Girlfriend just told me she has genital herpes after one year

[basscheck]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

The sad fine point here is the deception.  That's what you'll have to grapple with. For now perhaps step back and reflect how this impacts you. Maybe refrain from sexual activity until at least your tests come back. 

Yea totally agree. For now we're just talking here and there until I get my tests results back. I think I'll have a better idea of how I feel long term once I have that knowledge

[gamon]

My older sister has been back to dating for the past 6 or 7 years. She's met a lot of losers. One guy gave her Herpes 2, he did not disclose it beforehand. She gets frequent outbreaks. Now when she meets a guy she has to deal with how to tell him, and to her credit she always does prior to any sexual activity. Many guys ghost her after that. The guy she is with now, 5 or 6 months which is probably a record for her in recent years (but I digress), has the distinction of being a Herpes 2 recipient. She feels sort of bad about it but as she says "well I warned him". Meanwhile she is also under the mistaken impression, reinforced by her doctor, that she can't transmit the virus if it's not an active outbreak. She has also failed to accept that she needs to be on antivirals permanently to protect a noninfected partner. Even though an internet search clearly proves otherwise.

For whatever that's worth.

[basscheck]

2 hours ago, gamon said:

My older sister has been back to dating for the past 6 or 7 years. She's met a lot of losers. One guy gave her Herpes 2, he did not disclose it beforehand. She gets frequent outbreaks. Now when she meets a guy she has to deal with how to tell him, and to her credit she always does prior to any sexual activity. Many guys ghost her after that. The guy she is with now, 5 or 6 months which is probably a record for her in recent years (but I digress), has the distinction of being a Herpes 2 recipient. She feels sort of bad about it but as she says "well I warned him". Meanwhile she is also under the mistaken impression, reinforced by her doctor, that she can't transmit the virus if it's not an active outbreak. She has also failed to accept that she needs to be on antivirals permanently to protect a noninfected partner. Even though an internet search clearly proves otherwise.

For whatever that's worth.

Appreciate you sharing the story! It seems crazy to me how many doctors don't really care about it/are uninformed about it

[sweetlady]

On 4/7/2023 at 8:48 PM, basscheck said:

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year now and she just disclosed she's had genital herpes the whole time. Only disclosed because she was having an outbreak and didn't want to infect me. We've always used condoms (except for oral) and unfortunately hadn't talked about our sexual statuses before this. I would have expected to have been told before we ever had sex about this, but she was under the impression she only had to bring it up when an outbreak was going on to stay safe. Other than this, things were going great. Not really sure what to do from here. I'm a mixed bag of emotions right now

She should of told you from the start she had it. But maybe she didn't want to lose you. 

But it all depends if you can look past this and how you feel about her.

Is this a deal breaker the fact she didn't tell you. Or if your honest deep down would you of freaked out and ended it. Just be honest with her if she blown it.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, sweetlady said:

She should of told you from the start she had it. But maybe she didn't want to lose you. 

But it all depends if you can look past this and how you feel about her.

Is this a deal breaker the fact she didn't tell you. Or if your honest deep down would you of freaked out and ended it. Just be honest with her if she blown it.

I think it depends on what his standards of honesty are and if his personal standard is that it's ok to lie to someone - including about a serious and life-altering health risk to that person- because you're scared of losing the person then it goes both ways.  Certainly if he would have ended things anyway I don't think he'd be posting here -would be an easy out.  I don't think his standard is it's ok to lie like this out of fear of losing the relationship.

[sweetlady]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think it depends on what his standards of honesty are and if his personal standard is that it's ok to lie to someone - including about a serious and life-altering health risk to that person- because you're scared of losing the person then it goes both ways.  Certainly if he would have ended things anyway I don't think he'd be posting here -would be an easy out.  I don't think his standard is it's ok to lie like this out of fear of losing the relationship.

Yes I agree it's unforgivable really. Because she put his health at risk. 

He just has to be honest if it's a deal breaker for him or not.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, sweetlady said:

Yes I agree it's unforgivable really. Because she put his health at risk. 

He just has to be honest if it's a deal breaker for him or not.

As the victim he's not obligated to do anything.  He might wish to for himself but even if it's only a partial dealbreaker and partially he wasn't so thrilled that's fine too.  

[Jibralta]

typing....

[Jibralta]

On 4/9/2023 at 6:05 PM, basscheck said:

On 4/9/2023 at 3:28 PM, gamon said:

Meanwhile she is also under the mistaken impression, reinforced by her doctor, that she can't transmit the virus if it's not an active outbreak. She has also failed to accept that she needs to be on antivirals permanently to protect a noninfected partner. Even though an internet search clearly proves otherwise.

For whatever that's worth.

Appreciate you sharing the story! It seems crazy to me how many doctors don't really care about it/are uninformed about it

It is crazy!

[basscheck]

15 hours ago, sweetlady said:

She should of told you from the start she had it. But maybe she didn't want to lose you. 

But it all depends if you can look past this and how you feel about her.

Is this a deal breaker the fact she didn't tell you. Or if your honest deep down would you of freaked out and ended it. Just be honest with her if she blown it.

Honestly I think it's a pretty big life decision for me and not something that I would freak out over. I definitely have invested a good chunk of time in this relationship, but it's hard to say if I would have, had I known upfront. Alternate realities are hard to predict I suppose. Outside of this event I do truly believe she would make a good life partner for me which is the thing that hurts the most.

 

My test results came back negative today so at some point I need to make a decision in all of this. She's been very patient with me and understands my point of view. I change my mind on things every few hours it feels. Love hurts as they say

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, basscheck said:

My  test results came back negative today so at some point I need to make a decision in all of this. 

That's an excellent start.  Unfortunately the deception is still something to reflect on. 

[sweetlady]

4 hours ago, basscheck said:

Honestly I think it's a pretty big life decision for me and not something that I would freak out over. I definitely have invested a good chunk of time in this relationship, but it's hard to say if I would have, had I known upfront. Alternate realities are hard to predict I suppose. Outside of this event I do truly believe she would make a good life partner for me which is the thing that hurts the most.

 

My test results came back negative today so at some point I need to make a decision in all of this. She's been very patient with me and understands my point of view. I change my mind on things every few hours it feels. Love hurts as they say

I know she didn't tell at the start but it sounds like she been very careful. 

It's such a big thing for you no one wants to be have this sort of thing themselves. 

While she is understanding maybe patient at your reaction she might be fearing she screwed this up. 

But this is your life so you decide what is best for you. It's not a lie like she said I didn't drink wine but she did. It's a health thing knowing she could of passed it on would of made her feel bad in you not knowing.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide.

 

 

 

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, basscheck said:

I definitely have invested a good chunk of time in this relationship, but it's hard to say if I would have, had I known upfront.

I'm sorry to say it, but you robbed yourself of this opportunity and this choice when you left the matter in her hands. You could have talked about STDs before you became intimate. Sure, if she was an evil person, she wouldn't have told you. But if she's a decent person who's simply been misinformed (or confused by the contradictory treatment practices of the medical industry), I think she probably would have told you. I think this because she could have hidden this outbreak from you. But instead she was upfront about it.

[basscheck]

3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I'm sorry to say it, but you robbed yourself of this opportunity and this choice when you left the matter in her hands. You could have talked about STDs before you became intimate. Sure, if she was an evil person, she wouldn't have told you. But if she's a decent person who's simply been misinformed (or confused by the contradictory treatment practices of the medical industry), I think she probably would have told you. I think this because she could have hidden this outbreak from you. But instead she was upfront about it.

I don't disagree. I've had to disclose once when I had something temporary so I just always assumed people would do the same. Seems like that's not the case here though. I've had a number of partners through short lived relationships over the years and not once has either party brought up STDs which I now find odd. Not sure what other people's experiences are in this category.

I did ask her if she would have told me if I had asked about her status and she said yes. I don't think she would have lied about it at the time. She was open about another life long disease she has that's not contagious so it seems like that would have been a good time to have dropped this as well