Is it me?

[Whatnow1983]

I do keep saying he doesn't gaslight me and isn't abusive in the slightest. He doesn't try and make me feel crazy or anything. He told me when he was seeing her, I just didn't like it and also as I said, wasn't being very nice to him at the time. If anything, he's afraid of leaving because of him being afraid to lose our children after I made some awful threats before. So I have to take responsibility too

 

I'm not defending his behaviour with her yesterday but I don't want it to seem like I'm desperate to stay with some awful man. I will suggest counselling again 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Whatnow1983 said:

do keep saying he doesn't gaslight me and isn't abusive in the slightest. He doesn't try and make me feel crazy or anything. He told me when he was seeing her, I just didn't like it and also as I said, wasn't being very nice to him at the time. If anything, he's afraid of leaving because of him being afraid to lose our children after I made some awful threats before. So I have to take responsibility too

So if you're not nice to him it's ok for him to react by hanging with other women? You're good with him sticking around because of child custody? Do you both not want marriage or is that a point of conflict?

[Whatnow1983]

He proposed because I wanted him to. He's never wanted to get married. 

No, his behaviour is not ok. I just meant he's not some gaslighting monster making out I'm crazy. If he was, I wouldn't be so confused or torn right now

I'm going to bring up counselling 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Whatnow1983 said:

He proposed because I wanted him to. He's never wanted to get married. 

No, his behaviour is not ok. I just meant he's not some gaslighting monster making out I'm crazy. If he was, I wouldn't be so confused or torn right now

I'm going to bring up counselling 

So - unless it's abuse you're confused? Just get clear with yourself on your standards for a healthy, happy relationship.  No one here has said he's a gaslighting monster. Why would they? But it sounds like your standard is -if he were it would be a simple decision but if he is not abusing you and there because he's too scared to leave and proposed out of obligation and doesn't want to marry (you) then whether to leave is confusing. 

If you go to counseling I would think a good counselor would want to know what your expectations are.  

[Tinydance]

Look I know it's probably very hard to accept.  But if you're keeping your partner there by threats that he could lose his children, otherwise he might leave, this is really not good. If he only married you because you wanted him to, that's actually not good. If he's only with you for the kids, that's the wrong reason. I think you need to realise that as much as it hurts but he needs to WANT to be with you. You shouldn't be making someone stay with you by threats. And you shouldn't even really be constantly confronting him about his friend in the sense that the only reason he's not dating her is because you're pulling him back and watching him all the time.

What I'm trying to say is that it's not a happy relationship if one person doesn't want to be in it. You could make him get rid of the friend but she's not the actual issue. If he's checking out of the relationship he'll find a new woman. He's looking elsewhere and you can get rid of the women but he'll keep looking because he WANTS to.

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

If he only married you because you wanted him to, that's actually not good. If he's only with you for the kids, that's the wrong reason.

She said they are not married but he proposed marriage because she wanted him to propose.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Whatnow1983 said:

I'm going to bring up counselling 

This is a great idea. He stated he was interested in the past. It could help get the dialogue going to unpack and sort things out. Especially with another child on the way, better communication would ease some stress.

[catfeeder]

 

14 hours ago, Whatnow1983 said:

He suggested therapy and I didn't want to go. I just want everything to be fine again 

14 hours ago, Whatnow1983 said:

I don't think he'd be honest so what's the point? Really asking. 

Honest about what, exactly? His unhappiness? You already know about that. His attraction to the woman friend? You already know about that. So decide what nailing him to the wall about those points of 'honesty' would accomplish, when the real goal of counseling is not to view one another as adversaries in order to extract confessions and cast blame.

Do you want to be partners on the same side, or not?

Working with a trained professional buys you some guardrails for conversations where the goal is to each learn enough about the other to both become better partners.

This means keeping an open mind to observe what you can actually learn from partner. You're not mute in this process--if you believe that partner is not being honest, then you'll have a framework for raising it in front of someone who can help you negotiate that.

But be cognizant of your goals. If it's to hurt yourself by extracting some disloyalty confession from partner, then decide what you believe it will buy you--and if that's how you want to spend your investment. 

 

[Graystation108]

On 4/8/2023 at 6:33 PM, Whatnow1983 said:

I suggested another baby to make things better

Having a baby does not make things go away. It brings out the problem even more.

Disclaimer: I'm not a parent nor do I ever want kids, but I know from witnessing friends and family members that having a baby makes the problem even more obvious. I don't know the full story of your husband and former colleague so I'm not going to jump the gun and say he's cheating, but what he's doing is 150% inappropriate. I'm in a committed relationship and have quite a few male friends, NEVER ever would I feed them, go to their house alone or whatever your husband's doing. So to sum it up, it's not just you, I think we all see the problem here. You need to have a firm talk with your husband that you are uncomfortable with his actions and her being around, and boundaries need to be set. If he doesn't even acknowledge your concerns and keeps doing, I would seriously consider if this marriage is worth staying in (big no in my opinion). Say if he does keep seeing her and acting like this, don't try to stay for the kids. 1) Kids aren't stupid, they can tell from their parents' body language that something is up. This puts them in a lot of stress without even realizing it 2) This will teach them that it's ok for them to be disrespected or cheated on by their future partner, because from their perspective "If mommy's not leaving daddy even though daddy is close with someone else, that means this is normal behavior right?". A parent should always set an example for their kids with their actions and not their words

I hope things work out and your husband stops this bull*** and things can go back to normal, but if not, give yourself and your kids the respect you guys deserve by leaving. You and the kids deserve better