She's backed away after a great second date, how to proceed?

[MrMan1983]

Hi everyone,

A few weeks ago I had an amazing first date with a girl, there was a lot of chemistry and attraction. Right after she said how much of a great time she had and was hinting at a second date. Since then she was texting me every single day often multiple times (which I was reciprocating), even though I knew this was a mistake as it lowers attraction chit chatting away by text non stop I still couldn't help myself. This was partly because she was initiating a lot of it and we were both excited to talk to each other.

Anyway a few weeks later after a couple of flaked dates (for legitimate reasons, couldn't get childcare for one, and car broke down on the other) we finally had our second date on Saturday, we had lost a bit of momentum however we went to play indoor mini golf which was a right laugh and great ice breaker and then she came back to mine for dinner. We ended up playing games, talking lots, flirting, then kissing a lot before she then made her journey home. All seemed good.

Here's where I may of made a mistake (as it likely looked over eager) and text her that same night saying how I had a great time and also sent a funny video of her losing one of the games, which she responded well to and we shared some jokes back and forth. She was also referring to things for the 'Next time' which was a good sign too. The next day the banter continued about how she beat me at most of the games however I think I got a bit carried away with the jokey messages likely sending a couple too many and her responses became more just emojis/reactions and not much convo.

The next morning I think I messed up again sending a needless 'Good morning, hope you have a great day' etc message. I have had zero response or contact from her since, which is the first time in a month so it's out of character.

I have not tried sending her anything more or any questions yet. I've got a feeling I have screwed up her attraction by subtly coming off needy by over texting a bit. I was considering the below options;

1. Leave it another day or so then confidently voice note her asking how she is etc and another date idea for the weekend/next weekend like nothing has happened and see what happens.

2. Just stop texting altogether until she does, however I do worry that she may miss read it a bit.

What are your thoughts?

I must say it's VERY rare I meet a girl like this that aligns with a lot of my values with the same humour, place in life as well as the attraction being there. I would usually just put it behind me and take the L however I would really like to see this one again so want to play it as carefully as possible and not act on my anxiety in a way that pushes her away further.

Thanks

[Batya33]

In my experience dating people often change their minds for a variety of reasons after only a few dates.  Given how many texts you sent and her opportnity to respond to your last one I would leave it 100% even if you believe she is a good match for you- that should make no difference. I'm sorry you're feeling disappointed.  Been there!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, MrMan1983 said:

1. another date idea for the weekend/next weekend like nothing has happened and see what happens.

It seems like the dates and communication went quite well. 

Try not to err on the side of playing it too cool. 

 Go with idea #1  rest a bit then simply think of some ideas and propose another date as soon as mutually convenient. 

[lostandhurt]

I don't think you messed it up.  If she is into you it would take way more than that to turn her off.

 You have no idea what is going on in her head so simply don't try and figure it out.

Control what you have complete control over which is what you do and when you do it.  Wait a few days and then ask her out on a date for this weekend. Be direct and like wiseman said know what you want to do.  Ask her to a local attraction and then dinner.  Basically don't let silence be your guide, ask her out and see what she says and then you will know for sure.

It was only 2 dates so relax and keep your expectations nice and even.

 Lost

[gamon]

It wasn't the texting.

 

[MrMan1983]

Thanks guys, I've decided that either this evening or tomorrow evening (probably the latter) I'll leave her a voice note like nothings happened to see how her weeks going and whether she's free for a stand up comedy night near us on Friday or the next weekend and hope for the best.

I guess if there's radio silence after it's confirmed that she's lost interest for whatever reason, it's also entirely likely she's got other options, she's a very attractive and nice women.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Thanks guys, I've decided that either this evening or tomorrow evening (probably the latter) I'll leave her a voice note like nothings happened to see how her weeks going and whether she's free for a stand up comedy night near us on Friday or the next weekend and hope for the best.

I guess if there's radio silence after it's confirmI woued that she's lost interest for whatever reason, it's also entirely likely she's got other options, she's a very attractive and nice women.

I would leave her a voicenote or a text asking when you can call her.  Then call at the mutually convenient time and ask her out on a date.  

[lostandhurt]

Perfect!  Keep it light and fun.

If you get a date with her make sure you spend time asking her all about herself. Where she grew up, where she want to school, what kind of kid she was growing up, brothers and sisters, dreams, favorite places, favorite time of year and on and on.  Don't just rattle off the questions but listen and stay focused on what she says and let it lead you but always come back to getting to know her.

Attractive women with lots of options can be hard to read sometimes.  

Good luck and let us know how it all works out either way.

 Lost

[Cherylyn]

You didn't mess up by your 'Good morning . . .' message. 

Usually, whenever people ignore you,  it's their message that they wish not to be bothered and prefer to proceed with their own life without you. 

Try leaving a voicemail and if she continues giving you the silent treatment, this is your cue to move on.  I'm sorry.  It happens.  Not everyone in life is meant for each other no matter what the dynamic or who it is.

[Kwothe28]

For what its worth I dont think its about you. Dating is more "instant" now. So if it "fizzles out" despite good dates and connection, its probably that she met somebody else then about you. And I am sorry but they dont feel the need to notify you either. They think "fizzling out" is enough for you to get the hint and just move on. 

But I think that you should at least message or call and see if she wants to continue dating. Think that should be OK. If she ignores you or starts making excuses, you would at least know where you are and not to expect anything more.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

Since then she was texting me every single day often multiple times (which I was reciprocating), even though I knew this was a mistake as it lowers attraction chit chatting away

Oh boy, you've been reading dating "guru" advice, right? 

6 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

Here's where I may of made a mistake (as it likely looked over eager) and text her that same night saying how I had a great time and also sent a funny video

Again, I am going to guess you've been getting advice from dubious sources. 

6 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

I've got a feeling I have screwed up her attraction by subtly coming off needy by over texting a bit

And here we are again, with talk of "attraction."

OP, your communication was fine. When someone is into you and enjoys messaging, they are going to enjoy your level of chattiness. You weren't over-the-top or needy, so stop focusing on that. 

Her silence could be down to just about anything, including things that have zero to do with you. 

[limichelle]

In the complex world of dating one thing remains simple. The other person is into you or not. 
 

It’s not about how many texts you sent or what you said in them. I just know if someone no longer includes you in their communication. It should be over and you should move on. 
 

Once you get self doubt or the ‘nagging’ feeling something isn’t right. It usually is true that this isn’t a good fit. 
 

Dating is hard but remember that being interested is easy because you are or you’re not. There’s no in between. 

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, limichelle said:

It’s not about how many texts you sent or what you said in them. I just know if someone no longer includes you in their communication. It should be over and you should move on. 

I've lost interest when the person acted in a clingy way or called too much especially early on.  It wasn't a yes or no -it was changeable especially in the beginning.  It raised red flags if the person called/emailed too much or didn't call or email when he'd promised to to make or confirm a plan. I don't think this is the issue here because I don't think he texted too much.  But given that he did to the extent he did I personally would leave the ball in her court.

[MrMan1983]

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I've lost interest when the person acted in a clingy way or called too much especially early on.  It wasn't a yes or no -it was changeable especially in the beginning.  It raised red flags if the person called/emailed too much or didn't call or email when he'd promised to to make or confirm a plan. I don't think this is the issue here because I don't think he texted too much.  But given that he did to the extent he did I personally would leave the ball in her court.

Agreed, dating guru advice or not I do think it's possible to subtly effect things by being too available/over contacting even if slightly and it's something I have been guilty of especially when it's someone I'm very excited about.

When I'm less excited about someone I always get the opposite outcome, they chase me up and initiate dates, blow up my phone etc. I feel I have to be going wrong somewhere in my interactions with the women I'm attracted to if they start off so excited, great dates then it ends like this, even if it's choosing someone else.

Hopefully one day I'll learn, although at 40 I do wonder.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, MrMan1983 said:

Agreed, dating guru advice or not I do think it's possible to subtly effect things by being too available/over contacting even if slightly and it's something I have been guilty of especially when it's someone I'm very excited about.

When I'm less excited about someone I always get the opposite outcome, they chase me up and initiate dates, blow up my phone etc. I feel I have to be going wrong somewhere in my interactions with the women I'm attracted to if they start off so excited, great dates then it ends like this, even if it's choosing someone else.

Hopefully one day I'll learn, although at 40 I do wonder.

Why should anyone heavily pursue or chase anyone -shouldn't it be more mutual and reciprocal? To me it was a red flag if a man reacted to his initial excitement (the feeling is normal for sure!) by calling/emailing too much and I always gave a person a reasonable amount of space to get to know me over a period of time -I was excited too and didn't act on it by crowding the new person.

[MrMan1983]

14 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

For what its worth I dont think its about you. Dating is more "instant" now. So if it "fizzles out" despite good dates and connection, its probably that she met somebody else then about you. And I am sorry but they dont feel the need to notify you either. They think "fizzling out" is enough for you to get the hint and just move on. 

But I think that you should at least message or call and see if she wants to continue dating. Think that should be OK. If she ignores you or starts making excuses, you would at least know where you are and not to expect anything more.

Good points and true, women have a multitude of options especially when it comes to apps like Hinge or online dating. Will see how this week pans out either way.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Good points and true, women have a multitude of options especially when it comes to apps like Hinge or online dating. Will see how this week pans out either way.

Not if they are looking for a potentially serious relationship.  When I used dating sites I had hundreds of men interested.  I was looking for the right person for me so hundreds didn't mean much to me - it was sometimes a positive for sure but they weren't options as far as serious potential - they would have been if I was looking to date casually and/or get taken to nice restaurants and clubs etc. or for sexual flings. I wasn't. Also all those men who contact -the woman especially has to be vigilant about safety issues-more than men.

Good luck!

[MrMan1983]

Well, I think I fumbled the ball again instead of asking her straight out I tested the water by leaving a voice note to see how she is and how her weeks going, also an inside joke which she replied to enthusiastically by text also asking how I was, I replied and also asked if she had booked a nice hotel for her Birthday time off (which is the end of this week, she had planned to go away) and whether she has checked out a certain city, then I was going to lead it to doing something on Friday on the next text if she was not going away.

Only problem is she's read it and not replied at all now and that was on Tuesday, now I'm wondering if my lack of being direct about a third date and mindless chit chat/banter after our last date has caused her to completely lose interest and get bored. Kicking myself for not just asking her straight out on the last text instead of beating round the bush because if I text again now I'll look needy double texting.

It's her Birthday on Sunday so wonder if it would be unacceptable to send one more text with it being 5 days after the prior (so given her some distance at least) saying Happy Birthday hope she's having a gooden and whether she's up for <insert plans> the next week and completely ignore the fact she had not replied to my last mundane text. This is from the angle that she may be frustrated that I did not just set up the next date previously but obviously I understand it's probably too late and in reality it's likely she's just lost interest by now. I guess I would see it as my last attempt, and funnily enough my first attempt at actually sorting the third date properly *face palm*.

I find all this texting stuff very frustrating and wish from the start that I had not engaged in the chit chat and just stuck to using the phone to set up dates and the occasional text instead. Another period of time of kicking myself coming up.

 

[Batya33]

I'd stop beating yourself up and using that energy instead to come up with ways you are going to make different choices in the future and sticking to those choices.  I would have no further interaction with her. Interact with yourself with honesty instead of playing overthinking games with yourself of how she'd agree to a date if only if only.

[MrMan1983]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'd stop beating yourself up and using that energy instead to come up with ways you are going to make different choices in the future and sticking to those choices.  I would have no further interaction with her. Interact with yourself with honesty instead of playing overthinking games with yourself of how she'd agree to a date if only if only.

Good advice, just the being honest with myself bit is making me feel a bit crap right now as I know I've made the same mistakes in the past when I actually have chemistry with someone - which in my world is quite rare. Over a year of unsuccessful dates where it's been me not interested (but very upfront with them) for me to lose self control and get over excited when I do finally meet someone. Oh well have to suck it up and get on with it.

[Kwothe28]

37 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Only problem is she's read it and not replied at all now and that was on Tuesday

Dont beat yourself over it. Ive discovered that the people who want to respond, they will respond. Even if there isnt a question there. People who wouldnt would just brush off your message or respond when they remember you exist. I dont think you asking or not about the date would matter when her interest level is so low that she cant respond a simple message. Sorry.

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

I find all this texting stuff very frustrating 

Yes, the texting too much and too much small talk is not working.

She may lose interest if you treat her like a text buddy with multiple questions rather than show an interest in setting up a mutually convenient time to meet again.

You could salvage this by asking her out without tiptoeing around. Make sure your nerves aren't putting you in the friendzone.

[MrMan1983]

Update: I figured it wouldn't hurt to shoot my shot and do the dreaded double text like nothing had happened, it would cover the 'at least I attempted to set a date' angle and if I got ghosted or given bad news I would 100% know and can delete her number and forget about it after.

Sent her a text saying it's nearly the big day (it's her 30th) and jokingly saying she might need to check her body still works after by beating me at Ninja Warrior the next week and then a meal after. Also said I would of suggested this weekend but wasn't sure if she was away but kept it light hearted.

To my surprise she replied enthusiastically right away saying it sounds amazing and that she's in <insert city> on a city break at moment but she's off work next week and would definitely like to do it then, and that she's going to beat me again.

So turns out I may of read too much into the texting exchanges, although the language and frequency is the polar opposite of a week or so ago where she was sending loads and a lot of flirty exchanges (to now nothing) so it's easy to see why I came to the conclusion I did. I wonder if she got bored of all the text exchanges herself so decided to cut it back, this is fine by me if the focus was shifted to dates instead.

Rules from now on: Only use the phone for setting dates, and the occasional message. Save the convo for meeting up with women.

On a separate note yesterday I had a girl message that I had exchanged numbers with in the pub not so long ago who seemed very nice, saying she would be up for meeting up sometime soon. I've never tried the multiple dating thing, I worry that I'll mess someone about but I'm considering going for a drink as I guess it wouldn't hurt to keep my options open.

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

yesterday I had a girl message that I had exchanged numbers with in the pub not so long ago who seemed very nice, saying she would be up for meeting up sometime soon. I've never tried the multiple dating thing, I worry that I'll mess someone about but I'm considering going for a drink as I guess it wouldn't hurt to keep my options open.

I would absolutely keep your optons open. 

The current woman is lukewarm. Yes, you're going to see her again but she doesn't seem as interested as you. 

Set up a drink or something with the other woman as well. You would be wise to explore interest elsewhere. 

[MrMan1983]

19 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I would absolutely keep your optons open. 

The current woman is lukewarm. Yes, you're going to see her again but she doesn't seem as interested as you. 

Set up a drink or something with the other woman as well. You would be wise to explore interest elsewhere. 

Agreed, the one that text from pub seems enthusiastic too and I'm sure the former is probably doing the same with keeping her options open.