My girlfriend has an odor problem

[Booberri]

So I've been living with my girlfriend (27) for about a year, and I don't know how to talk to her about her increasingly bad body odor. Initially it wasn't serious - if she went a few days without showering I could tell, but I understand when you're just doing things around the house and neglect to clean yourself up (and her ADHD may have something to do with that). However, she recently started doing cam work at home (which is fine, I've dated SWers before, a job is a job) and after working for a few hours she smells BAD. Problem is, she doesn't shower afterwards, just puts on some regular clothes and goes about her day. She also tends to reuse the same outfits and pajamas, which are still smelly from the previous day, so... you get the picture. 

I don't know of any nice way to tell someone they smell bad. I've tried to drop hints, things like "those clothes kinda smell" or "did you shower today?" But nothing seems to sink in. She once said she doesn't really like showering, and has to force herself to do it. Then last night while watching TV I made a comment about how her pajamas smelled bad, and she told me it was sort of triggering because when she was young her overbearing mom would tell her she smells bad all the time. Her mom is kind of a jerk and I don't want to bring up troubling memories, but now I feel scared to even mention it.

It's getting really depressing. I work remotely in the main bedroom, and she usually works in the 2nd bedroom, but I can't go in there anymore because the smell is overpowering. I'm afraid she's gotten to the point where she can't smell herself at all, so she has no awareness of how bad it gets. I can feel this creating distance between us, as it is really difficult to initiate any kind of intimacy when your partner reeks of BO. I just don't know what to do. 

Anyway, thanks for reading. All advice is greatly appreciated.

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Booberri said:

 it is really difficult to initiate any kind of intimacy when your partner reeks of BO. 

How long have you been together? Is it your place, her place or do you co-own or co-lease?

You've already hinted that her clothes and body smell. 

Is this a matter of personal hygiene or does she have physical or mental health issues? 

You mentioned in the beginning it wasn't so bad. Has anything changed? Do you participate in doing laundry and keeping the house cleaned? 

[Batya33]

This also might be a diet issue as to why her odor is particularly bad.  Do you positively reinforce her when she does shower? When she smells normal? I think many people reuse certain articles of clothing but those that don't pick up odors -same pair of jeans if you only wore them to run an errand, outerwear over a shirt or slipper socks you only wear around the house.  But this presumes showering if not daily then most days.  That way the reused clothing hasn't picked up any odors.  It's actually good for your skin to skip a day once in awhile and not to wash hair daily. A few days -no.

Does she take meds? I would simply tell her - we live together.  I have a hard time being near you when you choose not to wash up/shower because the odor is noticeable and after awhile I don't feel well from the odor.  I don't like being around unclean clothing for the same reason. I know it's awkward but can we talk about whether you are willing to shower more often? Tell her you are not her momma.  You are a kind and thoughtful person and you want a living situation that is healthful and pleasant for both of you.

Also does she use deodorant? At some point lack of persona hygiene will be bad for you too if you're using the same hand towels etc -does she wash her hands enough? Does she eat properly?

[smackie9]

You TELL HER, plain and simple. Communication, even blunt communication will solve your problems in an instant. Tell her she starting to stink, and maybe get herself into the shower. And be serious about it.

[boltnrun]

Offer to shower together.  Offer to do laundry together.

[Coily]

You’re just going to have to be blunt. Maybe she should be “triggered” to improving her hygiene.

if you want to be subtle, put pictures of fish wherever you catch the scent.

Sorry if I’m harsh on this, but odors play a massive role in dealing with people. Especially when it comes to someone who you are intimate with.

[Kwothe28]

10 hours ago, Booberri said:

she recently started doing cam work at home (which is fine, I've dated SWers before, a job is a job)

So, essentially, she gets sweaty from doing sex streams on camera and it smells? Not to diss, just trying to figure out why is she sweating that much if she works from home lol

It could be various number of issues, including medical ones. For example, she maybe doesnt sweat that much but the smell of her sweat is very strong due to some issues. But, from everything you said, in your case, its just her being a lazy slob. Rooms need to have a steady air flow so she needs to open a window sometimes so the room could ventilate. Otherwise, yes, the smell would stay. Same with her clothes if she doesnt change them or washes them(I change and wash undershirts very frequently as yes, they "catch" sweat more). And finally, same with her if she doesnt shower. If she sweats too much maybe she needs to use anti-perspirant so she would sweat less. Or maybe just doing a regular showers. 

As for you, yes, I am afraid you would need to talk to her because its an issue. And to tell her instead of just hinting at her. Also, how frequently do you guys go out? Maybe if she would get out of home more frequently, she would take care of her hygiene more. And that is another thing. Because you live together, she doesnt see the need to be in "tip- top" shape for you. So she relaxed and thinks she can be a slob. Because you tolerate her. Dont do that. Tell her its an issue straight up and try to work it out.

[Batya33]

Maybe I'm overanalyzing.  Maybe she feels gross from the work so she punishes herself.  I know she also didn't shower enough as a child but just throwing this out there.

[boltnrun]

My ex only showered maybe three times a week, even after he did dirty, smelly work in his dad's business or when he participated in a semi-pro sports event once a week.  He also didn't brush his teeth more than a couple of times a week.  It was, frankly, very off-putting.  I would encourage him to shower more but he just couldn't be bothered.

I would definitely ask to shower and do laundry together.  And after you two get out of the shower, tell her how fun it was and how good and sexy she smells and looks.

[catfeeder]

"Bribery is the fine art of spelling out to a person what's in it for them." Dr. Joy Browne.

Offer something of value to GF every time she's willing to step up and bathe. Tell her it's important enough to you that you're willing to do or buy something that's important to her.

Also, do a lot of laundry. Poke around before throwing in a load, point to her worn items and ask, can I wash those with mine?

I agree with the others, walking on eggshells 'around' the issue won't resolve it. If GF wants to feel hurt about it, then that's her choice, but she'll either step up to solve the problem, OR, you might need to rethink whether you want to live like this.

[Kelly1988]

You need to end it with her… shouldn’t have to beg a grown woman to clean herself 

[MissCanuck]

You can offer to shower or do laundry together, but you won’t be able to do that every time. Nor should you need to. 

She’s an adult with poor hygiene. She’s going to have to learn to properly take care of herself and deal with the triggers from her childhood of her mom telling her the same things.

Be respectful but firm that you are concreted about her health and her bad hygiene is now affecting how attracted you are to her. She’s not going to listen if you dance around this too much. 

[electricorchid]

I think you should first try to: 

1. Offer to shower together, and 

2. Do laundry together. 

If this fails and she resists or if she argues or questions why? Then I agree with the second approach, To talk to her in a very (not blunt) but straightforward manner and tell her these points:

-Hygiene is really important to me, and it affects my attraction to someone. It's affecting my attraction to you

-Because I care about you: I'm concerned for your physical health, as it's not only affecting our relationship but It's important for you to want to do this for yourself to prevent infections etc. 

It's very important you do this in this order.. If she resits both times. Time to break up. Because At this point I completely understand you, hygiene attracts your physical attraction to someone and also, you want someone whose open to feedback and can take constructive critism in a relationship, not someone whose resistant and pushes back and gets defensive everytime and comes up with excuses not to improve.