Is it me?

[Whatnow1983]

Hello, 

I'm not really sure where to start so I'll jump straight to the question as I don't know if it's me or not 

My partner and I have 2 young children. He met a woman a year or so ago I was extremely suspicious of them. Just my gut 

This morning she was here and he got some ice cream out and had some, then fed her some with a spoon. Not just once either, but 4 or 5 times 

And I'm sitting there thinking what the hell. Is it me or is that a really intimate behaviour? Or at least showing attraction or a level of comfort that shouldn't be there? 

I don't know if it's me so before I say something I thought I'd ask for some help 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Whatnow1983 said:

 My partner and I have 2 young children.  he got some ice cream out and had some, then fed her some with a spoon. 

Sorry this is happening.  How is your relationship overall?

Who is this woman and why is she in your house?  If they are doing lovey-dovey nonsense in your home, it may be time to have some frank discussions with him.

[poorlittlefish]

In my opinion, that's inappropriate behaviour from someone who's in a relationship.  How did he meet this woman and is he spending one-on-one time with her or are you always around too?  If he's doing that when this woman is right in front of you, I hate to think what's happening when you're not there.  I've never fed a male friend anything, off a spoon or otherwise.

[Whatnow1983]

She's someone he met through work though they don't work together anymore. We've fought about her before and we were going through a bad patch, mainly down to me if I'm honest. He sees her occasionally now as far as I'm aware, but we've just had another baby nearly 3 months ago. I thought the baby would help us get back on track and it seemed to. 

 

He says he doesn't have feelings for her and nothing is going on and I think he believes he believes that or that he's convincing himself of it. But she's been here for 4 hours and they're just chatting away with me joining in. She's not ignoring me or anything but I was uncomfortable when she arrived as I haven't been around her in a long time 

I just didn't know if that seems 'lovey dovey' as you say, to other people? 

[Whatnow1983]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening.  How is your relationship overall?

Who is this woman and why is she in your house?  If they are doing lovey-dovey nonsense in your home, it may be time to have some frank discussions with him.

He wanted her to meet the baby. They haven't seen each other in a little while 

 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Whatnow1983 said:

 she's been here for 4 hours and they're just chatting away with me joining in. 

Ask her to leave. It's your house and your child. Clearly your instincts are intact that they shouldn't be  sitting around for hours spoon-feeding each other like lovers. 

As far as having a newborn and rough patches, discuss couples counseling with him to help affirm boundaries.

[Whatnow1983]

Oh the rough patch was for a year after our first. He made it clear how unhappy he was so I suggested another baby to make things better 

She's not fed him, she was actually playing with out first child while he was feeding her

I think what makes me uncomfortable is that he's different around her, he looks happier and laughs more

I'm not being crazy with the inappropriateness of the ice cream thing though, right? 

 

Thank you for replying, I feel kinda lonely right now 

[MissCanuck]

39 minutes ago, Whatnow1983 said:

He made it clear how unhappy he was so I suggested another baby to make things better 

A baby is not and should never be treated as the Band-Aid to a broken relationship. That's not fair to a child and if anything, the stress of adding another life to a failing union is likely to amplify the problems rather than make them go away. 

Anyway, ask her to leave. Your boyfriend was out of line asking her to come over, and spoon-feeding her? Nah. That's flirting and they both know it. Tell her it's time to pack it in and the visit is over - and sit down with yourself to ask what the future of this partnership really is. Your boyfriend is behaving in appropriately and seems checked out. 

[Batya33]

Completely inappropriate unless the woman is a family member.  Reminds me of when I was pregnant (but not visibly so) and husband and I were at a wedding -we were not yet married -meaning he wasn't wearing a wedding ring.  Because of my pregnancy I took longer in the restroom (not sick, just uncomfortable). 

So by the time I came out he was swing dancing with a woman I didn't know.  There were many swing and salsa dancers at this wedding as that's how bride and groom had met.  

I sat down and he saw me and came over.  Turns out she was pushy.  She asked him to dance -he said -no thanks my girlfriend will be back soon.  She said that swing dancing is always about switching partners (true -in a swing dancing event not at a darn wedding)- he felt pressured because she was a friend of the brides.

I didn't by accident/on purpose bump into her the rest of the time on the dance floor (of course I wanted to) but I stared at her and made it known that what she'd done was not ok.  Yes I trusted my husband, yes I understood his reasoning and it was ok.  Had he kept dancing with her or socialized with her after I would not have been ok.  Maybe someone else would have -who cares.  Figure out what you are ok with. Your husband sounds like he's crossing lines all over the place and she sounds like she has the hots for him.  Not cool.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Whatnow1983 said:

, she was actually playing with out first child while he was feeding her.

They're acting like a couple. Hopefully marriage therapy could help, but if you allow this nonsense in your home, perhaps ask yourself why. 

[Whatnow1983]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

They're acting like a couple. Hopefully marriage therapy could help, but if you allow this nonsense in your home, perhaps ask yourself why. 

What do you mean, ask myself why? 

I know he's seeing a therapist on his own. 

I think it helps having the validation that I'm not crazy thinking what the heck at that happening. Would that make you think he's either cheating on me or wants to with her? 

[Andrina]

Apparently, you two never had discussions about relationship rules, as far as opposite gender friendships go. That's too bad, as those sorts of things should be discussed when deciding to become exclusive, as it won't work when a couple has opposite view on that topic.

It's not like she is some lifelong buddy from high school. In the span of time, he hasn't known her long, so it shouldn't be a big sacrifice to release her from his life when his friendship with her upsets you.

If you didn't have children together, I'd say the best option would be to divorce. But since kids are involved, I'd make a last ditch attempt with marriage counseling. If he refuses, and he ignores the relationship rules you can bring up, of what you're comfortable with, then sadly, it won't be in your best interest to stay.

Kids are a joy, but they also are a source of stress, and a couple has to have a strong foundation to be better able to handle the stress. Sorry you're learning some hard life lessons. Take care and keep us updated.

[Whatnow1983]

We have and I have friends of both sexes and he's got very few friends anyway. He moved here to move in with me, we've been together nearly 5 years, he's known her probably just around 2, I did the math wrong. 

I was suspicious at first as he kept talking about her and doing a lot with her and I eventually met her and she was perfectly nice if a little uncomfortable. I guess I don't know what he's said about us

But then last year things seemed better after I changed, I take responsibility for me making no effort and not taking him saying how unhappy he was seriously 

 

Then I've been fine up until today seeing that. She was here 5 hours 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Whatnow1983 said:

Then I've been fine up until today seeing that. She was here 5 hours 

And have you told him that you were uncomfortable with her in your home, watching him spoon-feed her?

He seems to still have feelings for her. 

[Whatnow1983]

I wasn't, as he said he hadn't seen her in a while and as he works from home and so do I, I believed him. And he said that they were just friends catching up. I have my friends here now so I've not said anything to him yet

Does that definitely suggest feelings to you? 

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

And have you told him that you were uncomfortable with her in your home, watching him spoon-feed her?

He seems to still have feelings for her. 

I wasn't, as he said he hadn't seen her in a while and as he works from home and so do I, I believed him. And he said that they were just friends catching up. I have my friends here now so I've not said anything to him yet

 

Does that definitely suggest feelings to you? 

[Whatnow1983]

I don't know how I did that twice. Sorry

 

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, Whatnow1983 said:

Does that definitely suggest feelings to you? 

Yes. I'm sorry. He clearly likes her in a way that isn't just friendly. 

 

[Whatnow1983]

Even if he did it in front of me? I think part of me is hoping it meant nothing as I was there... But then it's still such an odd thing to do. It definitely felt more loving than a lust thing? Like he did it without thinking 

[MissCanuck]

I don't know how many different ways you can ask the same question, OP. My answer isn't going to change. 

 

[boltnrun]

He was demonstrating he doesn't care how you felt about witnessing their intimacy.

[gamon]

Did she lick the ice cream off the spoon?

If so this could indicate a problem.

[Whatnow1983]

Yes, she ate the ice cream off the spoon every time he did it while continuing to play with our child 

[gamon]

21 minutes ago, Whatnow1983 said:

Yes, she ate the ice cream off the spoon every time he did it while continuing to play with our child 

The question was specifically in regard to the use of tongue.

We already know that she ate the ice cream. It's more a matter of how she ate the ice cream.

 

[Whatnow1983]

Just normally? He put it in her mouth and she closed her mouth. I'm not saying she did it in some weird sexual way, even under the circumstances that would have been ridiculous while playing with a toddler. It's more the closeness rather than an overt sexual gesture 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Whatnow1983 said:

. We've fought about her before. He Says he doesn't have feelings for her and nothing is going on 

Would he spoonfeed a male coworker/friend this way? Their relationship has been an issue for quite a while. Have you told him it's inappropriate?