized for everything and said that he was trying to find any reason to stay with me. That's apparently why he was so eager to get physical at my parents. He cited “social anxiety” as a reason for the breakup. But it was very vaguely worded. I couldn't figure out if he was talking about my anxiety or his own. To me it didn't make sense because we have a ton of stuff in common. I also don't remember having nothing to talk about with him. We spent entire days together, just walking and chatting and having a great time. Idk if I'm delusional or what. Still I decided to reach out one more time and apologize. Our communication ended there. To be frank, I'm not sure what to believe. I have OCD so I've been rolling this around in my head for a while now. I still have all these lingering questions. And I sometimes think that I unintentionally did something to repel him. I feel like it's my fault. Please help me make sense of this!