I need your opinion on my boyfriend's behavior, can you help to understand the situation?

[Shadeeee]

OK so here is the situation, me and my boyfriend have been dating for over 4 years now and this is our first relationship for both of us, however he refuses to have sex with me. We've already done the preliminaries for him.

 

He doesn't want to touch me. He is not at all religious, he has no traumas. He is not against doing sexual activities. He just doesn't want to touch me and refuses to have sex.

 

I've already tried to talk about it with him. His answer is simple. He has a mental block that prevents him from having sex with me or touching me.

 

I admit that I have already thought about the fact that he is potentially gay, it annoyed him and he took it very badly.

 

Honestly I don't know what to think about it, is it me focusing on it and in the end he just needs more time or there's something wrong. I would like your opinion on the situation.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read me. Good day to you ☺ 

[spinstermanquee]

Hi Shadeeee, sorry you are in this situation.  Just b/c a guy doesn't want to have sex with you doesn't mean he's gay.  It just means (if you want it) that you are incompatible.  I would release this fish back into the water to find a better mate... and you can stop worrying about "why" and what HE wants so you can do your own thing and find someone who more closely aligns with what YOU want.

[boltnrun]

Presume he will never have sex with you. Ever.

Are you interested in staying with him for sixty years knowing you will never experience sex?

I'm not asking you if you love him or if he's a good person or if you two get along well in all other ways. I'm asking if you are willing to live a completely sex free life, only servicing him and never receiving. 

[catfeeder]

I wouldn't consider this my mystery to solve--or my problem. I'd respectfully tell BF that as much as I love him, I'm not willing to sacrifice my own needs for affection and a desire to become sexual with my partner. He's welcome to contact me if he ever feels the same, and if I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

The only thing worse than spending 4 years with someone who is incompatible would be to spend 4 years plus another day.

Head high, this isn't about you. He's just not right for you.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Shadeeee said:

. He has a mental block that prevents him from having sex with me or touching me.

How old is he? Do you both work? Go to school? Live with parents? 

Unfortunately he seems quite cold and not ready willing or able to maintain a relationship.  

You don't have to waste your youth on an iceberg. In the long run being shut off from the normal affection and intimacy in a relationship is not good for you.

You don't need to try to fix or change him. Whatever his problem is, is his problem to address.

Reflect and consider setting yourself free from this.  Be honest. Tell him you're not a match. 

[MissCanuck]

After 4 years of this, I would see myself out. 

You've tried. He just doesn't want what you want. There is no sense wasting more time on this when you could have a mutually-fulfilling relationship with someone who is comfortable with (and desires) intimacy and sex. 

This guy isn't him. 

[Kwothe28]

Maybe he is asexual. Though he does say that he is not against sexual activities. And that he specifically just doesnt want or cant have sex with you. What is the mental block? Is it that he doesnt like you physically? Because it seems pretty weird that he just doesnt want to do it.

Anyway, I agree with others. You shouldnt stay there if you are both just not compatible sexually.

[reinventmyself]

If you ever catch yourself investing your heart and time into someone hoping they will become someone different. . then you are in the wrong place. Period.

4 years is plenty.  Make it simple and consider this a mismatch.

[Tinydance]

When we say he needs more time, how long are we talking? 10 - 20 years? Lol I think four years is more than enough time. If he actually was religious or more traditional and wanted to  wait for sex in marriage, that would be different. Or if he had been through trauma and abuse, as you said.

Considering there's no particular reason and it's a "mental block", he has to actually let you know what that block is and he has to work on it. Most likely do therapy to get past it. I'm not sure if the mental block may be that he's asexual and he just can't explain what it is. 

In any case, being intimate in a relationship is very normal and if he's not interested in that, I think you would be better off to find someone else.

[Andrina]

You've been way more patient than you should've been for your own good. The beginning stages are when you vette a partner to see if they meet your needs in every major way, and if they don't, it's the time to cut bait.

Your goal should not be to understand, because he hasn't revealed to you why he doesn't do what you desire. You don't know the combination to his safe, so you'll never know. But it's irrelevant. The only thing you need to know is that you're living a dissatisfying life, even if he has some good qualities.

Most young people have many relationships before discovering who their person is. Exit your first relationship to be free to find someone who will match you in every important way.