Looks like I have to lie :(

[midnightdeirdre]

20 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why would a sensitive guy who understands your autism need to be tall, handsome and own his own house? Are you expecting someone to take care of you?

I don't know to what extent you are able to provide for yourself so it may be possible you require a caregiver. But that doesn't require a tall, handsome homeowner. 

And no, that isn't what marriage is. A marriage is an equal partnership where each party brings their own unique abilities to the relationship. They are a team. It isn't a provider/dependent relationship. It's not like a parent/child dynamic, in essence. 

Are you hoping this man will decide he wants to take care of you after your sexual encounter?

Men taking time on their looks is a lost art. (To put it mildly.) Call me shallow if you want. But I love it when men take time and pride on their appearance.  (Case in point: looking at Tom’s handsome face cheered me up my senior year.)

[Cherylyn]

Lying causes you to dig a deeper hole for yourself and then you can't get away with it.  Your original lie needs more lies to pile on top of it as you continue your ruse.

Sooner or later when your stories don't add up to whomever you're lying to,  will catch on and catch up with you.  Deceit and betrayal are impossible to recover from.  Sure, there could be civility post-lie(s) but trust in you is destroyed and permanently dead.  ☹️ 

If being respected and admired doesn't matter to you,  then lie and consequences be da _ _ _ _.   If you're not concerned with harsh consequences,  then lie and do whatever your heart desires with abandon.  Some people dispense whatever they say or write without thinking of the repercussions. 

Always remember,  one action leads to another which can either impact your life positively and smoothly or have disastrous results in all relationships.  Think before you do otherwise you could very well live with a lot of regrets which can never be undone. 

[midnightdeirdre]

14 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Because she did not sign up for a booty call expecting to be face to face with her partner's deep emotional hangup on her.

Tom knows I have this personal thing to tell him. He knows for certain it is deep/emotional and I have even warned him I may get teary-eyed. He said if that happens he will understand.

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

Men taking time on their looks is a lost art. (To put it mildly.) Call me shallow if you want. But I love it when men take time and pride on their appearance.  (Case in point: looking at Tom’s handsome face cheered me up my senior year.)

But what does that have to do with a man being sensitive and patient with your autism? We can't spend all day looking at our husbands. We need them to be the right man for us. 

Are you hoping your sexual encounter will result in him offering to take care of you?

[midnightdeirdre]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Are you hoping your sexual encounter will result in him offering to take care of you?

No not at all. I just want to finally connect with him physically in the way we both obviously want.

[midnightdeirdre]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

He as a person didn't help you.  Looking at his long ago photo did.  The photo of his face and body helped you.  A face and body he was born with.  And as Kwok28 so aptly put, the way you want to tell him and the context is concerning.

If looking at Picasso’s artwork helped get you through a tough time, would you want to thank him?

[Batya33]

I would share with an artist if I appreciated his or her work in the appropriate way/context.  And I have.  His or her work.  Not what he or she looked like in a photo.

Please do not expect a "night of passion." If you both want to have intercourse then expect you will meet up to have intercourse and unless there is some issue you will have sex.  Doesn't mean it will be passionate or be a night of passion and I wouldn't expect that at all or expect it to have any emotions attached to it on his side.

[boltnrun]

20 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

No not at all. I just want to finally connect with him physically in the way we both obviously want.

But you said you have feelings for him and are considering telling him. That isn't strictly a physical connection. And it seems you're hoping he also wants more.

Anyway, I can see you're determined to do this. Please be careful.

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, midnightdeirdre said:

If looking at Picasso’s artwork helped get you through a tough time, would you want to thank him?

That is not a valid analogy.  If a photograph of Picasso's face helped a person get through a tough time - that would be a valid analogy.  

If you want to honor someone's work (art, acting, music, medical skills, teaching, the list goes on) that is a lot different from just getting something out of looking at their fine physical attributes.  Especially in a picture which they did not even give to you personally.  

Anyway, moot point.  You will do what you want to do and it will probably be just fine.  It's simply socially inappropriate / potentially quite awkward.  But that is all easily survivable.  

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

But you said you have feelings for him and are considering telling him. That isn't strictly a physical connection. And it seems you're hoping he also wants more.

Anyway, I can see you're determined to do this. Please be careful.

I agree and at least the OP's responses to me have been dismissive and at times kind of mocking - I've given my input and probably repetitively so she's smart and can reread as she wishes (or not).  I second Bolt's observations and suggestions.

[midnightdeirdre]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

But you said you have feelings for him and are considering telling him. That isn't strictly a physical connection. And it seems you're hoping he also wants more.

Anyway, I can see you're determined to do this. Please be careful.

As I said, it’s tough to describe how I feel without sounding like I’m contradicting myself. Please re-read my statement about that earlier.

[midnightdeirdre]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

But what does that have to do with a man being sensitive and patient with your autism? We can't spend all day looking at our husbands. We need them to be the right man for us. 

Are you hoping your sexual encounter will result in him offering to take care of you?

A boyfriend/husband for me wouldn’t just be a partner. He would also have to be my mentor. 🧩 

[boltnrun]

You believe you can have a strictly physical relationship with someone you'd like to be in a romantic relationship with IF YOU COULD? You think you won't feel hurt if he just wants sex and doesn't want anything more?

I mean...of course you can do whatever you want. But once you do you can't go back and undo it. And please realize it's likely if he doesn't reciprocate your feelings or react to your revelation the way you're imagining, you will feel bad afterward. 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

A boyfriend/husband for me wouldn’t just be a partner. He would also have to be my mentor. 🧩 

OK, but being tall and handsome and owning his own home has nothing to do with that.

I understand wanting a man you're attracted to. That's a given. But you seem to be prioritizing looks as well as what a man can do for YOU. Relationships involve reciprocation. It's not all about what our husbands can do for us. 

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

A boyfriend/husband for me wouldn’t just be a partner. He would also have to be my mentor. 🧩 

There's this saying likely by Albert Camus: Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead.
Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.

Most men -even traditional ones - would love to have a reciprocal mentor relationship -maybe you mentor each other because you have different strengths? - but most men these days don't want -in a marriage -the role of having to lead as a mentor to you - not in a marriage as opposed to being someone's boss/mentor professionally.  

[midnightdeirdre]

18 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You believe you can have a strictly physical relationship with someone you'd like to be in a romantic relationship with IF YOU COULD? You think you won't feel hurt if he just wants sex and doesn't want anything more?

I mean...of course you can do whatever you want. But once you do you can't go back and undo it. And please realize it's likely if he doesn't reciprocate your feelings or react to your revelation the way you're imagining, you will feel bad afterward. 

Bottom line: I’d say he and I are/would be friends-with-benefits. Enough said.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, midnightdeirdre said:

Men taking time on their looks is a lost art.

No, it really isn't.  Have you been to a gym lately? Passed by a barber? Plenty of men take time on their appearance. 

4 hours ago, midnightdeirdre said:

I’d say he and I are/would be friends-with-benefits

Then you need to keep emotional talks out of it. Otherwise, you are going to over-complicate it and turn it into a more serious event than a one-night stand calls for. 

[Jibralta]

10 hours ago, midnightdeirdre said:

I live at home with my parents and he has a teenage son. He’s constantly busy with him, his work, and basketball. 

Is he married?

[Batya33]

Since you've been bare bones about this and  then sort of backpedaled I'd avoid all euphemisms. You two are friends who mostly text -you don't hang out - and your purpose in hanging out this time is to get a room and have intercourse. If you start using all those silly euphemisms about benefits you might be tempted to rationalize getting all emotional with him with your sharing about your reliance on his high school photo to get you through a tough time.  

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, midnightdeirdre said:

 I’d say he and I are/would be friends-with-benefits. Enough said.

If you want him as a close friend and confidant do not jeopardize the friendship with physical sex.  It's ok to fantasize about him, sext,etc., but if you cross the line to intercourse, things will change. 

[SherrySher]

I honestly don't understand why you are all giving this lady a hard time?

Can't you just give her support, wish her well and let it go?

She wants to have a one night stand with this man, maybe even a possible fling, and if she wants to also thank him for giving her happiness (in whatever form that might have been back in high school), 

why judge, tell her it's wrong, mock it, or just plain tell her it's not correct?

His handsome face brought her happiness.

Nothing wrong with that at all. 

She wants to let him know. I think it's nice.

Se has said, over and over that she is not looking for a serious romance with this man.

It sounds pretty cut and dry to me.

Meet up with him, have a night of passion, let him know he brought her happiness during a rough time in her life. End of.

Why make it so complicated by scolding her, or trying to tell her it's not right?

Live and let live...honestly. 

She's not harming anyone, any disappointments will be hers to deal with.

If she doesn't take your advice, so be it.

I have written thousands of posts and I bet lots have not taken my advice, and that's okay.

But to me, this lady sounds like she knows what she wants and her opinion and thoughts are just as valid and as important as everyone else's.

[SherrySher]

OP, I think it's perfectly fine to meet up with this man, have a night or intimacy and thank him for the happiness he brought you in high school.

Nothing wrong with it whatsoever, despite what people have tried to tell you on here.

It's sweet and it sounds like you know what you want and what to expect.

I will cross my fingers for you that it all goes as you have hoped it will.

 

[SherrySher]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Since you've been bare bones about this and  then sort of backpedaled I'd avoid all euphemisms. You two are friends who mostly text -you don't hang out - and your purpose in hanging out this time is to get a room and have intercourse. If you start using all those silly euphemisms about benefits you might be tempted to rationalize getting all emotional with him with your sharing about your reliance on his high school photo to get you through a tough time.  

Nothing silly at all.

This lady knows what she wants and what she's comfortable telling him.

If she is disappointed, it sounds like she knows how to handle it.

At the end of the day, it will be her situation to deal with. 

But I think she sounds pretty level headed about all of it.

[SherrySher]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you want him as a close friend and confidant do not jeopardize the friendship with physical sex.  It's ok to fantasize about him, sext,etc., but if you cross the line to intercourse, things will change. 

Lots do it...sometimes it works out to be serious relationships, sometimes it ruins the friendship.

But it's her choice to make at the end of the day as to what she wants to risk.

If she wants to be intimate with this man, none of us can say what will become of it.

It's a guess.

She has said quite a few times now that she is okay with it not being a relationship.

Sounds pretty sensible to me.

[midnightdeirdre]

5 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Is he married?

Lol no. Never been. He is single.