Please help

[Irishlady]

Hi don’t know what to do or where to turn but any advice from anyone would be appreciated, I’ve been dating a guy for a while now when it’s sober he’s the nicest guy ever he’d do anything for me and loves me so much the problem is that he has an alcohol addiction and when he drinks he becomes so abusive and nasty he calls me the nastiest names he puts holes my walls has damaged furniture and has even hurt me physically this can go on for three or four days then when he sobers up he remembers nothing I tell him what he’s done when he sees the bruises on my body he cries and says he’s so sorry that he wants help I know he’s trying to get help but it seems no one will help we both love each other but I can’t put up with this I’m scared he’s going to drink put can somebody give me some advice thank you 

[Batya33]

Yes. Love is not enough. Make sure never to see this person again alone including in one of your homes. He’s dangerous and abusive. He chooses to drink and chooses the consequences.  He needs to get help and you need to get away from him. Given his assault of you and damage to your property let him get help all on his own. Call the police if he tries to enter your home. I’m sorry you’ve been victimized in this way. This is not healthy and you’re lucky you haven’t landed in a hospital. It doesn’t matter whether he remembers or not. 

[Jaunty]

Please get help, there are hot lines for women in abusive situations.  Also look into something like Al-anon.  Try to take care of yourself.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Irishlady said:

 when he drinks he becomes so abusive and nasty he calls me the nastiest names he puts holes my walls has damaged furniture and has even hurt me physically this can go on for three or four days k

 How long have you been dating? Please seek help for abusive relationships. He's not "the nicest guy", he's an abuser. 

Talk to trusted friends and family. Be honest about the abuse. Reach out to domestic violence hotlines for information, support and help.

You need to extricate yourself from this dangerous situation asap.

[SooSad33]

What's 'a while'?

I can tell you now, NOTHING good will come of this!  you get out of it, for your own good.

I was involved with an alcy and of course, it ended. ( and it was nowhere near to what you're experiencing!).

Save yourself.. you know it's wrong, the abuse & his supposed ' black out drunk moments'.

 

[1a1a]

The drunken violence is part of the package of seeing this guy. I think being alone would be better and hope you drop him like he’s a spiky hedgehog curled up in a tight ball that injures you every time it comes near you.

[gamon]

Install 3/4" exterior grade paneling on your walls. Then put sheetrock on top of it.

 

[boltnrun]

Well, dating violence isn't funny.

Please stop seeing this man immediately. If he contacts you, tell him to stop and then block his number. If he shows up at your home, call the police.

He is an addict. He needs professional help, but it's not up to you to try to force him to get it. 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Irishlady said:

I know he’s trying to get help but it seems no one will help

Malarkey. Either he's not trying hard enough, or he's tapping the wrong resources. 

But either way, you need to get out and away from him forever. He is going to seriously hurt you one of these days. Do you have family or friends nearby you can stay with?

[Kwothe28]

What you experience is a cycle of abuse. Abuser does the abuse, then apologizes and says he wont do it again. until next time when he does it. Then apologizes and says he wont do it again etc. Its a nasty cycle abusers do as long as you are willing to tolerate their nasty behavior. If he has an alcohol problem he should go to rehab, AA, whatever service is available and treat it. Not take it out on your property and even worst, you. You, on the orther hand, need to get away from the abuser. With any means necessary. That means to stop seeing him and stop contact. And if he ever tries something again, call police. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Irishlady said:

 I’ve been dating a guy for a while now .he puts holes my walls has damaged furniture and has even hurt me physically this can go on for three or four days 

It seems like you know what to do. You mentioned "seeing him for a while" how long have you been dating? Hopefully you're not living together.

If it's your home you call the police and have him removed.  If you share a place, same thing. Call the police so they can take him to the ER. Why is he there for three or four days on a destructive rampage? Please stop telling yourself he's a nice guy when he's beating you up and destroying your house.

[smackie9]

You shouldn't see him anymore. He's a grown man and he hasn't attempted to seek help at all. Help IS available 24-7 to anyone free through Al-anon or AA. So he just blowing smoke up yer butt that he can't get help. Treatment/counseling doesn't work well when one is in a romantic relationship because it can trigger their drinking. They have to stand on their own two feet and get support from a sponsor, someone who has been through the program. 

Next work on your self worth. You can do better than this. Stop trying to be a fixer, that's very unhealthy. 

[Siofra123]

Sorry that this is happening to you. I know you love him, but as another poster said, love is not enough. This seems to me like a toxic relationship, and what he is doing is enough for him to end up in court and be prosecuted, it’s very serious. You need to get away. You can try to get him help for his addiction, but you can’t fix his addiction. If he doesn’t seek out help, then this will just continue and one day it could end in a more serious physical injury for you. Nothing is worth this type of torture. Why don’t you speak to a counselor and tell them your story? 

[SB78]

Rehab and AA don't have very high success rates unfortunately. Please keep this in mind when making your decisions. I know how hard it is to leave someone when you're in love, but trust me, there is someone better out there, ready to love you without the abuse. 

Clearly this man has suffered himself a lot in his life for drinking this heavily, but unfortunately you cannot fix him. Whatever issues he has, he has to deal with on his own, and he needs to find motivation within himself to deal with his alcoholism for him, for his well-being. He is in a place where he needs to take care of his mental health which causes his drinking problem. Perhaps deep down he is not a bad person, but he is definitely a damaged one. 

Walking away at this point is unfortunately the only safe things to do, both for your physical and mental health. If in the future you've heard from friends and family that he has turned his life around, and dealt with his issues, and if in this future you still have feelings for him, you can always cautiously go for a coffee with him and see for yourself. 

But trust me, I know this from personal experience, no matter how attached you think you are to someone, and no matter how hard it seems in the moment to leave that person, if the person you're with does not make you happy, it is always better to leave. You will find love again, and in the meantime, you will find yourself. 

[Sculptor]

It sounds like he has a low opinion of himself.  This is something that can change over time but it's not guaranteed to change.   And even if he does learn to increase his self respect it's a long process. 

Poor guy.  I feel bad for him but it's not really ok for him to be getting into relationships when he's in this state.

Maybe there's a way to support him without being too close??