Girlfriend just told me she has genital herpes after one year

[basscheck]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year now and she just disclosed she's had genital herpes the whole time. Only disclosed because she was having an outbreak and didn't want to infect me. We've always used condoms (except for oral) and unfortunately hadn't talked about our sexual statuses before this. I would have expected to have been told before we ever had sex about this, but she was under the impression she only had to bring it up when an outbreak was going on to stay safe. Other than this, things were going great. Not really sure what to do from here. I'm a mixed bag of emotions right now

[boltnrun]

Would it be the end of the relationship for you if you do contract herpes?

Yes, she should have told you. She knows she can pass it along through asymptomatic shedding. That happens when an outbreak doesn't result in actual sores. And she knows this because her doctor would have told her when she was diagnosed.

I'm sorry she chose not to tell you. She was likely fearful you would leave her if she told you, but that's no excuse.

If you see this as a potential lifelong relationship it may not be as crucial as if this was just a casual or short term relationship. You'll just need to keep an eye on your health and notify one another whenever there's an outbreak.

The fact that she hid it from you is a separate issue. How do you feel about that? Does it make you distrust her? 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, basscheck said:

. Only disclosed because she was having an outbreak and didn't want to infect me. 

Sorry this happened. The first step is to get checked out at a clinic/physician. After that talk things out about trust and disclosure.

[basscheck]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Would it be the end of the relationship for you if you do contract herpes?

Yes, she should have told you. She knows she can pass it along through asymptomatic shedding. That happens when an outbreak doesn't result in actual sores. And she knows this because her doctor would have told her when she was diagnosed.

I'm sorry she chose not to tell you. She was likely fearful you would leave her if she told you, but that's no excuse.

If you see this as a potential lifelong relationship it may not be as crucial as if this was just a casual or short term relationship. You'll just need to keep an eye on your health and notify one another whenever there's an outbreak.

The fact that she hid it from you is a separate issue. How do you feel about that? Does it make you distrust her? 

You ask some great questions. I'm not really sure how I feel about contracting herpes. If the relationship lasts for life then it's not really a huge deal. If not, then I do think it would be harder to have relationships in the future which would be a major impact to my life.

I am definitely bothered by the fact that I wasn't told upfront. When we first talked about it she said she didn't plan to disclose it to her future partners because she felt condoms were enough to keep us safe. After talking with her about removing my ability to consent to the risk, she thought on it for awhile and came back with a heartfelt apology and promising she'd never do it again. I feel like it's possible to trust here again, but it's really hard to predict the future

[boltnrun]

I'm sorry but she did know there was a possibility of passing it along to you even with condoms. Again, her doctor would have given her full information when she was initially diagnosed. She probably was provided with literature to read. She's being a bit disingenuous here, possibly out of fear you'll leave her.

And her fear could allow you to have some compassion. After all, you'd be dealing with the same thing if you two broke up. You would have to take the chance of your next potential girlfriend not wanting to continue with you once you disclose to her. 

I would discuss your feelings with her, honestly and calmly, if you do want to remain in the relationship. You are certainly within your rights to have some misgivings about her level of honesty. All you can do is have a conversation and try to determine from that if you believe she will be honest with you going forward. 

And definitely keep an eye on your own body. If you start to have flu like symptoms and itching or pain in your genital or groin area be sure to see a doctor. You can also get a blood test to see if you have antibodies in your system.

Good luck. 

[Seraphim]

I would leave her immediately and go get tested . There is ZERO reason for putting people’s health at risk. ZERO. 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

I would leave her immediately and go get tested . There is ZERO reason for putting people’s health at risk. ZERO. 

My friend contracted herpes from a guy she was having an uncommitted sexual relationship with and who concealed his diagnosis from her. She sadly happened to contract a particularly vicious case of the virus.  She stayed in that relationship for six years despite being constantly manipulated, deceived and treated poorly because she feared no one else would ever want her. She did eventually leave that relationship and met a new man who accepted her. However, she was honest about it from the beginning. 

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, basscheck said:

Only disclosed because she was having an outbreak and didn't want to infect me. We've always used condoms (except for oral) and unfortunately hadn't talked about our sexual statuses before this. I would have expected to have been told before we ever had sex about this, but she was under the impression she only had to bring it up when an outbreak was going on to stay safe. 

In defense of your girlfriend, I was also under the same impression--that herpes isn't transmittable unless you have symptoms. I don't know how old you guys are, but that's what they taught us in Sex Eed. For me, that was the 1990s--I went to a good high school, too. At that time, it was a Blue Ribbon school that was ranked second in the U.S. So, l they weren't teaching crap.

However, I just googled it and (unfortunately) what I learned is wrong--you can be infected by a person without symptoms.

Incidentally, the school also taught us that condoms with nonoxynol‑9 are 98% effective in preventing HIV transmission--also untrue. Nonoxynol‑9 actually damages tissue and makes you more vulnerable to HIV! But we were taught the opposite, and that's what we believed for a long time!

My point is, there's misinformation and disinformation everywhere. It really could have been an honest mistake on her part. That's why it's so important to talk about STDs before you reach that level of physical intimacy. 

You know your girlfriend best. Is she a good person? Has this relationship been a good experience up to this point? If yes, then why take that away from her now? Why cast her as the villain when you both could have asked these questions up front? 

One of my close friends contracted herpes when we were still teenagers. Like your girlfriend, she waited to inform her partners until she felt comfortable doing so. She had the same understanding as your girlfriend, that it's not contagious if there are no symptoms. I know it was tough for her because she talked to me about it. It's a tough situation to be in, especially when you are so young. But she got through it. She's been married now for 15 years, has three kids. Her husband knows, of course.

[Jibralta]

Another thing: I made a habit of getting screened for STDs before becoming sexually active with someone. I made him do it, too. The last time I got screened was about 10 years ago. That was the first time I was told that they weren't going to do a screening for herpes. I asked why, and the doctor told me that they stopped screening for herpes unless someone is showing symptoms. She said that most people that have herpes are asymptomatic and that if you don't have symptoms, the tests are unreliable.

I just googled it and it's true:

https://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/screening.htm

I think this is why we felt comfortable believing that herpes couldn't be transmitted if there were no symptoms. I can almost remember a teacher saying that if there are no sores, the virus has no way to be transmitted.

The doctor also said that most people have herpes and don't even know it (yikes!). I don't know if that's true or not, but I do know that if you've ever gotten a cold sore, you have a form of herpes. Herpes Simplex 2 is the one associated with STDs, but I think you can get either version anywhere.

[basscheck]

@Jibralta appreciate the anecdotes. I'm planning to get tested soon so that I can understand where I'm at. Given that I've never had a herpes test it would be good to know. Perhaps I've just been asymptomatic all these years. Fwiw even with no sores you can still asymptomatically shed and infect people. It's probably the most common way people get it since a lot of people don't know they have it because it's never tested for.

[boltnrun]

I would imagine there would be more comprehensive information provided after a diagnosis than would be taught in school.  That's why I am kind of side-eyeing her contention that she didn't know it could be transmitted while asymptomatic.  It's like what I was taught about labor pains.  I was taught they were PAINS when in reality my experience was they were period cramps times about a million.

And you're right, a LOT of people have the virus in their systems without even knowing it.

I also believe a calm, honest conversation is called for rather than an immediate ending of the relationship.  If your relationship has been one of trust and honesty up to this point you can make the decision whether or not you will continue to trust her.

[catfeeder]

I'm heartened by the considerate and empathetic responses you've received on this issue.

Sure, your GF knew or should have known about her risk of potential transmission to you, and yet I can also make room for how her diagnosis may have shocked her into latching onto the most convenient misinformation to accept.

I'd also ask her whether she's taking a suppressant medication, and if not, why not.

In my lifetime drug advances have converted the potential 'death sentence' of HIV into something that's no longer transmissible once treatments have reduced measurability within one's system. Sooo far ahead of the days of harsh drug 'cocktails' that could only prevent an expansion of HIV into AIDS, but NOT prevent transmission to others--yet.

So what do most of us know about today's herpes standards of care and available treatments? If GF has been this tuned out regarding transmission risks, then she's not exactly a font of knowledge about current treatment information.

Your'e the only one who knows your private feelings about GF. You'll need to process your way through this and decide whether to partner with GF to learn current treatment info together as a couple with a future, or whether you cannot bring yourself to go there with her. Either way is 'right'.

 

[Starlight925]

You need to ask for a specific IGG antibody test for HSV-1 and HSV-2.

You very likely have HSV-1 antibodies, as about 80% or more of people have them.  That's oral herpes, which you likely have had your whole life.

HSV-2 is "below the belt", and it's the one that most people are concerned with.

The antibody test will tell if the virus is in your body, and the IGG antibody presence is surrounding the virus, indicating that yes, you have the virus in your body.

It's absolutely NOT true that you can't infect while not having an outbreak.  In the days leading up to an outbreak, the area where the outbreak is going to occur undergoes a prodromal stage.  

In this stage, the body is getting ready for an outbreak.  It can be 3-5 days prior to the outbreak, but the person has no idea, yet they are contagious.  Kind of like the days leading up to a cold:  you can be asymptomatic but spread your cold.

Either way, it was not only wrong of her not to tell you, you could have a legal case, as was mentioned above.

I went through something similar years ago, after about 2 months with someone.  What did I do?  I don't know, you'll have to find him.  I never spoke another word to him.

[Jibralta]

8 hours ago, basscheck said:

It's probably the most common way people get it since a lot of people don't know they have it because it's never tested for.

You would think that would encourage more testing! But apparently the test isn't very accurate and results in a lot of false positives. 

[gamon]

Your girlfriend has put you at risk for a lifetime of outbreaks and misery. If you date others, you'll be faced with the same dilemma all HSV2 people have. Lots of women won't want to get involved with someone who has it so your options will be more limited. It will always be on your mind when you start dating.. when do you tell them, how will they react, how will you tell them.

If things are good between you otherwise, you might have to find a way to get past what could be considered carelessness and ignorance at the very least, to deception at worst.

If you stay together and you haven't contracted the virus she needs to be on antivirals for the duration of your relationship. Or until a cure is found, but I wouldn't count on that one.

[basscheck]

25 minutes ago, gamon said:

Your girlfriend has put you at risk for a lifetime of outbreaks and misery. If you date others, you'll be faced with the same dilemma all HSV2 people have. Lots of women won't want to get involved with someone who has it so your options will be more limited. It will always be on your mind when you start dating.. when do you tell them, how will they react, how will you tell them.

If things are good between you otherwise, you might have to find a way to get past what could be considered carelessness and ignorance at the very least, to deception at worst.

If you stay together and you haven't contracted the virus she needs to be on antivirals for the duration of your relationship. Or until a cure is found, but I wouldn't count on that one.

Your comment is basically all the thoughts going through my mind the past week. It's definitely a decision I'll have to make for the rest of my life either way so I don't want to rush in to it and she's been very understanding of that.

Yea the antivirals are an absolute requirement for me should things proceed and I'm negative. She's currently only taking them during outbreaks which my doctor tells me is pretty normal for people with infrequent outbreaks.

[Jibralta]

6 hours ago, basscheck said:

She's currently only taking them during outbreaks which my doctor tells me is pretty normal for people with infrequent outbreaks.

Did you ask your doctor why that is?

It just seems bizarre that it would be considered 'normal' not to take antivirals when it's a known fact that herpes is contagious even when someone is asymptomatic? 

[boltnrun]

25 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Did you ask your doctor why that is?

It just seems bizarre that it would be considered 'normal' not to take antivirals when it's a known fact that herpes is contagious even when someone is asymptomatic? 

My friend who has it only takes them if she feels an outbreak coming on.  She told me her clues are flu-like symptoms and itching or pain in her genital area.  And she and her husband refrained from sex during these times.

[basscheck]

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

Did you ask your doctor why that is?

It just seems bizarre that it would be considered 'normal' not to take antivirals when it's a known fact that herpes is contagious even when someone is asymptomatic? 

My doctor said that he only typically prescribes them to patients with 3-5+ outbreaks per year. Didn't really follow up any more than that though. A lot of people in the medical community don't really see herpes as a big deal. It's more the stigma around it. While I don't necessarily disagree, I'd also like to not have genital sores if I can avoid them 

[Jibralta]

6 minutes ago, basscheck said:

While I don't necessarily disagree, I'd also like to not have genital sores if I can avoid them 

I'm with you on that!

6 minutes ago, basscheck said:

A lot of people in the medical community don't really see herpes as a big deal.

I got the same impression from my doctor the last time I had the STD screening. I find this attitude very annoying. 

6 minutes ago, basscheck said:

My doctor said that he only typically prescribes them to patients with 3-5+ outbreaks per year.

With doctors prescribing this way, I can see why your girlfriend thought it wouldn't be a problem unless she was having an outbreak.

[gamon]

29 minutes ago, basscheck said:

I'd also like to not have genital sores if I can avoid them 

I can't possibly imagine why.

[Coily]

Considering she took away your ability to consent in regards to her having herpes, I would be concerned what else she would consider worth hiding from you. 
Granted for this is a dealbreaker in any relationship, so I have a very dim view of this deception.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, basscheck said:

My doctor said that he only typically prescribes them to patients with 3-5+ outbreaks per year. 

It's great you're going to your physician for testing and information. As you know, testing only reveals if you have antibodies or not, not how long they've been there or where you got it from.

The sad fine point here is the deception.  That's what you'll have to grapple with. For now perhaps step back and reflect how this impacts you. Maybe refrain from sexual activity until at least your tests come back. 

[Lambert]

At best, this is very selfish behavior. At worst, she cheated on you and got herpes.

I would not stay with this woman.  To risk your health like this- deal breaker. She is not a quality life a partner. 

 

[Seraphim]

10 hours ago, Coily said:

Considering she took away your ability to consent in regards to her having herpes, I would be concerned what else she would consider worth hiding from you. 
Granted for this is a dealbreaker in any relationship, so I have a very dim view of this deception.

I agree it is the level of deceit and taking away of your consent that makes this non viable.