Boyfriend lied to me

[Hollsmaur]

I have known my boyfriend for 2 years and we were best friends for all that time before becoming boyfriend and girlfriend 3 months ago. He’s seen me through all my good and all my bad times, knows everything about me. I have been honest with him with things I’m ashamed of and I really put my trust in him. About a year and half ago, he told me he was in an abusive relationship, his ex would apparently hit him, and he said he was even raped by her (without going into too much detail, he said she had penetrated him e.g peg). I had been in a mentally unstable/abusive relationship myself before and felt so awful for him, I couldn’t get it out of my head for months and offered him my support. He mentioned it again a few times after, and I made sure I was really careful of his feelings whilst we got intimate. However, yesterday we were having a conversation and said ex came into it, but the story of him being abused had changed.. I went along with it to see if the story kept changing which it did. He said his ex forced herself on him when he said he didn’t want to have sex, and forced his penis into her, he never mentioned being pegged without consent. I went on to ask him if that’s all that happened, and he said yes. It was almost as if for a second he’d forgot he’d ever told me about it. I then asked him about whether she’d pegged with no consent, and he then told me she did peg him but he said yes to it. I called him out on calling it rape before and he started stuttering and eye contact went out of the window, saying it might have been rape it might not have been.. so he carried on lying to me until I finally got him to admit that he’d lied about the pegging all together. I’m now questioning why he would lie about it and what else could he have lied about?  This isn’t the first lie I’ve caught him out on, he’s done a few white lies in the past. Back then he told me he wouldn’t lie to me again but now I’ve just found this out. He says he was abused and raped but just wasn’t how he originally said, and it’s quite a serious thing and I’m not accusing him of making the whole situation up altogether but then again how do I know he hasn’t lied about the whole thing? I can’t trust him and I’m not sure how I can move on from this. What would you do?

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Hollsmaur said:

 I can’t trust him and I’m not sure how I can move on from this. What would you do?

You've only been dating 12 weeks, and already there are trust issues. And you're questioning his stories about being a victim.

He seems to have significant mental health issues that are better discussed with his therapist.

Step far away from this. He seems to confabulate all sorts of stories in order to create drama and manipulate situations.

When in fact if any of this did happen, he should be confiding in a therapist, not telling you different variations of this alleged abuse.

 

[Jibralta]

I agree with Wiseman.

You were smart for following your gut and drawing the story out of him some more. 

Being a great 'bestie' doesn't automatically make this guy a good relationship partner. I'd dial it back to friendship if I were you. If that isn't an option, I'd just call it quits altogether. 

[Kwothe28]

There are people who would invent stuff for attention. I had an aquitance that told me the same story 3 times, all 3 times differently. The story was how some woman threw hot coffee at him. But once it was at his home and was turkish coffee, next time it was at her home and was NesCafe, and 3rd time it was at faculty lounge and it was an espresso. Literally every time he would told the story it was different. He, unsuprisingly, became a politician later lol

Anyway, liars dont change their MO. Maybe the event happened, maybe it didnt(for example the aquitance really had the burn from hot coffee so something did happen) but you would never know what and how. Maybe he enjoyed being a submissive one, maybe he just wants attention from you so invents a sad story to make you feel pity on him, nobody knows. Because liars lie all the time. You say it wasnt the first time and it certanly wouldnt be the last. So yes, you cant trust a liar because he showed you that you cant. And for a good reason, because he is a liar.

[MissCanuck]

I would not continue a relationship with someone who has trouble with lying about such a significant issue. 

He is making a very serious false allegation against his ex. Perhaps he is  ashamed to admit that he enjoys anal penetration but claiming it was rape (when he later confessed that it wasn’t) is a huge red flag that would be a dealbreaker for me. 

 

[Hollsmaur]

53 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

There are people who would invent stuff for attention. I had an aquitance that told me the same story 3 times, all 3 times differently. The story was how some woman threw hot coffee at him. But once it was at his home and was turkish coffee, next time it was at her home and was NesCafe, and 3rd time it was at faculty lounge and it was an espresso. Literally every time he would told the story it was different. He, unsuprisingly, became a politician later lol

Anyway, liars dont change their MO. Maybe the event happened, maybe it didnt(for example the aquitance really had the burn from hot coffee so something did happen) but you would never know what and how. Maybe he enjoyed being a submissive one, maybe he just wants attention from you so invents a sad story to make you feel pity on him, nobody knows. Because liars lie all the time. You say it wasnt the first time and it certanly wouldnt be the last. So yes, you cant trust a liar because he showed you that you cant. And for a good reason, because he is a liar.

I feel like this could well be the case if I look back on the things he’s lied about before. Or I feel he’ll lie to stop himself looking/feeling an idiot in front of me. I had it out with him and told him I don’t like liars, like no matter what the lie is if it’s that easy to lie to me then it’s not healthy. It’s a really sensitive topic and I don’t want to say he’s not a victim of abuse because like you say I’ll never actually know the real truth, but my minds boggled on how he could still add a lie about a situation, continue that lie on for months and months and then still lie to my face even when I accuse him of lying to me to then only admitting it when he has nothing else to get out of it. He doesn’t quite understand how his lie has effected me. He knows I’m an overthinker at the best of times. I fear I may just be over analysing and second guessing most things he says now.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Hollsmaur said:

I feel like this could well be the case if I look back on the things he’s lied about before. Or I feel he’ll lie to stop himself looking/feeling an idiot in front of me. I had it out with him and told him I don’t like liars, like no matter what the lie is if it’s that easy to lie to me then it’s not healthy. It’s a really sensitive topic and I don’t want to say he’s not a victim of abuse because like you say I’ll never actually know the real truth, but my minds boggled on how he could still add a lie about a situation, continue that lie on for months and months and then still lie to my face even when I accuse him of lying to me to then only admitting it when he has nothing else to get out of it. He doesn’t quite understand how his lie has effected me. He knows I’m an overthinker at the best of times. I fear I may just be over analysing and second guessing most things he says now.

Sounds like he has different values than you about lying and honesty. 

[Andrina]

Repetitive, numerous conversations over several years about this same subject. Sounds mentally draining. I don't know why you ever found this relationship satisfying.  If a person can't get rid of emotional baggage or is lying for attention, they are dating material. Dating is supposed to be about having fun together, but of course there will be times of regular life stressors.   Learn the difference between normal, inevitable stressors versus stressors people create because they are toxic. 

[Cherylyn]

Regarding lies,  it's unforgivable to be lied to and unforgivable to be falsely accused of lying.  Both are major deal breakers in all relationships.  It's over.  Finito.  Done. 

[MissCanuck]

Imagine that lies he might make up about you when you break up. 

I bet his ex has no idea he's calling her a rapist. There is something no right with this guy. Please, get away from him. 

[Big Stan]

Yeah anyone who would lie about something as severe as being raped is not the sort of person you want to be involved with. Little white lies to make himself look good where he stretches the truth a bit aren’t great but you can get over it if you still like the guy. 
 

Lying about severe emotional trauma is never good. I’ve dated a few women like this guy. Chances are high he will be telling his next ex the same stories but about you as the villain this time.